After a weekend of fun with Lily and discussing strategy with Richard, Monday comes entirely too soon. My heart has been heavy, not so much because of the hearing, but because I miss Esteban, even though I still have conflicting feelings about the fortune teller story. I don’t even know why I can’t get over it. Is it because I don’t want to accept that my destiny has been out of my control, just when I thought I was finally in charge of my life and my happiness?

I think about what I’d be doing in Albuquerque if this were a regular Monday. I left a half-finished portrait of Lupe I hadn’t been able to work on ever since Esteban told me the truth. Just as I think of him, his name shows up on the screen of my phone, bringing a smile to my face.

 

Esteban: Good luck today.

 

Me: Thank you. I miss you.

 

I text the words before I can help myself.

 

Esteban: I miss you too.

 

Seeing Brad outside the courtroom with his attorney is surreal, and I realize how much of a disadvantage I have. Brad has been in a courtroom plenty of times, while this is my first. He approaches me, wanting to chat before our hearing. We haven’t talked in months. He looks…strangely calm and on his best behavior.

Richard warns me. “If he just wants to clear his conscience that’s one thing, but make sure you engage in no talk about the proceedings.” I nod and join Brad a few feet away from my attorney, even though I’m appalled he wants to talk now. Forty-five minutes before our hearing.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Ines, I know it’s too little, too late, but I wanted to apologize.” I brace for a soppy speech about reconsidering the divorce and getting back together and how he’ll be a better husband, but he doesn’t go there. Thank God.

“It took me a long time, but I’ve finally come to terms that I’ve made my fair share of mistakes during our marriage. My mother convinced me to try therapy and it’s been…difficult. I’m not going to deny it, it’s been hard realizing that I haven’t been a good husband all these years. I’m sorry. It’s part of my therapy plan to apologize to those I mistreated and verbally abused. Obviously, you’re the one who suffered the most. Anyway, I want you to know I’m trying my hardest to be a better person and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better husband.”

I nod but remain silent because I can’t come up with anything to say.

We stare at each other for a minute. “I’m glad you’re trying to work through things.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” he asks out of the blue, making me frown.

“Why are you asking me that? Do you want to know if I’m on a dating app like you?” I reply a bit defensively. I have been completely mum on social media about seeing Esteban, and very few people know I haven’t lived in LA the last six months. There’s no way he’s heard from Lily, either. She wouldn’t tell him anything about me.

He shrugs. “No, nothing like that. I just saw you a while ago talking to Lily and thought you looked…different.”

“Different how?”

“Happier…despite where we are today, despite the fact that we’re here because we didn’t make it.” I listen for traces of bitterness in his voice, but I don’t detect any at all. Could Brad really be on the path to a better version of himself? And if so, why couldn't he realize it sooner? It doesn't matter anyway, because it’s not like I’m looking to go back and call the whole thing off.

“Look, it’s probably going to sound stupid, but you had this light in your eyes just a minute ago, kind of like when we first got together. It reminded me of how…” His voice breaks. “It reminded me of how we were in the beginning.”

I want to tell him many things, how part of me is still angry at him with how things went. I want to tell him I’m sorry we couldn’t fix our marriage before it broke irreparably, but I can’t bring myself to do that. He hurt me so much over the years, that even though I appreciate his words, I can’t even offer some parting grace to him.

“I am dating someone. It was…unexpected, but I’m happy. I’m doing good.” I study him, and he smiles uneasily, pursing his lips.

“Are you going to stay in Albuquerque?”

Ask again later, I think to myself. I wonder why I randomly think of Magic 8-Ball answers when I don’t even own one?

“Probably,” I tell Brad.

“I hope he makes you really happy.”

“I hope so, too. Thank you. Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?”

“Yes, actually, there is. I’ll be out of town the next couple days, so you can move your stuff out. I’m having the locks replaced on Friday. If you need more time, let me know.”

And just like that, he’s back to business and we part ways. It seems hard to believe this was the man I shared my bed with for the last seven years. I look over my shoulder trying to find any trace of regret, but once again, I only feel relief. I’m sad that everything is so…cold and impersonal.

I miss Esteban and his warm embrace.

I’m in a daze when it’s our turn to stand in front of the judge.

“Remember, this is just a formality,” Richard reminds me. “There’s nothing to worry about.” Right, other than the dissolution of my marriage.

We follow protocol and then the judge asks us both a couple of generic questions and asks us if we want to add anything or if he can sign off.

“No, Your Honor. My client is satisfied with the terms of the parties’ current agreement.” Brad has been fairly generous. He knew better than to fight over our house, the only asset we share. He paid back my share and then some. And I already told him I’m leaving all the furniture. I’m only taking what is mine.

I don’t need to keep any reminders of my old life, especially not now.

As much as I’m uncertain about the future, I’ve never been readier to move forward.

 

 

It does take me an entire day to pack all my stuff. It’s so weird being in this house alone, but I’m glad Brad is gone. It would make everything weirder. Lily was going to take the day off but had an emergency PR situation with one of the idiot actors she represents, and she’s only able to come help me late in the evening.

When we pack all my boxes in a U-Haul trailer and I close the door of the place that’s been my home for the last seven years, it’s inevitably bittersweet.

“Goodbye, house,” I whisper.

I glance at it one last time as Lily pulls away, still somewhat incredulous it’s come to this, but I feel no remorse, only relief.

Part of me knows I should rush back to New Mexico, but another part of me hesitates. I talk to Esteban every day, and I know he’s waiting to hear from me that I’m ready to come back. I tell him I miss him, and that I just need a little more time.

In reality, I have no idea what exactly I’m waiting for.

I’m slumming it at Lily’s for the time being. A week goes by, and then another.

Day after day, all I can do is keep driving around LA, hanging out in all my favorite spots, looking for reasons to stay. I haven’t found that many, definitely not enough to counter the reasons to leave. I drive by the house where I grew up, and I miss my parents like crazy. I wish I had family here. I wish I had someone other than Lily to talk about them with and keep their memory alive. I take the opportunity to see friends I haven’t seen in months. I go to my favorite yoga studio, desperately trying to find the peace within, trying to make sense of what happened, of how drastically my life changed in just a few months. I don’t want to rush back to New Mexico only to give Esteban false hope. I need to be sure it’s the right choice for me...and him. I keep telling myself that’s why I’m taking time, while part of me thinks I’m just chickening out and making excuses.

Moving your whole life for a man is stupid, right? Yet, my heart won’t stop racing just at the thought of him, and if it could, I swear my heart would yell at me to get a move on. I want to make an adult, responsible decision. Breaking up with Brad and staying in New Mexico might have been an impulsive decision led by my instincts, and while I don’t regret it, right now I’m afraid to make a decision based on what I feel for Esteban, and what he told me.

My chest warms at the thought of him, of his lips and his dashing smile.

I worry that Esteban will start to lose his patience with me, but somehow, he doesn’t. Day after day, he just asks me what I’ve been up to, and the guilt is eating me up. But as much as I miss him, I still feel like I need a little more time to think.

I don’t know what exactly I need to think about. He’s all I could ever want in a man. A few days later, we decide to go to Venice Beach for the day on Saturday, and Lily fills up our water bottles with vodka.

“What are you trying to do? Can’t we pay for our drinks like normal adults?”

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, until someone pulls us over and gives us a ticket.”

“Don’t be silly.”

A few hours later, we’re both hammered and talking nonsense as we skate by the boardwalk. That’s right, as if it wasn’t enough that she wanted me to drink alcohol out of a water bottle like a teenager, she convinced me to strap on skates and relive our teen years. We’re laughing like idiots when we fall a while later. Thankfully, nothing is broken or bruised except my ego, while Lily’s still looks intact. We both sit down on a bench and look at the ocean.

“If I move, that’s one thing I’ll miss,” I say, nodding toward the shore.

“If you move, it will be here, waiting for you to visit,” she says with a hiccup, patting my leg, while I pat her back.

“We should have brought some water along, not just alcohol,” I tell her.

I close my eyes for a moment and the sun clouds over. When I open them, I realize it wasn’t a cloud, it’s an older dude wearing a tie-dye shirt and running shorts standing in front of the sun.

“Dude, what the hell?” Lily slurs. “Get a move on!”

“Shhhh,” I tell her. Could she at least act like she’s not blatantly drunk?

“Sorry to interrupt,” the man says hesitantly, looking between Lily and me. “I know it might be hard to believe what I have to tell you, but I simply have to.”

“Dude, my very hot friend here is too old to be asked to model, so please spare us, okay?” I tell him, waving at him to get lost.

He chuckles. “No, I wasn’t going to say that, ma’am.”

Ma’am?

“Okay, so what is it?” Lily asks, impatiently.

His eyes lock with me, and he says, “Your life is not here. Your life is in New Mexico.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Lily says, her mouth forming an O while I remain stunned. “Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?”

“My name is Henry Tyler…I’m a medium.”

A guffawed laugh escapes my lips. “Are you shitting me right now?” Do they still have candid cameras? Because this certainly has the potential to be one. I look around me, trying to spot a hidden camera…somewhere.

“Your name is Ines, right?”

“This is freaky,” Lily murmurs, leaning toward me.

“Did you have something to do with this? Are you two messing with me?”

“I swear I have nothing to do with this! Wait…how did you know her name?” Lily frowns, pointing her finger.

He raises his hands defensively. “I realize you might not believe in mediums, but I’m here with a message…from your mother, Penelope.”

“Dude, what the fuck,” Lily says drunkenly, staring at me wide-eyed, and I squeeze her arm, telling her to stop.

“Penelope told me to tell you, ‘Language, young lady.’”

“Jesus,” I say, because that’s what my mom often told us when she caught us cursing.

The dude chuckles and says, “She’s also told me to tell you not to use the name of the Lord in vain. I am not religious, but that’s what she wants me to tell you.”

“How did you know my mom’s name?” I ask him, pointing my finger.

“You want proof, right? Your mother Penelope died a few years ago of lung cancer. Your father died when you were a teenager of a stroke. You’re an only child and your parents emigrated here from Spain. Your mother’s spirit called on me and sent me to you. Spirits sometimes do that. I was just minding my business when this…force I’m sometimes blessed or cursed with—depending on how you look at it—well, this force, your mother’s spirit, urged me to come talk to you and tell you that your life is not here, it’s in New Mexico.”

My mouth is wide open, and Lily shuts it by placing a finger under my chin.

“Your mother also says that’s not very ladylike,” she jokes.

Henry snickers. “She agrees. What’s in New Mexico, by the way? Why would you ever leave California?” he jokes, opening his arms to point out at the obvious, as if Venice Beach is the most wonderful place on earth.

Esteban. I have to get back to Esteban.

I glance in Lily’s direction. Tie-dye dude has probably done acid too many times in his life, but he might be right about one thing.

I guess my mother felt the need to intervene and tell me to wake up and open my eyes. Moved by the idea of my mother’s spirit being near, I release a shaky breath, trying to undo the knot in my throat. Tears quickly fill my eyes, I can finally see things clearly. God, what am I still doing here? I’ve been so stubborn the last few days.

My life isn’t here.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course. I imagine you’d have a few.”

“How’s my mother?”

“She’s quite all right and she wants me to reassure you she’s with your father. She just summoned me to tell you your life is in New Mexico.” He pauses, and looks down, almost as if he’s listening intently to a secret, invisible conversation.

Lily and I exchange a puzzled look. I’ve never had an experience like this in my life. The Universe is obviously trying to send me several messages.

“Oh, yes. She says you need to follow your heart. The love of your life is waiting. Okay, okay, I’ll tell her. The love of your life is waiting in New Mexico.”

I start laughing, stunned, ecstatic, drunk, and emotionally drained. I blink back my tears and wipe the corners of my eyes. Obviously, my mom thought I needed a sign to get my ass in gear. Well, she was right. I get up and hug Henry, kissing him on the cheek.

“Sorry if my mother was bossing you around. She does that.”

“It’s okay. Sometimes spirits...misbehave,” he says with a snicker.

“Tell Penelope I love her and that I’m going to do what she told me,” I say, helping Lily up so we can leave.

“Tomorrow, dear. When you’ve sobered up,” Henry says.

I purse my lips, tears brimming my eyes. “Okay, Mom,” I whisper. “Thank you, Henry. I’ll find your Facebook page and send you a thank-you card, okay? And maybe an invitation to my wedding.”