Chapter 13

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen table and guess what I need when I’m at the store.

-Hannah’s secret thoughts

Hannah

Present day

I should’ve known that it was too good to be true.

The bad things started happening the first day after Travis told Allegra how it was going to be, and it started with his daughter.

I was with Travis when we went to pick her up from the parking lot of The Dollar Store where they always met for the exchange.

I should’ve known when Alex got out—on her own volition this time instead of having to be taken out kicking and screaming by Travis—that it was going to be bad.

Alex walked over to the car like she didn’t have a care in the world. She had her backpack on one shoulder, and a smile on her face.

She got into the truck, didn’t complain once about having to sit next to TJ like she normally did, and even set her bag down carefully without jostling the baby or the car seat as she did.

I looked over at Travis as he waited for Alex to buckle the seatbelt, and widened my eyes.

He shook his head, feeling about the same as me that this was a rare phenomenon, and shrugged.

The drive all the way to dinner was nerve wracking as we both waited for the other shoe to drop.

But it never did. Not then. Not fifteen minutes into dinner. Not when Leida went up to Alex and gave her a hug—they were nearly the same age, and had been the best of friends since they both were born.

“I’m glad that she’s back,” Travis’ mother, Allora, mused. “It’s nice to have her talking and being friendly instead of sitting in a corner and spitting at us when we get too close.”

I winced.

I hadn’t actually been here for any of their interactions for a while—at least a couple months before TJ was born. So this was news hearing that Alex was less than nice. At least to her grandmother, that was.

Not that it surprised me.

Alex was that kid. The one that you hated but loved at the same time.

I couldn’t help but love her. She was part of Travis. A huge part of him that he loved with all of his heart, so how could I not love her?

But being her friend had not happened. She’d scorned every and any attempt that I’d made to get to know her. I bought her presents. Clothes. Took her to see movies. I was the best friend that everyone loved—but Alex. Alex hated me, and made no attempt to hide that fact.

“Fuckin’ breath of fresh air,” Colder, Travis’ father, grunted. “Was starting to think there was something wrong with her.”

“It was like coming back to night and day,” Evander, an employee and friend of Travis, muttered. “I went to jail for four years. When I’d left, she was always giving hugs, and warm. Then I got back, and it was like the kid had been switched with her alternate alien version. I don’t think I’ve gotten a single hug since I’ve been back.”

Kennedy, Evander’s wife, curled up to his side. “Well, four years is a long time for a child. They grow up, change, and move on. It’s very possible that she is a different kid, at least in the knowledge sense. She’s more capable of comprehending the things that go on around her.”

I.e., the divorce, and her parents no longer being together. Not to mention the fact that I’d had a baby with her father.

Yeah, those kinds of things.

“Whatever the reason, I’m just glad she’s not spitting at you. That shit drives me insane, and I want to spank her ass. But you damn well know the minute you do anything to her, her mother is going to report it to the cops. The kid could use a good ass whoopin’,” Colder muttered.

I couldn’t agree more, yet I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

“Did you see that Allegra’s in another commercial?” Baylor asked, sidling into the conversation, taking a seat, and deftly removing a sleeping TJ from his mother’s arms. “This one was for a ‘darn good deal.’ She even spread out the cash like she used to.”

Allegra Levaux was Hostel royalty. Her father owned a chain of car lots, and was richer than Elvis—as well as more popular around here.

“Yeah, it was annoying as fuck,” Baylor continued when nobody spoke. “She does this wave and dance that lifts her skirt up. Looks like a total hoochie.”

I didn’t reply, trying not to get sucked into this ‘trash Allegra’ business that Travis’ family always fell into the moment that they could. I tried not to do that. Maybe because I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it to me, and also, because Alex always seemed to know when someone was talking bad about her shitty mom. Like now.

She was staring at us from where she was sitting outside, watching, but not moving.

“You have company,” I gestured toward Alex. “Let’s not talk about this. I swear, it feels like that kid has super hearing or something. She always knows when her mother is being talked about—like a sixth sense or something.”

Baylor said something under his breath and changed the subject.

“So, are you and Trav going to have any more babies?”

I looked at Baylor in surprised.

“Uhh, no,” I said. “We have three total together. It’s simpler if we just deal with what we have. That, and I’m not a good pregnant person. I gained fifty pounds, and I’m still carrying twenty-five of it around on my hips two months later.”

Allora snorted. “I’m carrying around fifty pounds thirty years later. You have no worries.”

Baylor snorted. “You popped out eight kids. You look damn good for that.”

I agreed. Allora and Colder had six boys and two girls, all of which were over ten pounds each. She did damn good.

Travis passed by the window, ruffled Leida’s hair, and went to Reggie. She was sitting on the swing set, pumping her little legs to carry her higher and higher.

Then my heart leapt into my throat as she launched herself out of the swing.

Travis caught her, but that didn’t make my heart feel any better.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, looking away from Reggie, who was laughing hysterically and already running back toward the swing set. My best guess, to do it again.

But by averting my eyes, I inadvertently dropped them down to Alex, who was watching her father with such a look of longing that it made me freeze.

The others around us, however, continued talking about a football game that was coming on in an hour, and didn’t see the devastated little girl.

I sure did, though.

And when Baylor walked outside with a now awake TJ and offered him to Travis so he could capture Leida and swing her up into his arms, I didn’t miss the look Alex gave Travis’ back, again.

It was one of anger, resentment, and calculation.

***

Seven hours later, at two in the morning, I heard a soft thump.

My brows furrowing, I got up, thinking that it’d been a little bit longer than TJ normally went between feedings, and started down the hall to TJ’s room.

I’d just pushed the door open when I saw a form standing over TJ’s bed.

I flipped on the lights and saw Alex, standing on a chair, glaring down at TJ.

The moment the light flicked on, Alex turned and I saw the hatred there.

“Alex, what are you doing?”

She looked so much like her mother that it kind of sickened me a little.

Not that I’d ever admit as much. Travis didn’t need to hear or know my inner musings.

“I hate him.”

I blinked.

“Alex…”

“I hate you, too.”

That I knew.

“I wish you would die.”

My jaw worked. “But he’s a baby, and I don’t wish he would die. I wish he weren’t born, though. Every single day.”

I walked further into the room and closed the door behind me, then walked up to the chair that I used to rock TJ while I nursed him in the middle of the night.

“Alex,” I paused, looking at her. “I know you don’t like me.”

Her eye twitched.

“But what I don’t understand is why you would hate a baby. He’s done nothing to you. But if you gave him a chance, you might actually like him.”

“He’s the reason that my mommy and daddy will never be back together.”

There were so many things wrong with that statement that I didn’t know where to begin.

“Your mommy and daddy were divorced for an entire two years before TJ came into the picture, baby,” I told her softly. “They were never going to get back together.”

Her eyes flared with anger.

“My mommy told me that they were, and that if you weren’t there telling Daddy you would hurt me, that he would be with her right now.”

Oh, God.

That woman.

That fucking woman.

What a bitch!

“Alex, sweetheart.” I leaned forward. “I would never, ever do that.”

She tossed me an unbelieving glare and climbed down from the stool.

Of course, when she did, she accidentally knocked it against the bed, causing TJ to wake up.

Knowing the moment that his eyes opened that he’d need to eat, I went ahead and picked him up, changed him, and used the time with my back to the little girl to plan out what I was going to say next.

I didn’t say another word until I was in the chair and feeding him.

She just watched me with narrowed eyes, her smart little brain taking in everything at once.

“My mommy says that is disgusting. We saw you doing it at your job the other day, and Mommy said that she was very offended by watching you.”

Well, then.

“Your mommy had the option to feed you like that, but chose not to. Every woman gets the same choice. Some choose to, and some choose not to,” I told her.

Why I’d taken the time to explain it all to her, I didn’t know.

She was likely too young to comprehend what that meant, but I didn’t bother pausing as I explained.

“Breasts are made to nourish a child,” I explained as I rocked. “Not all women breastfeed, but a lot do. I do. Not because I’m all gung ho on breastfeeding, but because it’s cheaper.”

That was really the reason.

I hated the idea of spending forty dollars on a can of formula. If I could save money by feeding him like nature intended for him to be fed, then that’s what I would do.

“What?” Alex asked. “Mommy said…”

Gently I explained to her the art of breastfeeding, and then she started to ask questions. All during this process, not once did she snarl, get angry, or say anything discourteous at all.

It was actually quite nice to speak to Alex instead of having her be ugly.

“Your daddy and I were talking about going to Disneyland this summer,” I told her. “We’ve already discussed the benefits of staying there, rather than just visiting for the day. If you were to go, would you want to stay there, or maybe stay at the beach?”

Technically we were going to do both, but I liked talking to her without the nasty words thrown in. It was therapeutic in a way.

“I’d rather go to Disneyland than the beach,” she said, then explained her reasons why.

By the time I was putting TJ back to bed with a full stomach, it was a half hour away from when I’d wake up anyway, so I decided to get an early start on breakfast before I had to be at work by eight that morning.

The entire time, I had a little girl that was very interested in everything I had to say, and a touch of hope that one day we could be more than enemies.