Julie Seagle Mixed emotions regarding Twitter continue. Am again facing warnings about unprotected Tweets, but it’s not my fault the condom won’t fit over the laptop. “A” for effort and whatnot, I think.
Finn-
I hope you’re sitting down for this: Your mom, Celeste, Celeste’s FRIEND Rachel, and I are all going to some ritzy spa to get our nails done. It was Celeste’s idea to do something with Rachel, and I thought we should start out of the house first. Less FF temptation that way. When I asked Erin about taking the girls, I suggested maybe she’d like to come along, and after a bit of prodding, I got her to agree! I feel weird driving them around in the car like I’m some sort of chauffeur, but at least we’re going somewhere. And lest you start moaning (like Matt) that I’ve turned Celeste into a shallow teen, you should know that our post-manicure events include a trip to the Institute of Contemporary Arts and dinner at some Mongolian restaurant.
Flat Finn is not coming. Boys are not allowed, according to your sister. He is taking the day off (again) in the front hall closet behind what is either a badminton set or a fishing net.
You won’t believe how different Celeste is when you see her. Yes, she’s still extremely quirky and unusual (in a loveable way, of course), but she’s different. She’s happier. Your parents had a meeting at the school with that guidance counselor who I unreasonably hated so much, and he was “extremely impressed and relieved” at how nicely her social skills are coming along. Finn, she is so much more grown up now. Really self-sufficient. Don’t take this the wrong way, but she hasn’t been as obsessed with you and when you’re coming home. (I, however…) I think other parts of her life are taking over. True, she still only has this one real friend, but it’s a start. And she’s going online now and searching for normal teenage stuff, which totally annoys your dad, not to mention Matt. She wants to go to the movies and shopping, etc. Don’t worry, though; she still curls up on the couch with The Iliad or something equally snooty.
To be honest, I miss her sometimes. The “old” Celeste, I mean. I’m still with her plenty, it’s just that she is so much less dependent on other people. I get nostalgic for the Celeste who was so glued to me, the one who looked up to me, the one who freaked out over lip-gloss and a simple trip to the grocery store. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I don’t want that for her. I want her to be who she’s becoming, you know? Lighter and freer. It’s like she was locked in one place, and now she finally sees that movement is possible. She’s not sure which way to turn yet, but she can see the options.
To answer your question from the other day, Matt is fine. I haven’t seen him a lot recently. We’ve both been mobbed with end-of-semester work, but I could use his help with Calculus II with Calculations. I’m dying in that class. He always explains stuff so clearly. Things have still been off since the night of Celeste’s meltdown. Ironically, she came out of it somewhat healed, while it drove a wedge between Matt and me. I feel bad because we were friends. I guess we still are… It’s different though. We used to hang out all the time, and now I barely see him. Not that he’s mean to me, or anything, but I don’t get the impression he wants to be around me anymore. He keeps leaving me little notes with information about apartment rentals. Obviously he can’t wait to get me out of here. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just trying to be helpful. I wish things were better between us. It feels… It just doesn’t feel right like this. It’s abnormal.
You know what’s funny? It’s like you’ve become some diary that I write to. A figment of my imagination. But you’re easy to talk to. Write to. Whatever.
There is no need to panic; I’ll take all of my teddy bears with me and remove the sparkly heart curtains before you get home.
Miss you,
-Julie
Julie-
See if Mom will get little pictures painted on her nails. I think she’d look fab with looooong painted talons, don’t you? It’s totally her.
From everything you’ve been telling me this year about Celeste, I’m not surprised to hear that she has made so many changes. You came into her life and shook up her world in a way that allowed her to still be who she is. You saved her, Julie.
I don’t know what to tell you about Matt. Maybe you feel things are abnormal because HE’S abnormal? Kidding. I shouldn’t joke, because I can tell you’re upset. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt. He’s as mixed up as the rest of the family. I do know that he cares about you. I can promise you that. If he’s being awful, I’m quite sure that it’s not because of anything that you’ve done. He’s just not good at handling people. Or himself, for that matter. Wait it out. Trust me.
Don’t you DARE take the stuffed animals and adorable curtains with you. I am so overloaded with testosterone (grunt!), and those items will help me to embrace my feminine side. A kinder, gentler Finn.
I miss you, too, and I have so much to tell you. I know you think that you already know me—and I love that you can say anything to me—but I just hope that you’ll feel the same way when reality kicks in.
-Finn
Finn-
There is nothing you could say that would change what you mean to me.
-Julie
Julie-
I’ll hold you to that.
-Finn
**********
The neon red nail polish was slightly alarming, but Julie didn’t protest as the manicurist continued lacquering her toenails. Celeste had chosen the shade and insisted that the four of them all get their fingers and toes done in the same color. She had said, “Sharing the same color will indicate that we are all connected.”
“Like gang colors,” Erin had added.
Despite Erin’s reluctance to spend part of the afternoon holed up in a salon, she looked moderately relaxed as her feet soaked in a soapy bath next to Julie. She even tilted her head back into the soft neck rest.
Julie looked across the room at Rachel and Celeste, who were peering at the pages of a magazine in between giggling at something on Rachel’s BlackBerry. Was there any possibility they were snickering over boys? Rachel’s top-of-the-lungs demonstration that she knew the entire periodic table of the elements confirmed that Celeste had been right about Rachel being a bit of an odd duck. But anything other than that wouldn’t have made sense. This pair of awkward, struggling kids had found each other for a reason.
Erin lifted her head and squinted. “Do you suppose I’m required to get Celeste a handheld device of some kind?”
“I don’t think there’s a parental law, no,” Julie said.
“I haven’t been very in tune… attentive, really… to Celeste’s needs. I do realize that. I’m starting to, and I know that I need to. I enjoyed taking her shopping last week. Thank you for suggesting that. And for today.”
Julie smiled softly at her.
“I was pondering taking Celeste down to the Cape with me one weekend this summer. A mother and daughter mini-vacation. Do you think that she would like that?”
Julie nodded. “Very much.” She glanced at her electric-colored toes. “Maybe even a vacation for the whole family?”
“Mmm… That sounds lovely. I’ll look into that. I don’t remember the last time we’ve all spent a longer span of time together.” Erin dropped her head back again.
A family vacation. A foreign concept to Julie. Her father had left her two voicemails and sent three emails in the past few months, all via his secretary. Julie had ignored the first batch of messages, and finally had her own secretary—a Miss Celeste Watkins—respond with a terse email explaining that Ms. Seagle was currently engulfed in important business matters, but would be arranging a never-to-happen dinner appointment shortly.
“So,” Erin said, “Matt says that you’re looking for an apartment?”
“Oh. Yeah, I am. I figured it was about time I got out of your hair.”
“Nonsense. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, although I imagine you’re ready to expand on your collegiate experience.”
Julie felt that stabbing pain in her chest again. It was all Matt’s idea for her to move out. “It might be easier for me to be closer to campus,” she said quietly. “Dana asked me to live with her. Her roommate will be gone right after finals, and I can move in then.”
“That’s so soon. But I know that we’ve kept you cooped up more than could have been fun. You’ve spent your whole year attending to Celeste and studying with Matthew. We’ve been selfish with you.” Erin sighed. “It’s your fault for being so damn special. I do hope that you’ll come around for dinner on occasion. It’s not going to be the same without you.”
Julie bit her lip and then closed her eyes. She felt lonely and awful and couldn’t think of anything to say wouldn’t send her into a crying fit.
“When you have your own place, you can paint and decorate as you like, and not worry about other people in the house. You and Dana will have fun together. Just like your mother and I used to. Matthew’s old room could hardly have been as female-friendly as you would have liked anyway,”
“You mean Finn’s room,” Julie corrected.
“What? No, you’ve been in Matthew’s room. He moved into Finn’s old room a while ago, so his was empty until you got here. It’s been nice having a full house again.”
“I guess I misunderstood…” Julie started. This didn’t make any sense. For a lot of reasons. “I thought—”
“You know what?” Erin said happily. “Coming here was a good idea. I rarely just sit and do nothing. It’s given me a chance to think. I’ve missed my family, Julie. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve helped bring them back to me and me back to them.”
Julie inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to untangle her thoughts.
Then Erin’s hand moved on top of hers and rested there, her wordless touch both disquieting and consoling.
Chapter 29
“You’re not taking the car today?” Matt looked up from his laptop, as Julie crossed through the living room. He was on the couch, wearing a surprisingly text-free red shirt, with his feet kicked up on the coffee table.
“No. I’m going to walk to the T. It’s so nice out.” The words felt slow coming from her mouth, heavy and falsely normal.
“May and June are usually nice, but just wait until summer. Hazy, hot, and humid.”
Julie sat down in one of the hard-backed chairs and rifled through her school bag, making sure she had everything she needed for her last day. After taking one exam this morning and handing in a term paper, she would be done. Most people in her position would feel elated. Instead, a looming sense of uneasiness stayed with her, as it had for the past few weeks.
She flipped through the printed pages of her paper. Even though she had written the paper, her words looked unfamiliar. The letters blended together and swam across the page into meaningless jumbles. She let the paper slip from her hand and fall to the floor.
“Julie? Are you OK?” Matt asked.
“I’m fine,” she said.
“You seem a little off today.”
“I told you that I’m fine.”
Julie put her term paper back into her bag and walked to the front window. She lifted the heavy old pane and didn’t move as a soft breeze blew the sheer curtain against her. The sky was totally clear today, and the world had that fresh, unsoiled smell that late spring brings. That precious scent would likely only last until the July heat and stench tore it away.
She turned and watched Matt as he continued working. “Matty?”
“Yeah?”
“Look at me.”
“What?” he asked.
“Look at me.”
Matt lifted his head. It felt like ages since he had looked right at her, and that spark she often saw in his gray eyes was gone. There had been no back-and-forth banter between them in weeks, no joking about his shirts, no struggling to get her to understand asymptotic methods for her calculus class. She studied his face, trying to figure him out. Trying to understand. He tilted his head to the side, his expression turning solemn as he let her think. But he didn’t turn away.
He looked tired and vulnerable.
He probably had reason to.
Neither of them said a word. She could feel the shift between them, the awful change in dynamics. The loss. She knew he felt it, too.
Finally Julie reached down for her bag. She turned and walked through the front door and into the glaring sunlight.
**********
Dana crossed her legs and tore off a piece of the chocolate croissant. “Want some?” she offered.
Julie shook her head. Her stomach didn’t feel good, and the coffee from Au Bon Pain was not sitting well. She and Dana had been lucky to snag a small bistro table at the packed outdoor café in Harvard Square. It seemed that everyone except Julie had that end-of-the-year high.
“Julie, what’s wrong?” Dana asked. “Something is going on with you. Do you not want to move in with me? It’s not a problem if you don’t. Just because I went ahead and repainted the bedroom for you, doesn’t mean that you should feel at all guilty if you’ve changed your mind.” She smiled. “Seriously. It’s fine.”
“No, that’s not it at all. I can’t wait to move, actually. Less than a week now.”
“Something is wrong. You’re not in a good mood.”
“No,” she agreed. “I’m not.”
“Tell me.”
Julie stared at the chess players next to them. A college student and a gray-haired man concentrated on the black and white pieces that sat on the concrete chess table. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight.
Pawn.
Julie stared at the chess piece. Pawn.
“I should get home and pack some more.”
“If you say so. Hey,” Dana said gently, “you’ll call me if you need me, right? I’ll be there when you’re ready to talk.”
Julie looked at her friend and nodded. “I will.” She picked up her bag to leave, and then stopped. “If I need to move in a few days early, would that be all right?”
“What is going on?” Dana leaned forward. “Is this about Matt?”
“Would it be all right or not?”
“Of course. “ Dana sat back. “Whatever you need. You know that.”
“Thanks. I’ll call you later.”
Julie pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes and waded through the crowded sidewalks. She walked past the Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins ice cream on the corner and smiled. This was the How do you like them apples? location from Good Will Hunting. It was also the place that she and Matt had stopped in the day he had taken her to look for apartments. She passed the subway station and crossed Mass Ave, disappearing into the maze of Harvard’s store, The Coop. Wandering in a fog seemed to help her feel better. Julie let herself drift through the store for a while, eventually exiting out the back onto a side street. Clothing boutiques had racks of dresses displayed on the sidewalk, and Julie fingered through sundresses that she wasn’t going to buy. Across the street there was a small shop that sold local crafts. She momentarily emerged from her haze and wondered if she might find a little something there for Celeste.
For so many reasons, it was going to be hard moving out. There was no pretending that it wasn’t. The emptiness loomed over her, powerful and unrelenting.
Julie found herself scanning the shelves and then moving to the display cases with jewelry. She tried to focus. A small gift for Celeste would be a nice thing to do, for both of them. A momento of their year together. Her eyes skimmed over beaded necklaces and gold bracelets, none of which was right. She walked to the far end of the case.
Something silver caught her eye. Maybe she should have been surprised to see it, but she wasn’t. It was almost as if she were expecting that it would be here.
A saleswoman appeared. “Did you want to look at something?”
Julie kept her eyes on the case and pointed. “Yes. That one. Right there.”
The woman unlocked the sliding cabinet door and handed Julie the item.
Julie looked down at her hand and studied the familiar silver barrette. Celeste’s barrette. The one Finn had sent from far away. She turned it over in her hand a few times. This one had a yellow stone instead of turquoise. Otherwise it was identical. “Everything here…” she started. Did she really want to ask this question? Yes. She had to. “Everything here is made by local artists, right?”
“Absolutely.”
“Nothing is imported?”
“No. We’re here solely to support New England artists. We have very limited quantities of each item. No two are exactly alike. That hair clip is made by a woman from Martha’s Vineyard. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? We’ve sold a number of her pieces.”
“I bet you have. It’s lovely.” Julie set it down. Her hand was trembling, and she turned and rushed out of the store.
The walk home felt both eternal and not nearly long enough. The volume on her iPod was set high, and she tried to stop herself from thinking, losing herself in the music as she slowly walked home. Or to what would be her home for only a short time more. Dr. Cooley’s words replayed over and over in her head. Maybe you’re missing something obvious. Don’t overanalyze what you see. She’d missed everything. It had all been right there, but she hadn’t been able to see the big picture. Maybe she had known for months now, and she just had not wanted to accept what the world had been screaming at her. Denial had made her blind and stupid. Perhaps pathetically so.
The Watkins’ house looked strange to her today. The front lock gave her the usual trouble, and the stairs to the second floor made the same creak that they always did, and yet nothing felt right. Matt was at school, which was good. Julie opened her laptop and scooted the chair close to the desk while she typed.
Finn-
I’m so crazy about you. You know that, right? This thing between us over the past year has been everything that I never knew I wanted. You made me brave and adventurous. You made me laugh. You were charming, and sweet, and charismatic, and you pulled me in.
I fell in love with you. I couldn’t help it, and I couldn’t stop it. But now I have to.
We both know better than to pretend any longer.
We both know that this is over.
I had such a strong sense that I knew you and what it was like to be with you. Because I did. Maybe a part of me knew all along. I don’t know when I realized it, but there had to be a point where I figured it out. Maybe I didn’t want to see what was right in front of me, because I wanted more than anything for this connection between us to be real. It’s so clear to me now, and the truth is more painful than I imagined. You must think I’m incredibly foolish to have fallen for this charade. I am. It’s true. I took a risk—I jumped—and you let me fall alone. I wanted to land with you, Finn. You.
I’ll miss that boy that sent me pictures, protected me from monsters, and talked me through deadly elevator rides. I’ll miss the stories about protecting wild animals, coaching football in Ghana, and scuba diving in exotic places. I’ll miss the way you make me laugh, and comfort me, and heal me. I’ll miss all of that. Mostly I’ll miss you. The way we feel together.
But I suppose that I’ve already started missing you over the past few weeks. I could tell that I was losing you. Now everything is about to get so much worse.
I needed to write you just one more time before this all blows apart.
-Julie
She turned off the computer and went to the bottom drawer of the dresser. The T-shirt was old and washed-up, and she touched the fabric with her fingertips. She felt numb. There was one more thing that she had to check. Just to make sure. Just so she would really believe.
Julie left the bedroom and went into Erin and Roger’s room. She stood in the center of the room and turned slowly, looking for what would bring her proof. It wasn’t in here. But the woodcarving sat on a shelf, right-side up now. Mom. Julie thought about the little boy who had made that for his mother and how disconnected and oblivious Erin had been.
The house was eerily quiet. Hollow. Isolated, Julie thought, as she walked to the living room. She started at one corner of the room, looking closely at all the books on the tall shelves. Slowly she stepped to the side, making sure not to miss what she knew must be here. When she reached the last shelf, she saw it. The photo album sat on the very top shelf, just below the ceiling. She pushed a chair over to the shelves and reached up, pulling the dark leather book from underneath an atlas. The other books on this high shelf were dusty, but the album cover was clean.
She sat on the couch for a while, just holding the book and putting this off.
Finally she opened it, gingerly turning the pages as she looked at the photographs. She knew these pictures. She had seen some of them before. It was hard not to smile at the ones of Finn. His handsome face, the way his clothes hugged his lean build, that mischievous smile. She touched one of the photos. She would miss the thought of those arms around her. The versions of the photos in her hand were slightly different from the ones she had looked at so many times this past year, but she still knew them.
As much as it hurt to turn each page, she was grateful that Erin and Roger were not the sort to store all their pictures digitally. Not like Julie was.
And not like Matt was.
It was too hard to keep looking, so she shut the album.
An hour passed, maybe more. Julie wasn’t sure. He would be home soon. He would check his email and come home.
Finally, the front door opened.
“Julie.”
She stared at Matt and waited. He took his time before speaking again.
“You know, don’t you?” It wasn’t really a question.
“Yes. I know.”
Matt hung his head. “I don’t know how this got so out of hand. I never meant—”
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Julie—”
“Say it, Matt,” she said loudly. “I want you to say it.”
“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you for months.” He looked at her now, both fear and melancholy shadowing his face. “I tried at Christmas. And then after New Year’s. But I was in too deep. I thought maybe it would be easier after you moved out.”
“Screw you.” Julie stood up and hurled the photo album at him. “Screw you! Enough with the bullshit. Say it, Matt!” she yelled. “Tell me the goddamn truth for once!”
He stood silently for bit, trying to delay this moment. His eyes glistened as he spoke. “Finn is dead.”
She nodded, calmer now that he had confirmed what she knew. “Your brother is dead. That’s why Celeste has Flat Finn.”
“Yes.”
“You’ve been pretending to be Finn. Everything he wrote to me was from you. You pasted old pictures of him into other photos.”
“Yes.”
Julie shut her eyes. She had been piecing this together, but the confirmation hit her hard.
“Do you want to know how he died?”
Julie nodded.
“Two years ago, during the winter. In a car accident. My mother was driving, and the car slid off the road on Memorial Drive, just outside Harvard Square. She hit a tree. The car crumpled from the impact, and Finn was thrown through the windshield. He died instantly.” Matt inhaled audibly, bracing himself before continuing. “Her airbag went off, so she wasn’t hurt really. So that’s why nobody drives except me. And we don’t walk past the river.” Matt tucked his hands in his pockets, waiting for Julie to say something. But she didn’t. He reached down and picked up the photo album from the floor and flipped through a few pages before tossing it onto a chair. “You know what’s really unfair? Like this wasn’t unbearable enough by itself? Like this wasn’t cruel and awful already?”
“What?”
“Did you know that Celeste used to play the piano? She was very good. She used to take lessons. In a gorgeous old building near here, off Memorial Drive.”
Julie couldn’t figure out where he was going with this.
“Guess who was walking home from her lesson just in time to see the accident?”
“Oh, Matt…” Julie could hardly speak.
“Yeah. It was perfect timing, really. Celeste got to see the fire trucks and ambulances. She got to see the smoke billowing out of the family car, and best of all, she got to see her brother’s lifeless, bloody, mangled body.” Matt was speaking quickly now, the words spilling from his mouth as if pausing for too long would leave him even more unprotected than he already was. “The smoke? That’s why Mom doesn’t like having fires in the house. Or matches. We can’t light matches when she’s in the room because the sulfur smell gives her flashbacks. Airbags, I guess, have a similar odor. Ironically, Celeste likes having fires in the house. They make her feel closer to Finn.”
Julie stood up, and Matt walked away, turning his back to her. He leaned his shoulder against the window frame and stared outside.
“So the perfect family with the perfect son fell apart. Mom’s depression got totally unmanageable, and she checked herself into a psych unit for six months. Dad disappeared into his godforsaken ocean studies, and Celeste became nearly catatonic. I did what I could for her. I got her up in the mornings, I helped her get dressed, I fed her. I loved her. But it wasn’t enough. Don’t get me wrong. Celeste was never your typical kid. She’s always been eccentric. But Finn’s death destroyed her.” All Matt’s walls were crumbling. All the secrets and the emotion that he had worked so hard to protect this year were coming out. Julie almost didn’t recognize the person in front of her. “And then, smart girl that she is, she ordered Flat Finn. Unbelievable. She just went online and ordered a replica of her brother. And that stupid cardboard thing brought her back. When Mom got home from her inpatient treatment, I tried to get her and Dad to do something for Celeste. Get her help.” He shook his head. “But they loved Flat Finn almost as much as Celeste did. Maybe part of me did, too. Because it kept him alive for us, in some sick, insane way. At some point, Celeste insisted that Finn would be on Facebook, so I did that for her. The Finn is God name was probably my jealousy. He was so damn perfect. Everybody worshipped him.”
“What about you, Matt? What happened to you?”
“Me? Nothing. I didn’t get to grieve because I had to take care of everything that my parents couldn’t. I don’t hold them accountable for that. There is no right way to react. Mom, in particular, didn’t like when I did anything that reminded her of Finn. He hated math and physics. In fact, he hated school. He wasn’t a bad student. Academics just weren’t where his heart was. So I did, and do, the opposite. I excel at school in ways he never could have.”
“Celeste made up the story about him traveling?” Julie asked.
“Yes. It’s actually something Finn would have done. He was just as great as she says he was. Those made-up stories about Finn helped her, and Flat Finn gave her something tangible to hold on to. And at the same time, while that goddamn one-dimensional picture has been keeping her afloat, he’s wrecked all of us. When we’re around Celeste, we have to act like Finn is alive, like his brains were never smeared all over the sidewalk.”
Julie flinched. “I don’t know what to say.”
“There was no obituary in the paper. My mother claimed it was because she would have felt obligated to print his real name, Anatol Finneus Watkins, and she wouldn’t do that to him. Finn hated his first name and only went by Finn. There was a tiny, private funeral.
“Nobody comes into the house. I know you’ve noticed. How could you not? Whatever my parents can do to keep up the pretense that their son is just away, that someday he’ll be home… Other people would ruin that scenario. My parents don’t talk about Finn’s death, and friends of the family and colleagues know not to bring him up. Mom and Dad pretend they’re doing it for Celeste, but it’s for them, too.” Matt spun around and let out a sad laugh. “It’s insane. I know that. It’s all entirely insane.”
“Why did your mom let me come into the house that first day? Why did she ask me to stay?”
“She felt a loyalty to Kate, I guess. I don’t know that I understand it. Maybe she was… I’m not sure. Looking for a way out of this. Looking to get caught. She could trust you because of her connection to your mother. You know how you feel about Dana? If you two didn’t talk for twenty years, you’d still be there for her if she needed you, right?”
Julie nodded. “Of course.”
“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I didn’t think you’d be here that long. Nobody stays in our lives anymore. We’re all alone. So when you emailed Finn, I wrote back. You were easy to talk to, and I needed to feel close to someone. To you.”
“You should have told me. After you knew I was staying, you should have told me.”
“I know. My mom and I fought about that. I didn’t want you living here because she didn’t want you to know the truth, and I thought you should. But she saw what we all came to see. That you are brilliant with Celeste. With all of us. You were this life force that we needed so desperately. I didn’t stop things between you and me—you and Finn—because it was the first time that I’d felt anything in so long. I got to be myself for the first time in years, with no constraints and no labels. You freed me.”
Julie crossed the room until she was standing in front of Matt. Her heart broke for him. She stepped in closer and took his head in her hands, making him look her in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t say anything, and she could feel him trembling. God, he looked so drained.
“Why aren’t you yelling at me? You have to be angry,” he said quietly.
“I’m too sad to yell. I don’t get to be angry with you, do I? Your brother died, so I don’t get to be angry.”
He reached up and put his hands on her arms. “I never meant for this to become so complicated. I didn’t plan this.” His voice shook.
Julie touched his cheek softly and then ran her fingers over his lips. “This was never going to end well. You realize that, don’t you?”
“It could.”
“No. This is too messed up,” she told him.
“I know,” he said.
“And you’re so broken.” She wiped a tear from his cheek.
“I know.”
“And you hurt me.”
“I know. I never, never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe that.”
“I understand. I really do,” Julie managed to say. “But what Finn and I had was real. And you wrecked that.”
“There was no you and Finn. There was you and me.”
“No.”
“This,” he said gesturing between them, “is real. You and I are real.”
“No, we’re not. We’re not anything, Matt. Not after this.”
“Don’t say that. Julie, please don’t say that. I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me.”
She brushed the hair from his face and stepped in closer. There wasn’t anything she could do to fix this—she could put hinges on Flat Finn, but there were no hinges for grief and deception. Anyway, she was too shattered now to pick him up from this. Her heart was broken. She missed Finn. She missed the Matt she used to know. He looked so completely spent, so full of anguish. She stroked his hair as she cradled his head in her hands. If there were a way for her to take away his suffering, she would. He would do the same for her, she knew that.
She lifted her mouth to his, kissing him deeply. Deliberately this time. She knew what she was doing. Matt’s lips moved with hers, his emotion tangible, his aching too much. Julie let herself disappear into the moment. It was easier than thinking, than trying to understand what had happened. The words he had written to her as Finn played over and over: You can look back now and see how you should have known, but you were focusing on the facts instead of the feeling. Matt had been trying to prepare her.
But now she didn’t know who this boy was, this damaged, lost boy who was kissing her like he’d never see her again. Like she was everything he wanted. Now her own tears poured down her face. Julie kissed him harder, endlessly, not wanting this to stop, but knowing it had to. For just a few more minutes, she let herself drown in the feel of him, because his mouth, his lips, his tongue, his kiss… This moment overshadowed the real world and took her away from misery. His hands roamed her back and her arms, desperate to show her how much he wanted her. She fought back a sob and pulled her mouth from his, kissing his cheeks, his neck, snuggling against the fabric of his shirt. Her hands moved down his chest, then wrapped around his waist, hugging him. She just wanted to hold Matt, even if this was the last time. His arms encircled her body, and he hung on to her. There had been days over this past year when he had made her feel safe and protected when he had held her. It had been so natural to let him hold her, so easy. So easy that she had stupidly never questioned it. None of those times mattered, though, because everything before today had been a lie.
He whispered in her ear, his voice breaking. “Julie, tell me that you fell in love with me, too. I know you did. I can feel it.”
“No, Matty,” she said crying. “I fell in love with Finn. I loved that boy, that imaginary, wonderful, fantasy boy. That boy wasn’t you. He was someone else, someone who never really existed. And… maybe part of me did fall in love with some version of you too, but that wasn’t real either. And now I’ve lost you both. You’ve broken my heart twice.”
“Please. I meant everything I wrote to you. Everything.” Matt was pleading with her now and squeezed his arms around her tightly. “I used to go skydiving and bungee jumping. Finn and I did those things together. After he died, I couldn’t take any more risks like that. It wasn’t fair to my parents. Or Celeste. I used to be different. My life was about more than managing, and coping, and keeping everything together. There was more to me. You started to bring that back. We have something here, Julie. You know that.”
“We don’t have anything.” She wiped her eyes on his shirt. It killed her to say this to him. She knew better than anybody how fragile Matt was right now and how much of himself he was giving to her. ““Please don’t make this harder. Please don’t make me hurt you more. But, Matt… Nothing that happened has been true.”
“I need you,” he begged. “You’re everything I’m not.”
“And you’re everything I don’t want.” Julie pushed away, breaking his embrace, and shook her head. “If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain, and loss, and hurt better than anyone.” She hated each word as it came out of her mouth. “And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now, too. And I can’t love you.”
Chapter 30
The alarm clock went off, filling the room with a hideously syrupy old Lifehouse song. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night, Julie rolled over and yanked the cord out of the wall, but the music kept playing. God damn that battery back up! She had been in bed since seven the night before, having mumbled something to Erin through the door about not feeling well. Her eyes burned, and her head and heart ached. Everything hurt. There was really no good reason to get up, except to finish packing. She was moving to Dana’s tomorrow. She wanted out of here as quickly as possible. But the idea of mustering the energy she’d need to pack was further debilitating. Even with the torturous music, the dark room was safe. The world was on hold.
Holing up in her room since the dreadful talk with Matt was childish perhaps, but she didn’t care. Of course, it wasn’t really her room. It was Matt’s. He must have moved out so that the family didn’t have to deal with the agony of Finn’s empty bedroom. She threw her arm over her eyes. Poor Matt had taken on the brunt of the family’s grief.
After lying in bed for another hour, and suffering through “Romance Hour” on the local radio station, she finally dragged herself from the sheets and sat in front of her computer. There was one more thing that she had to do. She clicked on Finn is God’s page one last time and reread his status updates. Matt’s status updates. It was so hard to reconcile the truth with what she had believed for so many months. She moved the cursor to remove him from her friends list and then stopped. Under his profile picture she saw it. It was his birthday today. It was the real Finn’s birthday. She couldn’t take this and deleted him immediately.
Julie didn’t understand why she was feeling such a loss. It’s not as though she’d actually known Finn. It had been Matt the whole time. Technically, she hadn’t lost anyone. But it felt like she had. To amp up her misery was the fact that she had hurt Matt so terribly yesterday. That might be the worst piece of all.
Julie heard the house phone ring, and moments later Matt’s voice filled the house. “Julie! Julie!”
She hadn’t seen him since yesterday, when she had dropped from his embrace and fled to her room. The last thing she wanted was to face him now, but the sound in his voice let her know something was wrong.
“Julie!” Matt flung open the door. “Celeste is gone.”
“What? What do you mean gone?”
“She didn’t show up for third period today. My mother just called. She and Dad are heading over to the school now to see if anyone has seen her. Today is…today—”
“I know.” Julie stood up. “It’s Finn’s birthday.” This day must be intolerably painful. She rushed to the closet and yanked a shirt from a hanger. “We’ll find her.”
“I don’t know where she could be. Something is wrong. She has never skipped class.”
“Go start the car. I’ll be down in a minute.”
Matt nodded. “OK. Julie? Thank you. I know you hate me right now.”
He disappeared before she could protest.
Ten minutes later, Matt and Julie were in the car and heading toward Celeste’s school. It seemed worthwhile to drive around the area on the off-chance that she might be nearby. Julie had tried Rachel’s house; however her mother hadn’t heard from Celeste, and Rachel was most definitely in class today. Julie was hoping the two girls had ditched school together. Rachel’s mom promised to call if she got news.
Matt tapped the steering wheel. “Where could she be? Where could she be?”
“She’ll be fine. She wouldn’t have done anything stupid. It’s got to be a hard day for her. For all of you.”
“Yes, it is.” He kept his eyes straight ahead. “I had to tell her about our… talk. She would have wondered what was wrong. I don’t imagine that helped her.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so… callous yesterday. I just can’t…” Her words trailed off. “I understand why you did what you did.”
“You don’t have to explain. Really.”
Julie tapped her leg. She didn’t want to think about yesterday. Matt looked totally spent. Even worse than she did. And he had shut down on her again. That whole pouring-his-soul out routine was over. But the only thing that mattered right now was finding Celeste. She stared out the window as Matt drove around aimlessly, desperately hoping to come across his sister. Julie closed her eyes. Think. Think. Where would Celeste go?
“Matt, take a left. Here. Here!”
“Why?”
“I know where she is.”
He yanked the wheel and steered them toward the Charles River. “She couldn’t have,” he said in disbelief. “Why would she go there?”
“She went to the site of the accident. She must have.”
They sped down Memorial Drive. It was beautiful out today, with comfortable temperatures, blues skies, and a wonderful breeze. The irony of them all feeling so dreadful was undeniable.
Suddenly, Matt pulled the car over the curb and hit the brakes. “There she is.”
They both got out and raced toward her. Celeste sat on a wooden bench, looking out at the sparkling water. Matt and Julie crossed a grassy area, walking between students reading on blankets and bikers taking a break, and sat down on either side of Celeste.
“It’s a lovely day for boating, isn’t it?” Celeste finally asked. She put her hand in Matt’s, but continued staring at the river. “I’ve always thought it would be such fun to go for a ride down this river in a boat.”
“We could go sometime. They rent canoes here, you know?” Julie kicked her feet back and forth. “I would love to do that with you.”
They sat silently for a few minutes, watching the boats go by.
Finally, Celeste turned and looked at Julie. Her eyes were red and puffy, but her voice was clear. “I’m not crazy, you know.”
Julie nodded. “I know that.”
“I am aware that Finn is dead. Despite my seemingly unbreakable association with Flat Finn, I have always known that. I’m not delusional.”
“I understand.”
“I loved Finn so much. You would have really liked him, Julie. He was magical, wasn’t he, Matty?”
“He was,” Matt agreed. “Finn was someone special.”
Celeste leaned her head on his shoulder. “You’re magical, too. I love you, Matthew. I know that you think I liked Finn better than you. That’s not true. You are just a much of part of me as Finn is. I utterly worship you both. Always and forever. If you had died, there would have been a Flat Matt. I would have laughed endlessly at the silly rhyme.”
Matt dropped his head back and looked into the blue sky. “Sweetie, don’t… just don’t.”
“I’m terribly sorry, Julie,” Celeste continued. “I chose to create Flat Finn, and I chose to believe that Finn was traveling. This is my responsibility. I have an overly powerful imagination, and I made everyone abide by my fantasies. We didn’t mean to trick you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Julie said.
“You’re leaving tomorrow. I won’t see you anymore.”
“I think I’ll leave tonight, actually. It seems best.” She could feel Matt staring at her. “But you’ll see me all the time. You and I will meet once a week in Harvard Square. Promise.”
“And Matt. Matt could come too,” Celeste suggested.
“We’ll see,” Julie said.
“Please don’t be angry with him. It’s because of me that Matt did what he did. He is totally enamored with you, Julie. Captivated. I see it in his eyes. Even though he looks tremendously demoralized today, I can still see it in his eyes. If you’re not totally disgruntled with me, you can’t be with him either. That’s not fair.”
“I’m not disgruntled.” Julie refused to look toward Matt. It was too confusing. Her emotions were exceptionally raw, and she could hardly tolerate being around him. It was only for Celeste’s sake that she was with him right now.
“I am asking you not to dismiss something with this sort of intensity. It’s rare.”
Julie had to stop her. “I can’t hear this right now. I’m sorry. Not now.”
“You have to leave her alone, Celeste. She’s had enough.” Matt put his arm around Celeste’s shoulder. “Are you OK? We were worried about you.”
She tried to smile. “I will be. Will you stay here with me, Matty? Just for a while? I feel close to Finn here.”
“If that’s what you want, sure.”
She snuggled into her brother’s arm. “Tell me again about the time you camped out in the back yard, and how the fabric caught fire when Finn decided to roast marshmallows inside the tent.”
Julie stood up. She reached down and took the car keys out of Matt’s hand. He looked up at her. It was impossibly brave of him to sit here with Celeste, on a bench right next to where their brother’s life had been violently and unforgivably taken away. She couldn’t stand the sadness in Matt’s eyes, and so she focused on the keys now in her hand. “I’ll take the car home and call Erin and Roger.”
“Julie.” The crack in his voice gutted her. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Matt…” Unable to say goodbye, she turned and ran to the car, telling herself that her eyes were stinging from the sharp wind that came off the river.
**********
There was just enough tape left to seal the last cardboard box. Dana and Jamie would be here in a half-hour to help her move. There really wasn’t much to load into his Jeep, so at least this should go quickly.
There was a knock on the door, and Erin stepped into the room. “You look like you’re just about set. Can I do anything to help?’
Julie shook her head. “No. I think that’s everything.”
Erin sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. “You’ve been crying.”
Julie nodded.
“I had a long talk with Roger and Matthew this afternoon. Thank you for finding Celeste today. We were in quite a panic, as you can imagine.”
“I’m just glad she’s all right. That’s all that matters.”
“Physically, she’s safe. But she’s not all right. None of us are. Julie, I’d like to tell you a few things, if you don’t mind.” Erin clasped her hands together. “Matthew told me that you know about Finn. About the accident.”
“Yes. I’m so sorry.” Julie sat down next to Erin. “I’m not sure what to say. I can’t begin to understand how hard this has been.”
“There are some things about the accident that you don’t know, and that might help you begin to comprehend why I never stopped this whole Finn charade.”
“Erin, you don’t owe me an explanation for anything. Really.”
“I want you to hear this. It might take the edge off what you’re going through.” Erin rubbed her hands over her knees, pausing before she began. “The accident was entirely my fault. I never should have been driving that day. I killed Finn. I am solely responsible for my son’s death.”
“It was an accident. Nobody blames you.”
“It was an accident, yes, but there’s more to it. I doubt Matthew told you this piece of the story, because he wanted to protect me. I gather you know that I have a history of severe depression? It’s all right. There have been enough secrets. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but I’m still working on it. I had been doing well on the medication I’d been taking. I was functioning, happy even. Then I did what many people do. I went off them. I was content, enjoying life, and felt so strongly that I didn’t need them anymore. I would be fine. Well, I couldn’t. Nobody with my sort of depression could. I spiraled downward so quickly. It must have been terrifying for my family. Roger couldn’t convince me to start taking them again. I know that sounds strange, but in as depressive a state as I was in, I just could not see things rationally. I refused. I was hopeless and tired of fighting my despair.
“That day in February, I was completely out of touch with reality. Detached and dissociated, really. I got into the car with the vague thought that a drive might give me a sense of escape. I don’t remember this happening, but apparently Finn heard me start the car. He raced after me and jumped into the back seat. I drove by the river. Now I can hear hints of his voice, what he was saying to me, how he was trying to get me to pull over. But that day, as I drove, I had no awareness that Finn was with me, Julie. Can you believe that? I was so out of it that I forgot my own son was with me. I couldn’t see him, or understand what he was saying to me. Nothing. My depressive fog blocked out everything except the concept of relief, even temporary. It was easy just to let the cloudy feeling take over for a while. Driving around aimlessly and letting my depression be in charge felt like it would help. I should never have been behind the wheel that day. The car hit a patch of black ice, spun full circle, and smashed into a tree. ”
“Erin…”
“You don’t need to hear the details of the accident. Suffice it to say that it was gruesome. I’ll be haunted forever by what I saw that day.” Erin touched a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes. “It was incredibly icy. There had been accidents all over the city. The police considered my crash a result of the weather. Plain and simple. Which was true, to a degree, but my having gone off the medication was the real reason that I lost control of the car. Roger arranged for me to get in-patient help. Matthew didn’t know at the time that the accident was a result of my having stupidly stopped taking my meds. We told him later. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think less of me. Maybe there would have been an accident even if I’d been clear-headed that day. But Finn wouldn’t have been in the back seat without a seatbelt on, and he wouldn’t have died. The hard truth is that I killed my son, Julie. That’s why I have avoided my family since that day. I don’t deserve to be a mother. I cannot be responsible for Matthew and Celeste after what I’ve done. I don’t know how.”
Julie put her hand on Erin’s back. “You are still their mother. You will always be.”
Erin nodded vigorously and opened her eyes. “Eventually I will see that. I’m going to get there. I need to get some help, though. Having these amazing blinders on for so long has made it possible to keep going. Flat Finn let me pretend. From now on, I need to do better. I will do better. We all have to find a way to get through this.”
Everything that Julie could think to say felt beyond inadequate. She wrapped her arms around Erin and held her while she cried.
Chapter 31
It was late August. Julie opened another packet of sugar and poured it into her coffee. Café Paradiso was quiet today, which was nice because it meant she’d be able to hear everything Celeste had to say without distraction.
Just as she had promised, she’d been meeting Celeste here every Monday afternoon since Julie had moved out of the Watkins’ house. Sometimes Celeste walked here alone, and sometimes Roger or Erin came with her. Never Matt, though. Julie hadn’t responded to any of Matt’s emails, except once when she asked him to please never to be the person who came with Celeste. She wasn’t ready to see him. Maybe one day, maybe never. It had been three months since Julie had said goodbye to him on that bench by the river. He had stopped writing her last month.
Dana had been pushing her all summer to talk about Matt, but she just couldn’t. The last time Dana tried, Julie had nearly dumped a bowl of cereal on her head. After that, her roommate had the good sense not to bring him up.
The summer had been nice. Quiet, uneventful, and perhaps a little boring. Precisely what she had needed. Julie had been doing an internship at a small publishing house in Cambridge, a position which she figured would look good on her resume. And it had kept her distracted. Kate had come to visit for a long weekend in July, but Julie was surprisingly less homesick than she would have imagined.
“There she is!”
Julie looked up, just as Celeste threw her arms around her neck in a hug. “Hey, kiddo! How was the Cape? I missed you last week.”
Celeste flopped into a chair and tossed her hair back. She had a light tan, and her hair had lightened even more in the summer sun. She was radiant.
“Hi, Julie.” Roger leaned in and gave Julie a kiss on the cheek. “Nice to see you.”
“You, too.”
“Celeste has been dying to get together and tell you about her triumphant fishing expedition.”
Celeste beamed. “We all went deep-sea fishing, and I caught a sizeable bluefish. Even the captain was impressed. The beast put up a tireless fight, and Matt had to take over for me a few times. In the end, I successfully reeled in the clichéd catch of the day. I’ll show you pictures next time.”
“She really was amazing,” Roger said proudly. “The captain filleted the fish for us, and Erin cooked it for dinner.”
“Erin cooked?” Julie asked, shocked.
Roger laughed. “Amazing, isn’t it? My wife has become obsessed with cooking, and not a take-out carton has been seen in the past three weeks.”
“I’m speechless.”
“You’ll have to come for dinner one night. I can’t guarantee that the meal will be entirely edible, but it will be homemade.”
Julie nodded politely. She hadn’t been back to the house since she had left.
“I’m going to be in a recital in two weeks. Would you come? Rachel is playing the trumpet, and I’ll be playing the piano. As you can tell, it’s an unusual sort of duet, and Rachel is not particularly gifted when it comes to any musical instrument.” Celeste paused. “Most notably the trumpet. She makes up for lack of talent by a frequent use of exaggerated facial expressions when blowing into the mouthpiece.”
“Of course I’ll come to the recital,” Julie said. “I’m glad performing arts camp has been such a success.”
“Attending has compensated for having to be present at weekly individual and family therapy sessions. I find those challenging and draining.”
“I would think so.”
“As much as I loathe the experience, you can guess how Matty feels about therapy.” Celeste grinned.
Julie laughed. She knew exactly how much Matt must hate going.
“Didn’t you have something else to ask Julie?” Roger tousled Celeste’s hair.
“I do. Julie, this is serious.” Celeste reached into the small purse she had over her shoulder and pulled out an envelope that she set on the table. “This is an invitation. I’m having a going-away party for Flat Finn.”
Julie was stunned. She took the envelope from Celeste and opened it. The details of the party had been printed on expensive stock, with a small ribbon tied at the top of the card. “Really?”
“Yes. I was inspired by the party that your mother threw for you when you left home, and this party is in the same spirit. Except that I want a brunch. Finn loved bagels and lox. The only guests will be you, Mom, Dad, and Matty. It’s a private party, for obvious reasons. It won’t be sad, though. The plan is for the day to be a celebration. Flat Finn served a much needed purpose, and it’s important to show our gratitude.”
“Where will Flat Finn go?” Julie had visions of Flat Finn being burned to ashes over the grill, or hacked to bits with a carving knife. That would be dreadful. She had a fondness for the cutout brother, however dysfunctional and immobilizing he may have been.
“He’s just going up to the attic.” She shrugged. “Just in case. And maybe a time will come when I will find the entire Flat Finn experience amusing. I might want to show him to my grandchildren one day. Back when I was a highly disturbed child… You know. It might be entertaining.”
“Yes, it might.”
“So you’ll come, right?”
Julie couldn’t say no. “Absolutely. There is no way I would miss this.” She could face Matt for one day.
“Excellent. So next Saturday at eleven, we will celebrate. Please note that it’s casual attire. Flat Finn wouldn’t want anyone in ball gowns or tuxedos.”
“Understood.”
Roger snapped his fingers. “Damn. And I was hoping to wear my lime-green suit and matching tie that day.”
Celeste groaned. “Mom would never allow that. She has impeccable taste. I’m going to go get us some drinks. Back momentarily.” She headed to the counter to order.
Julie looked at Roger. “I cannot believe that is the same girl I met almost a year ago. She seems incredibly happy.”
“She is. She’s doing well. There are hard days, still, but she has surprised us all.”
Julie leaned forward. “Truthfully, I’m glad she hasn’t lost all her Celeste-ness. I like her unique personality.”
“I do, too.” Roger fiddled with a sugar packet. “How are you, kid? You seem… subdued.”
“I’m fine. Just distracted, I guess. Busy. Gearing up to head back to school.”
“Uh-huh. If you say so.” Something caught his eye, and he reached his hand out. “Julie? Where did you get this? Is this Matthew’s?” He held the stone of her necklace in his hand.
“Oh.” She sat back, pulling it from his grasp, and clasped her hand to her chest.
As much as she couldn’t bear to think about Matt, she hadn’t been able to take off the necklace. It was part of her—her and Finn—and she wouldn’t feel like herself without it.
Roger squinted. “It is Matthew’s. Did he tell you what this is?”
Confused, she shook her head. She hadn’t really thought about where it had come from. Obviously not from Finn’s worldly travels, though. She assumed Matt had picked it up a store nearby.
“Wow. I haven’t seen that in years. When Matt was a kid, rocks and minerals fascinated him. He was actively involved in the Boston Minerals Club.”
Of course he was. Julie felt that same twinge of wistfulness that hit her more than she liked to admit. She knew Matt so well that it hurt.
“I used to take him on weekend outings with the club,” Roger said. “We’d go on hikes in New Hampshire and Vermont. Once to the Berkshires. And the kids would dig and whatnot, looking for rocks. All little boys love that stuff, but Matthew in particular. He kept copious notes about his findings and made charts and graphs that he kept in a binder. Rock and mineral-wise, this is not a terribly exciting part of the country to live in. Nonetheless, Matt held out hope that he would find that special item. And God love him, he did.” Roger pointed to her necklace. “That’s a fragment of purpurite. Not the sexiest-sounding mineral, I guess, but Matt was over the moon when he collected this. He wouldn’t let anyone touch it, and he kept that thing in a locked display case for years.” He tipped his head to the side. “I can’t believe he parted with that. You mean something very special to him, Julie.”
She looked down and squeezed her hand around the necklace.
“Look, this is none of my business, and I don’t know exactly what happened this year, but I know something fell apart between you two. I’ve tried to talk to him about it… Well, you know Matt. He has a hard time opening up. I do know a bit about him posing as Finn online.” He held up his hand to stop Julie from interrupting him. “I agree. It was a seriously peculiar thing to do, and it wasn’t right. However ticked off you may be about that, I hope you can appreciate the lengths he went to in order to keep your attention.”
Julie looked up. “I guess.”
“Can you imagine how much time he spent doctoring all those pictures? Inventing new volunteer opportunities? And when he sent Celeste the package, the poor guy had to track down an old friend overseas, mail the package there, and have that person mail it back to the house so that it would have the right postage. Not to mention all the work it must have taken to keep his stories straight.” He smiled. “Come on, Julie. Effort has to count for something.”
“This had been hard on me,” she said. “I feel stupid saying that considering what your family has been through, but—”
Roger stopped her. “You’re allowed to feel the way you do. Matt was an idiot. And maybe you have other reasons for holding back. Reasons that don’t have to do with Matthew.”
“I don’t know what to trust… who to trust.”
Roger tipped his head to the side. “Look, Finn was good with all this girl stuff. He was cool, and suave and… magnetic. He was absolutely magnetic. But Matthew is exceptional, too, just in a different way. It must have been rough competing with Finn before, and now that Finn is gone, it’s probably even worse for him. You can’t beat out memories of the dead. Sweetheart, Matt is not the smoothest of young men, but his heart was in the right place.” Roger patted her hand. “Aw, Julie. Matt’s execution might have been disastrous, but don’t forget about his heart.”
Images from the past year flashed through Julie’s head: Matt picking her up in front of the non-apartment. Explaining font nerds. Reluctantly taking her to buy hinges for Flat Finn. Trading emails about possible snow sculptures. Laying under the tree. Arguing, bantering, defending his silly T-shirts. The hours spent hanging out in his room. She thought about how he had held her when she had come out of the freezing ocean. And that night after Celeste’s sleepover, touching her tenderly in his bed. How he looked when he finally poured his feelings out. The way it felt just to be near him. The way the world stopped when he kissed her.
And that’s when she knew. Julie looked at Roger and smiled. She felt whole for the first time in weeks.
Chapter 32
Matthew Watkins When I screw up, I’m just going to think of it as the group disbanding. And by “the group” I mean “brain function.” And by “disbanding” I mean “failing miserably.
Julie Seagle “The best way to hold a man is in your arms.” –Mae West
Celeste Watkins thinks the expression should be, “Free to be you OR me,” because “Free to be you AND me” makes one think of a dissociative identity disorder.
Her heart was pounding uncontrollably. Julie had to muster every scrap of courage she had just to ring the bell. She was on time for the party, but she hoped that she wasn’t too late for the most important thing.
Erin opened the door. “You’re here! Look at you! You look wonderful!”
Julie leaned in for a hug, smiling at Erin’s typically awkward embrace. “It’s a big day, huh?”
“A long overdue day. Come on, we’re all in the backyard.” Erin waited for Julie to step into the house. “Well, come on. Don’t be shy. This is practically your house, too.”
Julie forced her feet to move. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
They walked to the dining room. A platter with bagels and spreads sat in the center of the table underneath a mass of balloons, and ribbons had been tied to the backs of the chairs. The room was lighter and cheerier than Julie had ever seen it.
“Tell me about your summer, Julie. You and I have barely seen in each other in months, and I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with you. And have you registered for fall classes yet? I’d be honored to look over your course options with you.” She pulled out a chair. “Here, sit down. Coffee?”
Julie nodded. She spent twenty minutes trying her best to pay attention to Erin’s advice about the upcoming semester. She had missed Erin and was so happy to see how engaged and genuinely cheerful she was. But her mind was elsewhere.
Celeste bounded into the room and practically toppled her with a hug. “Why is it that nobody told me you had arrived? Oh, my gosh! Are these for me?”
Julie nodded and handed her a massive bouquet of flowers. “Congratulations, pal. I know this day means a lot to you. It does to me, too.”
“I’m going to find out if Roger is almost ready,” Erin said. “He has been in the basement for two hours, and the house is still sweltering.” She fanned herself with her hand as she left the room. “August in Boston never fails to infuriate me.”
“My dad is fiddling with the AC system,” Celeste explained. “Don’t go near him until he has finished, because he’s not very adept and has already given himself two minor shocks. Did you see Matt yet? He’s hiding in the backyard. I think he’s nervous.”
“Join the club.”
Celeste touched Julie’s arm. “Do not be nervous, Julie. This is going to work out marvelously. I believe in you. Both of you.”
“We’ll see.”
Julie went through the kitchen and out through the back door to the porch.
He was there. Out on the lawn, standing with his back to her, his hands tucked into his shorts pockets. He looked amazing. Everything about him pulled her in. Julie touched her palm to her chest, reminding herself again to breathe, to calm down. “Matt.”
Matt turned around hesitantly and gave her a shy wave. He had on the same Nietzsche Is My Homeboy shirt that he’d worn the first day she met him. It was exactly as it should be.
“Matty!” She called his name louder this time, wondering if he could hear the relief she felt at seeing him. She ran down the steps, needing him more than she could ever have imagined. It had been a long summer of heartache, but at least she finally knew whom her heart had been aching for.
She couldn’t reach him fast enough.
Matt rushed forward and caught her as she flew into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. It had been so long since she had been close to him. Too long.
“Julie.” There was nothing more wonderful than the way he said her name. How had she never noticed that? “What’s wrong? Are you OK?” She heard his confusion and concern.
She laughed as she hung on to Matt. “I am now.”
She sniffed, aware that she’d become a blubbering mess in an instant. But that’s what love does to you. Gut-wrenching, overpowering, crushing, fulfilling, complex, bring-you-to-your-knees love.
“I missed you,” she whispered into his ear. And she had. His voice, his touch, the way he moved… everything about him.
“Yeah?” he asked softly.
“Yes. So much.”
He held her close while she rested her head on his shoulder and ran her hands over his back, neither of them willing to let the other go. And with the way they were glued to each other, she knew that this was not like the last time they had been this close. This was not goodbye.
“I’m so sorry. It was always you,” she said.
“What?” he murmured.
She lifted her head and pressed her cheek against his. “It was always you. I thought it was somebody else, but it was you. You were the person I felt.”
Julie heard him catch his breath, and she dropped her feet to the ground, keeping her body against his. Matt put his hands on her hips, pulling her in more. God, he felt so perfect. Then his lips were on hers, kissing her hard, passionately. Differently than before. No more pretending, no more denying, no more sadness. His fingers moved just under the bottom of her shirt, lightly brushing her lower back, and then her waist was in his hands. His grip was firm, solid, comforting. God, the feel of his hands against her skin… He kissed her neck, his lips soft, his tongue hot, and his breathing picking up. She whimpered quietly. He was such a guy, totally picking the worst time ever to get them all riled up. Later, she told herself. Later, they could be alone.
Julie forced herself to back away every so slightly. “Come on. We’re going to have an audience soon.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him behind her, determined not to let go of him again. “And we’re leaving in an hour.”
“I could make a lot of things happen in an hour,” Matt offered.
Julie spun around and raised an eyebrow as she walked backwards. “I bet you could.” He was making it tempting to take off with him, but this day was important. “I promise you’ll have that chance. But for now, we have to go eat. You, Celeste, Flat Finn, and I are leaving together. We have someplace to be.”
“We do?”
“Yes.” She couldn’t stop smiling.
“I thought Flat Finn was being assigned attic duty for the rest of his existence?”
“Plans change.”
“So we don’t get to sneak off somewhere and fool around?” Matt groaned.
“Not yet.”
“These better be some damn good plans.”
**********
“Look, this blindfold thing is really starting to creep me out. I don’t know when you became a dominatrix, Julie, but my sister is in the car, so it hardly seems appropriate to be demonstrating your specialized skills in front of her.” Matt reached to pull off the blindfold that Julie had tied over his eyes.
“Don’t you dare!” Celeste leaned into the front seat of the Volvo and smacked Matt’s hand. “Behave yourself. This is a good surprise.”
“Are we almost there yet? I’m hungry,” Matt said. “I need to pee. I’m bored. How much longer? Let’s play I Spy. Oh, wait. I can’t. I’m blindfolded. This is the worst trip ever!”
“Matt, shut up!” Julie pulled into the far right lane on the highway, keeping her hand in Matt’s. “Only one more exit, and then we’ll be there. This will be worth the two-hour drive. Trust us.”
“When you say worth, do you mean there will be cash incentives involved? Apple is having a press conference in a few days, and I’m sure they’ll be releasing some wildly unnecessary gadget that I need.”
“Celeste, make your brother behave,” Julie said.
“The fact that you are still holding his hand after he has been persistently annoying during this whole drive indicates to me that he is now equally your problem. I am going to enjoy this scenic drive and let you manage Matty’s irritating outbursts.”
“Great.” Julie sighed dramatically. “Lengthy bouts of obtuse chatter interspersed with moments of mind-numbingly boring trivia about the history of the internet. It’s a tradeoff for the occasional bits of charm, I suppose,” Julie admitted. “But one that I’ll just have to live with.”
“I’m still here!” Matt hollered. “I can hear you talking about me. I have feelings, you know!” He faked a sob and sniffed loudly.
“I’ll make a note of that,” Julie said.
“Oh, Julie, there’s the sign,” Celeste said. “We’re here! This is the perfect send-off for Flat Finn. The real Finn would approve. You will, too, Matty.”
Julie pulled the car into the parking lot. “Guess where we are?”
“Yosemite? The Grand Canyon?” Matt said. “Vegas? Oh, my God, we’re in Vegas, aren’t we? Is Celine Dion here? Cher? Are we going backstage? No, it’s the Liberace Museum. I can feel it. It’s a dream come true! I’ve waited my whole life for this.”
“That is ridiculous, Matt,” Celeste scolded. “We are not in Las Vegas. Try harder.”
“Disney World? The Mall of America? Pike Place Fish Market? Graceland?”
“It’s flattering that he thinks we’re lame enough to subject him to a tourist trap, isn’t it? Celeste, he’ll never figure it out,” Julie said. “Let’s show him.” She slid the blindfold off his eyes and watched him. He adjusted to the light and read the sign in front of the car.
Matt was serious now. “I never would have guessed this is where you two were taking me.” He paused and bit his lip, a soft smile forming. “The last time I was here was with Finn.”
Julie clapped her hands together. “We’re going skydiving.”
He looked at her. “What do you mean we’re going?”
She nodded. “You’re not very bright, are you? I mean that you and I are going to jump out of a plane and then a life-saving parachute thingy will pop out and we will land on the ground in one piece. “
“Both of us are going?”
“Yes,” she said. “I want to jump with you, Matt. For real this time.”
She loved when he was speechless.
“And Flat Finn, too,” Celeste said. “We called the skydiving center this week. They remember you and Finn, and they said that you could take Flat Finn when you jump. I think it’s a fitting way to celebrate. The real Finn would genuinely like this idea.”
“Of course I’ll take him,” Matt said. “Of course. Julie, are you sure about this?”
“Yes,” she said. And she meant it. She trusted him completely. “I want to do this with you.”
Matt leaned over and put a hand on the back of her neck. He pulled her in gently, kissing her softly and perfectly.
“I knew it!” Celeste squealed. “I told you, Julie, didn’t I? I said this would work out, and it has. Does this mean that there will not be any more unpleasant spats between you two? I found those squabbles to be incredibly disquieting.”
Julie sat back and laughed. “I don’t know about that.” She looked into Matt’s eyes. “Even so, I love you.”
Matt smiled at her and winked. “I know.”
Celeste and Julie both smacked him.
“This would be an appropriate time not to be a dork or a smartass,” Julie said.
Celeste popped her head into the front seat. “Be the hero, Matty. Come on. You’re supposed to be the hero now. The romantic lead.”
“I know that, too,” he said. Matt did not hesitate a moment longer. “Julie, I love you. I absolutely love you.”
“Good,” Celeste said, satisfied. “Now it’s time to jump.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Park grew up in the Boston area and then went to Macalester College in frigid St. Paul, Minnesota. During her freshman year, there was a blizzard on Halloween, and so after graduation, she decided that she was not cut out for such torture. So she moved back to the east coast where, she’d forgotten, it still snows. Oops. She now lives in New Hampshire with her husband, son, bananas dog named Fritzy, and two selfish cats. When not writing, she is probably on Facebook , pining over 80s rock stars, or searching for the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts. Oh, and she’s a complete Gleek.
She has written a young adult novel, RELATIVELY FAMOUS, that has been garnering glowing reviews throughout the blogosphere. “From start to end, Relatively Famous is un-putdown-able and fast-paced…One of the best things about the book is the way the father-daughter relationship has been portrayed. Its so touching and so very real. Despite the setting being Hollywood, there is a very realistic quality to the book too. Its not just a fairy tale, it has more depth to it.”—My Love Affair With Books
About Relatively Famous: High school freshman Dani McKinley’s world is rocked when she finds out that she is the daughter of B-list actor and notorious womanizer Mark Ocean. Mark is all too eager to get his acting career back on track, so he follows his agent’s advice about cleaning up his image and invites his “new” daughter to spend the summer with him. Armed with credit cards, club memberships, and a new wardrobe, Dani spends the summer navigating the foreign culture of Hollywood. Her new friends school Dani in everything from attaching hair extensions to managing the paparazzi. She meets Jason, a gorgeous young personal trainer who is easy on the eyes and wildly flirtatious … But is this smug hottie the one for Dani? Or will she ignore her friends’ eye rolling and go for Nate, the goofy but sweet surfer? Even tougher than all the new social pressures, is the challenge of trying to deal with her father. What Mark Ocean has in wealth, he sorely lacks in parenting skills. The fatherly interest Mark feigns has everything to do with charming the public and virtually nothing to do with connecting with his daughter. Dani desperately tries to teach her father that being a dad is not just about supplying her with Prada bags and trips to movie premieres, and the result of the clueless actor’s attempts at fatherhood is both funny and heart-wrenching. Follow Dani and Mark while they struggle to figure out what it means to be father and daughter, and as they navigate their own complicated love lives. Humor, tears, heartache, and teen angst will leave you aching to see how their dilemmas are resolved.
Jessica has also written five Gourmet Girl mysteries (as Jessica Conant-Park) that are set in the Boston restaurant scene. The series follows the romantic, culinary, and investigative adventures of twenty-something Chloe Carter, and all books come complete with recipes
She also has a few eshorts available for download, including FACEBOOKING RICK SPRINGFIELD (AND OTHER MUSINGS OF A SCATTERED WRITER):
About FACEBOOKING RICK SPRINGFIELD: Am I the best, most knowledgeable Rick Springfield fan out there? I’ll be honest: No. Not really. I do not know all the gritty details of his life the way that some fans do. But what I lack in messy specifics, I like to think that I make up for with enthusiasm. Look, should I win the lottery, I’d probably follow him around on tour and plaster my house with expensive memorabilia. And obviously my ass would be on that Rick Springfield Cruise every November. But until then, the advantage of being a writer is that I have a decent imagination, and my fantasy Rick life placates my need for, you know, actual encounters with the cherished one. I’m pretty content to worship him from afar. So here is a collection of blogs that I’ve done (now expanded), most of which have a focus on the most charming rock god of all, Rick Springfield. The few that are not entirely Rick-centered are still funny, but less insane.
Also available are two volumes of What the Kid Says. “The first is a collection of weird discussions that I have with my nine-year-old son, taken from my blog and centralized in one downloadable location to be easily used against him when he is a teenager. Conversation topics include: God and hoodies, whether or not I killed the Thanksgiving turkey, rooting through the neighbor’s recycling bin and discovering a Victoria’s Secret catalog, anthropomorphizing food items while I’m cooking, butlers, how to get girls, and the kid’s obsession with hot tubs.” The second, What the Kid Says 2: At Least He Asked, “delivers all new humorous conversations that I have with my son. Topics include: first crushes, school lunches, word confusion (Concord vs. conquered), clones, swearing while driving, the pros and cons of television, and the kid’s interpretation of holidays. With plenty to make you laugh, and a bit to make you cry, this download has something for all those who love kids.”
Twitter: JessicaPark24