“Clarke!”
I’d just left the library. We researched for a few more hours, but I was tired and that headache never left. It only got worse, and Shay was coming after me now. He called again, “Kennedy!”
I stopped and turned around. My bag fell off my shoulder, catching on my elbow with a thump before it could fall to the ground. “I’m tired, Shay. I just want to go back to my dorm.”
He slowed his pace, sliding his hands into his pockets as he drew near. “You were quiet after your brother left.”
“You don’t have to do this.” I didn’t want this. “We’re not dating.”
His eyes narrowed, and he tilted his head to the side. “This is called human decency. I still did stuff like this when we weren’t sleeping together, remember?”
“See.” I pointed to my face. “This idiot here is being bitchy to the wrong person.” I rubbed a hand down my face. “I’ve had an eventful weekend. This loner is salivating at the thought of hanging out in her room alone for the rest of the night.”
“Okay, but I still wanted to check on you. If I hadn’t come, Linde would’ve.”
“Ah.” I liked Linde. We were pals, but I could be honest in a different way with Shay. I was now relieved it’d been him. “Thank you. Again.” I waved and started back down the sidewalk.
I got a couple feet before he called my name again in a low voice. “If you can’t sleep, just give me a call. I can pick you up.”
I stared at him. For a moment, just a moment, I considered it. Going back to his house, sleeping in his bed, in his arms, sounded like a sheltered seclusion away from whatever my roommate would say to me about the video, with Casey and worrying about her or how she was going to hurt my brother, and even the loneliness that came along with being a loner. Shay was warm. Shay was nice, and in that moment, as I stared at him, I forgot why I ever hated him in the beginning.
But that would bring other problems. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Bad shit always came along. A person couldn’t hide from it, and I shook my head. “I’m going to be the responsible freshman.”
“My phone will be on. I’m just saying.”
“Okay.”
He held his hand up before heading back for the library.
I walked the rest of the way alone.
Missy was leaving the room in a pair of sweats and some slippers. She had a bag of Twizzlers and chips in hand, her blanket thrown over her arm. “Hey.” She stopped in the hallway, popping a Twizzler into her mouth. She spoke around it, “Where’d you sleep last night? I didn’t hear you come in at all.”
“I got in late and left early.” I indicated my backpack. “Long day at the library.”
“Oh.” Her eyebrows pinched together. She pointed down the hall with her Twizzler. “We’re watching movies in Holly’s room if you want to come. Did you go to the game yesterday?”
Had she not seen the Dick Crusher video? “Uh.” I itched behind my ear. “Yeah. I was there.”
“That’s weird. I didn’t see you.”
“I was.”
“Oh.” She took another chomp. “Come watch a movie with us. We’re all bringing snacks.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Order a pizza. You’d be the hit of the room.” She grinned.
I refueled with food only once today, and it was after ten. My stomach growled to remind me. Maybe a pizza was a good idea, but I shook my head. “I kinda just want to curl up and watch a movie in our room tonight.”
“Okay.” She waved with a new Twizzler. “See ya later. I don’t have my morning class tomorrow, so I’m staying up later.”
I breathed a thank you prayer under my breath as I headed for the room, and she went the opposite way. Not only could I relax but I’d also be able to sleep and not get woken up from six to seven, all the way until I had to finally crawl out of bed.
I checked my email, typed up some leftover notes from our research project, and ordered a pizza.
I put a movie on, pulled out the fluffy robe, and the pizza arrived. It was all for me.
Best. Night. Ever.
I was sleeping when Missy came in, rocking the bunk beds as she climbed to her mattress. She was snoring five minutes later. She snored her way through my alarm and as I got ready for class. I was a little later than normal because I went slow so as not to wake her up, but I wasn’t missing my coffee. I needed my coffee, so I made a quick detour through the library first. When I got to my classroom’s building, I bypassed the main door everyone used and headed down the barren sidewalk Shay and I been standing when we had talked about Casey on Friday.
I was able to slip into the building, up the stairs, and I came from the north hallway. There was no line like there was heading up from the stairs. I headed in, and immediately a cheer rose from the room.
“It’s Dick Crusher!” a guy I didn’t know led the crowd. He waved his hands in a worshipping motion. “All hail the DC.”
Some girls laughed. Some guys echoed him, making the same motions, and I rolled my eyes. The back row was still empty, and I marched right there. I’d seek shelter with friends. Screw my rules. I had a feeling I’d need the support, and I plopped down in the far right seat. It was the only one the guys didn’t sit in.
The guy who led the cheer sat up and turned around. “I know Carruthers. How’d it feel to hold his dick? Did you get a little turned on? You can be honest. This is just between you and me.”
More snickers sounded.
One guy started to add to it, but Shay walked into the room with Linde and the rest of their friends following.
Shay said, “Only you would go dirty from that video.” He skewered the guy with a look, walking down the aisle. He let his bag fall from his shoulder, catching it before it hit the floor. “Tell the truth, James. Do you have your girlfriend grab your nutsack like that? You like it a little kinky?”
He stood in the aisle and waited.
The guy sat back down. “I was just joking, Coleman.”
“Yeah, you were.” Shay shook his head, dropping into the seat next to me. Linde didn’t miss a beat. He sat in the third chair, right on the aisle. The other four guys paused, but moved into the other seats.
Shay asked under his breath, “You okay?”
The girl who usually sat beside me looked over her shoulder to us. Her eyes slid from Shay to me, then back again before she turned to the front.
I nodded, feeling the back of my neck warming.
Linde leaned forward to see me. “Say the word, Clarke. That James guy likes to work out with us in the afternoons. I can have some guys spot him and give him some uncomfortable time under those weights if you want.” He winked. “Just say the word.”
“Thanks, Linde.” I said before turning to Shay, “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
Shay nodded, leaning back in his seat and pulling out his notebook. “I’m pretty sure I was doing him a favor. If he provoked you enough, he’d be in the hospital bed right alongside Carruthers.”
Linde snorted. “You haven’t had a problem with him or his buddies, have you?”
“No.” I hadn’t even considered that. Besides Parker, no one messed with me in high school, not like that. The girl shit happened, but this wasn’t the same. Guys found out who Blake and Gage were and backed off. Usually. I never had an altercation like I had on Saturday. That was new for me. “Are they the type to do that?”
Linde didn’t say anything. He just sat back in his seat, as if he were slinking away.
Shay shook his head. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
He looked like he was going to say something else, but the professor came in, and we spent the next hour learning about the political dynamics in the United Kingdom.
Once we were dismissed, Shay asked, “Have you already done the reading for Wednesday?”
I nodded. “I’m caught up through next week, but it isn’t really sticking in my head. Everything he said today was all new stuff. I should go over the book again.”
“You want to do that together?”
Linde and the other football players already left.
A couple girls stayed behind, sneaking glances at us. Or no. They were watching Shay.
He was standing in the aisle, and I hadn’t yet cleared the desk where Linde sat. A few of the other students lingered, as well, mostly to talk to the professor, but I caught a few other curious looks our way.
I lowered my voice. “Like in the library with our group?”
He didn’t even know the girls were there. “Like in my room, or in the living room if you’re uncomfortable.” His eyes darkened as they held mine.
He wasn’t just talking about studying, though I was sure we’d also do that. “I—” Fuck. I was going to decline, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to spend time with him, or maybe it was that whole hiding away factor. I’d been hiding before, but in a different way. I hid who I knew, who I was related to, and that seemed to be getting out more and more. But that feeling to hide again was there, and going to Shay’s house was the perfect place.
I felt flutters in my chest.
I couldn’t lie to myself. There were other reasons I wanted to go to his place, but studying and hiding were at the top of that list. I nodded. “Yeah. I’d be game for that.”
His lips lifted in a half-grin. “You have a couple classes still, don’t you?”
“One. I’m done by two-thirty Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
“You want a ride?”
“Uh . . .” I considered it. “I should drive my own car. You know, since we’re not—”
“We’re classmates, Clarke.” He led the way down the aisle and out the door. He bypassed the girls completely. “You’re always bringing up the dating thing. Maybe you’re the one who wants to be dating.”
He started down the stairs. I was following behind him, and I didn’t answer. It was too difficult. People were going the opposite direction for their classes, and still others trickled in behind us from the floors above. When we pushed through the bottom doors, it was like a dam and the students were spilling free. I glanced over my shoulder and spotted Kristina walking out.
“Hey.” I stopped to wave.
She looked up, a grin spreading over her face. She’d been frowning down at her planner, but put it away as she drew near. Her eyes flicked to Shay. “We meet again.”
“Kristina.”
She nodded. “And everyone knows who you are.” She asked me, “Where have you been all weekend? Oh, my God. You’ve missed a ton.”
“What are you talking about?” I assumed she would’ve seen the dick-in-the-hands video.
Her eyes widened dramatically. “Laura, Sarah, and Casey had a massive fight last night. Massive. I must share the details.”
Shay began edging backward. His eyes found mine. “That’s my exit. I’ll see you later.” He held a hand out toward Kristina. “It was nice seeing you again.”
“You, too.”
Kristina sighed as he left. “I know I have a boyfriend, but damn, girl. He’s gorgeous. I can’t believe you’re still holding out telling the girls about him.”
I groaned. “Are you kidding me? They know about Gage. I’m already stress-eating that situation. I got home from the library and ordered a pizza last night.”
“Did you eat it all?”
“My stomach made me stop after three slices. Don’t judge me. I was hungry.”
“No judgment here. And talking of no judgment,” she whacked my arm, “you didn’t tell me about your video this weekend. I think it went viral yesterday.”
Kristina grabbed the door leading into the food court, and I went ahead. “I was hoping you hadn’t viewed it.”
“Are you kidding me? Casey was there. She had front-row tickets.”
Yeah. Casey. She’d become a different sort of problem. I cleared my throat as we got into the line for the cafeteria. “You said the girls got into a fight last night? Are they eating with us?”
She snorted, pulling out her ID. “I doubt it. Casey took off. I have no idea where she went, and Laura and Sarah have been at the guys’ building all day. I saw them in the dorm bathroom this morning, but Sarah said they needed a mental day.”
The amount of stress that just left my body was comedic. I tipped my head back. “Thank God.”
She handed her card over to run through the machine. Mine was next, and our conversation was paused. It was food time, which meant ice cream first for me. If the other girls weren’t eating with us, I snagged a table in the far corner. Kristina found me. She’d gone the healthy route today with a salad, an orange, and a carton of milk.
I looked at mine. I had pizza last night. My tray consisted of ice cream, a piece of cake, two chicken strips, and a small bowl of yogurt.
I said, “You’re not holding up your end of the Freshman Fifteen Agenda. I can’t eat your end for you.”
She picked up her milk and pointed at me. “You’re doing quite fine, Miss I Have the Longest Legs Ever, But Act Like They’re Short and Chubby. Kennedy, you can eat like this and still be drop-dead gorgeous. Not me.”
I pointed to the Double Ds. “You have your own blessings. Don’t cut yourself short.” Not to mention, she was gorgeous.
“Yeah. Those.” She gazed down. “If anyone tells you big breasts are the way to go, they’re an idiot. I want to do a reduction.”
“Really?”
“Casey thinks I’m nuts, but she doesn’t understand. She’s tiny and compact. Guys love her body.”
I frowned. “If you didn’t have a serious boyfriend, you’d find out how many guys love your body. Trust me.” Since she brought up the C word, I prompted, “Tell me about the fight.”
“The fight.” She let out a breath of air and then started.
Casey had been withdrawing a little more each day. Sarah and Laura hadn’t been happy about it all week. Kristina wasn’t sure what started it, but Casey said something. Laura and Sarah weren’t having it. They said something back. It was Casey’s turn. Then theirs. They were going back and forth, and as Kristina was curled up on their couch with her social work textbook on her lap, an entire fight ensued.
Laura and Sarah wanted to know what was up with Casey.
She refused to say.
This enraged them further. It was time to double down, so they bluffed. She had to tell them or they weren’t going to drink together at Rugger’s (another name I didn’t know). Casey got so mad she stormed out of the room, but came back in, grabbed her backpack, purse, and her phone. Her second storming out was the real deal. Kristina hasn’t heard from her all night, except one text to let her know that Casey was sleeping somewhere else, and that’d been it.
Laura and Sarah went to their room, and Kristina only saw them in the bathroom.
She was saying, “I mean, I can kind of see Laura and Sarah’s point. Casey has been different. She doesn’t pick up after herself, and she’s been snappy. She’s herself sometimes, but other times, it’s like she pulls into herself and puts up a wall. Have you noticed anything?”
A chicken strip caught in my throat. I gulped it down, wincing at the pain. “What?”
“You’ve been hanging out with her more lately. Have you noticed anything?”
“She wore a sweatshirt to the football game. That isn’t normal.”
“Yeah. See. Things like that. They just don’t add up. It’s almost like she’s becoming a new person.” She finished her milk and stabbed at some lettuce with her fork. “Can I talk to you about something else?”
Her tone went serious. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I thought the fight had been the sobering topic. I was wrong. “Sure. What is it?”
Shay . . .
Where I slept last night . . .
How I’d been “off” lately . . .
Those three things and so many others flashed in my head, but she said, “I think Casey likes your brother.”
Another floodgate of relief.
I waved my hand in the air. “I know.”
Her mouth opened slightly. “You know?”
“Uh.” I grabbed the last chicken strip but began pulling it apart into little pieces instead of eating it. “Gage asked me about Casey a while back. I’m not really surprised.”
“You’re not joking?”
“No. Why?”
Her eyebrows dipped together. “I can’t tell. Sometimes you’re sarcastic. For real, though? You knew?”
“I guessed. I saw him sitting with you guys at the game.”
“Is that why you didn’t come over?”
Kristina had been my first friend at Dulane, but she didn’t know my rules. I nodded.
“I wondered why you didn’t sit with us. I mean, we saw you at the game, but I was kind of hurt. I thought you didn’t like us anymore.”
My eyes shot to hers, and the second chicken strip dropped from my hands. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah.” She stabbed at more of her lettuce. “I mean, you avoid us sometimes. I know you’re comfortable being alone, but I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder, you know? Like, did we do something, or are you upset with us, or something like that.” Her eyes glanced away.
She thought she was the reason I stayed away.
She thought she was the one who wasn’t good enough.
I was an asshole.
I shook my head and reached over to squeeze her hand. “I have trust issues, and I let them have too much power over me. I’m sorry. You’ve never done anything. It’s the opposite. I don’t feel good enough to be your friend.”
A sheen of tears rested on the underside of her eyelids. “No. No. Never. Why would you ever think that?”
I shrugged, pulling my hand back and tucking it on my lap. “Because some really bitchy and catty girls made me think that my senior year of high school.”
“They were jealous.”
Those words came out so strong. She was so sure of it. Hope rose in me, just a little bit, but I held it in check. Maybe. Maybe not. Those girls really did hate me. I had a hard time believing it was all because of jealousy.
She was waiting for me to respond, and I gave her a half-hearted grin. “Maybe.” My throat was swelling. Topic change, please. “Let’s talk about how we can get Sarah, Laura, and Casey to make up.”
That was what we did for the rest of our lunch, but when we left and I headed for my second class, I felt a heaviness on my shoulders. It settled there once she started talking about Casey, and it only intensified when we realized both of us thought we weren’t good enough for the other. I thought it would’ve lifted once the conversation switched, but it didn’t. It grew lighter, but it was still there.
Or maybe it was Carruthers, because as we walked out of the cafeteria, a bunch of guys began chanting, “Dick Crusher.” Some students were confused but others started laughing. I saw a few heated expressions and felt a similar experience as James from class.
I went a little faster.
If I heard comments like that, I’d have to engage, and I was suddenly so tired. I didn’t want to constantly battle every day, every hour, but the video made me a target.
I walked into my second class’s building, and more guys were heading out. They whipped around, recognizing me.
“Hey!” one shouted at me.
Veering through a group of short hallways, I took different turns until I lost them. Whatever he had to say wasn’t going to be congratulatory. I could sense it.
Once I was sure they left, I stopped around a corner and let out a shaky breath. I clutched my bag to my chest.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
There were ten minutes until my next class. I liked to get there early and go over the day’s notes. Sarah and Laura’s mental day excuse was sounding like a good idea.
I was still weighing the idea. To skip or not? To fight other assholes in my class, if they were in there or . . . I felt my phone in my pocket. I could go to Shay’s right now. Even if he wasn’t there, he’d probably let me hide in his room.
I snorted.
I used to hate the guy, and somehow he’d become my refuge.
No. I stepped back into the hall. No matter where I’d go, or how long I hid, they’d be there. I’d have to deal with them at some point.
I went to class.