Finn is God Can you always do something sometimes?
Julie Seagle I had a dream about starting a dating service for fish called solemate.com. In unrelated news, I will never drink again.
Julie looked around and wondered why everyone was smiling. This was not fun. It was sleeting now, and the wind had picked up. She looked down at her bare legs and questioned what she’d been thinking coming down to the beach. And the only bathing suit that crazy Dana owned was nothing but a small handful of fabric posing as a bikini. Julie felt like an idiot. At least other people in the Polar Plunge crowd looked just as silly, she supposed; the three guys with Red Sox logos painted on their chests, an elderly man in a cowboy hat, the mother dressed as a lobster, and a trio of teen boys dressed as leprechauns all stood out more than she did. Hopefully.
Damn, it was cold, and she wasn’t even in the water yet. Julie looked out at the ocean, the waves dark and ominous. Powerful. She didn’t understand the crowd’s enthusiasm for what they were about to do. It was a chore. A test. A way to prove something. It was scary and awful. But Julie needed to do this. She tried to focus, determined that she would not stop when her foot hit the water. What if she stopped breathing? Stopped moving? What if she panicked and her knees went weak? The force of the waves would push her below the surface, holding her down on the frozen ocean floor. That was not going to happen, she told herself. It was mobbed here. Someone would either see her fall or trip over her. She would just have to plow through the first cold shock. She’d run in and out of the water, and then it would be over. Just a few minutes out of her life.
That reporter had said something about involuntary hyperventilating. Yup. Julie was already involuntarily hyperventilating. And who the hell ever voluntarily hyperventilated?
Julie caught sight of a girl wearing a Princess Leia outfit and stared at her. Even in her foggy state, something was ringing a bell about this. In fact, screeching, horrible, major-panic kind of alarm bells started going off…
Suddenly the crowd rushed forward, and Julie found that she was running across the cold sand, her feet digging into rock. While she could vaguely hear the whoops and yells from other swimmers, mostly she heard the sound of her ragged, scared breathing. What had Finn said to her? As much as you’re terrified, you’re also starting to feel the rush, the thrill you get from being on the brink.
Julie ran harder, faster, yelling as she hit the ocean, but didn’t stop. The water stung her legs, then her waist, making her gasp and struggle for air. The cold was so jarring that she couldn’t make a sound. She thought about Finn again: It’s a calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.
She got it now. As she bent her legs and threw her whole body under water, she got what he meant. Her feet found the ground, and she pushed up, soaring back into the frigid air. She could swear she heard Finn call her name as she went under again. The way her body went numb so quickly was enthralling. Soothing. She was drawn into the sensation. Maybe she could just stay here, here in this euphoric ice water where it felt timeless and peaceful and clear? When she hit the surface again, she turned her back to the beach, standing silently as the salt water splashed against her.
Julie! Julie!
The sky was even darker now. Too dark to be only ten in the morning. The sleet continued to fall. It must be hurting her skin. Her body felt weightless and infallible, and that unfamiliar feeling was riveting. The allure of the deadening ocean was calling her again. She let her legs bend and watched transfixed as the skyline in front of her changed.
Julie!
Someone grabbed her arm. “Girl, you gotta get out. Come on.” A burly man took hold of her arm and pulled her up, stopping her from sinking. “Now. That’s it. Come on. Make yourself run.” Julie noticed he had long gray hair that he wore in a ponytail the same way her grandfather did. And a full beard. Her legs were moving, but she sensed that she was not going fast enough. Like her steps were in slow motion. She watched fascinated as the man put his arm around her and effortlessly scooped her up. Why was he doing that?
Julie!
The man carried her from the water, then across the sand. “You’ll be OK. You just froze up. First time, huh?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
The man set her down on her feet, and she leaned forward into a thick blanket. She knew this blanket. The smell and the texture felt like home. As someone swaddled her up in the softness, her body began to shake violently.
“Oh my God, Julie! What were you doing?” She also knew that voice.
“Matt? Did you see me?” she asked, without looking up. Her voice sounded far off.
“Yeah. I saw you,” Matt said. He did not sound happy.
“Did you see Santa Claus, too?”
“That wasn’t Santa Claus. That was one of the L Street Brownies who rescued you from certain death. It was considerate of him, after you crashed their event.” Matt tightened the blanket around her and started furiously rubbing her back and her arms. “We have to get you warmed up. Dummy. Hey, can you get her sweatpants, and socks and boots on? Hurry.”
Julie felt someone lift up her foot. “I saw you, too, and I thought you were brilliant! Really stupendous!”
“Celeste?” Julie tried to turn her head. Matt had covered her so thoroughly with the blanket that she couldn’t see a thing.
“I’m here!” Celeste said excitedly. “I’m attending to your blue feet!”
Julie’s skin felt like it was burning. “Why are you here? How?” she asked Matt. Her teeth were chattering wildly.
She stood there shivering helplessly, fully aware that she was practically naked. Damn Dana’s bikini. At least she was too cold to blush. Matt didn’t say anything as he dropped the blanket for a quick moment, pulling a long-sleeved shirt and then a thick sweatshirt over her head. Wow. He looked exceedingly pissed off. She let him swaddle her in the blanket again and wrap his arms around her as he tried to get her body temperature back to normal.
“Finn figured it out. He sent me to get you,” he whispered into her ear. “What the hell were you thinking? We could see you standing out there in the ocean, not moving. You’re lucky you’re not dead. God damn it, Julie. Why would you do that? Why are you here and not in California with your father?” He sounded unreasonably mad.
Julie dropped her head forward and leaned into him. Her toes throbbed. She couldn’t control the way her body was trembling. “Because he’s a jerk, and I’m a liar.” She felt herself choke on a sob. And then she couldn’t stop.
Matt didn’t say anything, but he kept rubbing her back. Celeste moved behind her, and pressed her body against Julie’s, hugging her tightly, so that she was pinned between brother and sister. They stayed like that for a few moments, the numbing effect of the cold beginning to wear off, and the deep pain setting in.
“Please don’t cry, Julie. You were simply wonderful out there,” Celeste said.
“She was not wonderful, Celeste. She was a dope,” Matt said. “But we’re glad you’re OK. You are OK, aren’t you? I mean… physically?”
Julie nodded. Fine, he obviously thought that mentally she was whacked. She knew her crying was making Matt uncomfortable. At least her hangover was significantly less prominent now. The upside to near-death. She turned her head to the side and saw the girl in the Princess Leia getup again. Something flashed through her mind. A fuzzy blip…
Uh-oh.
She closed her eyes. Thank God she still had her face hidden. “Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“Did we talk on the phone last night?”
He paused. “We did.”
Oh, no. Julie was starting to remember.
This was unbelievable. Maybe she was making this up. “Did I ask you…?” She swallowed hard. “Did I ask you if you were a skilled lover?”
Matt cleared his throat and paused again. “You did.”
Celeste burst out laughing.
Julie tucked her head down lower. “Sorry.”
“Let’s get you into the car. It should still be warm.”
“Celeste, can you grab my bag?” Julie pointed from under the blanket to the benches on the other side of the beach.
“Absolutely. Hey, Julie?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“I’m glad that you’re here.” Celeste beamed. “Home.”
“Me too.”
“Meet us at the car, OK?” Matt stepped away from Julie and turned her in the direction of the street.
Her feet were regaining some feeling. She pulled the blanket more tightly around her shoulders and let Matt guide her across the beach. “So, Matt,” she started and looked up at him smiling. “Last night? What was your answer?”
“I’m not going to tell you. Now maybe you won’t drink so much again.”
Julie sighed. “Believe me. Lesson learned.”
Matt got her into the front seat and cranked up the heat. Celeste bounded into the car with Julie’s bag, and they started the drive home. Periodically, Julie shuddered as sharp chills ran through her, and she held her hands in front of the lukewarm vents and rubbed them together.
Matt frowned and fiddled with the controls, finally hitting the dashboard. “Come on! Come on, you piece of crap!” He slammed his hand down again.
“It’s all right. Calm down. I’m warming up,” Julie insisted.
“No, you’re not fine.” Matt sounded angry again. “That was a stupid thing to do. It was reckless. Seriously, what would possess you?”
Julie leaned back. “I don’t care. I’m glad I did it.”
“It’s called a plunge. It’s not a stand-in-the-dangerously-cold-water-and-stare-fixedly-at-nothing event. A plunge means exactly that. You plunge in and get the hell out. Not that you should have even been doing that.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m not fooling around, Julie. That was stupid. Stupid.” He hit the gas and passed a few cars.
“Slow down, Matt!” Julie said hoarsely. “You’re going to get a ticket.”
“I’ll drive as fast as I want. The quicker we get you home, the quicker you can warm up.”
“Why don’t you just take me back to Dana’s? Turn left up here.”
“Is that where you’ve been staying?” He shook his head, looking exasperated with her. “No. I am not taking you back to Dana’s. Who knows what other trouble you’ll get yourself into?”
“Matt! I can stay wherever I want to. I’m an adult.”
“You’re not acting like it.”
“Why do you care where I stay?”
“Ah, a lovers’ quarrel,” Celeste said dreamily from the back seat.
“Shut up!” Julie and Matt yelled together.
Trying to ignore his driving for the rest of the ride home was the only thing keeping her sane right now. God, he was so grouchy sometimes. Temperamental. She couldn’t keep up with his moods.
He pulled into the driveway and opened her door, moving to help her get out.
“I can walk just fine,” she said, although her legs were noticeably shaking. She batted him away.
“Forgive me for not wanting you to collapse on the pavement,” he said.
Julie shuffled behind him and Celeste as they walked up the front steps and watched Matt struggle with the finicky front lock. “Wait a minute.” She turned back to the car and then looked at Celeste. “Where’s Flat Finn?”
Matt froze and also turned to his sister.
Celeste clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh! He’s in the car.” She started to walk back down the steps and stopped.
Julie looked at Matt and saw it register with him, too. “No, Celeste,” he said softly. “He’s not.” The surprise in his voice was obvious. “Flat Finn is not in the car. We forgot.”
Celeste kept her back to them and squeezed her hands.
Matt continued. “We left the house so fast that we forgot.”
“I never forget. Never,” she said.
Julie shivered. She realized that Celeste had not only left the house, but had gone all the way to South Boston, gathered Julie from the beach, and returned home. All without Flat Finn. And all in a more relaxed—and even joyous—state than Julie had ever seen her. “Celeste, I don’t think you forgot. I think you didn’t need him today.”
“That is not fair to him!”
Matt moved toward his sister, but Julie grabbed his arm. She didn’t want him to rescue her again. “Kiddo? You can take a day off when you want. So can he. It’s not a big deal. Some things you need to do without him.”
“Besides, it’s sleeting and awful out today.” He was clearly trying hard to sound nonchalant. “He would have hated the trip.”
Celeste unclenched her fists. “I imagine that he would have.”
“Speaking of sleet, you need to come in the house, Celeste.” Matt got the door lock to open. “Or I’ll have two icicle girls to attend to.”
Celeste whipped around, her long blond curls sparkling from the sleet. “We wouldn’t want to overwhelm you, now, would we? Two feeble, dim-witted females such as Julie and myself couldn’t possibly take care of our delicate bodies. We might have to be carried to the fainting room and revived with smelling salts.” She walked back up the stairs and into the house.
Matt looked at Julie, dumbfounded. “Did she just roll her eyes at me?”
“Yes,” she said, pleased. “Yes, she did.”
“Why don’t you go take a hot shower, and I’ll start a fire.”
Thirty minutes later, Julie was bundled up in long underwear and fleece. She scooted closer to the fireplace and stuck her toes as near to the heat as she could without igniting her socks. Matt jabbed a log with an iron poker, sending sparks flying.
“Thanks for the soup,” Julie said.
“I’m gifted with a can opener. What can I say?”
“Still. Thank you. And for the water and the orange juice. I feel a little better.”
“Good. I’ll order dinner tonight from that Vietnamese place you like. You’ll be back to normal in no time.”
“The fire feels nice. How come you guys don’t light more? You have all these beautiful fireplaces in the house.”
He threw another log onto the already high flames. “Mom doesn’t like the smell much. Since she’s not here, I thought I’d take advantage. The house will air out by the time she gets back.”
“Where are your parents? They can’t be working today.”
“They went up to Stowe for a few days. Vermont. We have a house there,” he explained.
“They didn’t bring you and Celeste,” she said softly.
He shook his head. “No, they did not. What about you? What happened with your father and California?”
“He canceled the trip. And then he blew me off for dinner last night.”
“I can’t believe you spent Christmas alone. Why didn’t you tell us? You should have stayed here. My parents are going to be furious with you.”
Julie shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s embarrassing. Don’t tell Erin and Roger, please? And Finn. Especially don’t tell him.”
“Julie, you kind of already told him. I think you have brain damage from that dip in the Atlantic.”
“Oh. I did, didn’t I?” Julie reached behind her and grabbed a pillow so she could lie down. “How did Finn know where I was?“
“I don’t know. He said something about a song. That all you need is the water. Then something about freeing yourself. Finn insisted that while you wouldn’t skydive, you might do something like hurl yourself into the Atlantic to prove a point. So, I got my mission. Like I’ve said before, I just follow orders around here.”
So much for her cryptic quote. She propped herself up on her arm. “I might skydive.”
“Sure you would.”
“I might,” she insisted and flopped back down. “With the right person. Depends what you mean by skydive.”
Matt laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“Nothin’. Hey, Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry your parents left you here alone. That’s not very nice.”
Matt jabbed the fire with an iron poker. “No, it’s not very nice, is it? And I’m sorry your dad left you alone. That’s also not very nice.”
“Thanks.” Julie closed her eyes. She was exhausted.
“Tired, huh? Why don’t you sleep for a while?”
She heard Matt get up to draw the curtains and then felt him cover her with a wool blanket. Matt was so consistently inconsistent, she thought sleepily. He was always catching her, and wrapping her up, and then being evasive and annoying her, and then feeding her soup, and then snapping, and then talking about fonts and equations… It was hard to think anymore.
Julie yawned. “Did you call Dana?”
“Not yet. I will.”
The heat from the fire warmed her face. “Thanks for getting me, Matty. I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
“Of course. It’s not a problem.”
Julie wasn’t sure, but as the fatigue took over and pulled her into unconsciousness, she thought she felt a hand gently brush the hair from her face. And she thought she heard someone whisper lyrics about shelter, breaking worlds, changing times, pushing power, lack of water…
But she was probably already dreaming. Because even though she could feel him, Finn wasn’t here with her.
PART THREE
Chapter 24
Matthew Watkins was a prototype release only available to developers and had a very buggy pre-release cerebral subsystem. Also, no bladder controls.
Finn is God I hope that someday they invent a car that runs on inappropriate thoughts.
Julie Seagle thinks that when you comment on NPR’s Facebook updates, you should use some semblance of grammar and punctuation. But maybe I’m just a bitch.
Julie carried glasses and a pitcher of lemonade outside, joining Roger, Matt, and Celeste on the front porch. “More hinges? Is Flatty auditioning for Cirque de Soleil?”
“It’s quite possible that Flat Finn could now be folded up into a wallet.” Roger said. He stood up and pointed at the new hinges that were shining brightly on Flat Finn’s ankles. “I don’t think there is room for anymore. We’ve done all the other joints. What do you think, Celeste?”
Celeste was lounging in a wicker chair, her head tilted back and her eyes closed, as she took in the April sunshine. Slowly, she lifted up a bit and peered over. “You’re right. This may be as many as he can handle. He is already rather accordion-like, isn’t he?” She dropped her head back down.
Roger looked at Julie and whispered. “I have the feeling someone isn’t so invested in someone else anymore.”
“I can hear you,” Celeste said. “I am decidedly invested. Oh, the mail is here.” She leapt from her seat and ran down the front steps.
Roger stared at his daughter as she bounded away. “She looks so… old. Does she look old to you, Matthew?”
Matt poured a glass of lemonade. “Yes. I’m fairly sure that I saw wrinkles on her sagging jowls. Also, she’s been downing the Geritol. We should look into a nursing home for her.”
“Matthew, relax. She looks good. I think her outfit is wretched, though.” Roger frowned. “But I’m supposed to think that. Right, Julie?”
Julie nodded. “Yes, you are. Fathers should hate what their teenage daughters are wearing.”
“Mission accomplished,” he said somewhat despairingly. “The too-short skirt and those dreadful earrings are your doing?”
“Guilty.”
Roger shook his head with acceptance and took a seat on the steps.
Celeste returned with the mail, tossed it onto the small table, and plopped back onto the cushioned chair. “My Seventeen arrived. I don’t care for the horoscopes or quizzes, or, truthfully, most of the articles, but I do enjoy the suggested fashion pieces.”
Julie sat down next to Celeste, so the two could debate shoe styles and prom updos. Celeste looked radiant and, for her, relaxed. Something had changed over the past few months. It was subtle, but Julie saw differences.
Matt scowled as he rooted through the mail. “Are you two honestly concerned with that stuff?”
Julie glared at him. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not like coveting the perfect pair of strappy sandals negates our interest in political and social concerns, does it, Celeste?”
“Ooooh! Look at her hair!” Celeste pointed to a picture. “Do you think you could do that to mine? I find that very flattering. And, no, Matthew. I agree with Julie.”
“You’re smart,” he said. “You don’t need all that.”
“Yes, I know. I’m the smart girl. My identity has been overtaken by that label, and perhaps I would like to be seen as something other than the smart girl.”
Julie smiled at Matt. “So there.”
Celeste looked up. “I apologize. I don’t intend to be rude, Matty. But you are not a girl, and you do not understand the societal pressures that someone my age must contend with.”
“Contractions,” Julie reminded Celeste with a singsong tone.
“Oh, yes. Right. Sorry. Anyway, attractiveness is probably just a social construct, but succumbing to selected norms is not always a negative move. Julie, for instance, is a good example of someone who is both highly intelligent and socially skilled.”
“Fine.” Matt frowned at a pink envelope. He looked furtively at Celeste, who was now buried back in her magazine, and crossed the porch.
Julie watched as he opened the envelope, scanned a card, and started to tuck it between pages of a store flyer.
“What’s that?” Julie asked loudly.
“What? Nothing. Junk mail.”
“No, it’s not. What is that?” Julie got up and marched over to him. “You do not get letters in pink envelopes, so hand it over.”
“Julie!” he hissed.
“Matt!” she hissed back.
She snatched the card from his hands. The envelope was addressed to Celeste, and the card was an invitation to a birthday party, a sleepover the following weekend.
“Hey, Celeste! You got invited to a party. For Rachel. Is she in your class?”
“Julie!” Matt grabbed the card back. “Don’t!”
Celeste let the magazine fall into her lap. “I did? She invited me?”
“She did?” Roger turned around and looked at his daughter.
“Yes, she did. Everyone can stop acting so ridiculously flabbergasted. Here.” Again, Julie swiped the card from Matt and handed it to Celeste.
Celeste looked intently at the invitation, her mouth beginning to form a wistful smile. But then she set it down on the table. “That was incredibly generous of Rachel to invite me. She’s been awfully nice to me. I can’t go, of course.”
“Why not? Go to the party,” Julie insisted. “Have fun, hang out, eat cake, gossip.”
Roger stood up. “Julie, this might not be—”
“Celeste, do you want to go?”
“We can’t consider that an option, can we?” She glanced at Flat Finn.
“It’s OK.” Roger waved Celeste up from her seat. “Why don’t you come inside with me? I want to show you the results from that study I did on combating the spread of harmful algae.”
Celeste didn’t look at Julie as she got up and handed over the invitation. “Please don’t worry about this. I understand that it would not work.”
Fuming, Julie crossed her arms. Celeste’s demeanor had changed, and she no longer looked relaxed. This was Matt and Roger’s fault entirely.
Matt put his hands in his pockets and looked down. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“Do you? Do you really? Goddamn it, Matt! How could you do this to her?”
He looked up, surprised. “Do what?”
She sighed. “Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? You’re setting her up for failure. She knew you hid that invitation from her, and that told her you don’t believe in her.”
“She knew it because you made a spectacle out of it. She can’t go. You know that. That’s why I didn’t want her to see the invitation. It’s just another reminder of something that she’s not ready for.”
“Maybe you’re the one who isn’t ready? Maybe your parents aren’t ready? Huh? You mother had her wearing fricking pinafores, for God’s sake, until I took the kid to the mall!”
“Shhh! Stop yelling!” Matt warned. “This is not your decision.”
“It’s not yours either. It’s Celeste’s. She should be able to go if she wants to,” Julie insisted. “She’s ready.”
“She’s not ready.”
“She needs friends, Matt. When was the last time anybody asked her to do anything?”
Matt was silent.
“She needs friends,” Julie said again. “And so do you. You need her to expand her world so that you can have yours back.”
He nodded. “I know. But this Rachel’s parents probably made her invite everyone. Including Celeste.”
“Every girl in that entire huge class was invited to stay at their house? I don’t think so. Celeste got asked because this Rachel girl wanted to invite her. It’s just a party. If you don’t make a big deal out it, she might not either. You’re her brother. She looks up to you, and she needs to know that you believe in her.” Julie waved the invitation at him. “That you trust her, and that you think she can succeed. Don’t you get that?”
Matt avoided her eyes. “She doesn’t look up to me. She looks up to Finn. And you.”
“And you. She loves you.”
He shuffled his feet. “You really think she can handle this?”
“Yes. I do. I know it.”
“What about Flat Finn?”
“She’ll fold him up and stick him in the bottom of her overnight bag. No one will know. She’s gone shopping with me a bunch of times without him, and I don’t even have to take him in the car when I pick her up from school anymore. Yes, he still has to stand by her bed or outside her door at night, and she still obsesses about him some of the time, but it’s not like it was. She’s getting busy with other parts of life. With life, for that matter.” Julie looked pleadingly at Matt. “She can do this. She’s dressing better, she’s into normal music, she picks out cute boys on television. Shut up!” Julie cut off Matt before he said anything. “This stuff is normal. She’s even talking less… less like someone who just graduated from an advanced articulation class. Well, sometimes. Let her grow up. She’s got to take a risk.”
“She doesn’t even want to go, Julie.” he said feebly. “Really.”
“She does, too. You saw how she looked at that invitation.”
Matt let out a big sigh. “I’ll talk to my parents.”
“And call Dana. I gave you her number months ago.”
“She had mono.”
“So what? You could have brought her soup. Tended to her needs, if you know what I mean.” Julie gave him an exaggerated wink.
“I did call her, and she said she felt awful and that she’d call me when she was less plague-like.”
“I talked to her this morning, and she feels better. She’s been holed up in her apartment for ages, and she’s ready for some fun.”
“If you wink at me again, I will never call her.”
“Fine. Stop being so uptight.”
“Did it ever occur to you that I might have to be? I have a lot to manage.”
Julie put her hands on her hips and took a breath. “Sorry.”
“Anything else you want me to do? Should I start a list of all of your assigned tasks?”
“That’s it. For now. But call Dana, and go on a date like a regular college boy. And don’t wear a weird shirt.”
“Define weird.”
“Nice try.”
**********
Julie lay down on her stomach, her fingers poised over the keyboard. The only light in the bedroom came from the glow of the laptop, but she didn’t need to see anything else right now except the online chat between her and Finn.
Julie Seagle
OK, so I told you about Celeste’s upcoming sleepover and Matt’s possible date. What else….?
Finn is God
I project that the sleepover will be a success, and the date will not. Matt tends to get gassy when he’s nervous and, well, you know… That doesn’t usually go over so well with the ladies.
Julie Seagle
I gather he did actually have a girlfriend for a while, so presumably he can maintain control of his bodily functions for short periods. You should wish him well!
Finn is God
I wish this poor Dana girl well, poor thing… I’m joking! I’m sure they will be engaged by the end of the date. Aha! And then we can dance at the wedding. I will wear a purple tuxedo so that I stand out and can be identifiable next to Flat Finn. (Must make sure FF does not wear similar suit. Disaster!)
Julie Seagle
You’re warped.
Finn is God
You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my “warped” label with pride. On my lapel. A lapel label!
Finn is God
You have no impending events yourself?
Julie Seagle
I’ve been taking it easy since the Polar Plunge. A frail girl like myself only has so much stamina, you know.
Finn is God
Ha! Weak you are not. I was very impressed by your daring feat. Terrified, but impressed. But maybe you have a date yourself…?
Julie Seagle
Nope. Not interested in anyone here.
Finn is God
Good. Just checking. I mean, you should go out with whomever you want, of course.
Julie Seagle
Oh.
Finn is God
But I don’t want you to go out with anyone. Is that unfair of me?
Julie Seagle
It would be unfair if I were not going out with anyone else just because you didn’t want me to. I’m waiting.
Finn is God
Waiting for what?
Julie Seagle
Just waiting. Maybe waiting for you. (Which, as it turns out, is a lot like waiting for Godot.) But that sounds crazy.
Finn is God
I’m glad you’re maybe waiting for me, crazy girl. (FYI, that play is based on one of my past lives, but I totally didn’t get any financial kickback. Publishing bastards!) And Julie, my dear, you get to see me all the time… in flat form. I’m dashing, yes?
Julie Seagle
A regular heartthrob, although I’m dying to catch sight of a three-dimensional you someday.
Finn is God
Believe me, I’ve thought about a three-dimensional you plenty.
Julie Seagle
I’m hoping that just sounds creepier than it actually is. Hey, Finn?
Finn is God
Yeeeeeessss?
Julie Seagle
Remember when I was stuck in the elevator? We got interrupted.
Finn is God
We did.
Julie Seagle
I want to know how the skydiving story ends. What you say to me and how we land.
Finn is God
OK. I was hoping you’d ask. I’ll tell you.
Finn is God
When we last saw our hero and heroine, they had just pulled the chute and were drifting. What will happen next, concerned viewer? Will our brave couple have their chute torn to shreds by a savage vampire seagull? Will a freakish tornado appear and suck them into a swirling wind current? Stay tuned…
Julie Seagle
Finn!
Finn is God
Ohhhhhh. You want the good version.
Julie Seagle
Yes.
Finn is God
The slow version.
Julie Seagle
Yes.
Finn is God
The hot version.
Julie Seagle
Yes.
Finn is God
I gotcha. I like that one better too. Ready? Here we go…
So we’ve pulled the chute, and we’re drifting, riding the sky. It’s just you and me. You can hear me now that we’re falling like this, remember? I tell you that I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to land and reach the real world, because I like our world up here better.
Finn is God
I tell you that I like being this close to you and how you feel against me. But now even I’m hesitant to jump. I’m afraid that when we hit the ground, this will be over. We’ll land and this feeling between us will vanish. That you won’t feel it any longer. I can’t stand that thought.
Julie’s hands shook as she wrote.
Julie Seagle
I’ll still feel it.
Finn is God
You think?
Julie Seagle
I know.
Finn is God
Then we can land now. I wait until we are just the right distance from the ground. We’re coming in hard, so I tell you to start moving your legs like you’re running. You feel your feet hit the grass, and we run together for a few feet, before the force of our landing throws me forward. I fall into you, pushing you down. I’m afraid I’m going to crush you, but I catch myself with my hands, holding my weight up. We’re both breathing hard, the thrill from the jump still coursing through us.
Well, now he’d done it: Julie was riled up. This was getting too heated to deny, and she wasn’t going to pretend that what he was writing was not totally turning her on.
Finn is God
Landing feels different than you thought it would. You’d pictured what it would be like and how you might react. As many times as you’d gone over this in your head, it’s completely different. All the signs were there telling you how it would be, but it’s not what you thought. It’s just as good—maybe even better—just not what you expected. You can look back now and see how you should have known, but you were focusing on the facts instead of the feeling.
Finn is God
I reach between us and release the buckles that are holding us together. This is when I really panic. The ride up in the plane didn’t scare me. Or the height, or the jump, or the noise. None of that scared me. Right now, only one thing does.
Julie Seagle
Tell me.
Finn is God
I’m terrified that when I undo that buckle and release you, that you’ll get up and walk away from me. I can’t think of anything more excruciating.
Julie Seagle
I told you I wouldn’t do that. I won’t leave.
Finn is God
I’m still worried. If I roll you over so that you’re facing me, you won’t stop me?
Julie Seagle
I definitely won’t stop you.
Finn is God
Then that’s what I do. I tell you to close your eyes. You listen while I tell you how I feel about you. That I think about you all the time, and I can’t get you out of my head. I ask you to ignore everything you think you know and to listen only to your heart, without doubting anything. Can you do that?
Julie Seagle
Of course I can.
Finn is God
Then I kiss you, and I make you feel everything that I feel.
Holy….
Julie was pretty sure that she stopped breathing. What she wouldn’t do to have him here with her right now, telling her these things and kissing her…
Julie Seagle
You have to come home.
Finn is God
I know. Let me think for a minute.
The wait was interminable. Then finally he wrote.
Finn is God
This summer. I can’t make it happen before then.
Julie Seagle
I’ll take it.
Finn is God
Don’t tell anyone, though. Just in case. I’d feel bad enough letting you down, and it would be worse with Celeste.
Julie Seagle
Got it. But you’ll try? I mean really try this time? Not like at Christmas.
Finn is God
Yes. Tonight, I’d do just about anything for you. Unless, of course, it involves getting out of my seat right now. I don’t want to creep out my host family.
Julie laughed, and it took her a minute to type without hitting the wrong keys.
Julie Seagle
OK, well… ahem… take your time. I should get some sleep. Or try. It’s late here. (I can’t remember where you are!)
Finn is God
I don’t even know where I am anymore. Get some rest. I’ll talk to you soon.
Before she shut down the computer, she copied and pasted their chat into a text file. Yes, it was embarrassing and sort of silly, but she liked having all of their chats so that she could reread them later. This one she would be rereading for sure. Many times.
Chapter 25
“It’s midnight. What do you think the girls are doing?” Julie asked Matt. “I bet they’re giggling and doing each others’ hair.” She spun around in his swivel chair while he lounged on his bed, adding music to his iTunes library.
“Oh, my God, probably!” Matt said in a stupidly high-pitched voice. “Or, like, maybe they’re talking about Robert Pattinson! Or Justin Bieber! Oh, my God!”
“I can’t believe it. Matthew! You made a reference to pop culture.” Julie clapped her hands to her cheeks, feigning utter delight. “Actually two references. I’m stunned and so proud.”
“I’m incredibly well-rounded. And it’s almost one, not midnight.”
“Really?” Julie couldn’t believe how late it was. She’d been hanging out in Matt’s room for hours, listening to music. It turned out that there was, shockingly, some overlap in their musical taste.
“Seriously, I think things went well. You can’t deny that your sister was completely excited for this party. She looked awesome, and she got the best gift for Rachel. Plus, Flat Finn is totally hidden in that bag. Nobody will know.”
“She did look happy,” Matt admitted. “Maybe you were right. I met Rachel for a minute when I dropped Celeste off. She actually seems like a nice girl.”
“Will wonders never cease? I would’ve assumed Rachel was a complete hellion.” Julie smirked. “Why aren’t you out tonight? Celeste is gone for the first time, so you should be taking advantage, don’t you think?”
“Not with my parents gone for the weekend. I wouldn’t feel right.”
“I’d be here! Where’d they go again?”
“I don’t remember. A Harvard retreat in Maine.”
“Oh.” Julie stopped spinning in the chair. “I’m sorry. You must be fed up with being left in charge?”
“Well, once in a while they get tired of the local takeout and need to venture elsewhere to assess the culinary situation in other cities. I understand that.”
“I accept your deflection and raise you another question. How was your date with Dana last night? I haven’t heard from her all day. Where did you take her? You should be out with her again tonight.”
Matt put on a new song. “We had dinner together.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Details!”
“We ate at a Portuguese restaurant in Central Square. I had codfish cakes for an appetizer and then stewed octopus with potatoes and red wine sauce.”
Julie sat patiently, waiting for him to say more. “That’s it?”
“I don’t think that I’d order the octopus again. I’m still tasting the tentacles.”
“Come on, Matt. Did you like her? What did you wear? Are you going out again?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I can see I’ll get nowhere fast on this subject. Like most subjects with you. God forbid you spontaneously produce informative dialogue on your own.” She glared at him. “Excuse me, I have to make a phone call about a study group.”
“At this hour?”
“College students don’t go to bed until at least three. It’s a college requirement. You sign a contract when you’re accepted.”
She pulled her cell from her pocket and dialed.
Dana picked up right away. “Hey. You calling for info on last night?”
“Of course.”
“It was interesting.”
“Elaborate.”
“What did he say?”
“I don’t have my notes in front of me. Sorry.”
“Matt is standing right there, isn’t he?”
“Absolutely.”
“We had dinner. He paid, which was nice. It’s true that he’s not physically my type, but I couldn’t have cared less. You know, there’s something rather sexy and mysterious about him. He had excellent manners and was totally sweet and polite. And you were right. He is smart as hell. I don’t know why you’ve never let me come over to the house, because he’s not completely abnormal. Fine, he is a little bit, but I liked him.”
“So you found the article I gave you helpful. How did the study group end for you?”
“You want to know if we messed around?”
“Yes.”
“He is a delicious kisser.”
Julie nearly dropped the phone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get your interpretation. I’ve never heard that fact before.”
“Seriously. He’s totally fantastic. We made out in the car in front of my apartment. He’s got great hands, too. He did this cool thing where he slid his fingers under—”
“OK, OK. I get the gist. That’s… That’s very good to know. When is the next group getting together?”
“Oh, lord, I’m not going out with him again.”
“The study group is losing members?”
“Hell, yes.”
“Even after the good grades?”
“First of all, he talked the entire time. The entire time.”
“Really? About what?”
“That leads into the second issue.”
“Which is?”
“And before you say anything, no, it wasn’t the Evolution is Following Me shirt.” Dana laughed. “Jules, you have a major problem.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’ll figure it out. That’s all I’m saying. Look he’s a great guy, he’s just not for me. Anyway, I have to go. I’m outside Jamie’s dorm.”
“Are you kidding me? That sounds like a dumb idea.”
“Hey, I’m weak. Sue me. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Julie hung up. Matt had loaded a new playlist and was tapping his foot. Why had Dana said that thing about his hands? And his kissing? Ugh. How was she ever going to look at him again? She wasn’t supposed to know stuff like that about Matt.
“Sorry,” she said. “Important stuff about my study group.”
“Sounded like it. I’m going to get something to drink.” Matt stood up. “And how’s Dana?”
“Oh.” Julie looked away. His stupid hands seemed to be ridiculously noticeable all of a sudden. “Ahem. She’s fine. Sorry.”
Julie groaned to herself after Matt stepped out. How mortifying. And now she had to erase the image of him engaging in anything other than pecking at the keyboard, making sandwiches for Celeste, or folding geeky T-shirts.
Julie heard the house phone ring, and she quickly sat up.
A few minutes later she heard Matt race down the stairs, and then noises echoed up to his room. What was he doing?
Julie hurried downstairs. “Matt?”
She found him in the kitchen, furiously checking all the cubbies on the wall. “Where the hell are my keys?” He touched his jean pockets and then and scanned the countertops.
“I think they’re hanging by the front door. Where are you going?”
Matt brushed past her, and she followed him into the hallway.
He stopped as he grabbed the door handle and then turned around and faced her, furious. “I told you. God damn it, I told you, Julie!” He was screaming at her now.
She took a step back. She’d never seen him look like this. “What are you talking about?”
“Rachel’s mother just called from the party. Celeste is having a meltdown.”
“What happened?” Julie took her sweatshirt off of the coat rack and started to follow him out. “She seemed so sure of herself.”
“No!” he said pointing at her. “You are not coming with me.”
“Matt? Please. I can help. I can talk—”
“No! You did this, I’ll fix it.”
Matt slammed the door behind him.
Frantic, she walked back and forth, roaming from room to room. Finn. Finn would know what to do.
She messaged him, praying he was around.
Finn, are you there? I screwed up. Really badly. The sleepover I told you about went terribly. Matt is getting her now, and I don’t know what to do. They’ll never forgive me. Maybe you won’t either.
Finn was nowhere to be found online. Julie couldn’t even remember where he was now. Back in Africa? Yugoslavia? Turkey? Libya? Oh, for Christ’s sake, that wasn’t it. Nobody goes to Libya. She waited another few minutes and then sent another message, her hands shaking as she tried to get the words out:
Please, Finn. I need you. I don’t know what to do. Maybe you’re angry with me now, too, but tell me how to make this better. Or at least less dreadful.
Peeking out the window every few minutes was not bringing Celeste home any faster, so she sat on the couch in the living room. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Matt had a tendency to overreact when it came to his sister. He didn’t give her enough credit. Still, Julie felt her stomach knot up with dread, because as much as she wanted them to get home, she also didn’t want to face them.
Finally, the Volvo pulled into the driveway. Julie swung the door open and watched as Matt rounded the front of the car and opened the passenger door. She couldn’t stand this, and she looked away for a moment, trying to regroup. Then Matt was walking toward her, Celeste in his arms, an awful mix of rage and fear in his eyes. His sister—her friend—looked like a little kid, her arms around his neck and her head buried in his shirt, her body trembling as she sobbed uncontrollably. The anguish in her crying was crushing.
Julie’s heart broke.
Celeste had come undone.
Chapter 26
Matt pushed past Julie and carried Celeste up to her room. Julie followed them, but heard the bedroom door shut before she had even reached the landing.
Flat Finn. He was still in the car. She raced outside and returned with the messenger bag. Outside Celeste’s room, Julie fumbled with the zipper and hoped that this would help a bit. She set Flat Finn onto the carpet and slowly started the process of unfolding him, carefully securing each hinge in the open position. She rubbed her arm across her eyes and moved Flat Finn to standing. As the sobs from behind the door grew louder and more pained, Julie bit her lip and looked at Flat Finn, imagining that the real Finn was here, about to comfort his sister and make this hell disappear.
You have to come home. You have to come home, she repeated to herself. I know damn well that this is about more than just missing you, but you have to come home for her.
Julie slumped to the floor and pulled her legs in, dropping her head down and rhythmically rocking her body. It seemed an eternity until Celeste’s moans subsided, and she could hear Matt’s voice comforting her.
The door opened, and Julie jerked her head up. “Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”
He held his hand up. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.”
She stood up and delicately lifted Flat Finn. He looked so fragile now with all of the hinges. Like a puzzle that had been taped together. Just like Celeste. She walked past Matt and into the bedroom, setting Flat Finn down next to the bed. A head full of blond curls rolled over, and Celeste reached her hand out. Julie took it in her own and knelt down. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” She fought to keep back tears as she brushed the hair from Celeste’s face.
“I am much better now.” Her voice was surprisingly calm. “Julie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I do. I need to apologize to you.”
“What? What could you possibly have to apologize for?”
“I let you down. You must be horribly disappointed in me.”
“Never. You could never disappoint me. You were so brave. Braver than I am. I just pushed too hard.”
“No, you did not.” Celeste pulled her blanket up. “You didn’t. I wanted to go.”
“I know you did. But I made a mistake. It wasn’t the right time. Too many hinges too soon.”
Celeste yawned and looked at Flat Finn. “No. The hinges are debonair, but folded-up, hidden Finn is not always the same. Especially at night. The night appears to be the hardest for me without him. For now. He makes me feel better, Julie. I understand that his sort is not for everybody, but I find him comforting.”
Julie nodded. “I know. I find his sort comforting, too, if you can believe it.”
“I do. Now, I must get some sleep. Please tell Matty that I really am less convoluted. I am significantly calmer.”
“I will.” Julie leaned in and hugged Celeste tightly. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She let herself out, blowing kisses from the doorway, as though she were tucking in a small child.
Matt was leaning against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Matt…” Julie pleaded.
“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”
“Well, you did.”
“If you would just let me explain again why—”
“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy emails a year.”
His words cut deeply. “That’s not fair.” Julie felt herself breathing hard as she tried to deal with his anger. His disgust.
“It is fair. And Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.”
“I know that. I never… I never said you were.” Julie knew her lip was trembling, but she was not going to cry in front of Matt again.
“And you know what the most unbelievable part of this is? I listened to you! I knew better, and yet I let you barrel ahead and do what you wanted anyway. I’m the one to blame for what happened tonight.”
Julie shook her head. “No, Matt. I know I did this. I’m sorry. Please know that. I couldn’t possibly feel worse. But don’t you see that Celeste can’t spend the rest of her life avoiding the real world? And neither can you.”
“Why not, huh?” He was still shouting, and Julie winced with each word. “The real world sucks for her.”
“What about for you?”
“Sometimes, yes.”
“So when are you going to start living, Matt?” Now she was the one screaming. “You’re taking the easy way out. You use Celeste as an excuse to do nothing except drown in theories and calculations. You bury yourself online and—”
“You’re one to talk about burying oneself online.” His laugh had a nasty, horrible tone. “I’m taking the easy way out? I’m not fawning over someone I’ve never met, someone who isn’t even here. You’re the one playing it safe because you’re too afraid of something real.”
“Don’t go there,” Julie said sharply.
“Now who’s the one with boundaries, huh?” He started walking back and forth. “When it comes to Celeste, you don’t even know what you’re dealing with, so stay out of it.”
“No, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I don’t understand anything, because none of you will tell me! Why are your parents never here?” she exploded. “Why does she have Flat Finn? Why won’t you tell me?”
“I can’t, Julie! I just can’t! It’s none of your business. How many times do you have to hear it?”
She looked helplessly at Matt. She’d never seen him like this. “OK. OK. I’m done.” She held her hands up. “I’m out of it. I just… I just wanted to help. I shouldn’t have.” She was quieter now, giving in. “You’re right. You handle this however you want.”
“Obviously, Julie, you don’t like the way I do things, and you don’t like me the way I am. Fine. I could care less. But stop trying to change me. You don’t get to pick which parts of me you find acceptable to your standards and throw away what you don’t. I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.”
She was so confused. This conversation was all over the place, and she didn’t even know what was happening. “How could you say that? I do like you, Matt.”
He turned away and walked toward his room. “I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting me.”
“Matt, please—”
“Go to hell, Julie.”
Frozen, Julie could not move from her spot in the hall. She could barely breathe. What had happened? How could Matt have said all those things?
Maybe she had been pushy and nosy and should have left things alone. Just because she was staying in their house didn’t mean she had the right to needle into their affairs. Truly, her intention had never been to be intrusive or disrespectful. But she obviously had. Her professor had pointed this out to her, too. Why do you have to be the fixer?
She didn’t. She shouldn’t. She was just a guest here. A boarder, a babysitter, a driver.
Eventually she found herself in her room, lying on top of the blankets, unable to sleep. Finn’s room felt different now, empty and lonely. Her emotions were on overload, and the sounds of Celeste’s cries and Matt’s awful words echoed in her head.
He could be right about her father. It was true that she had given him far too many chances, only for him to prove over and over again that he was a dreadful parent. He had never given her any real reason to love him. But she had.
It was different with Finn, though. Matt was wrong about him. He did care about her.
She checked the clock. It was almost four in the morning. The night had been so peaceful until that phone call. Now everything was in shambles.
After another forty-five minutes of anxiety-ridden attempts to sleep, she gave up. She checked her computer, and there were no messages from Finn. Of all the times for him to disappear. Her heart ached. She missed him and needed him now. Summer couldn’t come fast enough. Finn would be here, and he’d stay here. And Celeste would be better. Maybe not completely, but she would be better.
Roaming the room and staring out the window at the night sky got her nowhere. She couldn’t tolerate this. She hated fighting. It made clear thought impossible for her. Everything was in chaos.
Julie left her room and went into the dark hallway. She hesitated for a moment before she knocked lightly. There was no response. She couldn’t stop herself and opened the door anyway. “Matt?”
Julie walked softly across the floor and sat down on the edge of his bed. “Matty,” she said.
The moonlight was enough that she could see he was awake, just not answering her. He was on his back, one hand folded under his head and the other resting on his chest. He turned to look at her. At least he looked as miserable as she felt.
“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Her voice was breaking. She knew that she was on the verge of falling apart, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m so sorry. Id som so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” Julie leaned forward, dropping her head onto his chest and slipping her arms under his shoulders, trying to make him hold her. The Matt she’d seen earlier tonight had been a stranger. She hugged him tightly, wanting nothing more than for him to come back to her, to be himself again.
A few minutes passed, and then she felt his hand on the back of her head, gently stroking her hair. She closed her eyes.
“Shhh…” he said. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.”
Julie turned her head, resting her cheek against him and listening to his breathing. His voice was soothing, his touch relaxing, and Julie’s pain began to lighten a hint. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing, staying where she was as his hand continued to move through her hair and then to her back. He lulled her into a place where nothing hurt anymore, and this whole dreadful evening started to feel like a nightmare that she was coming out of. His stroke traveled over the straps of her tank top, brushing against her skin, making her shiver and curl into him more.
“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt was sincerely upset. She could hear it. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. Like she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I never should have said what I did.”
“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.”
“I know. That’s all right.” She kept her tight hold around him, as if letting go might break his absolution, and he would again let loose with more cruel blame.
The rush and tension from their earlier scene had started to wane, and she was feeling drowsy, settled into a post-fight haze. Like she’d been drugged with relief.
The air felt chilly, and his touch was giving her goose bumps. Julie shivered again.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Yeah. A little.”
As Matt moved his legs over in the bed, she eased in next to him, sliding under the blanket, onto her side and into the crook of his arm. His hand was still on her back, his fingertips starting to trace the curve of her shoulder blade, moving up to brush the nape of her neck, then traveling up and down her arm. She took his free hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.
He squeezed back.
“So we’re still friends?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”
He didn’t hate her. They were fine. Celeste would be fine. This would all work out, and there was no irrevocable damage. Nothing else mattered.
Now fatigue took over and Julie yawned. She was so completely tired and so emotionally spent. The night had drained her of any ability to reason, but she felt peaceful for the moment, grounded. Eventually, Matt’s touch against her skin slowed, and his breathing changed, and she knew that he’d fallen asleep. It was impossible to fight the heaviness that was drawing at her now, so she let the sound of his slumber pull her into her own.
Later—still in his arms, her hand still in his—she stirred.
She felt him lightly kiss the top of her head and say something. He was so quiet that she could barely hear him.
Julie sleepily tilted her head up.
“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he said.
“Me, too.”
And then without realizing it, without thinking, she inched up just a little until her mouth was close to his. She had no idea what she was doing, as though she were following some instinct that she couldn’t control. Maybe she was still asleep. Maybe this wasn’t happening. She moved a tiny bit closer, barely touching her lips to his. His mouth was warm and tempting, luring her in. Neither of them moved.
Then his hand was firmly on her side, guiding her body up higher and bringing her mouth closer to his. Matt pressed his lips against hers and he kissed her.
His mouth was soft and unhurried. Teasing, even. His tongue just brushing hers and making her tremble. She kissed back, tasting him, breathing him in. Julie was dizzy, and shaky, and inundated with his heat. He made her temporarily lost, not able to see beyond the way this kiss felt. In the moonlit light, it was smooth, easy, instinctive. She moved her leg over his, bringing them closer together.
She couldn’t possibly be awake.
Her chest was pressed against his, his hand on her lower back, his fingers digging into her skin. She didn’t want this to stop. She moved one hand to the back of his neck, kissing him harder.
But then Matt tightened his hand around hers before gently resting his head back onto the pillow. He pushed the hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Julie didn’t move for a second. This was nuts. She lowered her body and nestled back into his chest. As bleary-eyed, stunned, and out-of-it as she was, part of her knew that she should get up and go back to her room. Even though that was the last thing that she wanted to do. And part of her knew that what had just happened was unexplainable. It must be a dream.
It had to be.
But she didn’t care too much, at least for right now, because the horrible rift between them was healed. That was the most important thing.
I should go, she told herself. I’m supposed to leave. Julie shut her eyes. Why don’t I want to leave? Why don’t I want to leave?
But she simply couldn’t stay awake long enough to convince herself to get out of his bed. Julie surrendered to sleep, letting her body shape against Matt’s as he held her closely.
Chapter 27
Matthew Watkins took the “Which random number are you?” quiz and the result was: 3. Which is lame, because 3 is, like, the least random number there is.
Finn is God So much for Earth Day. I totally screwed things up and started celebrating the wrong planet. Now I have to collect all these stupid trademarked dog figurines that I distributed all over the yard. At least it’s better last year’s mistake when I had butt statues everywhere.
Julie Seagle I like the gritty intensity of Jaws 4. There is a simple honesty to the storytelling that is utterly compelling. Plus, the shark roars.
Julie rolled over and opened her eyes, squinting against the sunlight that blasted her in the face.
Holy…
She was in Matt’s bed. Alone, thank God. At least there was no tragic wake-up-in-each-others’-arms moment. She yanked the sheet up over her head and ran over what had happened last night.
This didn’t have to be a big deal. They had both been emotional, and so things and taken an unexpected turn. Nothing major. People hook up all the time, right? And not that she and Matt had even really hooked up. A tiny little kiss between friends.
Shit.
“Julie?”
She pulled the sheet down and peeked out. Matt was leaning into his room and quite obviously avoiding making eye contact.
“Celeste is cooking breakfast.” He cleared his throat. “You went for a run, and you just got back. That’s why you weren’t in your room when she went to wake you up.”
“When exactly did I take up running? I never knew this about myself.”
“Next time you can come up with something better.” He paused. “Not that there’s going to be a next time. I just meant… Maybe you should… you know…”
“Got it. Getting up now. I was never here.” Julie rubbed her hands over her face. “Tell Celeste that I’m in the shower, and I’ll be right down.”
“OK.”
“Wait a minute.” She sat up. “Celeste is making breakfast? She’s feeling all right?”
“Apparently.”
Matt disappeared, and she scrambled to her room. Julie made a face at her unruly reflection in the mirror, grabbed some clothes, and hit the shower. Hopefully Celeste had made a giant pot of coffee, too, because four hours of sleep were not going to cut it.
By the time she took a seat next to Flat Finn and Matt at the kitchen table, the smell of a full breakfast had filled the house. She eyed the bowl of cut-up strawberries, the tray of scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausage, and the butter, syrup, and carafe of coffee suspiciously. The table had been set with the good dishes and cloth napkins. Why was Celeste in such a good mood?
“Good morning,” Celeste chirped as she ladled pancake batter onto a skillet.
“Good morning,” Julie answered hesitantly. “This is very nice of you to cook all this.”
“I wanted to. Let me finish with the pancakes, and then we can discuss things.”
“Looking forward to it,” she lied.
Julie kept her head down and pretended to be captivated by garage sales listings in the newspaper.
“Go ahead and start eating. The pancakes will be ready in a second.”
Julie and Matt both reached for the eggs at the same time, causing a flurry of apologies and “go aheads.”
Ta da! This is why you don’t kiss platonic friends that you live with. Or sleep in their beds. Or let them run their hands all over your arms and shoulders and make you tingle inappropriately…
Julie stuffed her mouth with food so that she wouldn’t have to talk and continued not reading the paper. There was a way to make sense of what had happened last night: After months of being all fired up about Finn, she had transferred her pent-up physical frustrations to Matt. And Matt had probably been in the mood because of his date with Dana the night before. Of course it was sort of disgusting and tacky that she’d kissed the same guy her friend had been making out with the night before. What was wrong with her? And what the hell had Matt been thinking? Perhaps Matt was just a big old slut who ran around Boston kissing every girl he met, and he’d been waiting for the right time to add Julie to his list. At least that way the kiss would be as meaningless to him as it was to her.
She glanced up for a second and caught him looking at her.
This was all understandable, she reasoned. They did have a certain comfort level with each other, so it was not completely freakish that they had blurred the lines for a moment after an emotionally trying evening.
And Julie had probably done the typical girl thing, which is to try and make things better by giving a guy what he wants: physical contact. That’s what guys understand, right? It wasn’t like they’d gotten naked or anything, but she was probably responsible for the kiss. She’d been desperate for him to forgive her and in her weak, drained state, she’d tried to patch things up with something sexual. Well, not sexual, meaning that they had almost had sex. Not even close. And not that either of them had been thinking about it. Ridiculous. She was certainly not attracted to him that way, and Matt was probably more turned on by megabytes and firewalls and bit torrents than he was by her.
Of course, he had been the one trailing his fingers across…
Whatever.
Matt had to be just as regretful as she was.
Besides, he’d said that everything he had yelled at her wasn’t true, therefore that meant she was, in fact, like family. Making him a brother figure, the way she’d always thought. Except that you don’t kiss you brother on the mouth. Especially with tongue. And you don’t press your body into his and get all momentarily hot and dreamy. At least you’re not supposed to.
Again, shit.
But it’s not like he’d tried to do anything else. His hands hadn’t moved anywhere good. Well, not good. She didn’t mean that. Improper. Indecent. Lewd. Vulgar. Naughty. Christ, now was not the time to turn into a thesaurus. The point was that it wasn’t as though he’d been grinding against her and whispering dirty things into her ear. Although now that she thought about it, maybe she should be offended that he hadn’t. Not that she would have let him.
Wait a minute. She had moved her leg over his, and he had stopped kissing her first.
Oh. Matt thought she was a terrible kisser. Bastard. She was so not going to look over at him now.
Julie slugged down half a cup of coffee. Finn. That’s really what this had been about, she was sure. Finn and his steamy messages had her in a perpetually needy state. Plus, it had been a while since she and Seth had broken up, and she was just some horny college student using whatever guy she’d crawled into bed with.
No, that wasn’t right either. Julie wasn’t like that. She was just talking in circles.
Celeste set a plate piled with pancakes on the table and sat down. “Wow. You are both quite hungry today, I see. You didn’t leave me any eggs, and there is only one piece of sausage left.”
Apparently the mutual method of stuffing face to avoid talking that she and Matt had been employing had gone too far.
“Sorry,” Matt said with a full mouth.
“It’s okay. I can make more. I wanted to talk to you both.”
“Sure. That’s a good idea,” Julie said.
“We need to discuss what happened between you two last night.”
Matt started to choke on his food, and Julie knew her face blanched. It seemed that Celeste hadn’t bought Matt’s dumb story about Julie going running.
Ugh. Julie didn’t want anybody to know about this, least of all Celeste. And Finn, of course. Matt wouldn’t tell Finn would he? Was she supposed to tell Finn? Dear Finn, I accidentally sucked face with your brother. Apologies! How are the Venezuelan orphans? She touched her hand to the stone that rested on her chest. The necklace was usually a near-constant reminder of him. Apparently she hadn’t paid any attention to that last night.
Flat Finn seemed to chastise her from his position at the table. Julie stabbed her eggs and glared at the arrogant cutout. Shut up.
Celeste casually drizzled syrup over her plate. “I’m extremely upset with you two.”
“It’s really not a big deal,” Matt mumbled.
“Totally not,” Julie agreed and busied herself selecting strawberries from the bowl.
“It is indeed a big deal. Everything has changed between you two, and I don’t like it one bit. I heard everything, and I’m extremely displeased.”
Julie and Matt both stayed silent. What exactly did Celeste hear? Had there been slurpy kissing sounds? Inadvertent moans of ecstasy? Oh my God, Julie had not been that out of it, had she? It was one silly, insignificant kiss. There had been no lusty heaving. Definitely not.
Matt rubbed his eyes. “Celeste, what are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?” She looked at them curiously. Annoyingly hopeful, even. “Did something else happen?”
“Nothing. Um… nothing,” Julie muttered. “Go ahead.”
“I heard that entire terrible argument you two had.”
“The argument. Yes, that,” Matt said.
In the wake of the sleep-in-Matt’s-bed incident, she had almost forgotten.
“I’m furious with both of you. But mostly with you, Matt.” Celeste jabbed her fork in his direction. “I have never known you to be so malicious. Julie has been nothing but a saint, so don’t you ever scream at her like that again. And, Julie, you were frankly not all that nice either. Matt is doing the best that he can with me, and I have not made things easy for him. I love you both, but there will be no more disputes regarding me and Flat Finn. While I am infinitely grateful for all that you have done for me, I’m going to take a more active role in managing myself. It’s time. Understand? There will be no more talking behind my back. I may be in junior high school. You two aren’t. Act like it.” Celeste looked back and forth between them and raised her eyebrows. “Are you still mad at each other? Do you need to kiss and make up?”
Julie shook her head violently. “No. I don’t think that’s necessary. Matt and I are fine.” She looked across the table, finally looking Matt in the eyes. “Right, Matt?”
“Yes. We are.” He looked truthful enough.
“Don’t ever fight like that again. Ever,” Celeste instructed. “The unexpected good news is that I had a remarkably good time at Rachel’s. Well, until the end, of course.”
“You… You did?” Matt asked.
“Yes. I really did.” She helped herself to more pancakes. “Rachel is a very nice girl. She and I actually have some things in common. It’s true that she is not the most popular girl at school, and I guess I like that about her. She’s in almost all of my classes and scored better on our last history exam than I did. I think I did a nice job of blending in last night. I was even asked to recap one of the first episodes of Pretty Little Liars, which I did to perfection, I might add. Anyway, the night was quite enjoyable until it was time to sleep. The dark does funny things to me, and my head gets besieged with unsettled thoughts. Rachel’s mother found me in the bathroom crying, and she was nice enough to offer to tell the other girls that I’d come down with a stomach bug and that’s why I left. Anyhow, I have a few things to tell you.”
“Go ahead,” a stunned Matt said.
“First of all, I would like to start walking to and from school by myself. So Julie, that means that you won’t need to drive me. I’m ready. Flat Finn won’t need to come with me. I still need him, just not all the time.”
“Oh. Sure.” Julie did her best to look supportive, despite being unnerved somehow.
“The second piece of news is not necessarily information one would typically present at the breakfast table, but now is as good a time as any to say that I got my period yesterday morning.”
Matt groaned loudly and covered his ears. “Celeste! Really? You need to tell me about this… development?”
Celeste shot him an annoyed look. “Matthew, it’s not a big deal. I simply thought I should let everyone know. And, no, I do not need any information on what it means to be a woman. It’s a biological change that has occurred, and I thought it important to inform you.”
“Do you, er, think that’s why you were so, you know…?” Matt fumbled for words pathetically.
“No,” Celeste said. “Nobody gets their period for the first time and has a nervous breakdown next to a Kohler toilet. Men have such stupid ideas about menstruation, don’t they, Julie? But it is an indicator that I am maturing, and it brought up other issues for me. Thus the dramatic crying and Flat Finn freak-out. Also, speaking of growing up, I really need a bra. Even though I am not exactly billowing out of my clothes, there is finally something happening there. The silly sports bras Mom bought for me are ugly. Unless you feel like taking me shopping, Matt, I would like to go to the mall with another girl.”
“Um… Absolutely. Yes. I mean, if that’s what you think should… er, happen. If there is a rush on this… purchase necessity.” Poor Matt was really struggling with what to say. “Julie could, I assume, assist in the buying of…”
“We can go to the mall. Sure.” Julie tried to shake herself out of her state of shock following Celeste’s slew of revelations. She looked cautiously at Matt. “You don’t mind my taking her?” Considering that last night she had promised to stay out of things, she was hesitant to help Celeste in any new endeavors.
He averted his gaze, but shook his head. “Of course not. You should.”
“Or maybe your mother would prefer to take you when she gets home?” Julie offered.
“I suppose I could ask her. I’ll try, although she’s not terribly interested in me. And,” Celeste continued, “I would like to have Rachel come to the house some day. She wears unattractive wire glasses, and her hair is a frightful mess. I might be able to help her. Plus, she knows nothing about the Phanerozoic eon, and I know quite a bit because Finn was a dinosaur nut when he was younger.”
It was hard to know what to say following this unexpected outpouring. So much had changed in the past twelve hours with Celeste. And between her and Matt. Everything felt different.
“Maybe this summer we could all go to the beach together? Plum Island is lovely as long as it’s not horsefly season. And I’d like to paint my room. Yellow. Or fern green. That would be a nice summer project. Julie, I could use your assistance in choosing the right color.”
Before she could answer, Matt jumped in. “I’m sure Julie will be busy this summer, Celeste. She’ll probably have her own place by then, right?”
Julie startled. Getting her own place would make sense. It just hadn’t occurred to her. Of course she’d have to move out. Roger and Erin had generously put her up for the year, but what was she going to do? Stay here until she graduated? That was ridiculous, and they were too polite to ask her directly to move out. Besides, she was taking up Finn’s room, and he would be home soon enough. “Yes, I assume so.”
Celeste frowned. “Will we still see each other?”
“Absolutely. We can make a weekly girls’ date.”
“It won’t be the same, will it?”
“No. It won’t. But it will still be special.”
“There’s probably a bunch of apartments opening up for July first. Or June, even,” Matt said.
“Great. Thanks,” Julie said weakly.
An unpleasant feeling in her chest grew as she started to absorb the idea of not living at the Watkins house. This had become her home.
Except it felt less like home if Matt didn’t want her here.
Stupid kissing. Stupid roaming hands. Stupid boys.
“I’ll start looking for an apartment today. I could probably be out of here just after classes end. I’ll try for June first.”
“Julie, I didn’t mean—”
“Obviously, I’m moving out, Matt,” she said sneering. “Obviously.”
Matt looked everywhere but at the two girls, while Julie urgently checked on those garage sale details again in the paper.
Celeste maintained a rather bemused look on her face. “This is an unusual morning we’re all having, isn’t it?”
Julie stood up and took her plate to the sink. “Were you thinking more Lady Grace or more Victoria’s Secret?”
Matt nearly fainted.
Chapter 28
Matthew Watkins I need an afternoon pick-me-up. I accept cash and/or prizes that can be exchanged for cash. Also, hobbits.
Finn is God If you get off your high horse, you’ll notice that it, too, poops.