Shame

SHAME WATCHED AS SHE turned away from him and went to go speak to the tall, lean blond who’d been watching them both with astute eyes. Shame was under no illusions as to who the man was.

He wasn’t from around here—nobody seemed to recognize him, and he had eyes for nobody but Charli.

Besides, Shawntelle had warned him.

Charli was bringing a date.

His first instinct was to pummel anybody who thought they could lay hands on his woman.

He’d throttled it down because he’d done some hard thinking over the past couple of months. He’d had a lot of time on his hands, between rounds of chemo, getting sick, forcing himself to eat and all the fucking talking he had to do with the shrink he was seeing.

Introspection and reflection was a bitch, but he’d done some shitty things to the entire Steele family, Charli in particular.

He’d always known she loved him.

Had always known she wanted him.

If he’d thought for a minute he deserved her...

No more thinking like that, he reminded himself, cutting off the thought. It was an instinctive thing, relegating himself to the trash pile of humanity, but the good doctor he visited twice a week right now kept telling him that how he saw himself would be reflected in the way he expected others to treat him and those he loved deserved better. When he hurt himself, he hurt them.

Some part of him had known that.

She turned back to him and he felt the impact of her gaze all the way to the pit of his soul. As she crossed the grass to stand in front of him, he had to fight the urge to close himself off. It was second nature when it came to her, and he had to rewrite all of that. He had to rewrite most of everything he knew about himself.

To be honest, just the thought of it was exhausting.

But she was worth it.

A life with her was worth it.

“Want to go for a drive?” she asked in a neutral voice.

“No.” He looked past her shoulder to study the house. “I want to go inside.”

Her lids flickered and she glanced back, her lips parting on a slight breath.

He half-expected her to refuse and if she did, they’d be going for that drive because he wouldn’t force it on her.

But she turned on her heel and started for the back door.

The crowd around them had closed in slightly, trying to listen without seeming to, and as Charli strode forward, they all hastily fell back, pretending to be lost in conversation.

His sister, he noticed, was talking to Charli’s would-be date.

Once inside the house, he gestured to the hall. “Want to see everything?”

She flicked him a sharp look. “How much did you change?”

“Not much. Just the things you said you wanted.”

She went to reply, then finally shook her head. “Not right now.” She turned on her heel and strode off down the hall, though, leaving him to follow her.

She was going to see some of the changes then, whether she wanted to or not.

He came across her standing in the doorway of the living room. It had been widened, opening the room more. The fireplace had been fixed, restored to its former glory.

The walls were once more the pale blue they’d been when they were kids, the color no longer faded. The carpet had been ripped up, replaced with smooth, polished wooden floors, heavy throw rugs dotting the space here and there.

The furniture was the same. He hadn’t wanted to replace any of that.

“How did you get all of this done in two months?”

“If you’re willing to pay the money, you can get just about anything done,” he said, shrugging. “I’ve got plenty of money. Never had much I wanted to spend it on. You know that.”

“You didn’t need to spend it on me,” she said, her voice hushed.

“I didn’t need to. I wanted to. And it wasn’t just on you.”

She turned to face him, head tipping back as she met his eyes. “Oh?”

“I told you once...this was the closest thing to home I’ve ever known.” It was time to lay it all out already, wasn’t it? Taking a step toward her, he said softly, “Give me a chance to be the man you think I am, Charli. Make a home with me. Make this our home.”

Her mouth fell opened.

“Just like that?” she asked, sputtering. “You don’t talk to me for weeks, you find out you have cancer and I have to listen to you talk about how you’re okay with dying and then after two months of me thinking that’s what you’re going to do, you want me to move in with you?”

“Why not?” He closed the distance between them, staring down at her. She watched him, her blue eyes full of confusion and doubt. “It’s what we both want.”

“You want it now.” Charli passed a hand over her face, looking confused. “How do I know you’ll want it tomorrow? A month from now? A year from now?”

“Because it was what I wanted yesterday. A month ago. A year ago. It’s what I’ve always wanted... I just didn’t think I deserved it.” He caught the hand she’d covered her eyes with and tugged it down. “You can’t understand the trash heap my head’s been, Charli. I’m not going to lie and promise I won’t ever be in the place I was a couple of months ago. And it’s not like I’m all the way out of that hole. Two months isn’t long enough to change everything. But I’ve had enough time to know I want to change everything. And even if I hit rock bottom again...I’m still going to want to fight, because I know what it feels like not to be there.”

Tears burned her eyes as she stared at him.

Daring to take a chance, he curved his hand over the back of her neck and brought her in close enough to press their brows together.

She didn’t pull away.

He still wasn’t certain of his reception so he didn’t do anything else, just stood there staring into her eyes.

“You going to give me a chance here, Charli?”

She breathed out a shaky sigh, then closed her eyes.

When she finally opened them, his heart skipped a few beats, then stopped. He couldn’t read anything in that impenetrable blue gaze. She curved a hand over his wrist and shook her head. “Sometimes, Shame, you make me want to beat my head against a wall. You know that?”

Then she threw her arms around his neck. “A part of me is telling me to run like hell and maybe I should listen. But since when did I ever do the smart thing when it came to you?”