GWEN

I climb out the window after Vaan, my terrified heart thudding in my chest. Up ahead of me, my big golden dragon-man takes careful step after careful step, moving ahead as if he's one of those wind-up toys and someone's cranked him. There's no response to me calling his name, and as he moves through the courtyard of the fort, he tramples plants and steps over paths, heading in a steady direction.

Heading out of the fort.

I fling my arms around his neck and latch on, wrapping my legs around his hips. He can't leave. If he shifts, I have to stay with him. Fear shakes down to the core of me, and as I look over, I see someone run out one of the school doors, gazing at the two of us in surprise. It's Luz, her baby in her arms.

"Help me!" I scream, clutching at his shoulders tighter. "Help me stop him! He can't fly away!"

She turns around and goes inside, and I want to yell in frustration, but she's got a baby to think of. I shift my grip on Vaan's neck, holding on as best I can.

"Please don't go, Vaan. Stay with me," I whisper, pressing my forehead against the back of his skull.

"Gwen?"

I turn my head just in time to see Andrea racing out of the school, her shotgun in hand. Luz hovers near the door and then disappears inside. Thank you, Luz, I mentally rejoice. Not a coward, just cautious. Liam's on Andrea's heels, but he pulls her back before she can get close.

"Help me," I call again. "Something's wrong with him."

"Salorians," Liam says, and steps in front of Andrea to protect her, tucking her behind him. "Look at his eyes. He's beyond helping, Gwen."

"No!" Panicked, I drop to the ground because Vaan's not stopping. He's heading for the gate, where a confused Gemma's guarding it. I move in front of my dragon-man and press my hands to his chest. "Stop! Vaan! I'm right here. Remember me? Gwen?"

"He can't hear you," Liam calls out. "That's not him anymore. Back away, Gwen."

I won't. I refuse. This is my Vaan. I know he has to be in there. "Please, please talk to me," I beg him, walking backward in front of him because he keeps moving ahead. "Vaan!"

He pauses. His awful gray eyes blink once, slowly. "Fort Dallas," he whispers in a voice so low that I don't believe my ears for a moment. Goosebumps prickle over my skin.

And then he starts walking again.

"No!" I won't give up on him. I won't. There has to be a way to bring him back to me. Haven't I always settled him before? Brought his thoughts back when he was drifting? "It's me, Gwen," I tell him, over and over again. "Gwen. Gwen. Your Gwen, remember?"

"Gwen, please," Andrea calls. "Come back! Just let him go!"

I can't. The panic overwhelms me, and I do the only thing I can possibly think of—I fling myself against the front of his chest, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him.

He immediately goes still.

Encouraged, I put everything I am into the kiss. I nibble at his lower lip, flick at his mouth with my tongue, and when his lips part, I take that as a sign I should continue, and then I'm making love to his mouth with all the passion and intensity I can pour into the kiss. Over and over, I kiss him, slicking my tongue into his mouth and hoping for a response of some kind. "Please," I whisper between kisses. "Vaan, please."

His mouth moves, ever so slightly. Then, it's like his entire body unfreezes. His hands go to my head, cupping me against him as he leans in and thrusts deep into my mouth with his tongue, taking the kiss to the next level.

With a happy little moan, I cling to him, participating in the kiss while letting him lead. I tease at his tongue, my hands caressing his chest, and we kiss for so long and so hard that I see stars at the edges of my vision.

Eventually I break the kiss, because I have to or go unconscious. I look up at him, gasping, and see that his eyes have flooded back to a beautiful, intense gold. "Gwen," he murmurs, touching my cheeks.

I choke back a sob, hugging him close. "Vaan. It's you."

"Move away from him, Gwen," Liam calls out, still protecting Andrea.

"It's okay." I touch Vaan's cheek and study his eyes once more just to be sure that I'm seeing him correctly. "He's himself again."

Vaan rumbles low in his chest, wiping away the tears that spill down my cheeks. He strokes my hair, a concerned look on his face. I just smile and press a kiss to his palm. I don't even care that he's naked and we're making out in the courtyard in front of everyone. I nearly lost him just now. I don't know what it was, but I know in my gut that if he flew away I'd never see him again.

"You're sure?" Liam asks, and this time his voice is much closer. I glance over and he and Andrea have approached, my friend still holding her shotgun at the ready. They both look worried, but when Liam sees Vaan's eyes, he relaxes. "That was a close call."

"What happened?" I ask, because I still don't understand it. "It's like he wasn't there."

"Salorians," Liam says grimly.

"I don't know what that is."

"Our old masters. A drakoni that has been captured by their mind-web in the past is vulnerable to being taken over once more. One of them must have called to him and tried to get him to leave here." Liam shakes his head, troubled. "I had hoped they were all dead in the chaos. I should have known at least one would survive."

"What does he want?" I slide my arms around Vaan's waist, holding him tight against me. I don't want to let him go, ever.

"What does any power-mad sort want? He wants control. Maybe he needs more slaves and is calling who he can to him. It's just another reason why I've cut off that part of my life entirely." Liam crosses his arms over his chest and kicks a rock with one boot, but it's evident he's not nearly as relaxed as he's pretending. "For as long as there have been drakoni clans in the desert back home, there have been Salorians who thought it was their right to come and take them as slaves." He studies me for a moment. "It's encouraging to see you were able to bring him back, though. That's new."

"Is it because they mated?" Andrea asks, and her cheeks are bright red.

"I don't smell his scent in her, but the bond must still be strong." He looks concerned. "It might not be strong enough, though. Who knows what will happen next time?"

"There can't be a next time," I tell them, panicked. "Can there?"

"Who can say?"

"Amy never said Rast had issues," Andi adds, puzzled. She puts her shotgun on her shoulder and her hand on her hip. "I don't get it."

"Rast has Amy to anchor him," Liam says. "She can bring him back from the brink if he gets attacked."

"Isn't that why you went with him, Gwen? To bond with Vaan? That's why you said you'd leave—so you can save all of us in the fort." Andrea gives me a piercing look.

Her words shame me, and I hold tighter to Vaan. I thought hitching his wagon to mine would be a complete and utter death sentence for him, and it turns out that it's what I should have done all along. Yet again, I've made stupid choices. "I had my reasons," I say in a small voice. "It's not that easy."

"It is exactly that easy," Andrea exclaims. Her eyes are wide and she gives me an incredulous little shake of her head. "I thought that was the goal the whole time."

"Well, of course it is. But it's complicated."

"Only if you make it complicated. It's clear to me that you love him and he loves you." She seems exasperated. "I don't get why you wouldn't want to be his at every single level."

Liam looks over at her for a long, long moment and I can practically sense the longing in him. It sounds like Andi's speaking from experience, but I don't think she's exactly bonded with Liam if he's got his brain shut down. It doesn't make sense to me. Right now, they're not my concern, though. "There are a lot of factors," I tell Andrea, but it sounds as lame in the air as it does in my head. There are a lot of factors, but most of them are my fears.

How can I tie Vaan's life to mine? How can anyone trust me after what happened to my own sister?

Vaan can do better than me. There are prettier, stronger women. But as he holds me close and buries his face in my hair, my heart hurts. I don't want him to find someone prettier, or stronger. He wants me. I want him. What am I waiting for?

"So, I'm no prude, but maybe we should go inside? Your man's dingle is dangling, and the kids are staring." Andi tugs on her braid, a nervous gesture. She looks acutely uncomfortable and pretends to check her shotgun. "Maybe we take this party inside?"

Liam seems amused by her reaction. "Humans. So flustered at the sight of a naked body. Why would a shapeshifter wear clothing? It's not reasonable." But he slides something into a holster in his belt, and I realize it's a gun. Was that for me or for Vaan? Either way, it sends a chill down my spine. Guns don't work on dragons…but maybe the rules are different for a dragon in human form.

Andrea's right, though. I look around and everyone in the fort is peering out windows or standing in a doorway, staring at us. They don't know what to make of Vaan and this isn't helping. "You're right," I say softly. "Let's go inside."

The moment we enter through the school doors, my sister Daniela comes running, her eyes shining with tears. She doesn't even look at Vaan, just races to my side and flings her arms around my neck. "Mara said you were leaving with him again." A sob catches in her throat. "Don't go, Gwen. Please!"

I'm shocked. For days, Daniela's been spitting anger and hatred at me. I know she blames me for her kidnapping and the hideous scars on her face. I know bad things happened to her while she was with the nomads. I know she's wounded and hurting and I've been with Vaan. The guilt I feel nearly overwhelms me and fresh tears flow down my face. "I'm not going anywhere, Dee. I promise."

Vaan growls and moves to my side, his hands going to my waist. I can feel the possessiveness rolling off of him in sheets, and I worry that he's going to go gray-eyed again and disappear on me. I don't want that, and I reach out for him with my hand, only for Daniela to cry harder and hold on tighter.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm being torn between both the people I love. My sister needs me—but Vaan's so vulnerable right now. I don't know how to choose, and for a brief moment, I feel like screaming.

"Hey, Dee," says a familiar voice. "Your sister's not leaving. I was wrong. But her boyfriend's kind of messed up at the moment and he needs her. Why don't we all go sit down somewhere quiet and talk things out, okay?" Mara puts a comforting arm around Daniela's shoulders. "Sound good?"

My sister lets herself be pulled out of my grip, and she swipes at her eyes. "Right. Sure." She casts a wary look at Vaan and then gives me another impulsive hug. "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch."

"You haven't," I protest, shocked. "Dee, you've been through such a hard time. I would never—"

"I would," Mara says dryly. "Dee's been a bitch and you've had your head up your ass," she says to me, steering my sister away. "And your dragon's crazy. Your blonde friend wants to play hide the sausage with the other dragon and he's just weird. I think we're all caught up now. So, where can we go that’s quiet? There’s a lot of people staring at us." She offers me a chipper smile that seems crazy white in her dirty face. "Library? Storage?"

"Our room," Daniela says, and doesn't seem fazed by Mara's blunt language. She reaches a hand out to me, and for the first time since her kidnapping, she looks vulnerable instead of bitter and angry. I hurt for her, so much.

But my loyalties are torn. I look at Vaan and hope my sister doesn't feel like I'm choosing him over her. It's just…it's a different kind of choosing entirely. I can love my sister and love Vaan, and I hope they both realize that.

"No one wants to play hide the sausage," Andi declares suddenly behind me, her face beet red. "Jesus."

Daniela snort-giggles and it's the first laugh I've heard her make since she returned, scarred and broken. My own laugh bubbles up, and it turns into a sob.

A warm hand clasps the back of my neck and Vaan pulls me against him.

"Come on. I have a feeling we need some family therapy before this all gets settled," Mara says, and links her arm with Daniela's. Liam glances over at Andi, who lifts her chin and follows behind Mara and Dee. After a moment, he falls into step, and then it's just me and Vaan.

Well, me and Vaan and a dozen nosy Fort Shreveporters who are probably dying to know what the hell's going on. I smile at everyone, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Relax, everyone. It's all right. I promise."

I hope I'm not lying.

"Everyone sit," Mara says as we enter the room I've shared with Andrea and my sister for the last few years. She makes herself at home, pulling up a metal folding chair and sitting in the corner. Daniela goes to her bed and sits, cross legged, her fingers brushing against the scars on her cheeks. Andrea drops down on her own bed, and Liam sits on the floor beside her. They aren't touching, but it's close, and I wonder what happened between them while I was gone to make the sparks fly.

Vaan moves to my bed as if it’s his own, never letting go of my hand. He pulls me down with him and then sprawls in careless masculine beauty on top of the covers, and I find myself artfully nudging a bit of blanket over his loins as I settle in next to him.

"Okay, good." Mara clasps her hands in front of her. "Let's have ourselves a little therapy session, shall we? Because I feel communication has been breaking down between all of you, and in order for this family to function, we need to make sure that we are all honest with our emotions. Got it?" She looks at Andi, then Daniela, then me. "Who wants to start?"

"I'll start," Andi says and scowls at Mara. "Who died and put you in charge?"

"No one. I'm just an impartial observer." Mara doesn't seem ruffled by Andi's attitude. "And since you're beginning with an attack, we're going to skip you." She turns toward Daniela, ignoring Andrea's miffed sound of annoyance. "Why don't you start first, Dee?" Her voice is surprisingly gentle and she smiles at my sister. "You and I have chatted a little. Tell your sister how you're feeling."

"Abandoned," my sister chokes out.

It feels like a dagger twisting in my heart. "I never meant to leave you, Dee."

Tears run down her face, making the awful, awful scars on her cheeks shine. She's still lovely despite everything, and it hurts me because I wanted so much more for her. "You might not have meant it, but you still left, Gwen. You left when I needed you. I know I pushed you away. I know I was a bitch, but I needed to know you were here for me, even if I wasn't ready to reach out."

Everything she says is the truth and it hurts. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do except to tackle problems. I didn't know how to fix you, but I knew how to fix the dragon outside the city, so I went to him."

"He didn't need you," Daniela exclaims.

Not need me? No one needs me more than Vaan. Dee is hurting and lost right now, but she has an entire fort to help support her. Andi will be a shoulder to lean on. Cass, Luz, Gemma, and any of the other girls will do whatever she needs. Heck, even Mara, who didn't know anyone but me before yesterday, has formed a friendship with my lovely, broken sister. It's evident in the way that Mara reaches over and squeezes Daniela's shoulder. My sister's always been good at making friends. "You're wrong," I say in the gentlest tone I can. "Vaan needs me. So, so much."

I look over at my dragon.

"Kissss mmme," he rumbles, his hand going to my hair.

I blush at his timing. "Not now," I whisper.

"I'd tell you two to get a room, but we're already in it," Mara says dryly.

Andi clears her throat. "Why not now?" When I look over at her in confusion, she gestures to Vaan, lounging next to me on my bed. "You told him not now. Why not now? Why do you keep putting him off when I thought the whole goal was for you to bond with him? To tame him and bring him over to our side? Wasn't that the point?"

Her impatience irritates me. I know she means well, and I know Andi would never intentionally hurt my feelings, but sometimes her bull-in-a-china-shop method of dealing with things doesn't work. "You think all I have to do is lie back and spread my legs, but it is just not that simple!"

"Why not?" she asks, lifting her chin. "I'm pretty sure that's exactly how it works, so why not, Gwen?"

"Because I don't want to ruin his life like I did Daniela's," I snap out before I can think about it.

Dee gasps. The room goes utterly silent. Vaan's claws gently massage my scalp and he holds me closer, as if sensing I need comfort. I can't look anyone in the eye. I shouldn't have said anything. I rub my brow, frustrated at my own words.

"You think you ruined my life?" My sister's voice is small.

I look over at her, and I know I'm going to start crying again. Shit. I blink rapidly, doing my best to fight back more stupid tears, because they don't solve anything and all they do is make it difficult to speak coherently. "We both know I did, Dee. I was the one that let the Brothers of Ash into the fort. I didn't act fast enough to stop them, and I didn't get a rescue to you fast enough. It's my poor leadership that got you into this mess, so yes, it is my fault. It's all my fault. I didn't protect you like I should have."

"Oh Gwen," Andi murmurs, shaking her head.

Daniela looks shocked at my words. Her eyes soften and a faint, tremulous smile curves her mouth even as she draws her knees up against her chest and hugs them. "You're all wrong, Gwen. All wrong. I love you, sis. I'm not mad at you. I'm angry and I'm hurting, but I've never been mad at you. I know you tried. Heck, everyone here has told me all about how hard you tried to save me while making sure everyone at the fort wasn't in danger. I know you had to juggle saving your sister versus saving people here at the fort. If it was me, I'd have probably made the same decisions, no matter how difficult. No one's ever envied you being in charge. We know it's a thankless task." She shakes her head. "I know I haven't been the same as I was. I know I've been angry, but it's not at you. I'm mad at the bastards that hurt me and treated me like I was just another toy to be broken." She touches the fresh scars on her cheeks and then looks at me. "But I've never been mad at you. If it seemed like I was lashing out, I'm sorry."

"Oh my god, don't apologize," I exclaim, moving forward on the bed to sit on the edge. I want to go and hug the sadness and hurt out of her eyes, but I don't dare leave Vaan's side. "Never apologize, Dee. I know you're hurting. I should have reached out to you more. I just didn't know how."

"You've had your own problems to worry about," my sister says, looking over at Vaan.

"But they shouldn't take away from yours—"

Mara cuts in with a wave of her hand. "Okay, great. Everyone's sorry that they had their heads inserted in their rectums. I think we've established that. You love your sister," she says, pointing at Daniela. Then she points at me. "And you love your sister. Fantastic. Let's move on." She gives me a piercing look, her eyes bright in the mask of dirt she wears. "What are you plans now, Gwen?"

"Plans?" I'm still reeling from my sister's confession. Despite all her bitterness, she's never blamed me. I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't there for her when she needed me most, and she still loves me. I want to hug her to my chest and stroke her hair—like Vaan's stroking mine right now—and I'm a little irked at Mara's brusque change of topics. "What plans?"

"You and the dragon? Do I need to accompany this with hand gestures?" She makes a circle with her fingers and pierces it with another in a remarkably crude gesture I've only seen Andi's brother Benny do when he's among his other friends.

My face gets really hot and I'm acutely aware of Vaan's nakedness and the subtle tension in his body, because he's smart. I'm pretty sure he figured out Mara's gesture and what she's asking as she looks at me. "I-I don't know."

Andrea makes an exasperated sound, smacking her forehead with her palm. "Here we go again. Why don't you know, Gwen?"

"Because it's not simple," I say automatically.

"Why isn't it simple?" Her brows furrow together as she looks from me, to Vaan, to me again. "He loves you. You love him."

I can't speak. No words rise to mind. Anything I want to say immediately lodges in my throat. It should be simple. It should be…but it doesn't feel simple.

"Is it because he's a dragon?" Mara asks. "Because he's crazy?"

"He's not crazy," I retort. "You just don't understand him. There's nothing wrong with him."

"So the problem's with you."

I stare at her in surprise. It feels too much like the truth, and it hurts. It feels like a knife wound and everyone's prying at it in an attempt to heal, but all it's doing is making the pain worse. "I don't want to ruin his life."

"Seems to me like me he's pretty eager to have it ruined," Liam says, speaking up for the first time.

Andi throws her hands up in the air at my words. "Let me guess, because you ruined everyone's lives here, right?" Before I can agree, she gestures at Dee. "Like you ruined hers. Heck, you probably ruined Mara's, too, right?"

"She did have her dragon kill my protector," Mara chimes in, all sweetness.

"I—" I begin.

"You haven't ruined anything," Andrea continues, fired up in my defense. She puts her feet back on the ground and leans forward, her expression intense. "You organized those of us that wanted to leave Fort Tulsa behind. You kept us all together when we left that place and made sure we were armed and safe. When people got scared, you held their hands and told them it would be all right. You were the first one to think we could make a fort of our own, and you've welcomed everyone here with open arms."

"And look where that got us," I tell her bitterly. "I let in the Brothers of Ash. I even let in a dragon. Two dragons," I say, gesturing at Liam. "That doesn't seem like I'm a very good leader."

"No one could have done better than you, Gwen. No one. The only reason why Amy's stepping up as leader is because you don't want it." Andrea gives me a firm look. "Everyone here would still follow you no matter where you went. We trust you and we love you."

"We know that even when things get bad, you're doing your best to make them better," Daniela adds. "You always have."

Tears flood my eyes and the knot in my throat is so thick I can't speak.

"So again," Andi says. "Why haven't you mated him?"

I lick my lips and the words that come out are the softest of whispers. "I don't feel worthy."

"Oh Gwen," Dee says softly, and I'm ashamed at the sympathy in her voice. "No one deserves love more than you. No one blames you for anything. I promise."

"You're just punishing yourself," Andi agrees. “You’re still my big sis.”

“And my real sis,” Daniela chimes in.

Their loving support makes my heart warm. I don't deserve such wonderful friends. I sniff and swipe at my eyes, because I'm pathetic. "He was supposed to be yours," I tell Andrea.

She snorts. "He was never mine. He was always coming for you. I just didn't realize it."

Liam looks over at Andrea, and I see a flash of dark jealousy flare black in his golden eyes, but it quickly fades and he assumes his neutral expression once more as he glances over at me. "If you think you're unworthy, you can atone by saving that dragon next to you from the Salorians trying to steal his mind."

"Don't wait any longer," Andi agrees. "He needs you, and I think you need him."

It feels weird to have an entire group of people encouraging me to have sex. Weirder still, I know they're right. I've been stalling out of my own sense of guilt and shame over what's happened at the fort and to my sister, and I allowed that to put Vaan in danger.

I love him, and my hesitation's hurting him. "I won't wait. Tonight," I promise.

"What's wrong with right now?" Mara tilts her head and regards me. "I've been around you two for a while. I know there's not an issue with attraction."

Andrea giggles. My sister does, too.

Jeez, way to front me out. Still, I can't be mad, not when my sister's smiling and looks happier than she's been in a long time. I should thank Mara for this hokey family therapy session. It seems like we're getting all of the pent-up frustration out in the air and this can only mean good things. "It's daylight," I tell them. "We just had breakfast."

"Well, if you get a leg cramp, just remember to go slow. That's what my swim coach always told me."

"Har de har," I mutter.

"Just do it," Andi says, getting to her feet. "It's never too early for good, toe-curling sex. We can leave and tell everyone not to bother you guys for a while."

I'm not going to blush. I'm not going to blush. I'm not going to blush.

I look over at Vaan, whose eyes are whirling a contented gold. As if he can sense what I'm thinking, the look on his face grows speculative and he slides his hand up and down my arm in an almost-petting motion that makes my body respond. "Everyone will know what we're doing. Everyone in the fort." It sounds like a silly protest, even to me, because the longer I stare at Vaan, the easier it seems to just crawl into bed with him and shut out the world.

Mara rolls her eyes. "Everyone here's already seen his dick. It's not like he's hiding anything. Why should you?"

"Okay, fine!" This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had. "We'll have sex!"

"Right now," Andi insists.

"Right now," I agree.

"Then we should go," Mara says, getting to her feet as well. Her expression is pleased. "Unless someone else has something they need to discuss with the group?"

No one speaks. They're all grinning, though, and I can feel myself blushing. There's no reason to be embarrassed, I tell myself. Everyone has sex. I'm not a virgin. Andi's not either. My sister…says she’s a virgin, but the defeated look in her eyes makes me worry. The thought makes the guilt rush through me again, only to have Dee move to my bed and hug me, her arms around my neck.

"Love you, sis," she tells me, and then gives my forehead a friendly kiss. "We'll talk more later, all right? Right now, you do what you've gotta do."

I squeeze her hand. "Thanks, Daniela. I love you, too."

"So much love, I could just puke," Mara says cheerfully. "So when's lunch around this place?"

"Come on," Dee tells Mara, detangling herself from my grip. "I'll show you who to talk to when you need to raid the communal pantry between food times." My sister casts me one last fragile smile, and then she leaves with Mara, who's still as filthy as ever and continues to wear her dirty rags as if they're armor.

Liam leaves, but Andi lingers behind for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"What is it?" I ask her, curious.

"How do you suppose she knew to bring us all in and make us talk?" She looks curious. "What's in this for her?"

I think about Mara. The Mara I met on the first day seems to be changing on a regular basis. I thought she was one of those weak, flighty things that sticks like glue to the biggest man they can find in order to keep themselves safe, but the longer I know her, the more layers are presented. She's smart and clever. I don't know if she's trustworthy, but she's definitely sharp. I don't know what her end-game is either, but right now I'm just glad my sister has a buddy to distract her from her own problems. "Maybe she sat in on a lot of family therapy in the Before and knows a lot about it."

"Or maybe she's smart enough to know that it benefits her if we all get along." Andi shoots me a shrewd look. "Whatever it is, it's interesting." She shrugs. "She's harmless, if smelly. Maybe I should hint that we prefer cleanliness at this fort."

"She'll clean up when she feels safe," I tell her, amused. "That dirt's armor, right? At least, that's what I figured."

"Don't know, don't care as long as she stays upwind." Andi turns back to me and points. "Now, you do what you need to do. Save him. Save yourself. Blow jobs all around. Whatever. Just quit tearing yourself down thinking that you aren't worthy of love. There's no one better or more loyal than you. If I was a dragon, I'd be all over you."

I laugh, because my friend is ridiculous and I love her. "Thanks, Andrea."

She winks at me and then closes the door behind her.