SOPHIA
Would I come back?
I would go wherever he was. I would foolishly follow this boy I had only known for five weeks, but to whom I felt so profoundly connected, anywhere. But right now, orphaned, overwhelmed, emotionally exacerbated and raw, I had nowhere to be. I needed to be before I could go.
I couldn’t trust Simon. I didn’t know what Jules knew or what she was too naïve to consider, but what I understood was that I wasn’t safe. The more I thought about the cyclone of my life, the last few months of which left my soul battered and blue, the more I slipped from reality. I wasn’t deserving. I wasn’t worthy. I had to escape.
“If I let you go,” his voice cracked, losing the confidence he so often exuded, “will you come back, Soph? I…I need you, Soph. I need to be with you. You ground me. You…you make the nightmares stop. You make the fear go away. You make me breathe, Soph. Please…”
His confession briefly paralyzed my mind while I stared at his soft, wet eyes. I’m hurting him.
“I need you too, Jameson, but there are some things that even you can’t protect me from. Right now, I’m one of them. I’m one of those things you can’t prevent from hurting me. You can’t protect me from myself.”
I stepped by him, spinning from his grasp and leaving him to stand outside of the bedroom while I nervously ran from a gaping Thomas and Elizabeth. The only thing I could blame this newfound moxie on was the adrenaline and my empty stomach. I just needed to breathe. I ran to the elevator, struggling with the bag of clothes in my hands, frantically pounding the button. When it arrived, I flew in and repeated the same pounding in hopes of speedily getting away. I didn’t belong in the Ritz. The sparkling crystal water glasses in the bathroom and lavish oils in the bath were enough to remind me that I wasn’t at home. I had nowhere.
“Ma’am,” an employee nodded as I jumped out of the elevator.
I didn’t have the strength to smile politely. I didn’t smile politely. Ever. That was too invasive of a social expectation. Keeping my head low and my feet moving, I tumbled down the massive front steps and into the parking lot. The expensive cars, untouched by the hurricane and overflowing the capacity of the parking lot blocked my quick exit while I tried to weave out of there.
“Soph!” His voice tore right through my panting chest, tingling down my arms in a weakening pain that loosened the bag from my hands. I watched it spill onto the pavement and knelt to frantically gather the clothes.
“Sophia,” Jameson called, closer this time.
I told myself not to look up, not to see the hurt I knew was there, but I didn’t listen to the wimpy voice inside my mind. I listened to my heart and his voice instead. He was feet away, approaching with hesitation, and his hazel eyes were hauntingly void of the magnetic golden sparkle that beckoned my heart.
“Soph.” Jameson’s fingers wrapped around my shoulders, slowly shaking me to reality. He was crying. His eyes were moist, threatened by tears.
“I…I’m sorry.” I fell into him, my body crashing against his with such a force that we nearly tumbled onto the pavement.
His arms tightened around my back, adhering us to one another. It was a bittersweet suffocation because I knew I still had to leave. I needed to breathe.
“Please don’t go,” he whispered above my head, lifting a palm to press my face against his chest.
I was beginning to sniffle, more tears obstructing my vision, when I struggled to wiggle from his hold.
“Please let me,” I replied, lifting my head back to see his face. He had aged in the last hour alone, fearful, unsure, and lost. Just like me.
“Where are you going?”
“Somewhere.” I inhaled, absorbing what I could of him while tightly closing my eyes.
The soft, crackling hum of his anxious voice flowed into my ears, torturing my confidence. “Let me come with you.”
“Not this time, Jameson.”
“At least let me take you somewhere so I know you’re safe.”
My head shook, a heavy sigh trembling from my lips. “Jameson?”
“Yes, Soph?”
“This might sound strange, but do you remember the first time we touched one another? Like when our hands…”
He interrupted me, his eyes knowingly scanning mine. “At school. I was leaving late because I had to finish an art project and you wouldn’t let me drive you home. I tried to take your hand. And…yes, I remember.”
“The feeling?”
“Yes.” He nodded, swallowing in anticipation of my words.
My lungs slowly steadied, only a few ragged hiccup breaths dribbled from my throat. I blew some air out, steadying my nerves before continuing.
“I can’t forget it. It’s like an electric current that just runs through my body now, like it’s part of my bloodstream and part of some system that keeps me…”
“Alive.” His expression softened, comprehending my words entirely.
“And,” I continued, blushing through my damp cheeks, “when you promised you’d keep away my nightmares, the first time you spent the night in my room. You let me sleep on you when you barely knew me.”
“I wanted to know you. I told you that, Soph.” Jameson released his hold around my body and lifted his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks tightly. “You broke down my walls, Sophia Reid. I can’t move forward without you as my foundation. I won’t.”
“I was terrified when I met you. I’m terrified now,” I admitted, looking into his eyes, “I just need some space, Jameson, space from my heart and my mind. I just need a little while to be without our reality.”
Our reality. Something we shared together, a precious, sacred secret binding Jameson and I until we decided to break it.
“Please hold on to those memories, Jameson. For now.”
“Only until I can hold you.”
My head fell, shaking against his chest, “Stop saying that. Stop being so perfect. You’re being so incredibly selfish right now, Jameson!”
“Soph, this is just like our date,” his voice raised. “Please don’t run.”
“Give me time, Jameson! Give me air! You’ve become my oxygen, my addiction. You’re this…this…chemical to my heart and now…”
“I get it,” his trembling voice sighed, his right hand running through his wild hair. “You’re that to me, Soph. You’re my home. Take me with you.”
Jameson’s hand lifted tentatively, slowly resting against my heart. I could feel the magnetic, electric response my body had to his touch as waves rippled from his palm and radiated throughout.
“I have no home,” I reminded him, lifting my hands to hold the wrist pressing against my heart.
“You always will when you’re with me, Soph,” he whispered. “Always. Why won’t you see that? Stop running.”