Chapter Thirty-Four
Ember
My hands shook as I killed the car engine in the hangar parking lot. 8:25 p.m. Thank you God, I made it in time. Twenty minutes until the ceremony was scheduled to start, and I was a hot mess. I shoved a few bobby pins in my hair, trying to put it into some kind of style that didn’t immediately say I’d been traveling for sixteen hours.
Of course this is the way it would happen. I lifted my neckline to my nose and sniffed. Oh. My. God.
I twisted and pulled my bag through the gap in the front seats. I looked around to make sure no one was watching, and then risked an indecent exposure, changing into a clean tank top and semi-wrinkled button-down. The shorts would have to stay. There was zero chance of me stripping down to that level in the parking lot.
Unless Josh wants—
Nope. Not going there.
I gave myself a once-over in the mirror, popped on a coat of mascara and some lip gloss, and declared myself done. Without a shower and a straight-iron, this was as good as I was getting.
The stands were full as I walked into the hangar. I passed the little girls in red-white-and-blue tutus, and the little boys in camo outfits as they danced to the band, making my way up the bleachers until I found an empty seat near the top.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I swiped it to answer when I saw Mom’s picture. “Mom?”
“Hey, honey! I’m so sorry I didn’t answer earlier. I was in my yoga class. Where are you?”
There was something about hearing her voice that crumbled my composure. “I’m at Fort Campbell. I came home a couple of days early, and now Paisley is in labor, and I’m here picking up Josh.”
“Well, that sounds like quite the homecoming for both of you,” she said. I plugged my other ear, trying to hear her better.
I looked around at all the other women in their carefully chosen outfits, their glittery signs, and perfectly done hair. “Mom, I don’t have anything for him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I came straight from the airport. I don’t have a sign, or my hair done, and I’ve been in the same panties since Turkey!”
A few heads snapped in my direction, and I glared them down.
“Ember.”
“This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I was going to have the house perfect, and his Jeep detailed, and a big sparkly, funny sign. My makeup was going to be done, and my legs definitely shaved, and a cute outfit, too. Instead I’ve been traveling for almost sixteen hours, I don’t really know where our relationship stands, and I don’t have anything!” Oh God, I was going to be sick.
“Do you have arms?”
“What?” I damn near shouted. “Yes, I have arms.”
“Then open them. That’s all he needs.”
“Mom. It’s so much more complicated than that.”
“It’s not. December, nothing in the army is perfect. No amount of planning can make a homecoming perfect, and nothing will go as planned. He’s not going to care about any of those details you’re stressed over. He’s only going to care that you’re sitting in those bleachers ready to welcome him home. You are his perfect homecoming.”
“What if he doesn’t want me here?” Giving voice to my worst fear zapped some of my last caffeine-generated energy, and my shoulders drooped.
“He does.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because that boy—that man—he loves you in a way that a deployment doesn’t kill. I know you have a lot to discuss, and I’m not suggesting you forget the way he left, but don’t give up, either, Ember. You and I have the same taste in hardheaded men, so you hold on tight with both hands and fight like hell. And Ember…”
“Yeah?”
“Remember every single thing about this moment. There’s nothing like it.”
The crowd came to their feet with a deafening roar as the hangar doors opened. “I love you, Mom,” I yelled into the phone above the noise.
“I love you, baby. Go get your man.”
We hung up as more than two hundred soldiers marched in through both open hangar doors. The air electrified. My heart slammed against my ribs, and my head started to spin. There were too many emotions fighting for supremacy—my excitement at seeing him, my anger over the way he’d left, my confusion over where we stood—but they were all eclipsed by the stark relief of knowing he’d made it home alive. Tears stung my eyes, as if my body simply couldn’t contain my feelings and needed the outlet.
They came to a stop, and my eyes raked over the lines of soldiers as the Commanding General welcomed the troops home. I didn’t have to look far.
Josh stood at attention in the first row, faced forward. Butterflies attacked my stomach, and everything lower clenched. He was gorgeous. My soul screamed out for his as if it were an actual physical being, desperate to fly forward and get him into my arms. He looked tired and worn but accomplished—haggard but whole, yet empty all at the same time.
I kept locked on to him as the general dismissed the troops and the stands emptied in a rush to the hangar floor. Then I carefully walked down, telling my rebellious body that I couldn’t simply fling myself into his arms. He looked side to side as he walked forward, no doubt searching for Jagger, until he’d reached the bottom of the stands just before I did.
“Josh.” His name came out in a breathless whisper.
His eyes met mine, his jaw dropping slightly. “Ember?”
I took the final step, until I was on the first bleacher, just at his eye-height. “Hi.”
“How…? You’re not supposed to be back for a few more days.”
There was no regret in that tone, right? Damn it, I wanted to throw my arms around his neck. I wanted to kiss him stupid, and then smack him hard for what he’d done to me. I wanted us, complicated futures and all. “I came home early, like you, I guess.” Moron, he knows that. “Are you mad?”
“Hell no,” he said, his gaze darting to my lips.
He still wants you.
Unable to control my hand, I cupped the side of his cheek, thrilling at the scratch of his stubble against my palm. A giant sigh of relief escaped me, and my eyes slid shut. When I opened them, he was staring at me with a cross between want and trepidation. “Can I hug you? I mean, I don’t know what we’re—”
My words were muffled into his shoulder as he pulled me off the bleachers and into his arms. One of his hands wrapped around my back while the other tangled into my hair, pulling my pins loose. His scent enveloped me, and I tilted my head to nudge my nose against his neck, breathing in home. Nothing ever felt as good, as right as when he held me.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he muttered against my hair.
That reminded me… “Jagger—” I shook my head and pulled back from the safety of Josh’s warmth, trying to remember the important stuff. “Paisley is in labor. He sent me.”
Josh straightened immediately. “I’ll get my bag, and let’s go.”
He took my hand and led me through the crowd to where their bags had been lined up. Two heavy bags later, we were marching to the car. I clicked the unlock button, and the taillights on the SUV I’d rented flashed.
“Uh. New car?” he asked, loading his bags into the back after the hatch raised.
“No,” I said. “I rented it at the airport.”
“When?”
“Oh, a couple of hours ago when I landed.” I scrunched my nose. “I’m sorry I’m not more dressed up. I kind of traveled halfway around the world today.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I’d be a hypocrite if I minded, since we’re in the same situation.”
“Right,” I said with an awkward head nod. We stared at each other for a few seconds, our eyes speaking volumes that our lips couldn’t yet say. Then I thrust the keys in his direction. “Think you can keep it at the speed limit?”
He gave me a cocky grin that sent heat spiraling through me. As if my body had sensed his nearness, my sex-drive clicked on, more than ready to make up for lost time and pretty damn uncaring that our relationship was in a gray area. Down girl.
“Let’s go meet Mini-Bateman,” he said and walked me around to my side. He opened the door for me and I climbed in, but before I could pull on the seat belt, he reached across and clicked it in himself like I was twenty again. “I like you safe,” he murmured against my forehead as he slid out of the car to get behind the wheel. My chest tightened and fought my need to kiss the hell out of him.
He was true to his word and kept it at the speed limit as we made our way to the hospital. My hand felt naked without being able to take his, so I gripped the edge of my seat instead. We exchanged sideways glances, until the heavy awkwardness was too much for me. Since when did we ever act like this around each other?
“How are you?” I asked.
His grip shifted on the wheel, his knuckles whitening. “Okay. Better, I guess, in some areas.” His eyes cut toward me. “Worse in others. What about you?”
“You hit the nail on the head,” I said softly.
We pulled into the hospital parking lot, and Josh parked the car. Neither of us said a word as we walked inside the massive building and headed for the maternity ward. The magnetic pull between us was almost too much for me to take as we rode the elevator. Each floor that lit on the display seemed to metaphor my level of need for him. We’re at a four. Nope, make that a five, edging toward six, seven… God, I was about to become a movie cliché and jump him against the wall.
Would that be so bad?
The doors dinged open, saving me from the potential embarrassment of a rejection. This was definitely new territory. Even when we’d started dating, I’d never really been afraid of Josh rejecting me. He’d always been so open, honest with his feelings and his intent when it came to me.
“Paisley Bateman?” I asked the desk nurse.
“Room 804,” she said after checking the board behind her. “But she’s pushing, so there’s a waiting room at the end of the hall, there.”
Holy cow. Any minute now they would be parents. Josh and I walked, nearly touching but not quite, our steps evenly matched. “I still can’t believe they’re having a baby,” I said.
“Yeah. Most days I feel like we’re still in college, arguing over who’s ordering the keg, and now he’s a dad.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the grin on Josh’s face. His smile lit him up in a way that had always drawn me to him. “True,” I said. “And I honestly never thought Jagger would be first, you know?”
He looked over at me, radiating an intensity that stole my breath. “I always figured we would be.”
“Me, too,” I confessed in a whisper as we came to a standstill in the middle of the hallway. The moment we stood there, held together by nothing more than our eyes, seemed like an eternity. The long nights I’d spent in Ephesus, staring up at the brilliant stars, wondering if he was looking, too, or if he was safe, all came rushing back with a feeling of such longing that my heart leaped into my throat.
“December?” he asked softly, concern softening his face.
“This is hard,” I admitted.
“What is?” His voice dropped as he stepped forward slightly, until I had to crane my neck to keep eye contact.
“Standing here, within inches of you, aching to kiss you, and not knowing if I’m even allowed to. Not knowing what we are.”
His jaw flexed and he looked away, fighting a battle I couldn’t see. Then he glanced over my shoulder, sidestepped, and walked right past me, grabbing my hand to pull me behind him. He opened the door to the stairwell, and I stumbled through after him. “Josh, what are we doing?”
He pushed my back against the brick wall, cradling my head in his hand, and then took my mouth. Yes, yes, YES. He felt like heaven and tasted like…Josh. Home. I rose up on my toes, kissing him back with two months of pent-up want, anger, and love. His lips moved perfectly against mine, our tongues intertwined, my body arching naturally toward his.
This was Josh, the man I loved, the only person I wanted to spend my life kissing. His hand moved from my waist to my ass, lifting me against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist, locking my ankles behind him, and rolled my hips into him.
“God, I fucking missed you. Every second of every day.” His voice was low, gravelly, and so incredibly sexy. He trailed kisses down my neck until I gasped. Then I lifted his head back to mine so I could kiss him again. I sucked on his lower lip, gently tugging it between my teeth, and he groaned.
I didn’t care that we were in the stairwell of a hospital, my body was screaming for him, need vibrating through every one of my nerve endings. “Josh,” I moaned softly when his hand rose to cup my breast over my shirt.
The door beside us opened.
He dropped his hand and rested his forehead against my shoulder, sucking in deep breaths as two nurses walked past, the door shielding us from their vision as they headed down the stairs.
I tried to calm my racing pulse, but Josh slowly lowered my feet to the floor, rubbing that delicious body against mine, and my breath hitched again. He stepped back, running a hand over his hair, his eyes darting back to my mouth.
My tongue skimmed my lower lip, and he closed his eyes with a low rumble from his throat. “We should go sit in the waiting room, and…you know.”
“Wait?” I supplied.
He nodded and took my hand in his without another word, walking us back into the hall and down to the waiting room. We were the only ones there, and he took the loveseat, tugging me down next to him. He wrapped his arm around me, and my head settled in the pocket of his shoulder, where it fit perfectly because we fit perfectly. We always had.
I nearly dislocated my jaw with a yawn. “I’m sorry. I’m just so tired.”
“Sleep,” he ordered, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “And December?”
“Hmm?” I asked, his heartbeat already lulling me to give in to the bone-deep exhaustion that traveling and jetlag was wreaking on me.
“You can always kiss me. I don’t care if we’re in the middle of an insane fight, or in a house full of priests. There is never a moment I don’t want you.”
With another kiss on my forehead, I drifted off, only to be awoken what felt like moments later.
“Wake up, welcome home, and come meet my son!” Jagger beamed, standing above us with the biggest grin I’d ever seen.
I blinked the sleep from my eyes and willed my brain to focus. “He’s here?”
Jagger nodded. “He is. Seven pounds, nine ounces, and utterly perfect.”
“Congratulations,” Josh said, his voice husky from sleep.
We untangled from each other and stood, Jagger hugging both of us. “I’m so glad you guys made it. Seriously.” He turned to Josh. “And look at you! Not dead, or blown up, or anything!”
“Nice,” Josh said with a sarcastic smile. “Take us to this son of yours, who no doubt inherited his perfection from his mother.”
Jagger’s grin didn’t diminish. “Damn straight.”
I glanced down at my phone and noted that I’d slept a little over an hour. Josh was still stretching his neck as we walked.
We opened the door gently to see Paisley, her hair in a messy bun, holding a tiny bundle, and my heart flew. “Oh. My. Perfect!” I squealed softly as I tiptoed to the bed where she sat.
“He took his sweet time,” she drawled, her smile radiant. She looked up at me, her eyes bright despite the ungodly hour. “It’s so good to see you.”
“I’m glad I made it. How are you feeling?”
She winced. “Like I just had a baby.” She laughed. “Do you want to hold him?”
“Oh, no. You enjoy him,” I said, trying to be sensitive. Hell yes, I wanted to hold him. And snuggle him, and bask in everything that was new and glorious about the world.
She lifted the tiny baby to me, his face peeking out of the blankets. “Oh, we’ve had about an hour. And now might be the only time you get. My mother arrives tomorrow.”
“Well, in that case!” I ran to wash my hands and then held them out. His weight was slight as he slid into my arms, his tiny head cushioned at my elbow. I moved over to the rocking chair and sat carefully. I heard them talking in the background, but they faded into a blur of noise as I studied the tiny life I held.
He was just as Jagger had said, utterly perfect. Paisley’s button nose and Jagger’s eyes looked back at me. I lifted his exposed hand, marveling at the tiny fingers, his exquisite little nails. “What’s his name?” I asked without looking up.
“Peyton,” she answered, her voice catching.
I looked over to where she sat, her eyes sparkling. “That’s beautiful.”
“Peyton Carter Bateman,” Jagger finished for her, sitting on the edge of her bed.
Tears pricked at my eyes as I looked at Peyton. “It’s a big name to live up to, little man, but I think you’ll be up to the task. You’re a good one, I can tell.” I brushed my thumb gently over his soft little cheek. He was the culmination of everything Jagger and Paisley had fought for—a family.
“Can I?” Josh asked, wiping his hands dry.
“Of course,” I said, and transferred Peyton over.
He cradled the baby tenderly, tucking the blanket to cover any rough parts of his uniform. His face was rapt with wonder as he took in everything about Peyton. A low ache settled in my stomach. This was what I wanted.
I wanted to see Josh holding our baby, marveling over what our love had created, what our family would become. I wanted our children to have his protection, his love, his sense of duty and honor, and just enough of his recklessness to be fierce. My hands covered my mouth as I tried to contain the tears of absolute joy that threatened to spill.
“Yeah, I was right. He’s gorgeous like his mom,” Josh said with a grin toward Paisley.
“No arguments here,” Jagger answered, wrapping his arms around his very exhausted wife.
Josh looked up at me, and time stood still. I saw it there in his eyes—our future, our possibilities, our family. I saw little boys at hockey practice and little girls with their noses in books. Then I pictured pink skates and brainy boys. Every which way I imagined our life, it was perfect, because we had a love that was rare, precious, and worth fighting for. Worth sacrificing for.
There was no way I was going back to Turkey, not when we were so close to having everything we wanted together. I needed to be here, at least until we had our issues worked out. There would be other opportunities, other digs. There was only one Josh.
He echoed my smile, but as he glanced down where my fingers traced Peyton’s arm under the blanket, his expression fell, first hurt, then hardened the longer he looked at my hand. When he looked back up at me, there was a distance I couldn’t explain and instantly feared. What the hell had just happened?
Paisley cleared her throat. “So have you decided if you’re going to take the job running the dig?” she asked.
Josh’s eyes widened. “They offered you a job?”
“Yeah. It’s only two months, and I’d be home in time to start the semester.”
“That’s amazing,” he said, his voice full of pride but laced with that same hurt in his eyes. “And it explains a lot,” he murmured.
Before I could ask him what he meant, he leaned away from me, stood slowly, and walked over to Jagger, going around the bassinet to avoid me, and handed over the baby like he was deathly afraid of dropping him. “Congratulations, he’s beautiful. I think we’re going to head back and get some sleep. Are you staying here?”
“Yeah,” Jagger answered, pointing toward the little couch. “That’s where I await diaper-changing time.”
“Sweet. Then do you mind if I crash in your guest room?”
Every sweet feeling I’d had crumbled, burned, and then left acidic ashes, scorching me from the inside out. He didn’t even want to sleep in our house, let alone in the bed next to me. Fuck, the pain was unbearable.
Paisley’s eyes flickered to me, but Jagger didn’t miss a beat, God bless him. “Sure, if that’s what you want,” he said slowly.
“It is.” Josh’s tone was final, the same timbre as when he’d told me he was going back to Afghanistan. He’d made his decision, and there was no way to sway him.
Jagger handed Peyton to Paisley and then retrieved his keys from his pocket. Breathe in. Breathe out. Focus on that. Sucking oxygen through my lungs became my only thought. Everything else was too horrible to manage.
Josh thanked Jagger, took the house key, and we headed for the parking lot in silence. There was none of the confusion or anticipation of the drive here. Now there was simply a lingering sadness between us. But hadn’t he just said there would never be a time he didn’t want me? What was this bullshit? What set him off? The job offer? At least I hadn’t snuck off in the middle of the night to take it without telling him.
Anger blossomed, and I welcomed the way it masked the hurt.
Maybe I needed to change my flight, get back to Turkey tomorrow, and take the damn job. Maybe he’d screw his head on straight while I was gone…or maybe it would kill off whatever was left of us. Why was there never a right answer lately?
Twenty minutes of pregnant silence later, we pulled into the driveway. I opened the hatch before he could and brought my bag to the ground.
“Do you want me to carry it in for you?” he offered.
“No,” I snapped. “I want you to pull your head out of your ass.”
“December.”
I tossed my backpack over my shoulder and tugged on my suitcase, pulling it behind me up the stairs. I shoved the key in our door and let out a relieved sigh when it turned without sticking. The door opened soundlessly, and I walked through.
“December!” he nearly shouted as he followed me in.
“Oh, is this what it takes to get you in our house?” I asked, dropping my purse on the couch.
“It’s for the best.”
We squared off a coffee table apart. “Please, do explain how you know what’s best for us.”
“You have a job in Turkey waiting for you.”
I shrugged. “So? I never said I was taking it. I said it had been offered. I don’t make those kinds of decisions—the kind that alter our life—without talking to you. I wish I could say the same for you.”
“Are we still having this argument?” He rubbed his hands over his hair.
“You leaving in the middle of the night didn’t void the fight, Josh. It just pressed pause. You made that decision, and now you get to reap the consequences.”
“I had to go back!”
“I know that!” The shout took some of the fight out of me, and my shoulders sagged. “Don’t you think I figured it out? I get it. You came home a different person, and you told me you felt like you’d left bits of yourself there. I listened. So yes, I get it. You went to put yourself back together, to finish your mission, but you didn’t discuss it with me, you just chose and left.”
“I’m sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention.” His eyes were soft with regret, but everything else about his posture, from his crossed arms to how far he was away from me, screamed his resolution.
“I wish apologizing was enough. Do you feel like you succeeded? Are you all whole now?”
“Yes. It was exactly what I needed. I could have never looked at myself in the mirror knowing I stayed home when I should have been there. I couldn’t be the man you deserve unless I did it.”
“What I deserve? What I deserve is you, and I’ll take you in any way you come to me. Whole, damaged, ripped the fuck apart—you’re still mine.”
“Oh, is that so?” he spat back, his tone utterly ironic.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’m not the only one making choices by myself, am I?” He gestured at me with a tight jerk of his hand before momentarily covering his eyes with it. “Maybe this is what I deserve. I left you when you asked me not to. I put you through hell constantly, and I hate myself for it. But I can honestly tell you that every single minute I was gone, you were in my head, in my heart. I may have doubted myself, maybe even our future, but I never once doubted you.”
My mouth dropped. “Me? Our future? All I’ve done is fight for us, Josh. Since the moment you deployed, I’ve been holding on to you by my fingernails. But I don’t let go. I don’t run away. I have faith!”
“Is that why you took your ring off? Because you still have all this faith in us?”
What? My gaze flicked to my bare left hand. “Is that why you got pissed at the hospital? Why you’re sleeping at Jagger’s?” I yanked the chain around my neck until my ring popped free of my neckline. “I never took it off. I wear it on a chain when I’m on the dig so I don’t hurt it or the artwork, but I never changed my mind. I never changed the vision of our future. Unlike you, apparently.”
He doubted us. That admission shook my foundation and suddenly, that crack dividing us felt like the Grand Canyon, with him standing on one side in that uniform while I wore myself thin trying to stretch across it to him.
His whole frame sagged, and his gaze dropped to the floor before coming back to meet mine. I saw the relief I needed, but also a lingering sadness in those brown eyes that cut through my anger. “You didn’t take it off.”
I shook my head.
“I’m an asshole.”
“It appears that way,” I answered. “You…you doubt us?”
“Not us,” he said, “but maybe where we’re headed. Do you want to take it? Do you want to run that dig?” He searched my eyes as if his very future hung on my next words.
“Yes. Of course I do. It would be absolutely amazing. But nothing is more important to me than you. I don’t want to leave you.”
His eyes slid shut momentarily. “You need to take it. It would be huge for you.”
“Yeah, it would, but our relationship is more important. I’m putting us first, because that’s what you do in a relationship. You compromise for the sake of the person you love. You put aside your selfish goals so you can build one future.”
“You’re staying because of me.” His head hung as if there was some kind of blame to be placed here…like being together was a bad thing.
“Not because of you, for you. For us.”
“It’s the same difference!”
Why was he so angry? “So what? You’d wanted to be stationed in Texas, right? Closer to your mom?”
“What does that have to do with it?”
He still wouldn’t meet my eyes, so I stepped around the table. “You chose Fort Campbell instead, so I could finish college. So we’d be together.”
“This isn’t the same.”
“You’re right. You moved your entire life. I’m only giving up two months. There will be other digs. I’m choosing you this one time.”
“That’s just where it starts,” he muttered. “God, he’d kill me.” His whisper was so soft that I barely heard it.
“What? Who are you—”
He didn’t let me finish. “This is just the beginning.”
“It’s one time. We need it.”
“And nothing I say is going to change your mind?” he asked, his mouth tightening.
“Nothing will ever change my mind about you. About us,” I said softly, hoping to soothe him. “This dig would be great, but we are extraordinary. It’s a tiny sacrifice—”
“I’m fucking sick of you sacrificing!” he shouted. Before I could respond, his head snapped up, the panic in his eyes quickly masked by aloof, untouchable ice. “I’m assessing for SOAR next week.”
A bomb detonated somewhere in the vicinity of my heart, and the fallout decimated everything in me. “Special Ops? But…” I didn’t have words. He’d never even hinted at wanting to fly for SOAR, and now he was assessing? For the first time, I felt like our relationship wasn’t even on the radar of his concerns.
Fuck, that hurt. This wasn’t the snap decision he’d had to make about deploying. No, this was a well thought out choice. Here I was, putting our relationship, our love, first, while he treated it like a side piece of baggage. The Josh I fell in love with, my rock, my whatever, never would have done that. Had he changed so much in the nine months since he’d deployed that we were no longer his priority? Red-hot rage tensed every muscle in my body. “Who are you, lately?”
He winced but didn’t pause. “This is the right thing to do. Just like you taking the job in Turkey is right for you.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, a temp job that I delayed while I came home so I could see you. Because that’s what I do, right? I put my career second while you make the decisions—while you apply for SOAR behind my back and volunteer for Afghanistan like it doesn’t affect me.” I ran over any attempt he made to speak, my fury overtaking my usual level-headedness when it came to Josh. “You are the one with the changes. Three years ago it was, ‘I’ll just do my required four years, and then I’ll get out.’ Then you went aviation, and I get it. You didn’t know that I’d be a part of your life, so I sucked up the fact that it would be another six years after you finished flight school. But this? SOAR? That’s not temporary, and it’s changing what our future looks like without so much as asking me, and that’s not fair.”
“This is what I have to do,” he pled, stepping toward me.
I retreated. “No. It’s not. You’ve never wanted to do it. Is this like that stupid Ducati? Do you need the adrenaline rush to feel alive? Is that it?”
His jaw tensed. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t, either, but you’re asking me for things I don’t know that I can give, things you never would have asked me to do nine months ago. Do you not want to be with me? Is that it?”
His mouth dropped in shock. “No. There has never been a moment since I met you that I didn’t want you—want to be with you. But you need to go run that dig. I’ll assess for SOAR. We’ll both live our…dreams.” He ended on a whisper, as if he could barely speak the lie, because he and I both knew SOAR had never been his dream.
“Separately.” My heart rebelled at the idea of building separate lives.
“Yes. This…this is what I want my future to be. Our future.” The flat tone of his voice sounded more like defeat than determination.
“What kind of future is that? The one where we see each other in passing between your deployments and my digs? Or maybe we can manage a hookup halfway between. Is that what I am now?” We stood on the edge of something I couldn’t fathom, and I had no clue how to bring us back. Not without him fighting for us equally as hard. “This isn’t how I want our life to be. How can this be the future you want?”
“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to live like this, or how I can make you understand.” His eyes met mine, and the anguish, the honesty I saw there stole my breath. “I know that this choice—this moment—might cost me you, and it’s fucking killing me.”
“Then stop making these asinine decisions. Stop ripping me apart. Stop making these choices pretending like they’re all about me when they’re really about you! That’s why you want me to go on the dig, right? So I resent you a little less? So you feel righteous that I’m not sitting at home waiting for you to die? Because let me tell you, I had the same damn fear every day on that dig that I did while I waited at home. Maybe it was easier on you—” My mouth dropped. “Is that it? Did you figure out that it was easier for you to be gone while I was away?”
“No,” he whispered, apology streaming from his eyes. “Don’t you see that this is what’s best for you?” His head shook. “For…everyone.”
I ripped the necklace over my head and put it on the coffee table, the ring making an obscene sound of abandonment against the glass. “How do we build a future if we don’t agree on one? What? We just sleep together when we’re in the same state? Send emails?” He couldn’t mean it. There was something else there, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was he looking for an out? “Josh, do you even still want to marry me?” The question ripped through my soul like razor blades, and the bleeding was instant, excruciating.
“I want that more than my own life. But you’re right. Living like this isn’t fair to you. The waiting. The worrying. The sacrifices. Not after what you’ve been through. Not after what I’ve promised you…all the promises I’m breaking right now.”
“Why do you have to do this? What we have…what we’ve fought for, it’s like you’re just throwing away everything we’ve wanted.”
“Sometimes the things we want aren’t the same as what we need.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. Need and want have always mixed into one when it comes to us.” There had to be an explanation, some reason that he would put us through this, jeopardize us. It had to be a sense of duty…
Or guilt.
Will.
Another shard of my heart broke, crumbled like tiny pieces of sand sifting through my fingers. Was he ever going to get past what had happened? Really and truly?
“It’s just something I feel like I have to do,” he whispered.
“No.” I shook my head. “No, it’s something Will had to do.”
His head snapped, his gaze widening. “December,” he warned.
“That ring?” I pointed to where it lay on the table. “I accepted it from Josh Walker. The boy I fell into lust with on the ice, and the man I fell in love with when he held me together. I don’t want to marry Will, or his dreams, as great as they were. You want it back on my finger? Then you act like the man I love, and not the man we lost.”
“That’s not fair.”
“None of this has been fair! We didn’t ask for any of this. We lost Will. We almost lost Jagger. We almost lost you. Hell, some days it feels like I did. But you have to stop punishing yourself for what happened. Joining SOAR isn’t going to bring him back.”
“Nothing I’ve done is enough. This is the only way I know to make his sacrifice matter!”
“It already does!” My throat tightened as tears bit into my eyes, the sting the only feeling I recognized. “You are an amazing man. A wonderful friend. He knew that. Stop thinking that you need to be more, because you’re already more than enough.”
“I can’t. I’m not.”
“Then see yourself through my eyes. See the man that I love. The one who promised to be my whatever. I’m holding on to you with everything I have, until my fingers—hell, my very soul—are raw and bleeding. You’re trying to live for Will, but you’re killing me.”
He sucked in his breath, his eyes closing slowly. “You’re right.”
A small sliver of hope spiked through the fog of my misery.
“You’re right,” he continued. “You should go back to Turkey. You should take the job—follow your dream. There have already been enough casualties, and I refuse to watch you wither away. Go.”
My chest tightened, every nerve ending screaming to latch on to him and hold tight. Not to let him nail shut the coffin he’d built to put our relationship in. Desperation took hold and squeezed my lungs. “Stop. I…I can figure it out. If this is what you need, then I can do it.” Deployments without warning. Never knowing where he was. Never ending. “I can do it for you, for us. Josh, I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that. Whether we’re on different continents, different beds, or different wavelengths, you’re my everything.”
He walked forward slowly and pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead that felt too much like a good-bye. “Go run your dig. We’ll—” He glanced at where my ring sat on the coffee table, echoing the same defeat that radiated from him. “We’ll figure this out when you get back. Two months isn’t going to change how much I love you. A lifetime couldn’t.”
Then he turned and walked out, pausing in the doorway. “But if this changes your love, if you realize that all I’m doing is holding you back…” He swallowed. “I won’t blame you. I’m not really sure I could love me, either. Not under these circumstances.”
“Josh,” I whispered. “Stay.” Don’t give up. Don’t abandon what we have.
His knuckles turned white on the handle, but he walked through, shutting the door behind him.
I took in a gulping breath. Fear, pain, heartbreak, it all coursed through my veins, but anger trumped it all. He’d made another fucking decision for us. I stomped up the stairs like a petulant toddler. Fuck it. If he didn’t want to sleep next to me, then I didn’t want to sleep next to him.
I knew that was a lie about twenty minutes later when I crept back down the stairs, put my ring around my neck, and then crawled into our guest bed, simply because I knew Josh was on the other side of the wall. I let my hand rest on the smooth paint as a tear slipped down my cheek.
Two and a half years, and we were back here, our headboards separated by a wall and our hearts separated by something a little less tangible.
How could he have changed so much that we were no longer his priority? Unless he hadn’t. Unless this was about something different altogether. But what? I’m not really sure I could love me, either. His words gutted me more than his SOAR declaration.
His walls had grown so thick, and he shut me out until I was freezing, my heart barely able to endure the cold.
But that heart still beat for him in a way I knew it never would for anyone else.
Some damned homecoming. My eyes blurred with tears as I pulled out my cell phone and opened my flight app. One hundred and ninety-nine dollars later, I changed my departure date.
Then I emailed our wedding coordinator.