Ethan

 

 

 

 

 

“I MAGINE ALL THE DUST,” I say.

“I haven’t even been to the house in like four years,” she says. “I had no idea they kept everything. I wasn’t there for very long when I did visit.”

“I’m surprised all my stuff wasn’t burned out in the back yard,” I say.

“Jesus, Ethan,” she says, “it’s not liked they despised you.”

“Pretty close.”

“I’m glad he let us borrow his truck,” she says.

“Yes,” I say. “My boyfriend is the bomb.”

“Most of the stuff we can put in my storage stall. I don’t know what we’ll possibly want.”

“Is mom going to be there?”

“She’s not right now,” she says, “but she’ll be there later.”

“Okay,” I say.

“You look like you’ve slept since the funeral.”

“I have,” I say. “It was just a lot all at once to take in and I’m just now processing it all.”

“Cody didn’t seem bothered by the whole Rick thing like I figured he would be.”

“He’s more concerned about me than anything else,” I say. “Which scares me also. He doesn’t realize how crazy this fucker is. I’m never going to forgive myself if something happens to him.”

“They’ll catch him,” she says. “His face is out there now.”

“But they haven’t caught him yet. That’s what scares me. I’m not even worried about myself, it’s Cody.”

“I’ve been keeping tabs on him for years,” she says. I look at her and raise my eyebrows. “I wanted to see what he was doing and make sure he was away from you. He left the city soon after you got out of there, so I didn’t think he’d ever come back.”

“Well,” I say, “he is. Oh well. I always knew I would see him again. I just hope I see him before he sees Cody again.”

 

***

 

 “Jesus,” I say as we walk in the front door, “this is spooky.” The house is completely still as we stand in the middle of the hallway next to the staircase. I close my eyes and memories start flooding my brain of Christmases and birthdays; smaller things like the first time I learned to ride a bike right here down this hallway and falling into the wall, but laughing because it was fun.

“They haven’t changed anything, really,” Hadley says, running her hand along the wall.

“The carpet is different.”

“No it isn’t,” she says. “Look, you can still see the small paint stain from where we were getting ready for our sixteenth birthday party.”

“Oh yeah,” I say, laughing. “Mom was so pissed about that. She didn’t talk to us for days after the party.”

We make our way into the living room and I lean against the side of the entranceway, crossing my arms.

“Dad’s chair,” she says, pointing to the black leather recliner that they’ve had since we were in high school.

“You can tell he was anal about it,” I say. “It still looks like new. Probably just took the plastic off over the last few years.”

“I remember laying on my stomach in front of the TV,” she says, walking across the floor. “Me and dad would watch football while you would sit in the kitchen with mom and play with your old computers and shit.”

“I never liked sports,” I say. “He always hated that.”

“I was the son he never had just like you were the daughter mom never had.”

“I can’t believe they still have all these pictures hanging up.”

The hallway, from the front door to the kitchen, is filled with pictures from over the years when we were younger; all the family vacations and school pictures on display for everyone to marvel over.

“I wonder what they say when people come over and ask about us,” I say. “Me specifically. Like, do they say, ‘oh he’s in Chicago doing great things’, or do they say, ‘oh he’s in Chicago being gay and a disappointment to us’.”

“Ethan,” she says, “dad’s gone. You don’t have to be a dick anymore.”

“I’m the dick,” I say. “Right.”

“Right now you’re being one,” she says. “We’re here to sort through memories, not relive one specific one that was terrible.”

“Fine,” I say, making my way up the staircase. “I’m sorry.”

I walk into my old bedroom and it really is exactly how I left it. Photographs that I took in high school and had blown up are still on the wall along with my Lord of the Rings poster and Justin Timberlake poster that my parents thought I had up because I loved his music; which I did, but I also wanted his dick, obviously.

I sit on the edge of the bed and then lie back onto the bed.

I remember walking through my bedroom door on the day I graduated and sitting here on the edge of the bed. I looked at the wall and tried to process what had happened.  I snapped out of it and realized I had to get out of here before my parents and Hadley got back. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew that I had to get out of this house.

I get off the bed and get down on my knees beside the nightstand. I smile when I see the shoebox under my bed full of pictures. Inside are pictures of me and old friends of mine from high school, who I no longer talk to anymore. Seeing myself as a kid is amazing because of my lack of style and the haircuts I chose to have throughout the years.

“Find anything good?” Hadley asks me as she leans against the doorframe.

I lift up a picture of us from freshman year in high school and she walks over and grabs it from me.

“Jesus,” she says, smiling. She hands me back the picture and picks up some of the ones I’ve already went through. “Adam Cyrus, huh? I had no idea has was gay.”

“I don’t think he knew, either,” I say, laughing. “To be honest, I think he’s married now and has a couple of kids. I’m sure his wife is just as happy as could be.”

“These are worth keeping,” she says.

“Definitely,” I say. “What about your stuff?”

“I’m going right now,” she says, getting off the bed.

I put the shoebox on the bed and put my hands on my hips, deciding what to look at next.

“Hey,” I hear mom say behind me.

“Hey,” I say.

“You guys been here long?”

“A half hour probably.”

“Hadley in her room?” she says.

“Yeah.”

“Are you doing OK?”

“I’m fine,” I say. “It’s nice seeing some of this stuff again.”

“I didn’t figure you’d want stuff like the posters or your old clothes, but stuff like the pictures and your old books and stuff, I thought you would. I have something for you before you guys leave. Don’t let me forget.”

 

***

 

 “So,” mom says at the table, “I have something to talk to you two about.”

“What’s up?” Hadley says.

“Your dad’s will,” she says. “He made one before he died and he split a lot of things evenly between the two of you.”

I don’t say anything when she looks over at me and I look over at Hadley who shrugs her shoulders.

“No offence, mom,” I say, “but what did he have except for the house and money? He didn’t exactly have hobbies.”

“We bought a little vacation home by the beach a few years ago down in North Carolina. I have no interest in going again and your dad knew this, so he gave you two shared ownership of the house.”

My eyes grow wide as I look over at Hadley and she says, “What else?”

“Your dad’s old Camaro,” she says. Hadley’s eyes light up and mom says, “He gave that to you, Hadley.”

“You’ve always wanted it anyway,” I say to her.

“Your dad has collected coins since he was a kid.”

“Really?” I ask her.

She nods and says, “It’s in the big safe. He wants you to have the whole collection, Ethan.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” she says. “It’s worth thousands, but I don’t think that’s why he gave it to you. He also wrote to have a fourth of his savings given to each of you.”

She passes over a check to each of us and my jaw drops as I look at the number of zeros on the check.

“Mom,” I say, “this is a lot of money.”

“Your dad was good with it,” she says. “He had investments I didn’t even know about. He never wanted me to go without. He was a good man, Ethan; despite his flaws in judgment.”

“Don’t you need this, though?” Hadley says.

“I have the other half,” she says. “Along with whatever I get from this house and all of the random stuff in it.”

“Have you sold the house yet?” I ask her.

“Not yet,” she says. “Some people are interested, but nothing finalized. I’m going to have an auction this weekend to get rid of the furniture and a lot of the random stuff. I don’t need any of it anymore. It just reminds me of him and I already have the memories that are important.”

She grabs both of our hands, smiles, and says, “I’m glad you guys are both here.”

 

***

 

 “I think we got everything we want,” Hadley says, shutting the tailgate of the truck.

“Thank you guys for coming up,” mom says, hugging Hadley and then me.

She slips a white envelope into my hands and I look up at her, confused.

“Read it when you get home,” she says. “I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you, too.”

I get in the truck and buckle my seat belt. I rest my hands on the steering wheel and start to wonder what’s in the envelope.

“Went in with nothing and left with a vacation home and a lot of fucking money,” Hadley says.

“And this,” I say, holding the envelope up.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “She said to read it when I got home. I don’t know. You ready?”

 

***

 

 “Please tell me that you have a baby book,” Cody says when I walk in the door. I laugh and set the shoebox full of photos on the table. He grabs my face on both sides and gently kisses me on the lips.

“No baby book,” I say, “but that shoebox is full of the young, closeted me.”

He grabs the shoebox and makes his way over to the couch while I reach in the fridge and get a bottle of water.

“Wow,” he says, as he shifts through the pictures, “your hair was—“

“Awful,” I say, “I know.”

“You were cute, though.”

“I know,” I say.

“But you’re cuter now.”

“I know,” I say, smiling. I sit down beside him and lay my head on his shoulder.

“Here’s a baby picture,” he says.

“Oh,” I say. “I didn’t think I had any of those to be honest. Hadley has a lot of the baby pictures from where she was wanting to do scrapbooks for them.”

“I’m going to have to get a hold of Hadley,” he says. “What’s that?”

He points to the envelope in my hand and I realize that I forgot I was even holding it.

“Mom gave it to me,” I say. I open it up and see that it’s a letter. “It’s a letter from my dad.” I look over at Cody and back at the letter. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” he says, nodding. “I’ll be here, in awe of your bad hair and cute dimples.”

I shut the bedroom door and sit on the edge of the bed, unfolding the letter and holding it out in front of me with both hands.

 

Ethan,

 

Words can’t express how bad I feel about the way our relationship is at this moment. I shouldn’t have to be on my deathbed to realize that losing my son was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was raised differently and my father always had a strong hate and disgust for gay men. The day you came out to us, I had a million different thoughts going through my head. Not one of those thoughts was that I should put my arm around you and congratulate you on realizing who you really are. I always knew you were different and, to be honest, the fact didn’t surprise me. I was confused and my thought process on it all was selfish, really. It should not have mattered how I felt about it because you are my son and your happiness should be the only thing that I needed to worry myself with. I know I won’t get to say it to you in person, but I just want you to know, I’m beyond proud of the person you have become. I’m glad that you were able to move on from what I did to you and the way I made you feel. I hope that one day, you can forgive me for it all and see that I was a stubborn man. You will always be the best part of my life and I’m sorry that I didn’t have the chance to tell you that in person. I love you more than you will ever be able to know.

Love, Dad

 

I let out a deep breath as tears start to fall from my eyes and onto the letter. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing as I stand up and make my way back out into the living room.

“What’s wrong?” Cody says. He stands up and walks over to me.

I look up into his eyes and say, “It’s hitting me: the regret of it all.”

I sit down on the couch and put the letter in the shoebox.

“Oh, shit,” I say. “I forgot to tell you. Along with this letter telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me, he also left me and Hadley their vacation house at the beach, and this.”

I hand him the check and his eyes grow wide as he quickly hands it back to me and scratches his head.

“That’s…a lot of money,” he says, laughing. “Like, holy shit, that’s a lot of money.”

“Enough to take a very long vacation.”

“You deserve one,” he says.

“We deserve one.” I get off the couch and walk over to him. “After Elliot and Will’s wedding, we’ll go somewhere for a little bit. Get away from everything going on here and my psycho ex. Lots of alone time and lots of drinks and lots of sex.”

“That sounds perfect,” he says, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “We’re gonna be OK, Ethan.”

“I know,” I say.