Hailey “A nna, are you sure this is a good idea?” “I’ve already talked with them. I’ve told them what’s going
on. We have to face them. Youhave to face them, Hailey.”
“But why?” I asked. “They’re the ones who wrote us off, remember?”
“Look, if you’re not going to have this surgery, then at least try to reconcile your life a bit before you kill yourself.”
I knew Anna was angry with me, but her words were cutting deeper and deeper. I could see her white-knuckling the steering while, blinking back tears while I stared at the world passing us by. We were getting together with our parents in Phoenix tonight after breaking the news to them of what was happening and about how I was sick and how I was refusing surgery.
“I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this, Anna,” I said.
“Just talk with them. You don’t have to offer up any more information or answer any questions they don’t ask,” she said. “But it’s time we all tucked our shit away and sat down with one another.”
Even though my heartached and I was scared, I knew she was right. It had been years since we’d all sat down as a family, and either way, this would give me a chance to say all those things I wanted to say and to tell them how much them cutting me out hurt. I wanted them to know how I wanted them to watch me succeed and how I wanted a family to introduce a man like Bryan to but never got the chance. So many holidays and birthdays I’d spent alone, painting and throwing myself into my future plans while my mind had tried to forget them. I wanted them to know all the hurt and pain they had caused me. Anna and I rode in relative silence the entire way there. The red clay mountains of Arizona and the dry, cool air that had descended onto the city of Phoenix was all too familiar. I breathed in the scent, rolling down my window and taking deep breaths of my hometown as memories came flooding back to my mind. I remembered riding bikes with Anna and playing hide-and-seek, my first kiss in the middle of a movie in high school with the first boy I’d ever dated, and losing my virginity in a car at a make-out point with a guy who promised he’d be gentle. There were memories that made me smile swirling around a tumor that was going to eventually rob me of creating any more. “We’re here,” Anna said. The car stopped, and I looked up to the looming house. When I was growing up, our two-story house seemed monstrous. Its black shutters and white facade seemed to loom over me, taunting me with its harshness while sitting on a massive plot of land my parents had developed over the years. Swimming pools and tennis courts. A hot tub and a private outdoor sauna. A guesthouse and walking trails. A separate building that housed an entertainment center my father probably escaped to when my mother was too much. Some of it was new, but most of it had been built when I was still a child. My parents used to use all those things as fuel for wanting Anna and me to be successful. They’d tell us things like “you could have all this,” and “one day, this’ll all be yours, and you’ll need the money to upkeep it.” Like I’d ever want to come back to a place where I couldn’t be myself. I felt Anna take my hand, and I ripped my gaze from the house. Instead of looming and frightening, it now simply seemed empty and devoid of any emotion or circumstance like the two people dwelling within no longer cared to fill it with the memories that made the house come alive at night. Instead of the house creaking with the weight of memories, it simply creaked with the weight of its own emptiness. “Come on,” Anna said. “Let’s get this over with.” “I thought you were excited about this?” I asked. “Not after looking at this house. Come on.” We got out of the car and started toward the steps, but a familiar person opened the door before we got there. I stopped in my tracks, studying the man standing in the light of the opening on the porch. His hair was silver now, slicked back with gel and still thick with life. There were wrinkles around his eyes and a slight jiggle on the underside of his chin, but other than that, he looked just how I would remember him. My father. I had to stand there and catch my breath. Tears welled in my eyes while Anna gripped my hand hard. I had no idea the emotions that would come coursing through my system the moment I saw my daddy again, but as he stepped off the porch and came toward me, I burst into tears. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, and I breathed in the familiar scent of tobacco and mint. “Daddy,” I said breathlessly. “Come inside. Both of you,” he said. He escorted us into the house where my mother was setting dinner, but the moment we walked into the kitchen, she dropped everything. She came and hugged me tightly, trying to scoop me up into her arms like she did when I was a child. I felt like I’d just skinned my knee, and it was bleeding everywhere, and everything inside of me screamed for her to kiss it and make it all better. But she couldn’t, not for something like this. “Come on,” she said into my hair. “Let’s sit down and eat. You must
be hungry.”
The air was somber, and the first part of dinner was silent. I could feel their eyes on me while I took small bites of my food, chewing and swallowing with intention while I clocked my nausea.
The last thing I wanted to do was get sick in front of them.
“Hailey?” my father asked.
“Yes?”
“How bad is it?”
I slowly raised my gaze to his and drew in a deep breath through my nose. There was no use in holding it back from him. From them. Anna already knew, and I could see tears rising in her eyes. Her hand appeared over my knee and squeezed tightly, silently prompting me to tell them the truth.
Honestly, though? I no longer had the energy to lie anymore.
“It’s bad,” I said breathlessly. “I’ve only got about a twenty percent chance of pulling out of this.”
“Oh, my gosh,” my mother said, whispering.
“How long have you been sick?” my father asked.
“Dad.”
“Tell us, Hailey. Please.”
I flashed a look of anger at him before I settled back into my seat. Who the hell was he to demand anything of me? After what he’d done to both Anna and me?
“My migraines started a few months ago, but I didn’t go to the doctor until about four weeks ago. Apparently, I had renal cell carcinoma that metastasized to my brain. That’s a kidney tumor that morphed into a brain tumor,” I said.
“Can’t they just do surgery?” my mother asked.
“Right now, it’s about shrinking the tumors as much as possible before that happens. A combination of very strong chemotherapy shots and immunotherapy treatments are being used to try and shrink them to surgical size. But the doctor wants to move on the surgery sooner so they can set a port and get me on full-sized chemo treatments.”
“When’s the surgery?” my mother asked. “Can we be there for it?” “Right now, it’s not scheduled,” I said. “Why not?” my father asked. “Because I haven’t agreed to it yet.” That silenced the entire table, and I could see the shock rolling over my parents faces. The more I told the story, the more I was set on not having the surgery. I wanted to live the rest of my life out in peace, not sickly and weak and unable to indulge in the one thing that had gotten me through everything. “Hailey, if there’s even a small chance—” “I haven’t agreed to the surgery yet, Dad,” I said harshly. He nodded his head, but I could tell he had much still to say. “Do you remember the time Hailey fell out of that tree?” Anna asked. “What?” my mother asked. “The tree in the backyard you and Dad cut down a few years later. The massive oak tree? Remember how she climbed up it because I told her she couldn’t?” “I remember that,” I said. “That was when I broke my ankle, right?” “Yep!” Anna exclaimed. “Dad was so pissed, and Mom was freaking out about your foot being turned all cockeyed, and there I was taking a picture.” “Do you still have that picture?” I asked. “I have no idea. I have boxes and boxes of pictures I developed over the years. We’ll have to bust them out sometime and go through them.” The looks my parents were giving Anna were akin to her trying to chop her own arm off, but I knew what she was trying to do. And I loved her for it. “My favorite memory of Hailey was the first time she tried to bake a cake on her own,” my father said. “She got the flour everywhere. Even sniffed it up her nose! I had to take her to the doctor because I didn’t know if that much flour up a child’s nose was lethal or something.”
Anna started giggling as a small smile spread across my face. “Wanna know mine?” my mother asked. “It was the first time she decided she was going to read our nighttime story instead of me. She took the book while it was upside down and began reciting the whole thing. Your father freaked because he was around the corner and thought you were legitimately reading, but really you had just memorized the damn thing.” I couldn’t help but giggle at the story while my father’s laughter grew and grew. “Oh, and remember the time she first brought a boy home? What was she, seventeen? Eighteen? You hadn’t quite gone off to college yet.” That statement halted the entire conversation, and suddenly, my mother burst into tears. “Mom, what’s wrong?” Anna asked. But I knew what was wrong, and I knew what was coming. “I’m so sorry, Hailey,” she said through her tears. “I-I’m so very sor
ry.”
I watched my father reach over, a tear streaking down his cheek as he cupped my mother’s arm. “We should’ve never done what we did to you girls,” she said. “We thought we were doing what was best and that maybe you were going through a phase and that us not talking for a while would bring you back. But it spiraled so far out of control, and we didn’t know what to do.” I sat there solemnly while everyone cried around me, and for the first time since my world had been turned upside down, I could summon no tears for the moment. “I’m sorry, too, Hailey. Your mother was the one who eventually wanted to reach out, but I was stubborn. Angry. Hurt. Disappointed. So many things I shouldn’t have been toward my daughter who only wanted to follow her dreams. I’m sorry. To both of you,” my father said. “Life’s too short for all this,” my mother said, “and when Anna called us, I just crumbled to the floor. I’m so glad you guys came for dinner and that we’re all here. Together. Like it should’ve been.” I saw Anna getting teary-eyed, and I reached over for her hand. I wanted to forgive them. Really, I needed to forgive them. I needed to let go and keep charging forward. I didn’t know how much time I was going to have left on this planet, and I didn’t want to spend it being angry or resentful or hurt. I just wanted to spend it with the people I loved most, the people I’d never stopped loving in the first place. “I forgive you guys,” I said. “Me too,” Anna said. “But I need you guys to do something for me.” Their crying slowed down while everyone turned their faces to me. “What is it, sweetheart?” my father asked. “If you’ve seen the error of your ways, so to speak, then I have a favor to ask of you. Anna here has some wonderful ideas for her future, ideas we’ve been tossing around with some friends of ours.” “Hailey, don’t,” Anna said. “What are they?” my mother asked. “She wanted to provide low-cost legal aid to those who need it the most in the San Diego area. She’s really passionate about it. It’s the only thing that kept her going at the firm when she worked here. She’d have people who would come in and need her help but couldn’t afford her rates, so she took the pro bono work behind your backs. I want you two to promise me you’ll support her. She's going to need it after I’m gone.” “Hailey, don’t talk like that,” my father said. “I need you two to promise me you’ll be here for her. For me,” I said. “Oh, Hailey,” my mother said, sniffling. I looked over at Anna, and the shocked look on her face punched me in the gut. But I needed to make sure she would be supported while I was gone. Anna was never as strong as me when it came to our parents, and the last thing I wanted was for her to slip back into a life she didn’t like after I was gone. I wanted her to continue chasing her dreams and her passions. I didn’t want her to be sucked back a place that hadn’t felt like home to her in years. “Promise me, please,” I said. “We promise,” my father said. “I’ll even help her set up her own practice if that’s what she wants.” “Me, too,” my mother said. “We promise.” “You can’t change the past,” I said. “What’s done is done. But you can change the future. You can make it better. Anna’s still young, and the two of you still have a lot of life to live.” “You do, too, Hailey,” my father said. “Don’t forget that.” “My body would tell you differently,” I said. “Honey, are you sure you don’t want us to talk to the doctor or something?” my mother asked. “I can easily get into contact with the top brain surgeons in the nation,” my father said. “At the drop of a hat.” “I’m sure,” I said, nodding. “Whether Anna believes it or not, I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking this through. I want to spend what life I have left enjoying it and smiling, not sitting in a chair connected to a port while I waste away with poison in my body. I’ve done the research, and I’ve called and gotten the respective second opinions.” “Wait, you have?” Anna asked. “I’m not sitting in my apartment wallowing in my own sorrows, sis,” I said, grinning. “And even with the surgery done now, I still only have a thirty percent chance of recovery. The odds of me dying from the common cold because my body can’t fight it off are higher than my actual recovery odds now. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Trust me.” Tears were streaming down all their faces as my mom reached out for my other hand.
“We love you, Hailey. I know it hasn’t seemed like it over the years, but we love you dearly. You’re our daughter, and all we ever wanted was for you to be your best.” “And I have become my best,” I said, smiling. “Opened my own art gallery and everything.” “You did?” my father asked. “I did, and it’s actually doing really well. That’s the next thing on my list, actually, figuring out what to do with it and who to give it over to.” “You know I’ll take it over if you want me to,” Anna said. “Not if you’re going to be doing all that low-cost legal aid work. There’s a lot of it needed in San Diego alone. You’ll be busy,” I said, grinning. “Well, we’ll help you with whatever you need,” my father said. “Just tell us what you want us to do, and we’ll do it,” my mother said. “Right now, all I need from the two of you is to support Anna, so she’s not sucked back into a world she hates,” I said. “I’ve already got ideas running through my head if you want to talk about them later?” my mother asked Anna. “I’d really like that,” Anna said, smiling. The rest of the dinner was spent listening to my family talk amongst themselves. Anna and my mother were going back and forth on ways to arrange her new life, so she could help the most people she could. My father was giving his own input where he could, and even went so far as to suggest that he could travel in a couple days a week to provide low-cost healthcare to those she takes on as clients. I smiled and shook my head, watching my family that had been at odds for years pool their knowledge and resources together to help and reconcile instead of to debase and cut out. But in the back of my mind, I was still worried about Bryan and what I would tell him if anything. Was I making the right decision to break off with him? I worried about whether I should at all. I had no idea what my next move was, and it hurt. It hurt to watch Anna plan her future with my parents while dwelling on the fact that I didn’t have a future anymore.
I realized then that I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Breaking up with Bryan seemed to be the most logical thing to do, but it was in moments like this, when my head hurt and my side was throbbing and my stomach was rolling with nausea, that the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in his arms and cry.
But doing that meant I had to tell him I was dying, and I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him that after everything else I’d put him through.