CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
AIDAN
She drew me into her soulful eyes. Seeing Clarissa like that—semi-naked, hair hanging provocatively over her full breasts, and not wearing a scrap of make-up, just a natural, cock-swelling beauty, left me gasping for air. Words stuck in my throat. The ache was unbearable. Clarissa’s persistent refusal to meet my gaze broke me.
I left, severely dejected with the urge to cry out like a lone, desperate wolf.
The next day was extremely busy. I was back in New York. Solarm was up and running. I’d arranged for a company in Germany to train locals the craft of solar-panel building. After that, they would install them in areas of need. Any leftover energy generated would be sold off, thus paying for itself.
My phone buzzed. It was my mother. She’d been ringing all week. As always, I tried to avoid her. My bitter and twisted mother was, as usual, drunk and high on weed.
Bankrolling her lifestyle, I’d bought her a comfortable home. But she was permanently unsatisfied, and always hounding me.
I picked up her call. “Hey there,” I said, trying to sound welcoming despite the heaviness in my head. The last thing I needed was to listen to her gripes.
“At last, you picked up. Don’t think that just because you pay me every month that somehow releases you from filial duties.” My mother slurred her words.
I looked at my watch, it was only one o’clock in the afternoon. “You sound hammered.”
“What do you expect? I have a heartless son who never comes to visit me. I’m so lonely…”
“Look, I’m busy. What’s up?”
“I’d like a visit from my one and only child.” She raised her voice.
Cringing, I wondered if I’d been dropped by a stork; my mother seemed so foreign to me. I’d tried tenderness over the years. That only made her worse. I also tried the best psychiatrists money could buy, but my mother refused to attend.
“I’m in New York all week. I’ll be back on the weekend. I’ll come by then,” I said. The thought of doing so froze my soul.
“Yeah, yeah, heard that before… listen, I need more cash.”
“What happened to the ten grand I deposited two days ago?” It wasn’t the money. It was her drinking, her drug habit. I had two of them to carry—Bryce, who was bleeding me through gambling, and my profligate mother.
“Yeah, well, so what? I want to go to Vegas,” she said petulantly.
“Okay…” I sighed deeply. “I’ll deposit more cash today.”
“Hey, by the way, I heard from Sharon. You know that bitch pedophile’s neighbor.”
I gripped the phone. “Stop calling her that. Her name was Jacqueline. And I was a consenting seventeen-year-old.” My knuckles were white from rage. That was all it took—a few minutes of conversing with my mother—for the beast to be unleashed.
“Whatever… anyway, do you remember her?”
How could I ever forget her? It was Sharon’s big mouth that exposed the relationship I was having with my schoolteacher.
Jacqueline, my busty teacher, had been one very desirable woman. Even though she looked younger, she was twenty-seven when I was in her class. Wearing low-cut blouses, she’d often pick up the chalk at my feet. It was hard not to be seduced. I lost my virginity to her. I was tall for my age. And she quickly became insatiable for my larger-than-usual-cock. Or at least, she kept reminding me of that. She also gave me my first ever head-job. For a boy from a messed-up household with a heavy weed-smoking-drunk parent, Jacqueline Howard was like an angel from heaven. That was, until her nosey neighbor got involved and caused a major scandal. Jacqueline lost her job. Her brute husband, a violent, son of a bitch, beat her to death. Hence, I left home and joined the army.
“What about her?” I asked.
“She told me that John Howard’s been released.”
I stiffened. “What, already?”
“He’s served fourteen years,” my mother responded dryly.
“For the sadistic slaying of his wife, he should have got life.”
“He’s after blood. He’s after you, Aidan.”
“Well, I don’t give a fuck. I can defend myself.” The pulse at the side of my neck thumped hard. “Look, I’ve got to go.”
My lungs expanded out slowly as I exhaled a stuttered breath. This situation called for more security. And Clarissa would have to learn of my checkered past. The thought brought bile to my throat. How could a pure soul like Clarissa accept someone with such a fucked-up history as mine.
Barraged by monsters from my past, I jumped when my phone vibrated.
“Kieren,” I said, placing my legs up on my desk.
“Aidan, how are you?” His baritone calmed me instantly.
“I’ve been better.”
“Tell me what’s happening.”
I let out a deep breath. “Clarissa, the best thing to happen to me in ages, if not ever, has pushed me away.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. Was it too much for her? Is she frightened?”
“You could say that. She heard I was still engaged and that I’m a ladies’ man,” I said.
“You didn’t tell her about your recent engagement?”
“No. We hadn’t got to that stage. I mean, we’ve only been together twice. During that time, there wasn’t a lot of talking.”
“Yes. You mentioned that it had been very passionate.” He paused. “I take it she hasn’t given you a chance to explain yourself.”
“What, about being a sex addict?” I said full of self-loathing.
“Aidan, don’t beat up on yourself. You had much to deal with. At least you didn’t succumb to drugs and liquor like many PTSD sufferers.”
“Hmm… I fucked half of LA instead,” I said, sighing deeply.
“Was it that many?” he asked, trying to make light of it.
“Don’t know. I lost count. It disgusts me. How can an angel like Clarissa accept someone that fucked-up?”
“But you’ve changed. That’s what counts.”
“I have. There’s been no-one since Amy. And even then, I didn’t feel like being with her. She was naked in my bed, and I was drunk. Bad excuse, I know.”
“I remember. You were hard on yourself over that. And did you tell Clarissa about your engagement to Jessica?”
“No. Another huge fucking failing,” I blurted, frustrated. “I should’ve gone to the media with an announcement. I just didn’t want to upset Jessica. She’s over in England. Rather naively, I thought nobody would notice.” I peered over at my bottle of bourbon. Although it was earlier than usual for a drink, I needed something to remove the edge. “Hang on a minute, Kieren.” I got up and poured myself a generous measure and returned to face the screen.
“Give it time, Aidan. Remember, you rushed into it. Maybe start again. You know, ask her out on an official date. Take it slowly. Get to know each other the old-fashioned way. During which, tell her about your addiction, tell her about your tour of duty and what happened. That’s a big story, Aidan. Few would survive, let alone become successful and benevolent contributors to society like you have. Clarissa is sweet-natured. She’ll understand. Chemistry doesn’t just disappear like that. If anything, it makes two people’s love stronger.”
“John Howard’s been released. Word has it he wants my scalp. It will be a feeding frenzy for the media. Oh, fuck…” I exhaled. “There’s no way Clarissa will want me after that.”
“You were a seventeen-year-old boy, a man almost. Your teacher had a notorious predilection for younger male students. There’d been others. It came out in the hearing. I followed it. You did what any red-blooded, hormonally charged young man would do. She was an alluring woman. Aidan, you have nothing to feel bad about.”
“But she’d still be alive if I hadn’t gone there, Kieren. That’s the part that tears me apart.”
“Aidan, her husband was a murderous alcoholic. He was beating her up all along. Police had reports of previous dealings with that household. I imagine it was probably a time bomb waiting to go off. You can’t take responsibility for a seriously dysfunctional marriage.”
“Aren’t we all responsible for our actions?”
“Yes, but by learning and understanding why we acted in such a manner, we grow. That’s what you’ve been doing, Aidan. At the time, your sex drive was high, and all your partners were consenting. I can’t see anything warranting censure. In any case, you’ve stopped this behavior. I believe you’re now cured of your sex addiction.”
“Yes, six months without. And it’s the last thing I want. Except for Clarissa, of course. I’m on fire when I think of her. Since being with her, attractive women don’t even register. And that’s how I know...”
“How you know what?”
“That what I have with Clarissa is unique and special.” My voice carried a note of heavy frustration.
“I’m convinced you’ll be able to repair this, Aidan. Tell me, how have you been sleeping?”
“The best sleep I’ve had in years was in Clarissa’s arms. I could have slept all day. I’ve never slept as well. After Afghanistan, that is. Normally, my nightmares are a menace. That’s one of many reasons why I broke off with Jessica.”
“From what you said, Jessica wanted you to seek help.”
“Which is exactly what I’m doing, wouldn’t you say?” I sniffed sarcastically. “She wanted me to visit one of her own doctors. It always had to be her way. Jessica was a very stubborn woman. It was never love. I know that now, especially after Clarissa. No woman compares to Clarissa.”
“Do you think that’s because you were her first?” Kieren asked.
“There’s no doubt that’s special, very much so. With all the others, it was just sex. I’ve scaled unimaginable heights with Clarissa. This is what making love should feel like, I imagine. It’s almost spiritual.”
“In Eastern mysticism, making love is a way of communing with the higher forces. The out-of-body experience from the orgasm facilitates this.”
“That sums up exactly how I feel with Clarissa.” I sighed, pausing for a moment. “I had a terrible nightmare last night.”
“The same theme? Afghanistan?”
“Yep, extremely intense. My cries woke me.”
“Tell me about it.”
I poured myself a two-finger shot of bourbon and gulped it down. “This time there was more detail.” I cleared my throat. My palms gripped the glass.
“Are you up for sharing it with me? Or would you prefer to wait until you visit the clinic?”
“No. I need to talk.” I squared my shoulders, and my bones cracked. “Ben— my buddy, a brother in many ways—took a bullet meant for me. He pushed me out of the way. I should have died. I just can’t stop wondering why he did it.”
“Yes, we’ve spoken about that. It’s the ultimate sacrifice, one that justifies the hours of reflection. However, you don’t have to weigh yourself down with a lifetime of guilt. You’re a generous person, Aidan, and as with most givers, you’re not good at receiving. And life is the ultimate gift.”
“I know all this, Kieren. It just doesn’t fucking make sense. Our instinct is to survive, surely.”
“I agree. But war changes things. That’s why the survivors of war often spend the rest of their lives trying to make sense of it. Aidan, soldiers often protect their own men, even at their own expense. Both World War 1 and World War 11 records show heroic acts, where men took the blast in order to protect their mates.”
“I’ve read lots about it too. I’ve had to. I needed to understand.” I pushed my hair back. “I needed to know I was not alone.” My mind went dark, desolate. I wanted to cry but didn’t know how to. The closest was when Clarissa closed the door on me. A tear fell down my cheek. Trained in stoicism, I wiped it away quickly. On a deeper level, I suspected that by indulging in the profound grief I carried, tears would drown me. And a strong, tough man was meant to withstand pain. The Special Forces had drummed that into me.
But in the dark of night, all that tough-guy shit evaporated, and I became a fucking mess.
“You mentioned your nightmare was more detailed. Can you tell me about that?”
I swallowed deeply. “I relived it. Ben’s eyes”—my voice cracked— “pleading for someone to put him out of his misery. I begged him to let me carry him to safety. But as he struggled, he argued that it was better to have one man alive than two dead. He begged me to shoot him. At first, my finger shook so hard I couldn’t fire. But his face, those haunted eyes—he was so crippled with pain. Fuck.” I took a deep breath.
“This may seem strange to you, but you made a brave choice. The pain would’ve been unbearable for Ben. What was your option? To wait there while he bled to death, waiting for the evacuation unit, and risk being shot as well? It was an open field, I believe.”
As always, Kieren spoke sense. “Last night he came to me, Kieren. It was so fucking lucid.” I shook my head in disbelief. “It was like there was a ghost in front of me.” My hands trembled.
“Do you believe that he was truly there?” he asked.
“I don’t know. How can I? I don’t believe in ghosts,” I said almost to myself. “He said something I can’t forget.”
“And what was that?”
“He told me he hated his life and that he joined the Special Forces because he wanted to die doing something for his country.”
Kieren took notes. “Did he ever mention his desire for suicide before?”
“Never,” I replied.
“So why tell you now?”
I took a deep breath before answering. “No idea. He always kept things to himself, although we were close—especially in times of combat.”
“Tell me about that.”
“He’d often ask me what was the cause? What were we fighting for? It wasn’t something I could answer. In truth, the situation was confusing. Even those in charge were vague.”
“To take out the Taliban, I believe.”
“Yes. But then we were also doing deals with the Taliban. Considerable wads of cash were being handed over.” I stopped. This was classified information.
“I’ve heard about these transactions. Same thing happened in Iraq. They pay for a peaceful passage for their men. Not an unusual practice, just not spoken about.”
I exhaled. My head was heavy. “Sorry, Kieren. I’m wiped out. Can we do this later? In your office when I get back?”
“Aidan, try to rest. Remove these events from your thoughts until we speak again. Take care.”