Ethan

 

 

 

 

 

T HE PLATE SMASHES AGAINST THE wall, and a piece of the ceramic cuts my ear, as it just misses my head.

“I saw you looking at him, Ethan,” Rick says to me.

“I swear to God I—“

“Don’t lie to me. Unless you want another plate thrown, don’t you fucking lie to me! I won’t miss this time.”

“Rick,” I say, “he was our waiter.”

“I don’t know why you feel the need to make me this way,” he says, laughing. “You stupid fucking son of a bitch. I’ve done so much for you and you continue to treat me this way.”

I make my way over to him and he still has a grin on his face. I grab his left hand and he punches me in the jaw with his right. I fall back against the table and my head slams into the side of it. My vision starts going black and the pain slowly goes away, as I realize that this is it, this is where I die.

My vision slowly comes back, and the pain with it, and I see Rick walking back and forth in our living room. The grin is gone and he’s crying now. His hands are balled into fists, and he’s shaking, as I slowly make my way onto my feet. As I make my way towards him, he storms down the hallway and I stop.

I hear the bedroom door open and freeze to listen to what he is doing. Minutes pass and I slowly make my way towards the hallway. As I get to the edge of the wall, Rick comes out of the room with a pistol in his hand. I freeze, searching in my head for what to do now, and I watch him as he slowly looks up at me. His face is emotionless and all I can see is the hollow, soulless body of a man.

“Rick,” I plead, slowly backing away from him, “listen to me. You—“

“I can’t do it anymore, Ethan,” he says. “You keep doing this and keep doing this and you are never going to change.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I scream. “Will you just listen to me?”

He storms over to me and grabs the back of my neck, pulling my head back in the process. The pain surges through my body again and tears start streaming down my face, onto my shirt, as I start processing everything that is going on.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Rick!” I scream again. “Rick! Stop! Rick listen to—“

“Goodbye, Ethan.”

“Rick, I—“

BANG!

 

***

 

I sit up drenched in sweat and rapidly look around the room, as I realize that I’m no longer in the nightmare and everything is ok. I look down at Cody and he’s sound asleep with his hand rested behind his head.

I slowly swing my legs off the bed and run my fingers through my hair, as I try to calm myself down and breathe normally. I get off the bed and make my way to the kitchen. I get myself a glass of water and lean against the counter by the sink, rubbing my temples and trying to forget what just happened.

The nightmares have started up again and I don’t know why. It took me a year of therapy and countless medications to get past what Rick did to me, and it’s all slowly coming back in waves; night after night the same dream.

The first night I had one again was a little over a month after I had met Cody. I had hoped the first night he stayed over that I wouldn’t have one, and that everything would be OK, but I woke up bawling and he had no idea what was going on or what to do. Most nights I come out to the living room and watch TV because it’s the only way I’m able to get back to sleep anymore. They’ve, progressively, gotten worse as the days go on, and I’m starting to wonder if they’re ever going to go away.

Cody will know it happened again in the morning when he sees me on the couch, and he’ll ask me about it, but he won’t push because he knows it will upset me.

I make my way to the couch and grab the remote off the coffee table. The noise of the TV helps me drain out the thoughts in my head and keeps me focused on what’s going on right now. Nothing is on this late at night, so I leave it on the channel it was on last and turn on my side towards the inside of the couch. The couch feels cool against my skin as I shove my hand into it and rest it on the metal bar beneath.

I can’t keep having this happen. The nightmares are becoming more frequent, and more vicious, as time goes on and it’s beginning to affect the way my day goes.

I just tell Cody that I have bad night terrors, but he knows there is a lot more going on than I let on. He knows that Rick was a bad guy, but he doesn’t know a forth of the things that were done to me.

To be quite honest, I’m terrified to tell him because I don’t know what he’ll think of me once I do. Would he be surprised that I could let something like that happen to myself? Would he be shocked that I stayed in a relationship like that? Would he even want to be with me after he realized just how damaged I really am?

 

***

 

“What was this one about?” Cody asks me the next morning.

He makes his way down the hallway, towards the living room, and sits down next to me on the couch. He wraps his arm around me and lays his head on mine as I nuzzle into his shoulder. I rub my hand up and down his arm, and a rush of relief goes through me as a feeling of security and safety takes over the, overwhelming, thoughts of fear and despair.

“Someone tried to shoot me,” I say. “The gun went off and I woke up. Same dream I have off and on.”

“You still going to breakfast with your sister?”

“Yeah,” I say yawning. “I need to go shower, but I don’t want to get up just yet.”

“I’ll go to the gym while you’re with her,” he says.

I smile and say, “Good. Have to keep those arms nice and thick for me.”

“You sure you’re OK?”

“Yes, Cody,” I say, getting up and turning the light off next to the couch.

“It’s the third night this week is why I ask. I’m just worried about you.”

“I can handle it,” I say, leaning my head down towards his and planting a kiss on his mouth.

I make my way to the kitchen and get another glass of water. Cody has been working the night shift all week, so having to sleep alone every night, except for the last one, hasn’t been helping things any.

“You’re done with nights now, right?” I ask him.

He gets off the couch and says, “Day shift from here on out. They have some new people starting this week.”

Cody leans against the refrigerator and looks over at me.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he says. “Just taking it all in.”

“My bed-hair and cracked lips?”

“Yes,” he says, smiling.

“You really picked yourself a winner with me,” I say, setting the glass down into the sink.

I feel his arms wrap around my waist and he kisses the side of my neck. I turn around and look up into his eyes, and then look down at the floor.

“I know I’m a lot,” I say.

“Hey,” he says, lifting my chin up, “how about we go take that shower?”

 

***

 

 “Another one, Ethan?” Hadley says, crossing her arms. “Maybe you should go see someone about this. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

“I’m fine,” I say. “Cody relieved a lot of stress this morning in the shower, so I’m preeeetty good.”

Shower sex with Cody did relieve a lot of stress, but she’s right, I need to get help if this doesn’t start getting better. I’ve let it go on too long as it is. I look like I haven’t slept in weeks because I haven’t slept in months. Cody is the only one who knows how frequent they are.

“I talked to Elliot last night,” she says. “Him and Will are officially coming back at the end of September.”

“He mention anything about the wedding?”

“They haven’t planned anything for it,” she says. “He’s been really busy with everything going on, and Will’s been doing a lot of volunteer work over there in his spare time.”

“Well,” I say, leaning back in my chair, “I’m glad he’s coming back. I miss him.”

“Me too, baby brother.”

“I don’t know why you say that.”

“What?”

“Baby brother,” I say. “We are twins, bitch. You were born a few minutes before I was.”

“Therefore, I’m older.”

“You’re stupid.”

“How’s Cody?” she says.

“Good,” I say. “He’s finally done working nights, so that’s nice.”

“He still think you just have night terrors or whatever you told him?”

“I don’t know what else to tell him,” I say. “I’m just not ready to talk about Rick yet. It’s a lot to talk about, and I just don’t want to overwhelm him with it all. The fact that he even wants to be with me now just blows my mind.”

“Ethan,” she says, “there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.”

I look over to a family of four, out for breakfast on this beautiful Sunday morning, and wonder what all things have happened to the parents at the table in their lifetime. I wonder if either of them has ever had something bad happen to where they wanted to give up, and if either one of them has ever wondered if love was even a possibility anymore after all the crazy shit that has happened to them.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to want kids because the thought of them going through even a smidge of what I did terrifies me and makes me not want to even contemplate the idea.

“In the back of my mind,” I say, “I know that he is out there. I know he’s wondering what I’m doing and who I’m with.”

“He can’t get to you anymore,” she says.

“Why not? There’s nothing stopping him.”

She doesn’t say anything and pushes her plate to the side. I look out the diner window and wonder if he’s out there right now, watching me and following my every move. I wonder if he knows where I live and if he knows that Cody is in my life now. I wonder when the day will come that I see him again and he finishes what he started.

“If you want to sit around all day and think about shit like that then that’s your choice. You have reasons to be happy now, so I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to focus on those things instead. I have no doubt that Cody loves you, but no one wants to be with someone that is a walking magnet for anxiety. Besides, I’m sure Rick has better things to do then come back and hurt you again.”

“Did you look into going back to school?”

“Yeah,” she says, leaning on her elbow. “I’m starting in the spring instead of the fall. It won’t take too long.”

“How’s desk duty?”

“Fine,” she says. “I’m not as stressed. They understood my reasons for stepping down. It’s just hard to move on from it all I guess. I’ve been doing it for so long.”

“Cody told me he saw you the other night at the hospital,” I say.

“I was interviewing someone about something and he happened to be the nurse on duty. He told me you were having nightmares again, but I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if you had told him why or not yet.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“Are you and Sam still going away next weekend?”

“Yes,” I say. “We’ve had these tickets since April and I’m creaming in my jeans the closer we get to it.”

“I really don’t get why you like them so much.”

“They are amazing, Hadley,” I say. “It’s not my fault you have shitty taste in music.”

“Swiftly Solamen is also the stupidest name I’ve ever heard,” she says.

I lay my hands on the table and say, “You’re just jealous.”

“Yes, Ethan,” she says. “You got me.”

“I know,” I say. “You could’ve came with us, so don’t be all eh because you don’t get to go now.”

“You sure you’re OK?”

“Yes,” I say, running my hands through my hair. “I just need to get my mind off of it. Maybe I really should go see someone about it. I just hate talking about everything.”

“I just don’t understand why they started happening again after you met Cody. I mean, you’d think they would’ve stayed gone since you found someone new.”

“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe developing feelings for Cody made it resurface.”

Breaking down a layer of the protection that I’ve put on myself since Rick hasn’t been easy on me. When I met Cody, I knew I had to at least try again because I don’t want to be alone forever. I love Cody, and he knows that, but I’m not a hundred percent sure if he believes that I really do love him.

“Maybe if you actually did talk to him about it all, it would make things better.”

“Maybe,” I say. I stretch my arms back, yawn and lay my forehead on the table.

“Don’t let this ruin things,” she says.

I look up at her and cock my head to the side.

“I’m just saying,” she says. “Cody is an amazing guy. He is exactly what you need in your life. Don’t let this get out of control and jeopardize your progress with him.”

 

***

 

 “What about this?” Hadley says, holding up the dress to me. It’s black lace, with an open back, and a cut above the knee.

“Who’s dick are you trying to get with that?”

She puts it back on the rack and says, “Just this guy I’ve been talking to.”

“What’s this ones name?”

“Mark,” she says.

“You know,” I say, “Cody’s best friend, Ian, is straight. He’s also preeetty hot. I’m sure he’d stick his dick in you.”

“I’m not just looking for a quick fuck, baby brother.”

I glare at her and focus back on the dresses.

I pick another lacey one off the rack and show it to her, and she says, “No.”

“I don’t think he is the quick-fucking type, honestly. He’s a nice guy.”

“What does he do?”

“He owns the gym that Cody goes too,” I say. “His dad left him a big inheritance when he died and he put it all into the business.”

“So,” she says, “he’s pretty jacked, I’m guessing.”

“He’s not as big as Cody,” I say, laughing, “but he’s pretty well built; more toned than muscular.”

“I’ve never been a huge fan of a lot of muscles,” she says.

I walk over to the next isle of dresses, that aren’t lacey, and say, “Once you’re with someone with a lot of muscles, you rarely want someone without them. So, who is this guy?”

“I met him way back when I had dinner with Elliot and Will one night.”

“The marine guy?”

“Yeah,” she says. “He was visiting town then and he’s back in town, so—“

“So you want him to revisit your pussy?”

“Basically,” she says.

“But you don’t just want a quick screw, either? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m complicated,” she says.

“What about this?” I say. I hold up a purple dress that actually goes past the knee and covers her cleavage a good bit. “It doesn’t scream I’m-a-whore which is good.”

“I like it,” she says, grabbing it out of my hand. “How old is this Ian guy?”

I look at her and smile and say, “Our age.”

I pull out my phone and bring up a picture of him and Cody. I hand her the phone and she says, “Wow.”

She hands me back the phone and continues walking towards the register.

I raise my eyebrows at her and say, “Wow, what?”

“He’s nice to look at. He looks like a player, though.”

“He really isn’t,” I say.

“Maybe he’s gay,” she says.

“I think if he was then him and Cody would be a lot closer than they are now,” I say.

“Well,” she says, throwing the dress onto the counter, “maybe I’ll look into it.”

“OK, detective.”