I sat still for a very long time.
I knew this feeling. I’d lived it, breathed it, carried it around like the proverbial chip on my shoulder, letting it fester and fuel my ire. And at times, I loved it. It was my family, friend, and foe. It was the only thing I ever really knew. However, I didn’t have a word for it up until now. It had become such a crucial part of me like a phantom limb. The ache of it was always there, existing deep within my belly where no one could see how it had seduced me to madness. I’d been able to stifle it enough to function, but now it settled right at the surface, cloaking me in its comforting darkness like an electric blanket. There was no fighting it anymore, for it had evolved into something much greater than myself. No, not evolved. It had fused to my spine and rooted itself in my feet. And it bloomed.
There’s a knock at the door but I don’t bother to answer, just as I didn’t when Niko came to my room to check on me. However, this time, it’s Gabriella that turns the knob and lets herself in. And I don’t mind. She may be the only person here who would possibly understand why I haven’t said a word since Lucifer dropped the bomb that splintered both of our lives.
Gabriella, the second Horseman, is War. And I am Death. We were the first of our kind, and we would die the last.
She sits on the bed beside me. Her presence is solace yet it’s also a curse. It reminds me of the lives we’ll take—the lives we’ve already taken. And the lives that will never grow to taste the sweetness of a first breath.
“You lied.”
She turns to me, yet doesn’t respond. Just simply waits for me to continue, as if she’s told many lies over many lifetimes and she’s just wondering which one I’m going to pick out of the hat.
“You said you hadn’t been feeling sick or faint. You lied.”
She turns her head and goes back to staring at the wall. Maybe she sees something in it that I can’t.
“Dorian…he doesn’t know?” I ask after too many beats of silence.
She takes a gulp of air. “I was waiting for the right time.”
“I think you may have missed your window.”
She snorts a laugh, or maybe it’s a sob. It sounds painful.
“How did you know?”
I shrug. “Nephilim gift. I can sense life, and I can sense death. Apparently, I can also create death.”
“Not yet. There’s still time for you.”
“Days. Less than a week. If we don’t stop Legion, the archangel Michael will do it for us. And destroy all creatures that are not of God in the process. That is, if I don’t go nuclear and kill everyone first.”
“Sorry, going nuclear is sorta my job. Get your own.”
Now we both laugh. Not because it’s funny, but because it’s true.
“They’re out there talking strategy. They want to move in on Aurora tonight,” she informs me after our bit of dark humor.
“Not surprised. Probably smart before she flees.”
“You in?”
“Hell yeah. I need to hit something. Now more than ever. You?”
“Of course. Aurora was and is my problem. I put her down once. I’m glad to do it again.”
“But what about your…”
She shoulders sag as she releases a heavy breath and cradles her stomach. “A lot of mothers lost their babies because of me. My child is no more precious than theirs. And if we don’t end this, there won’t be a world left for this little one to grow up in.”
I nod in agreement and total admiration of her strength. But a part of me is afraid for her. She’s had her fair share of loss, plus she just got Niko back. I can’t imagine what losing him a second time would do to her, not to mention something happening to Dorian. It just feels wrong to ask her to sacrifice herself and her unborn child for a cause she did not sign up for. But then again, none of us asked for this.
“Are you afraid?” I question quietly.
“All the time,” she responds. Then she reaches over to grasp my hand, forcing me to meet her gaze. “When I met Dorian, I found my reason in this world. I was a lot like you—lost, angry, and in so many ways, alone. I had a home and parents that loved me, but I always knew something was missing. He was that something. My son, Niko, my father, Alexander… I didn’t know real fear until I had a family. Because I knew that losing them would break me. It would destroy me. And that is a fate worse than death.”
I struggle to muster a smile, because as much as I hurt for her, I envy her. I find myself jealous of all she has to lose, which makes me feel like an asshole. She took all the shit life had dealt her and she created something beautiful, something worth fighting for. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself when I have nothing left to gamble away. My sister will be fine, and honestly, she’ll be better off. I can’t be making things any easier between her and Cain, especially after taking off with The Redeemer. With me out of the way, she won’t feel torn to choose between us, if it ever came to that. Because she would choose me—no doubt. She would choose me and suffer in silence because she couldn’t be with the one she loved. And I can’t do that to her. Not after she’s already experienced so much pain because of me.
I exhale my self-loathing and climb to my feet, ready to just focus on the battle ahead.
“I’ve got a few extra weapons you can use.”
The edge of Gabriella’s mouth curls and she shakes her head. “Don’t need them. And neither do you. Niko told me what you can do. It’s one thing to be able to tap into the pliable minds of humans, but demons too? I wonder what else you’re capable of.”
“Not enough, honestly. It’s too difficult to try to hold several at once, and then it takes me a few minutes to recharge.”
“And your holy light?”
“It takes a good bit of concentration. I have to channel all my focus into one concentrated ball. It’s easier when I have someone or something to draw from that can put me in that dark headspace and make me think of all the fucked up shit that I try to forget.” Which worked wonders when I had to face off with Adriel in the ring. Not so much when we were surrounded by a horde of demons, three Seraph, and all their zealots though.
Gabriella stands and claps me on the shoulder. “Then you should do just fine.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because the world is literally coming to an end in a matter of days and we’re leading the charge. The demon you’re in love with is murdering by the dozens. Not to mention, you’re roommates with the Devil. I’d say you’ve got plenty of fucked up shit to draw from.”
She’s right, but then again, she’s wrong. Because while I’ve got more baggage than Samsonite, being here with Lucifer hasn’t been all bad. Last night was definitely not what I planned, but it wasn’t solely on him. We were drugged, and I’m just as responsible as he is. I’m just glad I was able to scrub it from my mind before morning, although I don’t really like the idea that he knows something I don’t. However, considering how many women he’s slept with, our romp is probably a distant memory by now.
We rejoin the men out in the sitting area just as they’re wrapping up. I feel awkward as hell, but I sit and engage as they fill us in on the mission, which they’re expecting will be child’s play. According to Dorian and Niko, Aurora has never been a fighter, and Gabriella could take her out without even trying. Still, I worry for her and her unborn child, but I tamp it down. It’s not my place, and she knows the extent of her abilities better than I do. She is a queen for a reason.
The Dark royalty take off to recharge their strength, agreeing to meet us at the designated time and place. And by recharge, I know they mean breathing. A chill snakes up my spine as I remember the breathing ritual Nikolai and I shared. It was so sensual, so intense. Would the three of them do it together? I know Niko is fond of his sister-in-law, and in some ways, his feelings for her have been borderline inappropriate. They’re supernatural and don’t conform to human standards of modesty. So maybe a breathing session/Dark ménage isn’t as outlandish to them as it sounds to me. Shit, honestly, it sounds pretty hot.
I’m pulled from my smutty Dark royalty fanfic only by the realization that I’m alone with Lucifer. He hasn’t spoken to me yet, not since he let the Death cat out of the bag, but he watches me, those swirling violet eyes regarding me pensively. I know he’s rueful, but that doesn’t change the fact that he kept this secret from me for so long.
“So this was it, wasn’t it? Your big insurance plan in case the world goes to shit? Uriel was telling the truth.”
“Yes.”
Lucifer scrubs a hand over his face and I notice how weary he looks. I remember he told me he doesn’t sleep. It seems as if the day has caught up to him and we still have a mission ahead of us tonight.
“And you didn’t think this was something I should know? From the very beginning? I’ve spent time with each of the First Women, and you knew that. I would have liked to have known that we were all interconnected and destined to start the apocalypse.”
“It wasn’t necessary to tell you.”
“Yeah, until it was. For fuck’s sake, Lucifer. I get that you think that I’m young and stupid, but I deserved to know.”
“Why would I have told you when I had no intention of you fulfilling that destiny?” He shakes his head on a long blink, his brow furrowed in earnest. “I wanted things for you, Eden. I wanted you to live a long, full life. Find love, have a family, grow old. You think I planned this shit? You really believe I would gamble with human life so easily when I fucking fell from grace so that your kind could think for your fucking selves and not be slaves to blind faith?”
My expression is stone when I reply, “Well…you are the Devil.”
“Yes. I am. I absolutely am.” He flexes his fists in his lap, painting his knuckles white. “And since you intend on reminding me of that, maybe you should remember that me divulging any-fucking-thing is more than you or anyone else deserve.”
I cross my arms in front of my chest, shielding myself from the sting of his words. He’s right. Why would I think he owes me anything—or he would give me anything—when he’s proven time and time again that he’s only out for his own selfish gain?
“Would it kill you for one second to think of anyone other than yourself?” I ask, my voice sounding small to my own ears. “To just consider how someone else would feel? An hour ago, I learned that I am Death incarnate. My purpose on this earth is to destroy. And all this time, you let me chase my tail trying to save a world I was meant to kill.”
“And if I would have told you, would it have been any easier? Would you have fought against it? Or would you have given up and let fate run its course? I chose not to tell you, Eden, because I didn’t want you to lose your will to live. I didn’t want to strip you of your choice to be something better, something more. I didn’t want to take that away from you like it was taken from me.”
I shake my head and look away, biting back angry tears. It’s just so frustrating. Every time I think he’s changed, every time I believe he isn’t the deviant he’s depicted to be, he proves me wrong. And I hate myself for falling for his lies wrapped in a dashing smile and draped in a designer suit.
Yet here I am, falling for that pretty, charming package once again. Because everything he’s saying right now—all the bullshit he’s spoon-feeding me—I’m lapping it up. It was so much easier when all I saw when I looked at him was a callous, sinister monster. And now that I know that there’s blood on my hands—blood that I’ll never be able to scrub clean—I can’t really tell the two of us apart. Because a week ago, if I were the only one who knew Legion would become a murderous animal and no matter how hard he fought, he would still succumb to that fate, I would just try like hell to hold on to him. I would spend every waking moment memorizing the feel of his stubble scratching the inside of my thighs and the depth of his dimples whenever he’d flash one of his rare smiles and the sound of his gruff groans when he’d push inside of me to the hilt. I’d trace every muscle and every chiseled curve with my tongue as if our story was embedded in his skin in the sweetest braille. And I would tell him how much I truly love him, how he was placed on this earth for me and I for him. And even if eternity tried to tear us apart, I would spend my years waiting for him to barge into my life, guns blazing, once again to steal me away from this world’s ills.
There are no more words to say, no other way I can convince myself that Lucifer is lying, so I retreat to my room to prepare for the evening. I arm myself with every angelsbane-tipped blade in my possession along with as many guns and ammo I can conceal in my modified jacket. I haven’t worn it since that night in Grant Park, and I had hoped I never would. When I realize I’m missing a vital piece of my arsenal, I go back into the shared living space.
“Where’s The Redeemer?”
Lucifer is still seated, pouring over local area maps. He points over to where the velvet bundle sits on the table. I’m surprised; I expected him to keep it for himself, especially since it’s the only weapon known to man that could kill him.
“You really shouldn’t have had that just stored in your backpack. Anyone could have found it.”
“Well, I didn’t have any better ideas.”
Without preamble, he stands and strides over to me. His expression is grim when he reaches over and picks up The Redeemer, weighing the burden of his Father’s disappointment in his palm. Then he takes the liberty of opening my jacket and securing the dagger in one of the inside pockets, his fingers brushing up my ribs. I shiver. He’s so close to me, and I have to hold my breath to avoid falling victim to his scent and the enchantment of his light touch.
“You should keep it on you at all times. Just in case.”
“Just in case of what? Do you think The Seraph would try something? You heard Michael. He’s giving us a chance.”
“It’s not Michael I’m worried about.”
“So you don’t think Legion purposely sent for the Horsemen? To stop him?”
His lips twitch into a smile. “That theory wouldn’t be farfetched, especially for him. Legion brings a whole new meaning to martyrdom.”
“But?”
“But he wouldn’t purposely kill thousands of innocents. And he wouldn’t do it if he knew he could never get back to you.”
I cast my gaze down to where Lucifer still grasps my jacket, his fingers fiddling with the zipper.
“He asked me to kill him. He was so adamant, so desperate. Whatever The Many are doing to him is killing him, and he just wants it to be over. He’s lost his will to fight.”
Lucifer nods and finally releases me, taking a step back. A grin graces his lips, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. It almost looks like it pains him.
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing you’re fighting hard enough for the both of you.”