Mistakes always take their toll, and I have to pay big if I want to fix last night's wreckage.

It's almost lunch before I've decided what to say. I'm ready for my evening off, wrapping up my last marketing campaign when I call her. The phone's ring echoes in my ear. I've already decided to swallow my pride for the next two minutes so her second thoughts don't fuck me over.

Click. “Maddie?” I say her name, expecting the silent treatment.

It's her voice, but there's no anger. No, wait.

What the fuck? She says something in Chinese I have no hope of understanding, and then switches to English.

“...you heard me, and you've come to the right place. That's Mandarin for 'sorry I can't come to the phone.' Wait for the tone and I'll call you back!” Voicemail. I should've known.

“Doll, look, about last night...I'm sorry. I got carried away, and I know it. I meant to reinforce boundaries, and I went at it a stupid way. Won't happen again. I'm coming home soon, hoping you're ready for tonight. Give me a chance this weekend, and I'll find some way to make it up to you. Promise.”

Promise? I wonder who's saying these words.

Cal Randolph never apologized to any woman for flaunting his package. Hell, I've left repeat fucks in tears over the years, the long chain of club girls and phone dates I've had trying to bleach her from my head.

Sure, she left her mark on me, even in prison and the hell that followed.

Fuck no, I'm not a monk.

I've had my women, hand-picked honeys looking at me with their big doe eyes and all too eager lips night after night. Bedding them never took Maddie too far from my brain, but a casual fuck does momentarily calm the lust beating in my balls like an incessant war drum.

These women were basic bread, my sustenance, plain and fuckable enough to silence the feral urges running in my blood. To them, I was an Olympian god. Rare, perfect, untouchable. I gave them one night with me in heaven.

Surprise, surprise, they always wanted more.

I never did. Stopped doing repeats three or four years ago, whenever the first few chicks laid the drama on thick after they got my dick inside them for two or three nights, instead of the usual one.

They thought sharing my bed more than once meant something. They were dead wrong, and they always wanted to leave damage when they figured it out.

Word gets around in this town fast, especially when Cade, Spence, and the rest of the single boys at the firm poach pussy from the same downtown hunting grounds.

It's incredible how boring the high class bar scene becomes with each passing year.

True, it could be stress clouding my head, this single-minded focus I have on restoring my name and preserving everything I've built over the last five years on the backs of sixteen hour days. I won't be cock blocked by any girl with what I'm really after. Without my chance at dragging RET into this century, outshining dad's dimming star, I've got nothing.

I know what's important.

I don't have time to chase meaningless pussy, and I definitely don't apologize to the ones I've scorned.

Why, then, is there a black ache I don't recognize in my gut when I think about Maddie?

It's because she isn't any old lay. Nothing casual ever left the hole in my life saving her did. She's my fiancée on paper, and it sends me into an annoyed fugue when I stop, think, and recognize the wicked hold she already has over my soul.

* * *

“Doll?” I call her nickname, pushing into my condo.

Predictably, she's nowhere to be found. I start heading for the bedroom when I come to an abrupt stop. Standing in the hall, decked in her dick-teasing jade green, black heels, and gold accents, she looks at me without moving, her suitcase at her side.

“Where do you think you're going?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. A nasty doubt in the pit of my stomach tells me I shouldn't ask questions with obvious answers.

“That depends. I got your message. It kept me from leaving the letter I wrote on your kitchen counter, and heading straight for the airport. So, congratulations on keeping me here a few more hours, I guess.”

“Shit, you can't just up and go,,” I take several steps toward her, but she throws out her hands, telling me I'd better not come closer. “Maddie, please. Everything I said on the phone, I meant. I'm about making this work.”

“Serious enough to start treating me like a woman who's supposedly in love with you, and looking forward to our wedding day?” She narrows the gap between us until we're only inches apart.

So close it's easy to see the anguish and disappointment in her eyes.

What the fuck did you do? I wonder. It isn't fair.

I never meant to hurt her. How the hell did I know treating her the only way I know would cut so deep? She doesn't need an apology. She needs me to rip my heart out, and admit I did wrong.

“Doll, listen –“

“No, you listen to me for a change, Calvin. I'm trying to help you, and I'm giving up a lot to pay you back. I want to do right for everything you gave me years ago. But you're making that so freaking hard. Let's step back. Put any feelings aside for a minute, and see what this really is: a glorified quid pro quo. Nothing more. Do you know what that means?”

“Of course.” I pretend it's obvious.

“It's spelled out in the paperwork we signed. I'm not your accessory. I'm not your sex toy. And I am most certainly not the next notch in your million dollar bedpost.” She lays a hand on my chest, tapping my collar with her pointer finger. I don't even recognize her anymore.

Where the hell is my shy, sultry girl with the quiet spark in her dark eyes? She's gone, replaced by this wildcat who wants my balls on a silver platter. “Do you remember the months at Maynard, before everything got ugly? You were desperate to get my attention. I ignored you as much as I could. Swore I'd never admit to the stupid little crush we shared, knowing it would be the end of us.”

“End? Love, it might've been the beginning, if things hadn't gotten so fucked up.”

My words give her pause. I'm just as shocked at what's exiting my mouth.

I'm annoyed this little heart-to-heart has bled into the abandoned places, awakening things I want to keep buried. Maddie's hand slides off me. She backs against the wall, and sighs, averting her eyes.

“Stop toying with me. I'm done riding this emotional seesaw,” she says, angrily flicking her dark hair over her shoulder. “Let me do the job you brought me here for. That's it. I'll be whatever you want in public, as long as you're giving me respect.”

Her curt, business-like words ought to be music to my ears.

Yet, somehow, I can't shake the unease in my bones when I lean in, study her sad face, and see the number my antics did on her. “Doesn't have to be all work and no fun, doll.”

“We're not having sex. Even if you weren't totally right about me last night, I'm not interested. We're not really a couple. I'm a paper fiancée, remember? Do what you want without me. I won't hold it against you if there's a need to go out, have your fun, and come home like it never happened. Just don't do it in front of my face.”

She thinks I want...what, exactly? A goddamned hall pass to get my rocks off with whoever?

“Shit, Maddie, it isn't like that. I wasn't asking for...” I stop, swallowing a lie I didn't know I was about to tell her until now. If there wasn't something very sexual happening subconsciously, I wouldn't need to struggle to keep my eyes from roaming her body like a lion's on its prey. “Fine. No sex. To be fair, we were on the same page yesterday. We knew it's a bad idea, even though I made my point in a fucked up way.”

“You did. At least there's one thing we agree on,” she says, turning her eyes to the floor. “I wish it weren't like this. I'd love this to be easier. I don't know what to do with you, Cal.”

“You're not perfect. You worry too much. Look at me,” I say, coming forward, slapping my palms down on both sides of her head against the wall. I box her in until she gives me those hazel eyes that seem to go on forever. “I've lived a fucked up life since our high school days. That's no excuse for last night. I hear you, doll. I really do. I'm listening, and I'm sorry. Can't we press reset?”

Maddie's eyes soften slowly. She breaks eye contact to glance at the suitcase just a couple feet away. “Let me put this away, and then I'll be ready to go.”

My sad apology works. Thank fuck because I don't have another second of therapy hour left in me.

“Tell me what will make this square first,” I say. “Believe it or not, I want to do this right. No more fuck ups. I'm grateful for what you're doing, sidestepping your own life to repair mine.”

For a second, she pauses, teething her bottom lip in thought. It's sexier than she intends, drawing my eyes like bees on honey. Another temptation I don't need, threatening to blow everything I've just fixed to kingdom come.

“Treat me like a lady, for one. Prove you're serious about everything you just said. After this dinner, I want a night out. Not just because I'm looking to be wined and dined in a way I can never afford – and honestly, maybe part of me does, simply because I'm all about new experiences.”

“Done.” I smile, nodding. Typical Maddie, chasing bucket lists instead of wealth and prestige for their own sake.

“Well, I'm not. I'm also asking because it's still insanely difficult to keep up this charade, and we're only a week in.” She walks past me, picks up her bag by the handle, and looks over her shoulder. “I'm going to mess this up if I don't believe we're in love. Nobody will buy it. And honestly, Cal, I can't believe it enough to lie well unless you're able to treat me like a normal girlfriend for one stupid night, instead of a free ticket to get your dick wet. If you want that, do it without me, I don't care. I'm happy to let you have your hall pass with whoever, if hall passes are even a thing in a fake relationship.”

My eyebrows go up. She turns, rolling the suitcase back to her room, before I'm able to see more than a hint of the cherry red blossoms blazing on her cheeks.

They're several shades hotter than the new half a million dollar decoration I won at the auction. I watch her walk by the vase, and I remember her dress lined with roses on white, a style I'll always associate with tragedy.

But she isn't that girl anymore, and I'm not the scared, angry kid who let a pissing contest over her go much too far.

This is a whole new game, dealing with this strange woman, who looks like my doll with a freshly sharpened tongue.

The old Maddie never would've so much as gotten the d-word out of her mouth. The new one leaves me standing against the wall, a new hard-on raging in my trousers, forcing me to think how good it'd be to put every fucking inch down her throat.

Everything just got harder, including this fake engagement.

Proving I'm a man of my word and taking her out on a date without putting the emergency magnum condom in my pocket to good use? That's guaranteed to be harder still, like chewing gravel, which just might be the only thing with any chance at getting my mind off fucking Maddie's newfound sass straight out of her.

* * *

I was wrong about the gravel.

Dinner at the long table in the elegant board room situated at the very top of the RET tower reminds me there are nastier things in this world able to smother my libido than breaking rock with my teeth.

Wilford Zephmyer, for one, the board's current President. The old, bloated bastard can't keep his eyes off my wife. I should just be thankful he approves with his quiet, hungry stare, but a possessive part of me wants to grab his long grey beard and manually twist his head, point his greedy eyes elsewhere.

Maddie barely notices herself. Probably for the best. She's busy making the rounds, talking to the wives and handful of women in our firm's upper echelon.

“Cal, how is our Thomas doing? Barely hear from him anymore.” I turn around and see Stefan, Cade's old man, looking like a retired professor in his tweed suit. He speaks with the faint foreign accent he never lost after leaving Iceland in his early teens. He's also our senior partner in marketing, and effectively my boss.

“Hanging in there,” I say, about the only words that keep me from biting my tongue when I have to mention my dying father. “Have you met my lovely fiancée yet?”

I wave my hand, catching Maddie's attention. She pulls herself away from Mrs. Bruninks and trots over, extending a friendly hand to the older gentleman.

“Maddie, meet Stefan Turnbladt. Friend, boss, and senior partner.”

“Lucky dog,” Stefan mutters under his breath, smiling at my woman. “Wherever did you find her?”

Maddie and I share a look. We haven't decided if we're sticking to the Beijing story we used at the auction last week, or telling them the honest truth. I stay quiet, letting her decide.

“Old friends, actually. We both went to Maynard and kept in touch,” she says, searching for my approval with her eyes. “A few love letters later – or emails, I guess – and here we are.”

“Ah, yes, the Maynard days,” Stefan says darkly. He's careful to avoid the sensitive landmine that could easily blow me up before I've gotten anywhere. I appreciate him always being good about that. “Did you know my Cade?”

She shrugs, shaking her head. “Saw him around a lot. Mostly when he hung out with Cal. We never interacted much.”

She's right, thank God. The only thing worse than the bomb blowing a hole in my life would've been watching it tear through Cade and Spence, too.

“It's a sincere pleasure. Calvin, we'll catch up later. I'd like to find my seat and text Joe again. His naps, you know, always makes him late.” Before Stefan walks away, I smile and nod, knowing how Spencer's father can be. The two founding men left standing do the big picture stuff when they have to, but they're both nearing retirement more with each passing month.

“Pssst. How do you think it's going?” Maddie leans over, whispering in my ear.

“Too early to say. Just keep showing off your pretty smile and let them do the talking,” I tell her, running my fingers through hers, and then closing my hand around them tight.

I'm about to pull out her chair when a high, shrill voice explodes behind us. “Madeline Middleton! It's been far too long.”

“Oh my God!” Maddie sings her prayer in disbelief.

“And how are you, my dear? Immersion paying hefty dividends in China, I hear?”

By the time I whip my neck around, my woman's laughing, embracing Mrs. Anders. Maddie talks a mile a minute, all about her job doing deals in three languages, teleporting the three of us back to the days we shared the same German class together.

The sixty year old woman with her cinnamon bun hair is the board's newest permanent voting member, inheriting it from her husband who passed away last year.

She also knows exactly who I am and hates my fucking guts. Easy, when she knew me first as the arrogant, self-absorbed little shit I used to be at the academy because she taught there.

It takes forever waiting for the two women to peel away from each other. When Maddie steps back into my arms, the widow's smile wilts. “Hello, Calvin. I heard we were honoring your engagement tonight, but it's rather shocking to find out it's to one of my best pupils.”

“Guilty as charged, Mrs. Anders. I love surprises.” The old woman isn't amused, her lips curled in a permanent frown. “Excuse me. Think I'll fetch some drinks and let you two catch up for a few more minutes.” I have to get the hell away. Seeing the disgusted look on her face isn't doing any favors for my short fuse. It's all too likely to ignite the words sticking in my throat, everything I've wanted to say to the old bat since she wound up installed on the board last year.

What's your fucking problem, ma'am?

What did I ever do to you?

It wasn't my fault, you know. I didn't have a choice.

There's a makeshift bar set up in the corner. I order a scotch, dry, and say a few words to Wilford about our new crypto-currency investing ventures. It's bound to make a lot of people a shit ton of money in a few years, or else it'll be the biggest bust of all time. I do love a calculated gamble.

While the old man prattles on, my ears are tuned to the conversation going on behind us, the one carried on Mrs. Anders' low sing-song disappointment.

“How, if I may ask, did you ever end up with him? Forgive me, dear, but after everything that happened...”

“I stood by Cal when he got into trouble, Mrs. Anders. I'm happy I did. There's a wonderful man with a big heart behind the rumors. I'd hate to think where I'd be today without him. You should've seen how kind and supportive he was when my company sent me overseas. Literal angel. I couldn't ask for a better man if I tried.”

“No, but perhaps a boy without a criminal blot on his record?”

Silence.

My fingers pinch the glass in my hand so fucking hard I think it'll crack. Good thing Wilford has shuffled back to his seat, giving me some privacy. Just in time for the waiters to start making the rounds with shrimp and sashimi appetizers.

“I wish you'd open your mind, ma'am. Give him a second chance,” Maddie whispers, so low and sad I'm just able to hear her. “You were there after the incident happened, just like me. I get why it's made so many people uncomfortable. But there's more to this man than a horrible mistake. I've never been more sure. I love him, and I'll never stop believing there'll be a day when the rest of the world sees the same person who's stolen my heart.”

Mrs. Anders sighs. “Love is a fickle thing, I'll grant you. Calvin is a competent employee, at least. If he weren't, I might have insisted the company take other measures after I first saw his name on the marketing department's roster. I'm thankful you're happy. It's been a pleasure seeing you again.”

Is this shit over?

Turning, I look their way. The older woman nods, giving my girl one last uneasy smile before finding her seat. My gaze keeps returning to the hateful crone as I find mine, waiting for my pretend love to join me.

Normally, when she attends other meetings, Mrs. Anders can't stop gossiping with anybody next to her. This time, she's quiet, studying the ice in her cocktail, like everything Maddie said actually got through her defenses.

Maddie lays her head on my shoulder while we wait for our order, and smiles. “It's so good to see her again. Whether you're on the best terms or not, I like being in touch with the past. It grounds me.”

I pause before answering. “Heard everything you said, doll. Very heartfelt. You're not as terrible an actress as you think.”

Underneath the table, her hand brushes mine. There's nothing pretend about the way I take her wrist, close my hand around it, and hold it against her thigh.

Yes, for once in my adult life, I'm fucking satisfied. Someone stuck up for me, went above and beyond when they didn't have to. Hasn't happened since John exited this hellish world.

Mrs. Anders is the biggest holdout on the board. After today, there's a chance it could change.

How do I thank Maddie for laying on the sugar where it counts? The needy current electrifying my blood has a few ideas. But I can't exactly shove her hand aside, run mine down her thigh, and squeeze with a promise of what's coming later without demolishing our new understanding.

I'll live. And that tells me something much scarier: there's a chance we'll get through this and make progress without missing her hand on my cock.

* * *

We're five or ten minutes from our dessert wine and the decadent chocolate ganache RET's chef has whipped up. It's time to close this deal.

“Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to say a few words,” I say loudly, giving Maddie's hand one last squeeze before I stand. Lifting my fresh drink, I look over the two dozen ballers in the room and smile. “I've never had it easy, and it's pointless to go into why. I'm not here to make excuses. I came out tonight, to thank you for your patience, your kindness, and your generosity over the years. You've been mentors, many like extended family to me, even the ones I've had my disagreements with.” I'm careful to avoid Mrs. Anders, but I see her in my peripheral vision, her eyes fixed on mine like she's just waiting for me to slip.

“Come on, Cal! No need to sugarcoat it for us.” A very drunken Joseph Emerson laughs, elbowing Stefan. Right this second, I wish he had more in common with Spence. His son knows how to handle his liquor like a champ in public.

Forcing a smile, I point to him, pushing my free hand into Maddie's. “All right, all right, patience has never been this firm's virtue anyway, right? Eighty percent of the reason I'm here tonight is thanks to this lovely lady. Maddie Middleton, soon to be the next Mrs. Randolph.”

I tug on her arm, signaling her to stand. Several people slap their drunken hands together. I wait for the applause to continue before I stroke their heartstrings one more time.

“We've had our ups and downs. Every last person in this room, including yours truly. There'll be more ahead with this girl hanging off my shoulder, too, no doubt. Marriage isn't meant to be as easy as pulling money from thin air.” I wink, and the seniors laugh at the reminder how much money I made for this biz in the last two years. “Still, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This woman's the best thing that's happened to me in years. I know she always will be. Most of you know about my father.

I lower my voice. “He gave his life to this firm. He won't be with us much longer, I'm sorry to say, but rest assured he wanted the absolute best for every person at this table. Whatever happens next, know I'll be trying my damnedest to continue to his legacy. So, one last time, thank you, beautiful people. Thank you for your faith, your open minds, and your everlasting support at my worst. Maddie, I love you like I didn't know I could. While I make these guys and gals a whole lot richer in the years to come, let me make a special pledge to you.”

The room goes quiet. The tense, adoring looks from everyone around us threatens my focus, makes it hard to stare into the beaming, melting pools spreading through her eyes.

Christ, I've branded this speech into my brain since morning. I can't fathom why the last words are so hard to get out.

Oh, but fuck, they are. Like dislodging a tumor in my chest.

I've put on my salesman face for high class associates a thousand times before, ever since I started selling risky assets to glorified gamblers who called themselves investors the year after I left prison.

It's supposed to be easy. Second nature.

But the look in Maddie's eyes makes her, hands down, the toughest client I've ever faced. Let's do this. “I'll be everything you wanted, and so much more, until the day I die. It's not enough to be your loving husband. I want to reach into the night sky, pull it apart, and bring down every dream that's ever been written in our stars. I love you, doll. Always have. Always will. Love you more than there's room above.”

My eyes flit past hers to the summer night sky appearing through the window. There's a break in the rain tonight. It's eerily clear, a placid atmosphere stretching to Mount Rainier. That's what I see when they start clapping, and when her hands go around my neck.

Doll pulls me in with a ferocity I didn't think she had.

Certainly not when we're lying to a gaggle of strangers she's never met before tonight.

Certainly not when I swallowed my ego before we got here, told her how it'd be, and tried to draw new boundaries.

They're fucking vaporized the instant her lips meet mine. This kiss calls something mad, dark, and primal up from my belly.

My hands sweep down her spine, hugging her hips through the jungle tinted dress, pulling her in. I take her tongue with mine and own it. She moans into my mouth, subtle and sweet. My teeth find her lower lip, the same she's always chewing in her nervous little fits, and they take their hostage.

I've never had a kiss like this. I'm still leading her mouth with mine, but fuck if I haven't lost control. My heartbeat drums louder in my temples, drowning out the happy words flying around the room, sending fire straight to my dick.

Doll.

Fuck.

Stop.

My brain remembers the high stakes we're gambling with just in time. If we carried on a second longer, it'd be improper. Recovering my willpower at the last brutal second, I push her away, remembering to smile to my peers and bosses, knowing full well I probably look like a jackass.

When I tear myself away and we drop back into our seats, she doesn't even look at me, hiding half her rose red face behind her glass of port. She's as embarrassed as I am. Likely just as confused at the sudden, devastating loss of control.

I stab at my dessert for the next few minutes, making small talk with my best friends' dads across the table. They ask me a dozen questions about our wedding, and I come up with answers on the fly. Maddie helps a little, but she's been rendered speechless. I don't blame her.

This can't continue, I think, swallowing the paralyzing truth with every bite of chocolate and port. It's a culinary masterpiece, like everything our four star personal chef turns out, but I don't even taste it.

It's Maddie's kiss hanging on my tongue.

Her taste lingers in my veins.

Her heat.

Her aura next to me, magnetic as pollen to a butterfly, and just as fucking dangerous when the bug isn't able to see the mower bearing down on it.

There's no doubt anymore. I have to get her out of my head, and I definitely can't be alone with her tonight, or the impending catastrophe will leave us both in pieces.

* * *

“We did good,” she chirps, as soon as we're in the backseat of my limo, and the privacy visor between us and the driver up. “We turned heads, and I think we changed some minds, too. Your toast, oh my God, it –“

“Don't mention it again.” It comes out more cold than I intend. “Look, doll, let's both be happy we're doing what we came here to do. That's it. Those words I threw at you, I came up with last night. Wrote them down and burned them into my head all morning. Like being back in Anders' German class, just practicing new words and reading a script.”

“Oh. Impressive speech, I guess.” Her face sinks. I knew she'd be disappointed, but it isn't any easier bracing for it. “I wish you'd told me Mrs. Anders was on the board sooner. I'd have gotten her on our side for sure if I'd had just a little more time, a little more prep.”

“You did plenty, Maddie. Everything I asked, and then some. Keep it up, and we'll be going our merry ways soon.”

She's quiet the rest of the ride home. Fine by me.

We ride the elevator up together, and I walk her into the apartment, stepping into the kitchen to fetch us water while she crashes on the plush couch just outside the balcony doors.

“It really is a beautiful night,” she purrs, sitting up as soon as I take my seat next to her, passing her some water. “Been too long since we've had a clear night.”

“Too good to waste,” I agree, refusing to stare at the flicker in her pretty eyes too long.

It'll consume me if I let it. There's no escaping the fire once it begins, and after what happened tonight, there's zero doubt I'll be able to stop myself breaking my promise, taking this straight to the bedroom, if I even so much as feel her fingers laced with mine.

“What should we do?” Hope springs eternal in her voice. She nods through the glass behind us, a smile forming on her lips. “I saw the gold telescope you keep by the window. There's a lot of city lights, but it's clear, and the moon is out. Want to give it a try?”

“I'm not a big enough nerd,” I lie, hating how fucking good she is at tapping into my not-so-secret amateur hobby. “Sorry, doll. I've got somewhere to be tonight.”

“What, you're going out?” She gulps her water, trying to hide her surprise. “Work again or...”

“Close enough. Help yourself to whatever from the wine cellar, if you'd like. I'll leave a credit card on the counter in case you want to use my account to order a midnight snack.” I dig out my wallet, find my black Centurion card, and grip it between my fingers, before meeting her eyes for the last time. “Enjoy yourself, Maddie. You've earned it tonight. Think about where you want to go for our night out, and let me know tomorrow.”

I don't slow down. She never stops staring until I'm out, banging the front door behind me.

It's too bad it has to be this way. If only she knew what happens next is for her own good.

It's to keep my sanity intact.

Putting the hallway pass she gave me earlier to good use, and fucking everything that happened out of my system, is the one and only sensible choice I have.

* * *

“Holy shit, baby. This place is gorgeous!” Hearing baby on that tongue makes me cringe.

I need her lips, her pussy, not her goddamned pet names.

It's over two hours since I left the condo, and I'm staring at another wide-eyed blast from the past. We haven't fucked yet and I'm already bored. Tina steps into my unlocked high end hotel room, where I'm sprawled out on the bed, reclining against the leather headboard with my shirt unbuttoned and a fresh scotch in my hand.

I met her at a bar on the same block about an hour ago, chatted her up, and told her to meet me here after she made a condom run. If it wasn't for running low on rubbers, except for the lonely backup I always keep, I would have taken her sooner. Probably in the bar's bathroom, where I could've let her suck me off or hate fuck her from behind, drop a couple loads, and forget the fling.

Quick and easy as peeling off a used sheath.

“Duh, Tina. Money buys class. That never changes. Speaking of which, I'm willing to bet you're just as big a slut as you were in the old days.” I wonder why my veins feel dull ash instead of fire when I growl the words.

“Guilty.” She smiles, giggles, and steps up, giving me a shake of her ass in the low cut cocktail dress. “How long has it been, anyway? Four, maybe five years?”

“Almost five. Told you earlier tonight,” I say, surprised her memory seems so shitty after watching her hang on my every word. Of course, the girl has a few martinis in her system, and that's the most dangerous cocktail of all when it's blended with high school crushes.

I think back to the dark day we last hooked up. Wasn't too long after the first anniversary of John's funeral. Feeling low, disgusted, and nostalgic drives a man to strange places, and stranger pussy.

And what does that say about where you're at tonight, asshole? I ask myself.

Doll keeps popping into my head, alone where I left her, sipping on a half-empty wine glass if she hasn't just gone to bed. I fucking hate it.

Tina purses her bubblegum pink painted lips, leaning into me, hungry for our opening kiss. I push her back with one hand, unsure what's come over me. She laughs again, thinking I'm just being playful.

“Talk to me. What the hell have you been up to?” I ask. I'm not sure why I need this small talk before I'm inside her.

“Me?” She taps her bountiful cleavage with her thumb, like she can't believe I'm interested in anything except the panties under that dress. “Oh, you know. The usual. Makin' money, going back to school for pharmacy tech, spending summers with my little girl...”

“Little girl? Fuck, you're married?”

“Um, not exactly. More like a few bad hookups and a broken condom. I wouldn't trade her for anything, though.” Tina shrugs sheepishly, her blonde locks hanging like tarnished gold. “Does the mommy thing appeal to you?”

She recovers, slipping back into the eager succubus mode I remember. There's nothing sexy about it.

I nod weakly, lying, growing more sick of the pretense by the millisecond.

Her words are a brutal reminder just how much can change in half a decade. Last time we fucked, she still had the same light pink highlights in her hair she wore through senior year at Maynard. She wore ripped tights like something out of Seattle's old grunge scene, and pulled me into her body with the same young enthusiasm most girls had when Kurt Cobain was all the rage.

I certainly used her passion to drain my rage against the world that night. She gave everything. I gave her nothing more than angry, hot thrusts back. She was so tight there's no way a kid ever dropped out of her.

She's always been a vacant shadow since the days she blew me as a cheerleader, but tonight, her gritty aura is paper thin. Honestly, it's hideous.

No, the mommy thing doesn't appeal to me. But it's not because it's made her older or uglier, even if she's looking tired and more worn than I remember.

It's a reminder she's as pathetic as I am, hopelessly chasing the ghost of a chance she thinks she has with me just to have my cock one more time.

She shouldn't be here tonight, desperate to get filled with a cock fixated on another woman. She should be home with her kid, who presumably loves her, hoping there'll come a day when mommy can find her jollies on more than cold hookups.

Shit, at least she's got someone, though.

Deep down, I wonder if I'm more pathetic because I can't pin down what I'm after. My whole life runs on money, work, and an obsessed cat-and-mouse chase with a woman who's been nothing but bad for me.

My stomach churns sicker by the second. I try to look at Tina like a woman I need to fuck one more time, but it doesn't work. There's no desire for what's in front of me anymore.

I want Maddie, abandoned at home, alone and disappointed and sorely missing my touch.

“What's wrong, Cal? You're so quiet tonight. Ever since the bar...” She's on the bed now, crawling toward my lap. Her bright red fingernails reach out, hovering over my lap underneath the blanket.

Grabbing her wrist, I hold it away, keeping the soft, unfuckable mess I've become mercifully hidden. I can't even get hard for this chick when her tits are hanging out in front of me.

Not when she doesn't belong here, and neither do I.

Lord knows she won't give up easy. Tina scoots closer, straddling me, wrapping an arm around my neck. Her lips come close, too fucking close for comfort, and that's when I snap.

“Get the fuck off,” I growl, giving her a firm shove. “This was a mistake. Tell you what...” I pause, reach for my wallet on the nightstand, and dig out a wad of cash. “Call yourself a taxi, an Uber, whatever the fuck, and go. Here's more than enough for wasting your time, bringing you out here. If you can't put it to good use yourself, then buy your little girl something nice. We're through. You'll never hear from me again.”

At first, she stands there stunned, her fingers limp as I push the bills into her hand. I stare at her over the rim of my glass, draining my scotch.

“There's...Jesus...like eight hundred dollars here.” She flicks through her stash, counting, more haunted than I am by what's happening. “I don't understand. What is this, Cal? Are you on drugs, or something?”

I ponder her question for a few seconds before I wave my hand like I'm shooing a pesky dog. “None of your damned business. Go. Don't make me get up and throw you out.” I use my coldest voice. I want this bitch gone.

She stares a few seconds longer in disbelief, trying to process what's happening. Finally, with a sigh, she grabs her purse off the chair, stuffs the money into it, and clicks her hooker height heels to the door.

“Shame. We could've had so much fun tonight,” she coos, a last desperate attempt to make me change my mind.

I won't even look at her. Laying like a zombie, I stare at the wall, waiting for the door to fall shut.

It does ten seconds later, and I'm alone.

So fucking alone.

Grabbing the half-empty scotch bottle off the nightstand, I don't bother pouring more in my glass. I raise the neck to my lips and drink my fill, every gulp more fiery and bitter than the last.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, dammit.

That's what I get for thinking I could stick my dick in a paradox, and come home to Maddie tomorrow without bleeding guilt all over her.

I wanted nostalgia as much as amnesia tonight.

Sought a quick fuck pretending it'd take me away from the mounting storm in my blood.

Fooled myself into believing I'd forget doll, when she's all that's been on my mind since the instant I left my condo, checked into the hotel, and texted Tina, planning to have her fluffed up dick-sucker lips pull every last woe from my balls.

Tipping the bottle up to the dark white ceiling, I make another toast. “Here's to the charade. Not just this engagement, but my whole damned circus of a life.”

Draining another fourth of the bottle, I look at the remnants in disgust. I throw my legs over the bed, beginning to put my clothes on. Before I make my call, I scan through my contacts one more time, and delete Tina's number forever.

“Emilio? Bring the car around, and have some water ready for me.” I say, as soon as my driver picks up. “I want to go home.”

* * *

It takes twenty minutes to get to my place. Three or four hours total since I left, abandoning her to the night. I wanted to shut her out so bad after dinner. Instead, all I've succeeded in doing is wasting my time with a whore I couldn't even get hard for.

I drag myself in the condo. All the lights are off, and it's quiet. It's times like this I wish I had a cat or a parrot or something. Anything to break up the dead, cold stillness when I shuffle down the hall to my master bedroom, chugging my second water of the night.

When I walk past Maddie's room, I slow. I can't help it.

My hand goes to the doorknob, and I turn it gently, peering inside through the crack. She's left the soft lamp on next to her.

The fine booze in my system overrides propriety, giving me the liquid courage to violate her privacy. I tip-toe next to her, staring down at my sleeping angel. She's snoozing gently, dark hair tossed to the side, her little lips twitching when I bring my fingers to the switch and turn off the lamp she's left on.

There's a book next to her. Grimm's Fairy Tales, no less, written in its original German.

I smile because it takes me back to the class we shared years ago with Mrs. Anders. Our grades were always at the top of the roster, leading the handful of As. I teased her like mad over the fairy tale translation shit she used to do, mocking her for sticking to children's crap, and not the oh-so-grown-up passages I pretended to understand when I butchered translating Nietzsche and Goethe.

The years have been so much kinder to doll than Tina, apparently. She's matured, but underneath her world class business act, she's the same old girl. There's something endearing as hell about that, and it's impossible for me not to reach out, brushing her cheek.

“Huh? Cal?” Her eyelids flutter, soft and half-awake.

“Shhh. I'm not really here. Go to sleep, darling, and get ready for our big day tomorrow.”

A second later, she closes her eyes. My cue to walk into the bathroom, pull off my shirt, and hang it up over the sink. I can still smell the scotch I sweated out all over it on the way home.

Then I walk to the bed, crashing down next to her, throwing my arm around the woman I can't get out of my head. I'm gone less than a couple minutes after my head hits the pillow.

It's easy to drift off when you're right where you belong.

As fucked up and confusing as this is, there's no place I'd rather be.

Laying next to her like this and basking in her warmth tells me I've made the right choice. Before, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd forgo rowdy pussy just to spoon with a girl I've sworn up and down I'll never, ever fuck because I don't want to ruin her.

But the day is here. The unbelievable keeps happening.

And it's sterling proof there's a growing chance other rules may wind up broken, too.