Chapter 3
Bryan
F inally, I was able to get Hailey out for dinner. It was a wonderful Saturday evening, and the chill was shivering the air. I picked her up from her gallery as she was locking up and handed her flowers that matched the cyan of her hair. She squealed and threw her arms around me, and for the first time in a week and a half, I was able to bury my nose against her neck. She smelled of paints and success. I held her in the gravel parking lot while her head nuzzled into my shoulder, and for a while, we simply stood there. I wanted to take us out and celebrate our successes. I wanted us to have a glass of wine and toast the awareness we’d dripped into the community because of John’s showcase. I wanted to update her on Drew and how his tattoo parlor was doing and ask her if she ever ended up helping him with the inside like he’d originally asked. After all, when Drew and I got together now, we talked about everything but business. I drove us across town to an Italian restaurant I was lucky to get us reservations at last minute. I’d only scored them because there had been a cancellation at the last minute, and even more perfect, it was a window-side table. That meant we had one of the better views of the city while still confining ourselves from the cold, and I knew Hailey would simply love it. She didn’t let me treat her often, so I clung to the moments where I could surprise her with something wonderful.
“Bryan, this place is too expensive,” she said. “We’re not even dressed right!” “Doesn’t matter,” I said as I pulled up in the parking lot. “All that matters is you’re here with me.” The smile she shot in my general direction was enough to fill my soul with pride. I led her up the steps while her hand slipped easily within mine. The hostess led us to our table, and I pulled out her chair so she could sit. A bottle of red wine was already aerating on the table when we sat down, and I took the liberty of pouring us each a glass while we took a look at the menu. But even as I sipped on my wine, I noticed she wasn’t doing the same. Instead, she sipped on her iced water next to the glass. “So. How was work?” I asked. “Busy, as always,” she said, smiling. “So just the way you like it.” “Of course, but a lot of bloggers and reporters are coming in. I guess they’re getting tired of running the same kind of story and quotes all the time, so I’m having to come up with original material.” “Or you could tell them that they can’t interview you during work hours,” I said. “Then they’ll just hound me once I close,” she said, whining. “You could run from them like I do,” I said. “Yeah, with my car we have to jump-start every time I crank it.” “I keep telling you to let me change that battery.” “And I keep telling you it’s not your responsibility.” I grinned at her while our waiter took our orders. I could see his eyes lingering on Hailey even though she was oblivious, so I slid my hand over the table to cover hers. Her eyes shot up to mine and sparkled, her fingers wrapping around my hand as her warmth made my skin tingle. How I’d missed her touch.
“Someone staring a bit too much?” she asked when the waiter walked away.
“How did you know?”
“I could see that jealous glint in your eye,” she said.
“Well, you’re a beautiful woman, and I know I’m not the only one who sees it.”
“Don’t worry. I enjoy being claimed by you.”
My body was set on fire just with her words. How I wanted to claim her body. How I wanted to throw her on top of this table and ravish her in front of everyone. I wanted to bury my face between her legs and slide my body against hers. I wanted to writhe with her between the sheets of my bed and soak my bedroom with her musky, sweaty scent.
“How’s work going for you?” she asked.
“Actually, really well. We’ve got seven sites we’re completing in the next seven months, and I’m working on securing sites to develop all the way through next year. The company’s even looking to expand outside of the city.”
“Bryan, that’s wonderful!” she exclaimed. “When did you make that decision?”
“Well, it’s not official yet. If I branch out into different cities, I’d have to send people to new offices I’d have to build to oversee things. Doing it all myself would put me on the road too much. And right now, the only person I trust has his family rooted here. So, for now, it’s still just a possibility.”
“But a plausible one?” she asked.
“A very plausible one.”
“What if you went to the new city?” she asked.
“Huh?”
“I mean, if the only guy you trust has his family rooted here, what’s keeping you from going to the new city?” she asked.
“You’re kidding, right?”
Where in the world was this coming from?
“No. I’m not. I mean, do you enjoy San Diego that much?” she asked. “Yes. And I can think of one huge reason why I would rather stay.” I clenched her hand tightly within mine as her eyes dropped to our interlocked fingers. “I mean, I could come visit you. Drive to you and all. That isn’t an issue.” “Where is this coming from?” I asked. “Are you wanting me to leave?” “Why would I want you to leave?” she asked. “I don’t know. I just get the feeling you’re hiding something.” I saw a flicker of something roll across her face, and I knew I’d hit the nail on the head. There was something she was keeping from me, and in an instant, my thumb was tracing comforting circles on top of her skin. It was a movement that always calmed her mind and helped her collect her thoughts, and Iwatched her flutter her eyes closed at the sensation while goosebumps trickled up her arms. “Hailey, what’s going on?” I asked. I felt a sense of dread welling in my chest as she drew a deep breath in through her nose. “I don’t want to hurt you, Bryan,” she said breathlessly. “Hailey. With all we’ve been through, you should know by now that you can come to me with anything. There’s nothing you have to hide from me. I’m here to love you and support you and help you achieve your dreams. Talk to me. I know something’s been wrong the past couple weeks.” Her weary eyes connected with mine, and I saw how tired she was, how exhausted her eyes looked. She had on makeup, something I’d never known her to wear out in public. She had on foundation and what looked like to be concealer, and it was cracking into the crevices of her skin that were drying out and giving way beneath the pressure she was under.
“Talk to me,” I said. “I don’t know if it’s a good time to move in with you,” she said. I stared at her and blinked. I saw her shoulders slump forward while her head fell toward the table. Under any other circumstance, I would’ve thought she was ashamed of something or even possibly sidestepping an issue. But I saw the relaxation that coursed through her body just saying those words, and right then, I felt regret. Regret and shame and guilt. “We’re both so busy,” she said, “and you live farther away from the gallery. Granted, it’s only ten more minutes, but my days are longer and full of more work. I’m painting like a wild animal in my back room and taking it back to my apartment to work on. Sometimes, I’m not getting into bed until two or three in the morning, and the last thing you need is me slipping in so late at night when you have to be up at six. You’re pulling longer hours because Drew’s gone, and I still have yet to help him with the interior designing of his tattoo parlor, and it’s just all so—” I leaped up from the table and rounded around to her. I took her into my arms and kissed her furiously, silencing her words as her arms threaded around my neck. In an instant, her body caved. I felt all of her weight rest against my strength while my hands roamed the body of the woman I loved and missed and wished for desperately during the early morning hours when she wasn’t there. She’d worried herself sick over something so simple, and I felt terrible that she couldn’t say anything before now. I released her lips and felt her sigh heavily into me. Her cheek pressed into my shirt while her hands slid down my sides. I wrapped my arms around her and slowly rocked her body, ignoring the looks people were giving us while she closed her eyes and allowed me to comfort her. “You don’t have to move in right now, Hailey,” I said. “Not if it’s causing this kind of stress.” “I’m so sorry, Bryan,” she said, whispering.
“Don’t you dare be sorry for something like this. I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me sooner.” She pulled away from me and fluttered her saddened gaze up to mine. There was still something there she wasn’t addressing. For now, I could see the relief that her body had naturally settled into, so I knew that would have to be enough. But we weren’t done talking, not by a longshot. I was disappointed, but I was more relieved that she felt comfortable again. We sat back down in our chairs, and I refilled my glass of wine while she continued to ignore hers. The small little action was getting to me, screaming at me when I really didn’t think it should. We sat in silence as our food descended in front of us, and then it was Hailey who broke the silence this time. “So, I made an executive decision,” she said. “About what?” I asked. “There were a couple of John’s paintings that I didn’t have the heart to sell.” “Which two?” I asked. “The one with all the colors splashed onto it with the two black figures in the foreground and the one that has the color inverse.” “I still think they were painted together with one single intention,” I said. “Me, too, but no one ever wanted to buy both. It was always one or the other. So, I kept them, and I’m loaning them out as a pair to other galleries and museums.” “What?” I asked. “Yep,” she said, smiling. “I had a woman from LAB Art take an interest in them, so they borrowed them both for the month. They’re currently hanging on the walls for one thousand dollars a pop, and I’m taking half the proceeds from loaning them out to various places and donating it to the local homeless shelter.”
I sat back in my chair and chuckled as my gaze turned out the window. “I could’ve never imagined,” I said. “I figured you would be excited about the news.” “Never in a million years did I ever think my brother could’ve had this type of lasting impact on a community,” I said. I could feel the guilt trickling through my body even as the words flew from my mouth. “Bryan,” she said as she took my hand, “it’s okay. It’s okay to be shocked. It doesn’t mean you didn’t believe in him. It just means none of us dreamed big enough. There’s no shame in that.” “You know what I keep thinking about?” I asked. “I have a feeling, but I want you to say it.” I turned my head to face her, and I saw the knowing look in her eyes. “I keep thinking about those assholes who did it, who shot my little brother up with heroin because they were pissed. They killed him, Hailey, in cold fucking blood, and they were never brought to justice.” “I know,” she said. “The police didn’t even bother looking into it.” “I know,” she said. “And there isn’t anything we can do about it, either. They’re dead. In the end, they got what they deserved, in my opinion.” “I’m sorry for being so down on our special night out,” I said. “Don’t be. I love you, Bryan, and like you reassured me, I’m here for you anytime you want to talk about things like this. It doesn’t always have to be sunshine and rainbows and romance with us. Sometimes, it can just be real.” I saw something flash in her eyes again, but it dissipated before I could identify what it was. “I never want to be the cause of any pain in your life,” she said. “I guess that’s another reason why I’ve been distant.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “All this media attention makes you uncomfortable, and it’s probably inconvenient. I brought it all on you, convincing you to let me pitch that story to Jennifer.” “Hailey, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s not painful,” I said, chuckling. “The last thing you could ever bring me is pain.” I watched her swallow hard, and I knew I was digging closer to what was really going on. “I’m just trying to focus more on helping people,” I said. “With more jobsites come more money, and with more money comes the chance to help more people. It’s the best way to honor my brother like you showcasing his art was the best way for you to do the same. Just like you’re donating that money from his loaned paintings to the very shelters that kept him alive on the streets.” “I suppose so,” she said. “Well, I know so.” Our food was getting cold, but I didn’t care. We were having a real conversation for the first time in weeks, and I wasn’t letting my hungry stomach get in the way. I reached over and took her other hand, tracing my thumbs across her skin while she continued to draw in deep breaths. “I’m still shocked your parents came to the gallery,” she said. “Oh, hell. Me, too. Honestly, I couldn’t believe they showed up.” “Did you see the way your mother looked at my hair? I thought she was going to keel over in disgust.” “I was more focused on how my father seemed to want to stay, despite that Mom seemed to want to rush him out.” “So you caught that, too?” she asked. “Yeah. In fact, I’ve talked to him a few times over the past couple days.” “Wait. Really? They’re picking up for you now?” “Well, not Mom. But Dad is, yes. We’ve talked on a few occasions.” “Any invitations to dinner?” she asked.
“Nope, but he did ask about the gallery and about how well it did and how much we raised. He kept asking about your gallery hours and what days you were open. It seemed like he wanted to stop by maybe or something. I don’t know. Either way, he’s talking to me, so I guess that’s an improvement.” “It is,” she said, smiling. “It really is. I still think you should make up with them.” “When they’re willing to apologize, sure. My father hasn’t apologized, so I can’t honestly say we’re on the same footing with our relationship, but that’s the only contingency.” “Why does it have to have contingencies?” she asked. “Well, you had dinner with them. You saw how quickly they riled you up to a point where you had to put them in their place. Imagine choking those dinners down for four years, two times a month. At least.” “Okay. Yeah. I see your point,” she said, giggling. “Should we ever get back on even ground with our dinners and such, would you like to come to the next one?” Her eyes softened while they gazed into mine before she bent over and kissed my knuckles. “Of course, I’ll go with you.” We finally disconnected and began picking at our food. The silence was easy between us this time. It was no longer pregnant with tension and unspoken words, though I still felt that nagging sensation in the back of my head. I was two glasses of wine in while hers still sat untouched, so I decided to do something to draw her attention to it. I switched her glass with mine and started drinking it down. Her eyes followed me, watching my lips intently while they curled around the glass. I could see her eyes trained on the red liquid as it passed by my mouth, but if it bothered her, she didn’t make a show of it. She smiled lightly at me before she speared another piece of her broccoli, slowly chewing as I set the glass back down.
And all she did was pick up her glass of water and sip delicately on it. “It still haunts me, you know,” I said. “My brother’s death.” “It does for me, too, sometimes,” she said. “Even though I know the truth, it somehow doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. When he was a drug addict, I could at least tell myself he died by his own sword. But now, knowing what I know...” “It leaves a hole you can’t fill?” My eyes flew up to hers, and I could see that pain there again, the same pain that seeped in at the beginning of dinner before she told me she couldn’t move in with me yet. Her conscience still wasn’t clear, and it killed me that she couldn’t say it. “I sometimes wonder if my parents are handling it better, since they already gave up on him,” I said. “I wouldn’t say they gave up. They did come to the gallery,” she said. “For all of fifteen minutes.” “But they haven’t shown up at any of the memorial celebrations you’ve had, so I’d say it’s an improvement.” She had a point, one I hadn’t really considered before. “You know it’s not your fault your brother’s dead, right?” she asked. I winced at how bluntly she put the statement while she set her fork down. “Bryan, look at me.” I focused my gaze back to her eyes as I placed another piece of pasta between my lips. “What happened to John was not your fault. I don’t know if your parents are still struggling, but I’m keen to say yes. I’m keen to say they’ve always been struggling. There’s a chemical bond that happens between a mother and a child, a bond that doesn’t merely go away because the child does something wrong. Your parents haven’t reacted well, but I’m hard-pressed to think they don’t care. If anything, you’re responsible for John getting his life back in order. He wanted to impress you, Bryan. He wanted you to be proud of him.” My eyes filled with tears right there at the dinner table as Hailey reached out and grabbed my hand. “He wanted your approval. No one else’s. And that’s what pulled him out from his drug-addled ways.” I sniffled while she grasped my hand tightly across the table. Somethingtold me we were going to be sitting here a while, staring at one another and allowing our bodies to relive some harsh truths. After a while, the wine I’d ingested smoothed away any doubts and fears I had about Hailey, and that meant I could enjoy her presence more than ever. But I was ripped back to my stark reality when she told me to take her back to her apartment instead of coming home with me. She was hiding something, but the last thing I wanted to do was push her away because I was prying too much. After all, we’d just gotten back on even footing, and I didn’t want to risk losing her again.