Michael doesn’t like it but he agrees to my request. I can still feel his eyes on me now as I move through the main room of the house, looking for Cora. I find her sleeping curled up in a chair, the other women sleep on couches near her. Jason and Kai stand guard in the shadows. They push off the wall when I stop in front Cora. Leaning down, I touch her face softly, gentle enough not to wake her. I just need to feel her for a moment.

Straightening, I jerk my head toward the other room, and the men follow me. I stop at the counter and lean back on it. I’m silent as they join me, trying to figure out just how much to tell them. It is Kai who speaks first.

“I’m aware of some of what Aislin was told,” he confesses, and I stiffen at the sound of pity I hear in his deep voice. “I agree with her feelings on it. It isn’t fair that this burden has been placed on you. Are you sure it is the only way?”

Jason straightens, listening closely as I shake my head. “No. Even if we weaken him by killing the others, he will still be strong. I’ve been a fool, ignoring everything right in front of me.” I feel these men and the Druids deserve to know everything. “Can you get Sean? Michael is still outside. I need to tell you all something. We must be quick. I fear we only have a short amount of time before we must begin.” Jason turns and jogs away to get the other man as Kai and I walk back outside.

Michael looks back over his shoulder at our approach; he had been staring out into the night. I walk past him, wanting to get away from the house. They follow me to the far side of the garden, where Danu has lounges placed under a canopy of flowering vines, a picturesque setting for such an ugly tale. I sit but after minutes of trying to get comfortable, I wave my hand and change the chaises to Adirondack chairs. The others have arrived, and we all sit as a fire flares to life in the pit in the center of us. I stare into the flames, listening the crackle and pop of the wood as I try to decide where to begin.

“Oh, for fecks sake, just spit it out,” Sean growls, causing me to laugh at the astounded looks the others give him. “What? I doona care who he is, at this point. He has something to get off his chest, and we are running out of time.” He looks at me pointedly. I nod. He’s right, I know, but some secrets are hard to share. He sees something in my eyes or face, and his harsh demeanor softens slightly. “We all hae our tragic secrets, and ‘tis none here that will judge you.” They all nod in agreement, and I realize it is time to bring light to the darkness.

“I think you know when we decided to come here, we planned for months, but in the end, we left before the day we had decided on. The reason we left early was because we had to. We were running for our lives, for the elders had found out what we had planned to do. Of course, we found out as soon as we got here Odin had been lying the whole time about why he wanted to come. He left Danu heartbroken and pregnant, and I wanted to stay with her but I couldn’t. Instead, I went with him -- a choice that will destroy me in the end.” Drawing a breath, I glance at the house, wondering if things would be different if I had stayed here with them. The ending would be the same, but maybe some happiness in between could have been found. I shake my head.

“Aislin says the what ifs will kill you.” I look at Kai, his words surprising me, wondering how he knew. He chuckles. “We all recognize that look. Hell we’ve all had it on our stupid faces more than once. She’s right though -- they can paralyze you.” They all nod in agreement.

“She’s a smart woman,” Michael chimes in.

“They all are,” Jason says, and I have to agree with him. I have been blessed with strong, fierce, and brilliant women in my long life, and these four are no different.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. Maybe they will remember my story and share it once I’m gone. “It started long ago, when our people were infants really, just learning about magic and power. The ancient ones have been on our planet long before us and they possibly came from somewhere else, no one really knows. My father told us the story of our clan when we were very young. He told us of how when we came of age, we had to make a choice. He said that the old ones were dying, that they feared death, and looking at all the Clans, they chose ours because we were the strongest. I think in reality we were the fiercest, for hundreds of years of breeding had created a group of people built for war. All they thought about was fighting, conquering, and ruling. I now believe that the Ancients weren't looking for strong men and women; they were looking for ones willing to do anything for more power. I don't know if I'm different, maybe I am, maybe it's because my mother was not from our clan. She had been captured during a raid, and my father kept her. Maybe it's that I lived separate with her, and her gentleness shaped me somehow.” I smile at the memory of her. She was fierce in her own way, quietly standing up to the bullies that surrounded her and bravely surviving to protect me.

“Whatever it is that makes me different, it gave me the strength to survive. You must understand a child in that clan is trained from the day of his birth to fight, to wield the power, because they assume no one will deny it. Our life is hard to explain -- the closest would be the children of the Spartans. They too were molded into warriors.” Their eyes widen at the reference. Some are old enough to know the true story of the Spartans, not the watered down Hollywood version. I rub my hands over my arms, the memories pushing at me as they often do.

“The difference being we had magic. Where the weak Spartan children found their peace in death, we were healed and whatever training had broken us was started over. Those training us did not care about our pain, our screams, or our nightmares. They said their only goal was to make us stronger, but thinking back, I think their goal was to weaken our minds.”

I see the tortures in the flames of the fire, the physical torture and the mental torture, atrocious things that should have never been done to anyone. It's no surprise Odin is the way that he is for every member of our clan was that way -- man, woman, and child. Maybe being able to escape to my mother had kept my mind whole. I shut my eyes, trying to block one of the worst memories.

“Cora told us while we were on our quest that sometimes if ye said them out loud, things that haunt us the most have less power.” Michael’s voice is low, and I can tell he's fighting some of his own ghosts.

“That sounds like something she would say, and she's probably right. You know as well as I do that knowing something could help doesn't make it any easier.” They all nod.

“As we grew closer to our age of maturity and our ceremony drew near, they realized they hadn't broken me. The uncertainty of what I might do made them push harder until one day, they realized it didn't matter what they did to me. Unfortunately they also realized what would matter to me.” I swallow the bile that's churning at the back of my throat. I don't want to tell them; I've never told anyone, but they must understand I will no longer be myself once I let this monster free. My hands fist, and I stare at the flames, unable to meet anyone's gaze as the words tumble from my mouth.

“They had beaten me until every bone was broken. That's not just a saying or an exaggeration. Every single bone was broken, skull fractured, tiny bones that I didn't even realize were there shattered. The pain was unimaginable, and at some point, I passed out, not soon enough though. We often long for the black nothingness of unconsciousness, and today was no different until I awoke. I was in the meeting house, tied to a cross, not like your Christian ones but more like an X. All the trainers and some of the men that performed the ceremonies were standing in a line in front of me. Their leering smiles should have warned me.”

Sean growls as memories of his abuse flash because of my words. I continue quickly. “Then my father moved from the shadows, coming closer to me from the side. I could only see him in my peripheral. When he stopped in front of me, he too had a grin on his face. He said nothing just stood there smiling at me. That in itself terrified me. Then he raised his hand, at first I thought it was to hit me as he often did, but then the line of men parted and over his shoulder, past his smiling face, was my mother.” I swallow. Suddenly, I feel like that child who is in the room that day bound, struggling against the ropes to get free to save her.

“I fought until my wrists were bleeding as they circled around her. I thought… Well I thought they would rape her. All those men. I didn't realize though, not at the time, not as a child, that's what they've been doing all along since the day she was captured. It started with my father and though I don't know for sure, it continued with the other men as she protected me. It's probably why they realized it would do them no good. Instead, they bound her magic so she couldn't heal herself. They had bound mine while I was unconscious, I found out soon enough. Then they began to kill her extremely slow. Her screams, her begging, her sobbing went on for days. They never let us sleep, they never let us fade to darkness. In the end, she screamed my name until her throat bled. And in her last moment, he held her head so she could see me and I could see her, the love shining in her eyes even then as he slit her throat. He held her head by her hair and forced me to watch as the life bled out of her.”

It’s the first time I’ve ever said those words out loud. They each stare -- one at me, one at the fire, one at his friend, and the other looks out at the horizon. No one speaks, but then, there isn’t anything to say really.

“Anyway, things didn't go exactly as they planned. I was taken straight to the ceremonial cave, but there was no big celebration for me. It was just the men and my brother. I found out much later that he had been watching the whole time my mother had been butchered. His ceremony had been a few months before. You all know exactly what he chose, and thinking back, I realize they didn't have to break him. I don't even know that he needed the ceremony, as I'm almost certain he gave in to the power when he was very young. There were things that he did that a child shouldn't have wanted to do, or even known about. There he stood, watching, the bloodlust shining in his eyes, as they shoved me into the center of the circle.” Closing my eyes, I picture the cave. I had always thought it beautiful when I had went before. The walls were made of a beautiful emerald-like stone. It glistened in the light of our suns.

“The first ancients that shared their power had taken our clan members to this cave. So much blood had been spilled here. I stood, silent and defiant, in front of them as they called up the magic. The power surged around me, pulling at the thing living inside me, and the moment came for me to give in. That's all I had to do -- give in, let the power have its way, but I wouldn't. It was the one limitation the ancients had. The magic could not take over; it had to be given control.” I look at them and see the moment they truly understand. Nodding my head, I answer their unasked question, “To defeat him, I must do what I didn't do in that cave. You have seen just a taste of that power that day, that moment Powaqu approached Cora. In the last few hundred years, it has become harder for me to access any of the power without it taking over.”

Leaning back in the chair, I let my body finally relax as I watch them look at each other and look at me.

Jason is the first to speak. He's the quiet one. Much like his beast, Cerberus, he hunts and tracks and even now that beast stares out at me, coming forward to help the man. “It'll be like an animal starved, won't it?”

Before I can answer, Kai shifts forward and stares at the fire for a moment before turning his head and locking his eyes on me. “It's like Ylva’s Berserker. When she finally let it out, it locked her away until she convinced it they could live together.”

“The difference being mine will never let me out. I will simply stop existing. It'll be my body, my face, but I will no longer be there.” He sits back and looks around the group of men again.

Sean pushes to his feet, standing over me glaring down. “What about the wee lass? Have ye told her? When yer gone, what is she supposed to do?” I look at Michael, and he nods.

“Brother, we've discussed it. I told him we'd always look after her.”

“Ye discussed it. Discussed it? It’s going to tear her up. Ye know what she went through.” His anger is pushing the wolf, and a growl rumbles from a throat it shouldn’t be able to.

“I think our biggest problem is what happens after.” Michael drops his bomb and it detonates in my mind. After. When Odin is dead. “Who will stop ye then?”

Fuck. “Fuck!” Kai slams back in his chair his words echoing around the quiet garden.

“Fuck, indeed,” Danu says quietly, startling us all with her presence. “Sorry. I didn’t plan on eavesdropping but I’m glad I did. Loki…” She comes around from behind me and kneels, her hands catching hold of mine. “You cannot do this. Together, I’m sure we will be strong enough. I won’t lose you to this madness.”

I pull my right hand free and lay my palm on her cheek. “Yggdrasil knew it was the only way. We just never thought beyond. I will try my best to hold it in check.” I look around at the men then back at her. “While I do, you must all hit me with everything you have and anyone else still with us must do the same. Kill me.” She shakes her head, tears springing into her eyes. “Don’t leave me trapped. Don’t force me to watch what it does.” She nods once before standing and rushing away. I stand also, needing to be with Cora, to feel her love and her body.

I walk away but stop, turning back to them. “Don’t let me hurt her. It will target her first, hoping to break me completely, and it would. So keep her far from me when it happens.” I continue on, not waiting for them to agree. They are protectors before anything else and they will keep her safe, even from me.