CHAPTER 18
The chilly night’s breeze gently showered over Emma’s warm face and she smiled. After tossing and turning in her bed with too many thoughts and the uncertainties of the mission, it felt good to be outside and get a breath of fresh air in her lungs. In fact, she liked the darkness. It helped to settle her mind and clear her thoughts.
Sitting on a bench that overlooked the rose garden behind the house, she pulled the edge of the cloak tightly around her to keep the chill out. Gazing up, she saw the sparkling stars in the clear sky, the moon smiling down at her. She wondered where her parents were, and if they could see her just now. She missed them so dearly, that sometimes, it was too much to bear.
“May I join you?” Michael said.
His voice sent her stomach fluttering. “Yes.” She watched him join her on the bench, giving some distance between them.
“What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
“I couldn’t sleep. Besides, the stars are too tempting to miss.” She looked up at the stars again. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
He gazed up and smiled. “Ah, yes, it is a rare thing to see shining stars in late winter.”
She turned to face Michael, the man who had managed to steal her heart—twice. His hair gently blew in the wind, his sharp blue eyes looking into hers, as if he had something important to say.
“What is it?” Emma asked. He said nothing. Oh, goodness, if he had something to say, why didn’t he just tell her? She gathered her arms and pulled the cloak tight against her.
“Here.” Michael pulled off his coat and draped it over her.
His warm coat smelled of musk and spice. Botheration. It was going to be difficult to tell him what she intended to do. “I was thinking. And please let me say what it is I need to say before you object.”
“Go on….”
“I think it’s best for both of us if I return to London.”
His brow rose and his lips curved up just a little. “Are you tired of me already?”
She sensed him attempting to lighten the mood and she thought it was sweet of him to do so. “I simply cannot be here right now, not while there’s a madman out there plotting to hurt innocent people.”
“I see,” he said. “Are you certain your decision has nothing to do with me?”
Yes and no. She saw him watching her carefully. “My decision to leave has everything to do with finding the murderer. That is our top priority, isn’t it? I am not needed here and please don’t try to spare my feelings and tell me it isn’t so. While I may not have your fighting skills, or years spent spying, I can be of use, but not here. If I return to London, I can assist Lord Tomkin, and I can inquire about Jimmy, too.” She watched his expression, his jaws twitching as if he was ready to argue his point. “The truth is, being here…,” with you, “at times makes me forget about my purpose and I don’t ever want to forget.”
“No, it’s too dangerous,” Michael said. “Besides, Lord Tomkin ordered you to remain here. Remember?”
Emma had a feeling that Michael wasn’t telling her everything. “I do remember. But you know as well as I do that I can’t find my parents’ killer if I am here.”
He sighed heavily. “I had hoped to wait until later, but it seems I have no choice in the matter. The prisoner was murdered tonight near the property. The killer may still be nearby.”
“Killed?” she said, horrified. “How?”
“He was stabbed, multiple times.” He watched her for a brief moment. “It’s dangerous for you to be traveling across the country on your own.” When she opened her mouth to protest, he quickly beat her to it. “I didn’t come here tonight to discuss the dead prisoner.”
“Oh?”
“When all this is over,” Michael said, “I think it would be only right that we marry.”
“Marry?” She asked, confused.
“Yes.” Michael watched her.
“I don’t understand. What has prompted you to ask me this?”
“You know very well why I am asking.”
“Because we made love?” Dread pooled inside her. He wanted to marry her not because he loved her, but because of duty, his honor.
“It’s the right thing to do.”
She saw it in his eyes, the guilt. “You don’t need to protect me. I’m not naive. I knew what I was doing and I certainly didn’t expect you to propose to me. I wanted to be with you. I chose to be with you. Call it lust, if you like, but we both know marriage between us will never work.”
“I don’t make a habit of bedding virgins.”
His statement stung because he just confirmed her suspicion. “No, I suppose you don’t.” She didn’t know which was worse. Michael admitting that he’d made a mistake. Or telling her that he was forced to marry her because of his honor. “Don’t worry, Michael.” Her tone was bitter and full of resentment. “I don’t need your charity. Please don’t taint what we shared by insulting me.”
He sighed and tipped her chin to look at him. “This isn’t charity, Emma. It’s the right thing to do.”
“It wasn’t that long ago when you put a knife about my neck, remember?”
“That was to make a point. Besides, you and I…, it isn’t that simple,” he admitted.
“Precisely,” she said. “You see, there should be no doubt in your mind if I am the right woman for you. If you truly had genuine affection for me, wanted to marry me, it wouldn’t be complicated because the answer is right here.” She touched her heart. “Without a doubt.” She shook her head. “I will not be caged up in a marriage that is doomed from the beginning.”
He sighed. “What is it that you want from me, Emma?”
She felt the frustration build in the pit of her stomach. She bit back the words that could never be uttered out loud: I love you, damn it. “Nothing,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t want anything from you. I don’t want promises. In fact, I free you of your burden, Michael.”
His brows pulled together as if offended. “It’s not a burden. It’s my responsibility and despite what you think of me I want to be there for you.”
Because of duty—his honor. Not because he loved her. She knew him well enough to know that he’d forgo his own happiness for honor and that was the last thing she wanted from him. No, she could not live with that knowledge. They would only resent each other in the end.
“Thank you for the offer,” she said. “But I have my own plans. Remember? I am going to start anew in American when all this is over.” She tried to smile, but she failed miserably. “I think I will retire now.” She started to walk away, but stopped and faced him. “I think it’s best if we don’t pursue this any further.”
An amalgam of emotions surged through her, but she kept quiet as he trailed behind her into the house. While she may be cursed to love this man for the rest of her life, she wouldn’t be a fool to think that what he felt for her had more to do with affection than lust.
Michael escorted Emma to her room with a sense of uneasiness between them. “I meant everything I said, Emma.” She looked as though she had something to say to him, but she didn’t. Instead, she bid him goodnight, slipped into her room and closed the door.
With a heavy sigh, he proceeded toward his bedroom until his twin blocked his path. The visible scar he’d inflicted on William years ago reminded him of the day they nearly killed each other.
“How’s Mother?” Michael asked.
“She sleeps,” William said.
No matter what had transpired between them, William was the better man. Not only did he take care of their Mother and Kyra, William had increased the family’s coffers two fold after their father passed. He seemed to genuinely care about his duties. It was a painful reminder to Michael that his presence here only caused them more pain. From that respect, he stayed away when William asked him never to come back.
“A lovers’ quarrel?” William said, his tone taunting.
“She’s tired from the journey,” Michael said. “As am I.”
“I meant what I said,” William said. “Geoffrey was a good man. He will be missed.”
“He was,” he said. He was certain William would have preferred Geoffrey as his brother.
“But rightly, you should have delivered the news to Mother and Kyra.”
“I’m well aware of that,” Michael said.
“Where the hell were you?” William barked.
I was on a mission to find the damn killer. His jaws flinched. “I was indisposed.”
His brother gazed at the bruises on his knuckles and hand. “Another fight? What happened this time?”
“It couldn’t be avoided.”
William sighed. “You’ll never learn, will you? You live too recklessly. But if that’s how you choose to live your life that is your business. When will you leave?”
“In a few days.”
“Good,” William said, nodding. “While your lovely fiancée may have won over Kyra and Mother, your presence here still upsets them. They won’t speak of it, but I sense it.”
He wasn’t in the mood for this. Not now. “If that’s what you want to believe.” Michael started to walk away, but William stopped him. “Get out of my way,” Michael warned.
“Or what?” William said. “Resort to brutality?”
Michael clenched his jaw, balling his hands into fists.
“Ashley would have liked your fiancée.” William sighed as if to steady himself.
Yes, she would have liked Emma, Michael thought. When he found Ashley at Gretna Green, she begged him not to tell their family what had transpired there, that her beau failed to show. She begged him to leave her, to give her time. How was he to know her malady would return with full force that night? He should have stayed with her. Hot anger and grief burned in his chest.
“I know you don’t care for my opinion, but you will be married soon. Unless you intend to run out on her, too, I suggest you heed my words and take your duty seriously this time, for Emma’s sake.”
“I am well aware of my responsibilities,” Michael noted. He’d paid the price for keeping his family in the dark to keep them safe. To keep them safe, he stayed away. No matter how much he wanted to protect them, he realized his presence only brought back bitter memories for everyone.
Emma listened as William and Michael conversed outside her door, the tension and hostility oozing from their tones. Did Ashley take her own life? How awful and tragic. When the two brothers finally parted, she pulled away from the door. A sense of sadness pricked her heart. For two people who couldn’t possibly be any closer, there was a sense of lingering sadness and resentment between them. She did not pretend to comprehend the gravity of their predicament.
What was the root of their resentment? For such capable and intelligent men they hadn’t a clue what it meant to be a family. Not that she had the answers either, but there had to be a better way to deal with their resentment, wasn’t there?
Perhaps a good night’s rest in a warm bed would renew her energy. But she feared it had nothing to do with the lack of sleep, and the only option left for her was to leave Chatham Hall.