We won seventeen to ten.
The opposing team got a field goal in, hence the last three points, and when that happened, our side acted as if we’d been punched in the balls. Even the girls winced. Sure, the other team’s offense was finally picking up, getting some drive into their runs, but it was the end of the game. The clock ran out, and it didn’t matter. A cheer went up after that, and a bunch of guys sitting near me proclaimed “GOTTA GET DRUNK NOW!” That warranted its own set of cheers.
I was walking down the path toward the parking lot. A lot of others, like parents and little children, were heading out at the same time. Some other students, the quieter, more reserved and sane ones, were in my mix as well. I spotted Kristina lingering on the edge of Casey, Laura, Sarah, and now my brother’s group. They formed a circle, and some of the other guys were joining them. There was a whole ton of students staying back, no doubt making plans for the after-game drinking. That was what Gage usually did. Aby and Becs (now Becca) were standing with their own clique, too, and some guys.
“Clarke.” A sweaty and heavy arm came down around my shoulders.
I tensed, but it was Linde. “Congrats on the big win.” I punched his shoulder in a manly and macho way.
He laughed, and his arm fell back to his side. I looked around. We were getting a few looks, but it was Linde. I was okay being known as his friend. I asked, “We’re doing the library tomorrow?”
“That’s what I was going to tell you. Shay was supposed to mention it, but he said he forgot.” He continued walking beside me, his helmet swinging by his side. “I had another favor to ask of you.”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Shay said you might know the girl who was raped.” He glanced over his shoulder, back to the football field.
I hadn’t been thinking about it, but it hit me then. “That guy’s a football player.” Casey was here and talking with my brother and looking as normal as ever. Well, not really. She was wearing a baggy sweatshirt. That wasn’t normal Casey wardrobe. A tight tank top was, but everything else was normal for her.
“He got suspended. They didn’t even let him suit up.”
“Really?”
“A bunch of us came forward and told Coach. They don’t mess around, especially if there’s a court case or media. Listen, the favor I wanted to ask you.” He stopped. People began to stream around us. “You know the girl?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He shifted his helmet to his other hand, then back again. “Um. You heard in class that day, about my sister.”
“I remember.”
“Do girls know about your friend? I mean, the guys know, but guys don’t say that stuff to girls.”
“Oh.” He was asking about rumors? “Are you asking if it’s been spread around, because if you are, you’re asking the wrong person. I talk to you, a few others, and that’s it. I’m the furthest from ‘in the know.’”
“She hasn’t said anything?”
“I said something to her, just so she knew I was there if she wanted, but that was it. I haven’t pushed her to do anything.” I began scratching at the top of my arm, half-covering my body. “She’s here. She seems kinda normal, but I don’t know the process for that stuff.”
“She’s not.”
“What?”
That word came out clipped and almost harsh. He softened it this time. “She isn’t okay. My sister did the same.”
“Yeah?”
“She didn’t want to accept what happened to her, so she pretended it didn’t. But it did, and it ate at her on the inside. Your friend, whether she says something or not, can’t lie to herself. If she’s here and she’s acting normal, she’s not.”
“What can I do? Besides just be there for her, I mean. I can’t make her say anything.”
“I know, but just be there for her. Often. Keep a watchful eye out. You know what I mean?”
I thought so. I looked past his shoulder to where their group was starting to venture our way. Gage wasn’t with them anymore, and I frowned. I scanned the rest of the crowd, but couldn’t see him.
“That’s weird.”
“What’s weird?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head.
“What?”
“Oh. Just.” I waved it off. It really wasn’t a big deal. “It’s nothing. My brother was with me today, and he went and sat with her. He knows. He’s the one who told me.”
“Why would he do that? Why would he sit with her?”
“What?” I was still looking for Gage, but Linde’s sharpness caught me off guard. I focused on him again, fully. “My brother just wants to help. He was worried I’d been with her, that I could’ve been a target, too.”
“Some girls don’t deal with it the right way. Some girls cling to the nice guy who comes next in line, and they think that’s going to wash away the shit they’re feeling inside. It never works. Tell him to back off her. She needs good female friends, that’s it. Family, too, if they’re good to her.”
I hadn’t thought of that, but it made sense. “Okay. I’ll talk to him.”
Casey saw us talking, and a small frown tugged at her lips. Her eyes clouded, and she slowed to a snail’s pace. Kristina and the others noticed and started glancing back at her, also wearing frowns.
Casey’s gaze drifted to Linde and then back to me. A question formed there.
“Go,” I said it softly and reached out for Linde. I pushed him, the slightest of touches. “She’ll know we’re talking about her.”
The football team was completely gone. Linde was the last, and he was gaining more attention. I didn’t care about me this time, I was worried about how Casey would take it. She knew my brother knew, and she knew someone else knew, but it was starting to sound like the rumor was circulating among the guys. I didn’t know the protocol—if guys freely shared when one of their own assaulted someone or if it was even like that. But I knew it wasn’t normal for guys to come forward against one of their own, especially a football player. That was good. If I knew anything, I knew that much. If Casey did come out, she’d be believed.
Or I hoped she would.
Kristina and the others were almost to me, and when they started to show signs of slowing to talk, Casey spoke up, “Can you guys give us a minute?”
Kristina frowned, all of them did, but they kept on ahead.
She waited till they were far enough away not to overhear. “Is that the guy?”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“You said a guy knew, not your brother, but someone else.”
“Oh.” My mind was racing. What was the right play here? “No, he isn’t that guy.”
“Oh.” Air left her, and her shoulders relaxed.
“But he knows.”
Those shoulders tightened up. “What?” She visibly swallowed. I saw her throat moving.
“My brother knew. He called me. I called a different frie—someone else.”
“Had he heard?” Her eyes were so wide, so frightened. She seemed to shrink before me, looking like a frightened little girl.
Okay. I had to go with complete honesty. That was what I would want. Honest, but kind. “He hadn’t when I’d spoken to him.”
She closed her eyes, bracing herself.
“But he had by the time I saw him before class Friday morning.”
“What class?”
“My poli-sci class.”
Her eyes opened, and she was nodding, taking the information in. “And that guy just now, he knows?”
I answered her again, “He and some others on the team went to the coach. The guy who . . . did that to you wasn’t allowed to suit up today.”
“I know.” Her voice was so quiet. “I was so worried. I didn’t want to see him, but if I didn’t come to the game, the others would know something was wrong. I had to come.”
“I don’t know who the guy is. Did he come out on the field? Was he on the sidelines?”
She shook her head. “No. Thank God for that, right?” A tear formed in her eyes. She wiped at the corner of them with the back of her hands. “That was really nice of them to do that. That isn’t normal, is it?”
“If I were to guess, no.”
“Your brother’s been really nice.”
I frowned.
She explained further, “He told me he’s there for me, too. Or you. He said you’re all prickly on the outside, but that’s to keep others from hurting your soft gooey inside. You’re all bark, but no bite.”
“Negative. There’s bite. A lot of bite. I’m a rabid dog, actually.”
She laughed, wiping at her eyes again. “He said you’d say that but that I shouldn’t believe you. You might snarl at him, but not me, not if I’m hurting.”
I kicked at the ground. Why did I feel like crying?
“Um.” She started, but stopped. “I have to know. I mean, not a lot of people are giving me weird looks, but there are some.” Her eyes darted to a group of guys coming up behind us. They were loud, obnoxious, and drunk. She moved closer, lowering her head. “It’s mainly from guys. I’ve just been getting the normal bitchy looks from the girls.”
I hated being the sponsor-friend. I sucked at this stuff. “The guys know, but it seems like the girls don’t.”
She didn’t talk, not for a moment. Her eyes remained closed, and she sucked in her breath as the group of guys parted, going around us. I saw a few leer at us, their gazes raking Casey up and down.
I narrowed my eyes at one, and he stopped.
He spread his arms out. “What?” He was around five eight, not much taller than I was, but muscular in an athletic way.
He was the kind who gave the word ‘cocky’ a bad name.
Casey looked, but seemed to wither in front of me.
Not me. I raised my chin. This guy was going to try to intimidate me? I started toward him, knowing my eyes were cool. “You’re going to square off against me? Against a girl?”
His friends had stopped. A few started back.
One said, “Come on, man.” Another jumped beside him, as if he was going to help him out.
Oh, no.
I dealt with this shit in high school.
This was not going to happen to Casey. Or me. That rabid dog side of me was about to come out, and soon. Damned soon.
I turned my icy gaze at him, my top lip lifted in a sneer. “My, my. What a man you are. Because clearly, your buddy must need help against words.” I smiled, but it didn’t match what I was feeling. I was pissed. I was seeing red, and right at that moment, I saw a target for the asshole who hurt another girl. No. I saw two targets now. “Your friend must be really dumb.” I swung my gaze to Asshole One. “Are you dumb? Your friend thinks you are.”
Both bristled, puffing up their chests before sharing a confused look.
“See.” I pointed between them. “Look at that. You’re not even sure what happened here. A girl started your way, but you guys must only be used to being hit on, right?”
They shared another look, small grins starting on their faces.
“Because that must be the only reason a girl would come up to you. It isn’t like they’d find you disgusting or reprehensible or a small hick coward and then have the balls to tell you.” I whispered, leaning forward, “Do the girls you know not tell you the truth? Are they scared of you?” I raised my voice to normal levels again. “You can tell me. Do they only tell you if you were ‘good’?” I winked at Asshole One. “Or maybe you guys are only used to chicks if they’re in either two categories. If they’re ripping their clothes off for you, begging for it.” I glanced down at the front of his jeans, grimaced, and then looked back up. “Or they’re pissed because, well, you guys must’ve not satisfied them. Right? It’s either of those two? But no. Wait. It’s the girl’s fault. Right? It’s never your fault. It isn’t like you’d never ‘not perform.’ Right?”
Asshole Two shook his head, spreading his hands out. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Exactly.” Acid dripped from my voice. I clapped my hands together, holding them in front of me. “Here’s the thing. I’m insulting you. I am being sarcastic, and I’m mocking you guys to your face, and you don’t even know it. And as I’m doing it, you have no idea how to deal with me because I’m smiling and I’m talking like I’m going to bake you fucking cookies. The truth is that if I ever did that, I’d put rat poison in them.”
I finished, but with a bright cheery smile, and then I waited.
I didn’t wait long.
Asshole One charged me.
Casey screamed.
There were other shouts around me.
I didn’t pay attention to Asshole Two. He didn’t seem to have the abusive balls, but Asshole One did, and I grabbed ’em. Literally.
He ran for me, and I caught his dick in my hand. He jerked to a stop, a choke gurgling from him, and then I squeezed.
“AH!” He started screaming, trying to dislodge my hand.
“Holy fuck,” someone said behind us.
Fun time was over. I wasn’t nice anymore. I wasn’t being sarcastic any longer. I squeezed again, and his entire body shuddered under my hold.
I clipped out, “You’re going to fucking swing at me? You’re going to hit me? You’re going to shove me to the ground? What were you going to do? Huh?” My voice rose until I was outright yelling.
He couldn’t talk. His face was turning blue.
“Look at that.” I pointed to his face with my free hand. “Blue face, instead of blue balls. But assholes like you don’t even get how funny that is because a chick gives you blue balls, too. And here I am, going above and beyond. I’m probably the best you’ve had, right? I gave you blue face. It’s a new thing. No one’s experienced this before.” Okay. The sarcasm was back, but it was definitely still dripping with anger.
“Hey.”
I didn’t know who said that, and I didn’t care. I was focused on this asshole as I dropped my voice into a hissing whisper only he could hear. “You must be wondering what kind of deranged chick has your dick in her hand? I must be crazy, right?” Fuck. Maybe I was. “You know what makes me crazy? The fact that you’ve heard what happened to my friend, but instead of looking at how she could’ve been your sister, your girlfriend, even your mother, you walk past her and look at her like she’s a whore.” My fingers sank harder around him, and I was enjoying his curdling screams. “She isn’t a whore. She’s a victim, and you victimized her a second time. So how does it feel? Because I grabbed you against your will. Are you enjoying it?”
His screams answered me. I still wasn’t done. “And want to know what the most fun part of this whole thing is? I have a defense. You. Rushed. Me. First. You came at me like you were going to hit me, a girl, someone you’ll never be able to call a whore. Aren’t you so glad you ran into me? Aren’t you?”
I bit out the last part, and I seriously wanted to rip his dick off. If I could’ve, and if I could’ve not gone to jail for it, it would’ve been moved to my highest priority of the day. Rip a cowardly asshole’s dick off. I’d love to be able to cross that off my list. Done deal. But I couldn’t, because I had to be a better person than him, though I couldn’t think why at that moment.
I was still squeezing.
I wasn’t sure if I could let go, until an arm wrapped around my waist and I was lifted away.
“Hey!” I yelled.
The person ignored me, dropping me back on my feet. I started forward, but they clamped their hand on my arms, holding me back in an ironclad grasp.
Asshole One fell onto his knees, moaning, and his forehead rested on the ground. His friends didn’t move. They looked shocked at everything that just happened. Even Asshole Two didn’t go to his friend’s side. His hands were cupped over his junk, and he edged back, glancing at me as if I were going to come for him next.
Shit. Maybe I should.
I started forward, but the person yanked me back. He was holding me to his cement-like chest, and I looked up. My protest died in my throat. Shay wasn’t even looking at me. He was watching Asshole One, who was still writhing around on the ground crying.
He sounded like a feral animal who’d been mortally wounded.
Good.
“Let me go,” I said it quietly, and his eyes flicked down to mine. I was back in control. I let him see that.
He did, and I walked forward.
I passed Casey, who was frozen in place.
I walked past Asshole One on the ground.
I walked past his asshole friends.
I walked past some blonde girl who was watching me with wide owl-like eyes. They weren’t blinking.
I walked past everyone else who stopped to watch us.
I didn’t stop walking until I got to my dorm room, and even there, I walked right past Missy and sat at my desk.
And I stared ahead, still only seeing red.