I studied my half-dressed, blurry self, peering closer at the chrome of the fridge. “I’m not wearing leather pants to zombie night.”
“But you must,” Becca said, clapping after each syllable for effect. She was clad in a red and white checkered apron, an item I truly had no idea she owned, with her wild hair pulled up in a high pony-tail and secured by a red ribbon. There was the sneaking suspicion that she was channeling her own version of Betty Crocker as she finished putting together a cake to cap off the night.
Though, let’s not be crazy here. The red velvet cake 100% came from a box.
“She’s right,” Jade piped in, seated primly on a stool. We had a tiny two-top (that we turned into a three-top with an extra stool) shoved against the wall across from the fridge. “Look at dat ass.”
“Nope.” I took—or, more like peeled—off the pants until I was back to being clad in a red g-string and bra. “I’ll be right back. I’m changing into something decent.”
“Or you could just wear that,” Becca said. When she spun around, flour now coated her chin. “I feel like Spence would be fine with it. Though I’m not. There’s raw cake here. Be sanitary.”
“Guys!” I regarded them, hands on my hips. “A night of brain-eating does not always equal sex.”
Becca narrowed her eyes. “You said to me, and I quote, ‘I totally told Spence I wanted to fuck him.’ And he agreed to it.” She lifted both hands, one holding a batter-soaked egg-beater. “So why not do it tonight? Jade and I will make ourselves scarce, swear.”
Jade nodded, then reached over and swiped some batter onto her finger to taste. Our kitchen was that small. “Proud of you, babe.”
“What the hell was I thinking?” I asked them. “It’s like some other Emme from a parallel universe took over my body and full-on propositioned him.”
“Only you could make seduction sound like a nerd,” Becca said.
“I mean it! Here I am, a girl with no experience—”
“Didn’t you try anal with Trev?” Becca asked.
Jade’s eyes went wide. “Dude.”
“That’s the thing!” A hot creeping feeling was migrating from my chest to my neck, which is usually what happened when I got upset. My skin would betray me and I’d flush with a sunburn. “Everything I’ve done in the past—it’s been for one person. For him. Never because I craved it, or had this passionate, erotic dream of having a guy’s dick up my ass—”
Jade cringed. “Just so I can make this clear, my butt is exit-only.”
“It’s been what he wanted,” I continued. “And I’d go for it because I felt I should, to be a good girlfriend. To be a sexy woman. And if I didn’t, I felt like something was wrong with me.”
“No one should make you feel like that,” Jade said. Then came the menace. “Ever.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s in my past and it’ll stay there, but I know more now. I’m stronger. I feel different things, I…with Spence, it’s all these fantasies and wants and needs, things I didn’t know I could actually crave.”
Becca put the bowl she’d been holding tight to her chest on the counter. “He’s making you feel like every person should before having sex.”
“I want to throw him down, strip him, and do dirty things to him,” I said in a rush. “And I’ve never desired that before. It scares the shit out of me.”
“Sex is meant to be free. Of judgment, inhibitions. If he’s the right guy, nothing you do will make him laugh or embarrass you,” Becca said.
“What if he’s not the perfect guy?” I asked, and to my horror, my voice trembled. “And everything I’m thinking is a lie? I could be naked in front of him and do something that slips us up and totally disappoints him. Spence is a guy who’s slept with countless women, and I’m—”
“Emme Beauregard, a bomb-ass woman who any man would be lucky to see in her underwear, never mind her birthday suit,” Jade cut in. “You can’t let any man make you feel less than a woman. Yes, there are jerks out there—we’ve all encountered one, some more naked than others, but there’s a reason they don’t stay in our lives. Because they suck.”
Becca said, “You can’t go into this thinking you’ve already failed. It’s just a new chapter in your life. Explore it. Hell, have fun with it. Isn’t that what college is all about?”
I managed a smile. “I could say the same for you.”
Becca stiffened and I immediately thought I’d said the wrong thing, but she relaxed into a smile. “You might be right.”
“If it feels right, do it,” Jade said, obliviously on point. “And if it doesn’t, then walk away. There’s no shame.”
I pulled the two of them into a hug, and it was so awkward and flour-driven that were were all laughing and almost toppled into the tiny table we laughingly called our formal dining area.
“Ow!”
“Guys!”
“Omigod, elbows, people.”
“As much as it turns me on to hug you while you’re clad in a thong,” Becca’s muffled voice said into my hair. “You should get dressed. Spence will be here in like, five minutes.”
“Crap!”
I untangled limbs and sprinted into my room, trailing cake mix and sugar along the way.
#
When Spence arrived in a simple blue shirt and jeans, I was glad I didn’t listen to my two fairy godmothers and went with a hoodie and exercise shorts. But Becca, being true to form, did ensure that I at least had matching, lacy, cake batter-free underwear on underneath.
Jade had already made the popcorn and crafted drinks (beer), so everything was set when I opened the door. I had no busywork to do, no way to dispel this nervous energy except to sit beside Spence on the couch, introduce him to Becca, and try not to hop up to clean and dust the living room.
“What kind of movies do you guys watch on nights like these?” Spence asked politely, as if he were used evenings devoted specifically to live corpses.
“I think tonight is reality-themed,” Jade said as she hopped over us to claim a spot at the other end of the couch. She handed Spence a beer on the way.
“Apocalypse survival,” I explained.
“No way,” Spence said, and the jump in his eyebrows led me to believe he was honestly interested. He made himself comfortable, his leg pressing into mine. Despite his denim, I felt the heat and I resisted the urge to nestle in.
“I’ve been waiting all week for this,” Becca said as she plopped herself on the floor in front of the couch. She clicked through our DVR menu, stopping when she found the show she wanted. She turned to Spence. “Fair warning, there’s a serious quiz after this. Get anything wrong and you have to chug that half bottle of whiskey over there.”
Spence laughed.
“She’s not playing,” I said into Spence’s ear. “The bottle’s plastic. Quality stuff.”
His smile vanished.
Jade got the lights and soon we were immersed in what to do when the zombies attack and you’re in an urban landscape. I stifled a grin by stuffing more popcorn in my mouth when Spence’s arm creeped over my shoulders and pulled me closer. I covered a giggle when my fingers walked over to his and we were secretly holding hands under the popcorn bowl. Pretty positively, Jade and Becca were witnessing everything, but it was fun to play like we were in the movies in eighth grade sneaking moves on each other.
When the forty-minute episode ended, I reluctantly untangled myself from Spence and readied to help with clean-up and any refreshers on beer.
“You got another one we could watch?” Spence asked, surprising all of us—most of all, Becca.
“You’re serious,” she said.
“Uh oh,” Jade said.
“I have three whole seasons,” Becca said before any of us could argue.
“Cool.” Spence pulled me back to him, and I scooted in, inordinately pleased that Spence was making Becca happy. “Let’s watch a couple more before you quiz me. I want to make sure I’m fully up to snuff.”
“I’m gonna get us more beers,” Jade said, and stood up in surrender. “Or possibly the whole bar.”
#
We watched four more episodes before Spence was fully satisfied with his undead knowledge. We’d each had at least three beers and two slices of cake, which meant we were entirely prepared for Becca’s onslaught of pre-thought-out questions that she’d taken the time to print and underline in red.
Perched on our one armchair, glasses on and pen poised, Becca had us answer each question in succession. Her teacher-voice wavered the further we delved into it, mostly because Spence was getting every swerve she threw at him right. Jade and I were failing miserably as usual, but at least the whiskey bottle didn’t end up with me. Jade was the poor loser, and trooper that she was, she chugged about a third, made that cough-vomit noise, then retreated into her room. It took Becca about two seconds to realize she was alone with Spence and I at one o’clock in the morning, so she very obviously yawned and said, “Jeepers, I’m pooped. ‘Night guys.”
In the span of a minute, the theme party had ended and the living room was silent, save for Spence's and my breathing.
“Um,” I said, and clamped my lips together. What should I do? Say? I’d confidently propositioned him two days ago. He must be wondering where that Emme had gone.
“This was fun,” Spence said, his arm slung over the back of the couch.
He seemed relaxed and without a care in the world. Like if I leaned in for a kiss or not, he’d be good either way. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed by that.
“I don’t think you understand what happened tonight,” I said.
“No?”
“You’ve now obtained a rare honor, bestowed by one Becca Reese, of acceptance.”
Spence combed his fingers through his hair. It was the sexiest maneuver I’d ever seen. “You mean…I’m the Zombie King?”
I batted him on the shoulder. “The fact that you got through four back-to-back episodes and she didn’t yell at you once, in addition to getting every one of her questions right, Becs didn’t see you coming. To shock and awe her is a feat.”
Spence hooked my hand, bringing my fingers to his lips. I contained the shiver. “I like her, too.”
And that was the thing. My friends liked Spence. In Becca’s case—adored. That hadn’t ever happened before. To have my best friends want to hang out with the guy I was into, it made me all gushy inside.
“But not as much as I like you,” he said. My knuckles were still close enough to feel his exhaled words.
It was a line. Spence knew it, I knew it, but it didn’t matter. His breath was warm on my skin. His scent curled around me like smoke. And all I wanted to do, all I’d ever wished for with him, was lean in and hold those lips against mine.
Spence beat me to it.
He rocked forward and my mouth molded against his like we’d always been carved that way. Spence’s arms came around me, mine dove around his shoulders and we deepened, fell, flat on the couch, his body covering mine, our lips never parting. His breath quickened—hot—his tongue like melted sundae chocolate, and I brought him in, my fingers twirling up his shirt, feeling the muscles constricting on his lower back, his hips grinding against mine, and suddenly, my shorts were no match for the hard, firm heat stroking between my legs.
“Wait,” I said against his mouth. “W-wait.”
He pulled back. “You okay?”
Spence’s face was so close. I could see the jeweled flecks in his eyes, the stubble decorating his cheeks.
This man was gorgeous. He wanted me. Yet the snake of fear, of self-consciousness, slithered its way through regardless.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, and it came out as a whisper.
“That’s all right.” He pushed up on his hands, and once he was seated, pulled me up beside him. He stroked my hair out of my face. “It’s fine. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
I ducked my chin. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For the way I’m acting. One minute I flirt with you, tell you I want to sleep with you, and the next I duck and cover. I’m not trying to be a tease—”
“Hey.” Spence crooked under my chin. “I’ve never thought of you and tease in the same sentence. We’re having fun, getting to know each other, figuring out boundaries. It should be harmless.”
Harmless. That word stuck against my skin. I found Spence to be everything but harmless. He was probably thinking of those innocent moments, such as when we were bantering across the study table or the time he challenged my pen to a sword fight every time Dante’s world eluded me. Or how about the way he seemed to have a special smile, a sweet stare, whenever I said something particularly funny. What he didn’t understand was that those were the most dangerous times. Those pieces collected, shaping themselves against each other until every flicker of a grin, every brush of a hand, filled the entirety of my heart until there was nothing left but Spence.
Yet, he was able to keep important parts of himself safe. Secured and locked, while with excruciating skill, he collected fractions of me, each one crafted to fit into his understanding of the Emme he saw in front of him.
Which meant, if Spence found me harmless, if he was just playing a fun senior game in his last year of college, there was a risk I couldn’t handle it. That my puzzled heart would break.
Spence lowered his hand carefully. “Should I go?”
“No,” I surprised myself by saying. Despite the warnings and the logic, I couldn’t let him leave. I raised my eyes to his. “Would you stay the night? Not to…I mean, would you just stay with me?”
Spence brushed the pad of his thumb across my cheek, then said, “Yeah. I can.”
He held my hand as we headed to my bedroom. I’d left a lamplight on and we were bathed in a golden glow as soon as Spence quietly shut the door behind us.
As I was unzipping my hoodie, he asked, “Uh…mind if I take off my jeans to sleep? They’re pretty uncomfortable right now.”
My face split into a grin, and the moment was lightened. He laughed with me. “Yes, yes, of course,” I said.
I decided to stay in a tank and boy shorts and slipped under the covers, but not before I caught the bob of his Adam’s apple. He was skilled, I could admit, and quickly glanced away as if he hadn’t studied the entire length of my body in zero-point-two seconds.
Spence followed suit after stripping off both his pants and shirt, giving me a moonlit view of the span of his torso, both flawed and flawless. It had me second-guessing what I was trying to accomplish by having him sleep half-naked beside me. Platonically.
The twin bed concaved with his weight but I didn’t mind. For the first time, I realized I missed the familiarity of a warm body in bed next to mine, someone that could take the place of a heater in winter, a pillow in summer. It was nice, hearing his breath, knowing I could roll over and find the crevice between his neck and shoulder at any point during the night.
I reached over to my nightstand and flicked the light off. What I didn’t expect were his arms to find me and pull me flush against his chest. Spence found my temple, kissed it, before burrowing deeper into the bed and letting out a deep sigh. “Good night, Emme.”
I wrapped my arm over his. “‘Night, Spence.”
And that was it. He didn’t push his hips into my ass, never tried to cajole me into turning around for another hot-and-heavy session. Spence simply would spend the night and hold me, as I asked, and would’ve let me fall asleep.
That fact was both terrifying and revitalizing. The more I laid there, with him wrapped around me, the more certain I became about what I wanted. The dreams I had, both waking and at night, about him. The ways I wanted to lick and suck, to pin his arms above his head and travel the muscles of his body with my tongue. I ached for control, confidence, to hear a man groan underneath my pleasure.
My own mind would play games and employ tricks. That I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t simply have him physically because I wanted the sex. And it would stay that way until something was done, until I proved to myself that you know what? I was damned good enough.
If I didn’t do something, the dreams would surely kill me. I could have him, right now, and finally put the what-ifs to rest. I didn’t need tequila for this. I needed confidence.
I rolled over.
“Mm?” In the gloom, Spence raised his brow in sleep.
Amazing, how fast he could conk out.
With a slow grin, I moved until I was straddling him.
I waited until the whites of his eyes glittered in the city lights coming through my window that never truly allowed my room to darken. Slowly, I peeled off my shirt.
His hands found my hips, and he whispered, “What are you doing?”
I grabbed his wrist and trailed his fingers across my stomach. With my hand covering his, I dragged it up my torso until it reached my breast. My nipples were already hard.
Spence closed his eyes and groaned, his free hand gliding around to my lower back, cupping my ass through my shorts. “Are you sure? Emme…I need you to be sure.”
I hoped he could see my smile coming through the shadows. Leaning forward, I said against his lips, “I am damned sure.”
Spence caught my lower lip between his teeth before I could sit up again and continue the show. With one arm hooked around my waist, he spun us effortlessly until I was below him and he towered above, blotting out any light.
“No,” I said.
Spence froze. “What?”
Though what he really wanted to say, probably, was, Fuck.
“I want to…let me be on top.”
“Oh.” His shoulders moved with a laugh, which eventually shook the whole bed. “Jesus, Emme, I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’ll do whatever you need, but—”
I lifted up and found his lips, his incredible, talented mouth, dipping my tongue in, asking—no, showing who wanted to be in charge. With a gentle shove, I had him on his back again, took my rightful place above him, and found all the places on his neck, jaw, clavicle, that I wanted to kiss and nip.
Spence used his fingers to slide underneath the sides of my shorts, gliding down, finding my thong with a groan and causing shivers, and when he slipped his fingers inside me I went dizzy, melting into the black.
“Keep your eyes open,” he said. “Look at me.”
Eye contact was a new one for me, but I did as he asked and held steady while every other part of me was shuddering. I could see why he liked it.
It would be so easy to fall into his ecstasy, especially by the way Spence was responding to my moans, the bulge of him rubbing against his fingers, my core, but while I loved his distractions, I wanted something more.
I dragged my lips across his, meeting his thrusts but stroking my hand down the safe side of his torso, swirling over his abs until I slipped into his boxers and stroked.
Spence’s chin shot up and he groaned, his fingers becoming more demanding as my strokes became longer, smoother. Both our sounds were matching the other, exhales, inhales, caresses of pleasure.
I started shaking, close to the brink, but stopped, pulling away from his fingers. An aching emptiness opened up after he no longer filled me, unexpected, but I headed down. Spence watched every moment, his chest spiking up and down, his body ready.
With Spence’s very quick, eager help, we had his boxers and my shorts off. Scars didn’t matter anymore, but for him, I avoided his burn, carefully curving my knuckles over the elastic waist without touching skin and sliding down. I slid my hands underneath his thighs, curving around, holding still until my mouth found him.
“Fuck…Emme.” His voice was gravel, grit through his teeth.
Coupled with my hand, my tongue curved its tricks and with every noise of pleasure he made, I became wetter. He fisted my hair, not gently but not firmly, more to hold on and stay grounded, but that turned me on incredibly. He was big and firm, and the thought of him going inside me, filling that spot of emptiness he left behind with his fingers, I nearly came at the fantasy.
This didn’t have to be pretend anymore.
Rising, I took a painful few seconds to find a condom in my nightstand, the movements punctuated only by our cracked, uneven breaths.
With a dextrous rip, I freed the condom from its packaging and stroked it on to Spence. My fingers, dancing across his length, had him making those gorgeous noises again, and with a lick of my lips I swung my leg over him until I was positioned above.
I pushed my thong to the side, using one hand to guide him in, slow. Eye contact, the rush of power and sexiness it gave, the fact I was still in my lingerie, had me meeting his stare the entire time. I wanted to watch his face. Wanted him to see mine as I took him in.
When he was fully inside, I exhaled, sharp and loud. Spence pushed up and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed me, with depth. With feeling as he began to move.
“Oh,” I said as he rocked, the aftertaste of his tongue my lips. “Oh, my God.”
One hand on the bed, the other tangled in my hair, Spence tilted my head back, sucking and biting my neck as he maneuvered his hips, and instead of the ceiling, I saw stars.
When I closed my eyes, instead of the stars, I saw him.