Chapter Twenty-Six
Ember
I kept my body plastered to Josh’s back as the highway flew beneath us at a dizzying speed. It wasn’t that I hated motorcycles really, or that I didn’t trust Josh. He was one of those guys with a gift for driving, flying…anything where he became part of the machine.
My dislike of motorcycles was that I felt like we hovered just an instant away from death. One miscalculation, one shift of weight, one car not paying attention, and we’d be hurled from the bike, our bodies still going seventy-five miles an hour.
Riding a motorcycle reminded me constantly how delicate my life was, how easy it was to die, which made me nervous, anxious for safety. But for Josh, it did the opposite, feeding his need to walk that delicate line, to push just a little further over the line… One percent over.
Our disagreement over this bike stemmed from the simple fact that I saw it as a way to die, and Josh needed it as a way to live. And maybe I hated the bike even more for it, like it was this dirty little mistress lurking in a corner of his mind, ready to steal him away from me at the first opportunity.
We rode for entirely too long until Josh pulled off onto a smaller road, reaching a giant sign that read Barringer Crater.
A small ridgeline loomed before us as we parked the Ducati. I took off my jacket and protective pants, revealing shorts and a pink, halter-neck tank. The gear was meant for hot-weather riding, but there was zero chance I was hiking around in pants and long sleeves, not in a hundred degrees. Josh did the same, packing it all into my backpack before carrying it himself.
“Ready?” he asked, holding out his hand.
“Sure,” I said, intertwining our fingers perfectly. We hiked the short distance to the top of the ridge, the heat dry but still oppressive. The sun was setting as we crested the incline, casting the desert sky in gorgeous swirls of orange and pink.
“Wow.” The crater was huge—maybe “vast” was a better word. “It makes me feel so…”
“Small?” Josh supplied.
“Yeah,” I answered, trying to get some kind of perspective on the sheer size. Even the little astronaut cutout far at the bottom wasn’t helping me get a grasp. It was hard to keep my eyes on the steps as we descended a little ways into the crater.
“Hey, we’re closing soon,” one of the attendants told us as we passed by the red brick museum. By the looks of the empty path, we were the last ones there.
“We don’t need much time,” Josh promised.
The guy nodded with a reluctant sigh and let us pass. At least running had kept me in fairly good shape—I wasn’t too badly winded by the hike. I was, however, a sweaty mess. I forgot all about the heat, even the damn motorcycle ride, with every step onto the metal observation deck.
“I used to come here when I was having a bad day,” Josh said, “or if I needed a little jolt to remind me just how small everything is when you step back and really look at the big picture.”
“And now?” I asked.
“Now it speaks to a different part of me.” He stared into the distance with a look I knew all too well, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was really here with me, or thinking about the crash.
“It’s huge,” I said, hoping to bring him back.
“About three-quarters of a mile across and over five hundred feet deep.” He leaned on his elbows, looking over the metal railing.
“And the meteor that caused it all?”
He gave me that deer-in-the-headlights expression that told me I’d be better off Googling. I laughed and pulled out my cell phone. “No problem.” A few swipes later and I had all the information I’d ever want on the crater. I scanned through it quickly. “They think it was one hundred and sixty feet across.”
“So little compared to all of this.”
I scanned through the rest of the article. “Sometimes the littlest catalysts cause the biggest impacts.”
He pulled me in front of him and wrapped his arms around me, my back pressed to his chest. “Like you.”
I tilted my head back to look up at him, and his small smile lit my heart with the same colors as the sunset. My love for Josh never ceased; it grew steadily every day, but it never failed to surprise me how quickly he could make me slip right back into teenage-infatuation mode. That giddy feeling kept me hooked on him like the most addictive drug. “How like me? Because I came crashing into your life?” I joked.
“Yes and no,” he answered. “You were this tiny girl in high school. I’m not an idiot—I didn’t love you then, but I sure loved the idea of you. Someone smart, brave, gorgeous in a way that didn’t need an hour in front of the mirror to go to a game. I’d seen plenty of hot girls by then, but you were the first really beautiful one, inside and out.”
I pressed a kiss to his bicep. “Not sure I made the impact back then.”
“No, you did. Enough that when your dad said your name that day…the first time…in Kandahar, my heart leaped. Because of you, he knew who I was. Because of you, he pushed me to get back onto the ice. Because of you, I went back to college hockey. Before I knew you well enough to honestly love you, you’d already altered my world in ways you couldn’t have known. So small, but such a huge impact.”
I took in the crusted lines of earth around the crater, the sparse vegetation that persevered in the desert heat, the way the earth hadn’t softened to heal its wound. “A pretty long-lasting impact, by the look of it.”
He turned me in his arms, bracing me against the railing, and tilted my chin up. “A permanent impact, December. But you change me every day, make me want to be a better man for you.”
He kissed me lightly, sweetly, tasting like promise and mint from his gum. “I love you,” I whispered.
“I’m not sure love is strong enough to describe how I feel about you, but I guess it will have to do.”
I leaned on my tiptoes and kissed him. For that one moment, there was no helicopter crash, no deployment, no fights, no nightmares. In the breath of that kiss, it was just us, and the love that would see us through the worst of this storm. I wanted it to last forever, but the park closed, and a picture later, we were speeding back toward Winslow.
“No, seriously, they have the best strawberry malts here, ever,” Josh said, pointing to the picture on the menu. I turned back and forth on the bar stool at the fifties-themed diner as I debated dinner. As date-nights went, Josh was rocking it.
“They look really good,” I said as I scoped out the huge milkshake handed across the bar to a customer a few seats down.
I gave in as we ordered, already drooling over the thought of that ice cream. “So you used to hang out here?”
Josh casually pointed to the corner booth. “I did my homework there every day after school.”
“You did homework?” I teased.
“Hey, you made the grades or you didn’t get on the ice. B average or better or you got cut.”
“Thank God for hockey.”
He gave me a smacking kiss. “Hey, it got you to notice me.”
I laughed as he headed off to the bathroom. Our malts arrived a few minutes later, with a wink and a smile from the older waitress. “Thank you,” I told her, and then lost myself in strawberry bliss.
Heaven, I thought as I sucked the concoction through the long straw, holding on to the stemmed glass like my life depended on it. I bet this is why he loves strawberry ice cream.
The bell rang to my right, announcing new customers as I happily ruined my dinner. I glanced over to see three guys walk in. The one standing in the center searched the diner for something, rubbing his hand over a shaved head.
“I’d know that fucking bike anywhere,” he said.
“Evan, I highly doubt—” the guy on the right started.
“Walker!” The center one shouted in excitement, his eyes still scanning the seats.
I let the straw fall from my lips, looking to see if Josh was back yet. Nope. Well, maybe they meant a different—
“Josh Walker!” Evan called again, walking past me.
Nope, they definitely were looking for Josh. “He’s in the bathroom,” I answered.
Evan looked me over in a way that made me want to shower. Alone. Then he leaned in way too close, bracing his hand right next to my malt. “And who might you be, princess?” Logically, I knew I wasn’t in danger, but this asshat might be if he got any closer.
“My fiancée,” Josh called, and I wanted to fist-pump. “Now get the fuck away from her, E.”
“Holy shit, he lives!” Evan called, turning from me to launch at Josh with a hug.
Josh hugged him back with a laugh. The two were nearly comparable in height and build, Josh having only a couple inches on him. Josh shook the other guys’ hands, and then cut through them to take his seat next to me.
They flanked us at the counter, the shortest one taking the stool next to mine. “Tom.” He introduced himself by shaking my hand. “And you are?”
“Ember,” I said with a smile.
“Nice to meet the girl who nailed him down.” He motioned toward Josh, and then leaned across the counter. “Hey, Mrs. White! Give me a Coke and a piece of apple pie?”
She waved at him with a nod.
“Yeah, me, too,” the other one with the dark hair said from the other side of Evan.
“Use your manners, Samuel!” the woman called back.
“Yes, Mom.”
Josh laughed, the sound clear and honest. “Good to see some things don’t change.”
“Yeah,” Evan said, “but some sure as hell do. What have you been up to? I see your mom from time to time, but she’s not exactly in a talkative mood.”
“That’s because she still hates you,” Josh answered. “Thanks, Mrs. White,” he said as she put our dinners in front of us.
“Hey, I never made you do any of that shit. Fuck, you were talking me into it most of the time.”
“What shit is this?” I asked, leaning around Josh.
“Oh no.” Josh leaned forward to block Evan. “No, no, no. There’s a reason I haven’t told you any of that.”
It should have been funny, and I faked the appropriate smile, but it stung something deeper. You’re so good at not telling me the inconvenient things.
“You don’t talk about us? Now I’m hurt. Where’s the love?”
“Plenty of love,” Josh said between bites. “I just have a different life.”
“Doing what?” Samuel asked, stealing a fry from Josh’s plate. I bit into my own, savoring the salt.
Josh looked my way and then back to Samuel. “I fly helicopters for the army, now.”
“No shit?” Evan remarked. “What? Not getting enough thrills from the bike, you gotta take it to the sky?”
You have no idea. I kept my thoughts to myself as I devoured my burger, hungrier than I’d initially thought. Besides, I wasn’t giving Josh an excuse to shut them up. I’d learn way more about this part of his life by being quiet than I would by asking questions.
“Something like that,” he answered as their pies were delivered.
“Is that where you got the hardware?” Tom pointed to Josh’s air cast, and I paused, my French fry suspended an inch from my lips.
“Something like that,” he repeated.
“Yeah, okay. Well, do you want to something-like-that with us for a little ride?”
Josh’s eyebrows shot sky-high. “Tonight?”
“No, next week when you inevitably disappear under whatever rock you’ve been hiding under for the last eight years. Yes, tonight.”
I polished off my burger and waited for Josh’s answer.
“I’m kind of on a date, here, guys.” Josh’s answer was weak, even to my ears.
“She gets you the rest of your life. We’re just asking for a couple hours. Besides, you should see the bike the Klemensky brothers put together. It’s fucking fast.”
“They’re like twelve, what the hell are they doing working on bikes?”
Evan laughed. “They were twelve eight years ago, man.”
“Right. Of course.”
“Well, what do you say? You want to see it?” Tom pushed.
Josh asked me with raised eyebrows.
“Just a ride?” I asked, trying not to sound like a nagging fiancée.
“Just a ride,” he promised. “I’ll even have you home by curfew. Besides, now you’ll get to see what you keep asking about.” The naked pleading in his voice was my undoing. Weren’t we here for him? To give him a little respite from the hell we’d been living in for the last month?
I scoffed. “Asking once a year is hardly always.”
“Is that a yes?” Excitement lit his eyes in a way I hadn’t seen since before he left on the deployment.
“Okay. Just a ride.”
“Just a ride.” His smile was breathtaking.
“Just a ride!” the other three said in unison, saluting me.
I laughed, unable to keep a serious face. Josh paid the bill, and we headed out to the bike. I put on all my protective gear, thankful that it was designed so I didn’t sweat to death.
“What are you thinking?” Josh asked, strapping my helmet. I was more than capable of doing it myself, but I loved how protective the gesture was.
“Oh, there’s a lot going on in here,” I answered.
He sat sideways on the bike and tugged me between his legs. “Enlighten me.”
I made sure the other guys couldn’t hear from where they were parked. “You have never once mentioned these guys.”
His smile faded. “There’s good reason for it. Good reason that I don’t search them out when we’re here, and I don’t keep in touch.”
“But you’re friends?”
“They were some of my best friends. They also sat in the back of cop cars with me so often that by sixteen we were court-ordered not to be within fifty feet of each other until we turned eighteen.” Josh shrugged. “Small town.”
“You trust them?”
“With everything but you,” he answered.
“Why is that?”
His arms wound around my back. “I don’t trust anyone with you. Hell, it killed me to ask Will to come over and…” The light in his eyes died swiftly as he realized what he’d said.
“Fix the disposal?” I finished for him. He nodded. “You can talk about him. It’s okay.”
“No. I can’t. That’s one of our problems, right?”
“We have more than one?” I whispered.
His mouth snapped shut. “Nothing we can’t get past once I’m back to normal.”
It was a roundabout way of admitting that he wasn’t okay, so I’d take it. “Okay. When you’re ready.”
He swallowed, looking over at his friends and then back to me. “What else are you thinking?”
I glanced at the guys who were currently throwing raunchy remarks at each other. “That Jagger has more common sense in his pinky, but he’d like them.”
“And Grayson?”
I scrunched my nose.
Josh let out a half laugh. “Yeah, he’d have no tolerance for these guys.”
“Are you coming? Or did you grow a vagina in the last eight years?” Evan called out.
Josh flipped him the middle finger, then snapped his helmet and swung his leg over the Ducati. “Want to snuggle?”
“Very cute,” I said, climbing on behind him and then doing just that.
We followed the other three on their motorcycles through the quiet streets of Winslow, more than a few heads turning as we sped by. Josh pushed the speedometer to keep up with the others, and I didn’t give him flack, just held on tighter and tucked my head beside his.
Ten minutes or so after passing the town’s limits, we turned off the highway for a series of smaller roads. Why didn’t these things have coms? I had no way of asking Josh if he knew where we were headed.
We slowed as we passed through the gate of a chain fence, coming upon a crowd of a couple dozen people our age or younger.
Josh pulled to a stop and killed the engine. I removed my helmet. “Okay, where are we?” I asked as he helped me off the bike. His friends had already headed over to the crowd.
“Saturday night in a small town,” he answered with a grin, taking off his own helmet.
“And you know everyone?” I took off my jacket but kept my protective pants on.
Josh looked over the crowd. “More or less. Same crowd different year.” He cupped my chin. “You’re not going to want to know what I think they’re doing.”
My conscience warred with my need to know every little part of him, especially the darkest parts he kept hidden. If I couldn’t handle this, would he trust me enough to tell me about what happened to him in Afghanistan? “I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
“I go where you go.”
“Okay.” He took my hand and walked through the bikes and the crowd as Evan climbed up onto a wooden box everyone had gathered around.
“You made it!” he called over to Josh. “Thought we were going to lose you back there for a while, but we slowed it down for you, Walker.”
Every head turned in our direction. I looked up to Josh, and my breath stuttered in my chest.
His expression had turned hard and more determined than it ever had even while playing hockey. This…this was not my Josh. “Just letting you feel overconfident,” he called back.
Evan laughed, and the group joined. My hand tightened reflexively on Josh’s when more than a few girls raked their eyes up and down his body. “That’s right,” Evan pointed to Josh. “I’ve brought Walker home. Shall we show him what we’ve built since he’s been off flying helicopters?”
The group cheered and then split down the middle, revealing two bikes standing side by side and a long concrete road lit by road flares.
“What is this?” Josh asked.
“A failed attempt at a new airport from about six years ago,” Samuel answered.
“And what are we doing here?” I asked. Not that I didn’t already know. There was only one reason to light a path like that. They’d moved their street racing out of Winslow to this little strip.
Evan pointed to Josh with a sly grin. “He’s going to let me win back my Ducati.”