I thought my emotions would turn on with a flip of a switch.
On.
Off. On or off?
It never occurred to me there would be an in-between. Tiny flickers lit up my heart. It was her. Always her that kindled my flame.
She’s more than a man could ever dare to dream of. And she was falling in love with me, a man with no soul, or a black one at best. You see, I only told her half of the truth. Sure, I might develop emotions, genuine feelings, processing them like a normal human. But personality and emotions are separate things entirely. My personality might not change even if the floodlights turned on.
I knew I was ruthless, dangerous, selfish—a man with needs that surpass most. I’d always crave sweet pain, get high from a bout of rough sex, and demand things from her she might not always give. She surprised me, how soft her heart is, how much passion was hidden inside. I unleashed a wildcat, worthy of being my mate. I gave her my trust, something only Alex and Dimitri have outside of my Jin and George. My circle is five. Five people in this whole world who I consider family and in turn, have my back. I’m a lucky bastard for sure, for finding them.
Taking the steps two at a time, I whistle, eager to see my girl. I left her here at the villa so that I could clear off my desk. I spent all day returning emails, phone calls, pissing off people and it made me grin. I loved being me. I almost fell out of my chair when the person on the other end hung up on me. I smiled. Smiled and felt it inside. My barren heart was sowing seeds, and it’s all because of my dove. My love, maybe someday…my wife. If it wasn’t for her, I might not have ever taken the pills.
“Where are you, agape mou?” The house was silent. We made love in every room, so I dismissed my housekeeper and chef. I knew it was hard on Freya seeing us, hearing us…so I sent her to Oasis. I told her she could partake in Alex’s games; at her choice, not his. She was eager to go, and Alex phoned to personally thank me for his “gift.”
I’m glad that worked out because now Jessie and I have been holed up in a lover’s nest for over a week. Sharing more and more with each other every day.
Happy.
A word I never understood, is now all I am.
“Jessie? Sweeting? Where are you?” My heart beat faster. Surely, she wouldn’t run? Leave me now, would she?
I opened door after door, finding nothing but empty rooms. Frowning, I went back to our bedroom. Then I heard her soft laugh. I shuddered with relief. She was here, in my secret office adjoining our room. I froze in shock.
She had gone through my files. Her phone was connected to my computer with a USB cable, transferring files. A browser was open to Ciao! The sleaziest, tabloid in Italy. I had given her the password to login to the Internet never guessing she’d betray my trust like this. She was selling me out. Giving the paparazzi the life story I refused to give them. If I had a fear, this was the worst one coming true.
“Jessie?!” I roared, “What the hell are you doing?”
She spun around, facing me the smile dying on her lips, “I’ll call you back, Andre. It was good catching up. Thank you for helping me…see you soon.”
My hands felt like wrapping around her neck. Instead, I yanked the USB cord from her phone, so roughly, the hard drive crashed to the floor. I checked her phone. She’s guilty. All my medical files were there, saved in her documents. But her email damned her. She sent my records to someone. Probably the editor of Ciao!
When I read her texts, I knew I was going to kill him. Possibly her and some nameless person.
Andre.
I fired him weeks ago, but here he was in her phone, sniffing around what was mine and worse—she let him.
Then there were dozens of texts from an unknown contact…telling her the secret ingredients to my “magic pills.”
The diamond collar she wore glistened at her throat. She was dressed up in a beautiful strapless coral-colored gown, with her hair in soft waves down her back. Tonight was Alex’s dirty stag party.
The monster in me reared his ugly head. It’s past time he came out to play. I overturned the desk, flipped it straight back on the floor. The computer monitor smashed. Papers went flying. I picked up the office chair, throwing it across the room.
Lamps crashed.
Vases toppled.
My dark heart broke.
“Stop! Christos, please, just listen. My best friend in California’s mother, is a world-renowned scientist at a global pharmaceutical company. She specializes in neuro-psych. I-I didn’t know why it never occurred to me before. She can help you—help us. I’ve been researching every day while you’ve been at work. You need more help…there’s more we can do—”
“I don’t need your help,” I growled, grabbing fistfuls of her hair. “My lights are blinking on, agape. Thank you for showing me what blinding rage feels like. Thank you for the lesson in betrayal—how it burns.”
“I haven’t betrayed you, Christos.”
“Ah, but you have. Not even Dimitri knows the extent of my condition. No one has seen these medical files, but me and my physician. How you betray me with your desire to help. I TRUSTED YOU! MAYBE EVEN LOVED YOU! We’ll never know now.”
“Don’t. Don’t stop falling in love with me. Please, hear me out—”
“I heard enough when I listened to you flirt with him, say his name…and spill my secrets. Tell me who’s your unknown friend with all my medical info? Hmm? Your new lover at Ciao?!”
“No…and Andre, he’s just a friend. I swear it.”
“A friend, eh? I don’t think so. You know he wants you. Why did you make plans with him?”
“It was just going to be lunch, next week when he’s in port. You-you said you’d be back at work,” she dropped off and backed away from the rage burning in my eyes.
“Never. You’re never to see him again. In fact, I don’t even want to see you right now. Maybe I should find your replacement, eh? Thank you little one for showing me what true pleasure feels like, but maybe we’re not written in the stars after all. Maybe you were just meant to turn the lights on for someone else to come home to.”
“No. Please, Christos, I know you’re angry. Just please listen. I was trying to gather more information and come to you with it all, so we could come up with a plan. A solution.”
“Angry? That doesn’t even begin to cover it, sweetheart. What if there is no solution, agape? Would you take me as I am? Love me as I am…a broken man…a broken soul and half a heart? You—stupid little bird. Did you think I haven’t done this exact same research?” I grabbed the files from the floor, waving them in her face. “Did you think I would just mindlessly take pills? I’ve been to the damn facility, met with the damn scientists. I know more than your attempt at research could ever tell me. Guess what? What if I like who I am? What if I already know I’m both dark and light with the power to decide which man I want to be? Maybe I just wanted to be able to feel it for a change.” I grabbed her purse, unlocked the one drawer to my desk she hadn’t managed to break open, and chucked her passport and a thousand euros at her. “Take it and go.”
Her chin quivered, but she stood her ground. “No.”
“So be it. If you stay, I will hurt you. If you were smart, you’d run.”
“Alex invited me. I’m going to his party.”
“Alex? Do you think he gives a shit about you? That he’d stop me from caning you, letting another man fuck you until you scream—while I sit with a drink in my hand?”
“You wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t let anyone touch me, no matter how mad you are.”
“Don’t bet on it, sweetheart. You have no idea how I feel. What it’s like to have a hot poker dipped in rage be the first emotion to feel at one hundred percent.”
“I’m not leaving you, ever.”
I answered by reaching inside my desk for a generic sub collar, one I used on my last sub that George missed when clearing out her things. I unlocked the diamond collar from her throat, replacing it with the black leather one. Wrapping the chain around my wrist, I gave my command. “Crawl like a dog to the door. If you want to stay, it’ll be on my terms. Do you want to please me? Make me forgive you?”
“Yes, Christos. Yes, master.”
“Well, what if I can’t?”
“I’ll try with my last breath. You’re more broken than you’ve ever made me. I love you. I love you, despite your beautiful darkness.”
“I’ll destroy you with it.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“You should be, little dove. Feelings won’t change who I am. My personality is dark and depraved. Maybe having my emotions turned on, only heightens the pleasure I get from living this way.”
“I-I don’t believe that. When I’ve seen you shine like the sun?”
“No, agape. I never shined. What you saw was your reflection on me.”
“I’m guessing this is your first fight where you’re actually vested in it. I’m sorry for being stupid. For being so excited to be with you…I wanted to speed the process along.”
“All you did was derail me.”
“Don’t do this,” she pleaded, recognizing that Christos from the sea was gone, and El Diablo was back.
“You had your chance to run,” he informed me grabbing my hands and tying rope around them.