Monday

"She's good with him," Daphne said as she stepped up beside me at the window.

I stared at Scarlett gently holding my son in her arms. She was being careful not to touch any of the cords that helped him live. The nurse from earlier was helping her properly distribute the weight.

"I thought she might be jealous," I said. Or maybe I had been worried I would be. When Scarlett was born, I had been apprehensive. I liked having Penny's attention all to myself. But the transition with Scarlett was effortless. We both loved her. At least, I thought Penny loved her.

"James," Daphne said and waited until I turned to her. "It's not true."

"What?"

"Everything the doctor said. I know it isn't true. Penny would never try to kill herself."

"She wrote me a letter and wanted to add it to her will this morning. My lawyer brought up the possibility of suicide with only that information. And the doctor brought it up with just the poison. He didn't even know about the letter." I pulled it out of my pocket and handed it to her.

She quickly scanned the note. "James, she was scared because of her heart murmur. She wrote this in fear. Not in decisiveness."

"Daphne, there were exterminators at our house this morning. She had access to poison."

"I don't care about the poison. Or some letter." She put it back in my hands. "James, she didn't do this."

"That's what I thought at first too, but, Daphne, everything is pointing to that fact. How can you be so sure that she didn't want to die?" I truly wanted to know. Because I no longer knew what to believe. I loved my wife fiercely. And I was having trouble understanding why she didn't love me the same way.

"Because I know what it looks like. I know the signs. My brother..." she paused, her bottom lip trembling. "I beat myself up for not seeing that. But I know the signs now. And Penny was not depressed. She couldn't wait to give birth to her son. She couldn't wait for you to come back from London. She was fighting the news about her heart condition with strength, not fear. She was full of life and laughter and..."

"She thought I cheated on her, okay? Is that what you need to hear? She thought I didn't love her." I was raising my voice.

Daphne grabbed my hand. "Rob was with her when she thought that. There was no lapse of time where she could have ran off and guzzled poison, James. You're lawyer is wrong. The doctors are wrong. Everyone's just...wrong."

"But what if they're not?"

She shook her head. "What if they are? James, I know Penny. We share everything. She's my best friend. And she would never, ever do this. We both feel so lucky in our relationships. Not repressed or scared or upset. Lucky. She would never willingly leave this world. And you know that. I know you do."

I blinked away my tears.

"You know that." She squeezed my hand.

"Can you ask Rob to look into it? I'm tired and..."

"Drunk."

I stared at her. "I had a few drinks. I'm not drunk."

"You can go home and sleep it off. After you meet your son."

Scarlett had just come out.

"Aunt Daphne, isn't he the most beautiful baby?" she said and climbed into Daphne's arms.

"Yes, he is." Daphne smiled as she adjusted Scarlett away from her baby bump. "Go," she said to me.

I walked over to the door and opened it. The air was warmer in the small room. The nurse was just about to put my son back down when she saw me. "Do you want to hold him?"

He was even smaller close up. I nodded and put my arms out. He did fit in my hands. He was so light. His face scrunched up for a moment like he wanted to cry. But then his features softened.

And for the first time since my plane landed, I smiled. I smiled down at my son. Liam. Strong-willed warrior. "I need you to be strong for your mom. Because she's being strong for us."

I looked over to the window. Scarlett had her hand pressed against the glass, like she wished she was with us. And it felt like ice melted off my heart. My family wasn't broken. But it was breaking. Someone was trying to ruin us.

"I'll be back," I whispered to my son. "I promise I'll be back." I reluctantly gave him back to the nurse and stepped into the hall. "Can you watch her for one more minute? I'll be right back."

Daphne smiled and nodded, like she knew where I was going. But where else would I be fucking going? My wife was in the hospital. And it was about time I stopped doubting her. Right now she needed me. I wasn't going to let her down twice.

***

"Baby, you won the bet," I said, stroking my thumb along her palm. "It's a boy." I didn't know who else had visited her. I didn't know if she could hear me. "You won, but I'm the one that needs a wish. I need you to come back to me." I reached up and pushed her bangs off her forehead, trying not to cringe at the coolness of her skin. "Do you hear me, Penny? I need you. Scar needs you. Liam needs you."

I smiled at hearing his name out loud. "You were right. I wanted a son. But I was scared that I'd ruin him. I was scared he'd be too much like me." I looked down at the tube sticking out of her mouth. I wanted her to smile. I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be okay. "I read your letter." I put my other hand on top of hers, sandwiching her small hand between mine, trying to warm her skin. "And I'm going to deny your request."

I could imagine her pouting.

"I'm going to be a terrible father from here on out. I'm going to ruin our son. I'm going to get high every night. I'm never going to smile. And I'm going to pine over you. Do you hear me?"

I imagined a line of worry appearing on her forehead.

"So you better wake up. Because our family's future depends on you. It always has. I know you want to wake up. Now you have an even better reason to."

She'd probably slap me right now if she was awake. Or tell me I was impossible. Or poke me in the middle of my chest and yell at me. And that's what I wanted. I wanted her to be feisty and strong and wake the fuck up. Our family needed her. I needed her.

"I'm going to find out what happened. I'm going to take care of it. You just focus on getting better, okay?" I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. The softness of her skin was the only thing that remained the same. "Fight for us, baby. Be as strong as I know you are."

I stared down at her. "You know, some people say another person shouldn't complete you. That you should be whole without having to rely on another soul. That you should just be happy the way you are. Do you know what I say to that? Fuck them. I don't care if no one understand us. I don't care if something like this isn't comprehensible to the average person. Because the average person hasn't experienced this love. Our love. Our story. A great love."

I swallowed hard. "Because I swear I can't breathe without you. I swear my heart will stop beating when yours does. And I swear I wouldn't want it any other way. So wake up. If the threat of me ruining our family isn't enough, think about that. Our children not having either of us. Not getting to experience growing up in a house full of love and laughter. Not getting to experience everything we could give them."

I ignored the twitch of my eye.

"I read your story and I'm sorry. I got you a publishing deal and I'm sorry. I lied to you about my trip and I'm sorry. And for five years I've believed that I'm addicted to you." I wasn't sure I would have said that if I thought she could hear me. But I needed her to know. That I had lived with that fear. "This whole time."

I ignored the twitch of my eye again.

"I'm not addicted to you," I lied. I needed to say it out loud, even though it wasn't true. I needed her to know I was trying to be strong too. I needed her to know that I did believe what we had was love. Even though I now had the proof that our love was infected by my problems. Even though I had always known in the back of my head. "I'm not addicted to you," I said again, more for myself than for her. "But I do love you. I love you with everything that I am. Come back to me, baby."

My words were greeted by the whirls and beeps of machines.

"Because this is love. Not addiction." I put my hand on the center of her chest and smiled at the feeling of her heartbeat. "You've always understood. You've always seen the truth."

 I put my forehead against hers. "You've always been the light to my darkness. And, Penny, I can't survive without your light."