And two bleeding souls were reunited

 

It had been an extremely humid day, and I was taking a break from face painting to sit in the refreshment stand with Lola and press a cold water bottle to my forehead. The show had just started, so Lola’s customers were slowly trickling out. She wouldn’t get busy again until the intermission. I eyed her speculatively. She seemed to be doing quite well now, and I never caught her crying or looking sad anymore. But still, I thought about the night of the attack all the time, wondered who it had been. It made my skin prickle with eerie awareness.

I also wondered about her life before the circus. About her husband Derek, who had treated her so badly she’d run away and assumed a new identity.

“What age were you when you came here?” I asked as she wiped down the service counter. I had graduated from pressing the bottle to my forehead to opening it up and gulping down its soothing coolness.

“Eighteen,” she answered without having to think about it.

“Eighteen?” I said. “And you were already married?”

“Yeah, well, you know I’m kind of impulsive. I have this habit of meeting people and latching on right away. I did it with you.” She paused and gave me a smile, which I returned. “The problem is that sometimes I latch onto the wrong person. Derek was twenty-five when I met him. He was a policeman, had his own place, and owned a car. I thought he was so sophisticated,” she said, rolling her eyes at herself. “I never questioned it when he proposed to me after only two months seeing each other. We married a month after that, and I moved in with him. That’s when the hitting started. I’d forget to wash his uniform on time or I’d be late having dinner on the table, and he’d beat me black and blue. I had to escape. The circus was in town, and I saw it as my opportunity. I applied for a job, and the rest is history. Derek hasn’t found me yet, and if I play my cards right, he never will.”

I nodded, absorbing her story and thinking of how scared she must have been to run away like that. How strong she was now in the little life she’d made for herself.

“I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t know where we could buy a ticket, would you?” A voice cut through my thoughts, and Lola stepped over to the counter again to help the customer. I glanced at the woman, taking in her long dark hair and light blue eyes, her pretty heart-shaped face and stylish clothes. I normally wouldn’t have paid such close attention, but this woman had an Irish accent, which was an unusual thing to hear when you were in Italy. She looked to be in her early to mid-twenties, and smiled at us with straight white teeth.

“Yeah,” Lola began, and pointed to the ticket booth just across the way, “you can get tickets over there.”

“Thank you,” said the woman, just before a man called out,

“Watson, for crying out loud, is it impossible for you to wait up for me?”

The man behind the voice appeared a second later, and the moment I saw him, my entire body broke out into a cold sweat. He was tall, about the same height as Jack, had gorgeous hazel brown eyes and an undercut, the top part a touch dishevelled. He wore a tailored suit jacket with a band T-shirt underneath and dark jeans. Basically, he was drop-dead gorgeous; he’d barely spoken, and already I was being hit with a whack of the charisma stick. Jack had the same effect, but it was rough around the edges, and he was often unaware of it. This guy knew exactly the effect he wielded, and his charm was practiced and honed to a “T.”

I’d recognise him anywhere. This was Jay Fields, Jack’s brother, and I couldn’t believe he was standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe my letter had brought him here. I also couldn’t believe that I’d basically forgotten I’d even sent that letter. In recent weeks, I’d been so wrapped up in Jack that it had completely slipped from my mind.

He wrapped his arm around the petite woman’s waist, his jaw tight. There was an air of tension about him that put me on edge. I only realised I was staring at him with my mouth wide open when Lola nudged me with her elbow and muttered under her breath in amusement, “Close your mouth, Lille.”

Her words made me blink, snapping me back to attention.

Jay glanced at me and frowned. “Hey, are you okay, darlin? You look like you just saw a ghost.” He was staring at me hard now, attention flickering over my features as though he was thinking rapid thoughts.

“You’re Jay Fields,” I blurted out stupidly.

“A-ha!” Lola exclaimed. “I knew I recognised him from somewhere. You’re mad talented, mate. I can’t believe you’re here at the circus. I was just showing Lille your videos a couple of weeks ago. What are the chances, eh?”

Jay was still staring at me when a light bulb set off behind his eyes. “You’re Lille,” he breathed, stepping forward with his arm still around the woman. “Lille Baker?”

I swallowed hard and nodded, unable to find my voice. Jay shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out some folded papers. He unfolded them, and with a sudden pang of dread, I recognised both my and Jack’s handwriting. Jay pointed to my letter. “You wrote this?”

Again, all I could do was nod. I was sure my eyes were just two big round saucers at that stage.

“Where is he?” Jay asked, running a hand anxiously through his hair. He seemed pumped, full of nervous energy. “Where is my brother?”

“Jay,” said the woman, turning in his arms and placing her hands to his chest. Her voice was gentle, soothing. “Relax. Take a breath. We don’t even know if this is real.”

Jay closed his eyes and took a deep breath as instructed before speaking again. “That’s why I came here. I need to find out. I need to know if he’s alive.”

Whoa, hold up a second, what? Jay thought Jack was dead? I had no clue what was going on, but I did know that I needed to push back my nerves and deal with this situation. Jack had always been clear that he had no desire to see his brother ever again, but here he was, and it was all my doing. If I didn’t get a handle on it quickly, then this whole thing was likely to blow up in my face. Jack was going to hate me when he found out what I’d done. Why on earth had I done it again? Oh, yeah, because I’m a sentimental idiot.

I quickly left the refreshments stand and went around to meet them, calling over my shoulder, “Lola, can we go to Violet’s for a little bit?”

Lola seemed confused. “You want to take these two to Violet’s? Why?”

“I’ll explain everything later. But right now I need to take care of something really important.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, okay, go ahead. Violet won’t be back until later after the show anyway.”

I gave her a thankful look before turning to Jay. “Can you come with me, please? I need to talk with you. Jack can’t know you’re here, not yet.”

There was suspicion in his eyes, but after a moment he nodded and gestured for me to lead the way, taking the woman’s hand in his and following me. I quietly led them both to Violet’s camper and opened the door, standing back and gesturing for them to go inside.

They sat down in the lounge, and I stood there for a second, not knowing what to do. I moved my feet one after the other and went to put on the kettle. Then I went to sit across from them. The woman was smiling at me in a friendly manner while Jay continued to regard me with suspicion.

“I’m Matilda, by the way,” she said, holding out her hand. “Jay’s wife.”

I noticed she was wearing a beautiful engagement ring and wedding band before I took her hand and shook it.

“I’m Lille, Lille Baker, but you already know that,” I replied, my voice shaky. I stared at my hands. “So, um, as I said in my letter, Jack has no idea I wrote to you. In fact, well, I don’t know how else to say this, but he doesn’t want to see you. I apologise for being blunt, but he kind of hates you.”

Jay leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he tilted his head at me. “He hates me?”

“Well, yes, you see, it’s because your uncle told him you didn’t want to see him. And he was all alone for so long, and people treated him so badly, and he was just hurting so much. He’s still hurting, but he pretends he doesn’t care. As you can tell from the letter, he does care — he just doesn’t want to admit it.” I was rambling, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

Jay sat back, like it all suddenly made sense to him, and I wondered what I’d said that explained things. I didn’t have to wait long before a dark look came over his face, and he began shaking his head back and forth. “My uncle. My fucking dipshit of an uncle.” A silence elapsed before he turned to his wife. “Can you fucking believe this?”

“Jay, calm down,” she whispered, but her plea only seemed to set him off worse. He turned to her, furious.

“Calm down!? Calm fucking down? Not only did that evil bastard rob me of a decent childhood, but he also robbed me of my only brother. He told me Jack was dead, Matilda. Dead! What kind of sick fuck does something like that?” He punched his fist into the sofa, and it all quickly started to make sense. All of my misgivings about Jack’s story were not unfounded. I’d been right. Something fishy had been going on. Jay didn’t abandon Jack — he’d thought he was dead because that’s what his uncle had told him.

Once Jay had relaxed a little, Matilda pulled him into her arms. His body shook and I knew instinctively that he was crying. I thought I should have been more stunned by such a big, handsome, confident man crying, but I wasn’t. I felt his pain, his loss. I felt it all through my connection with Jack.

Matilda looked at me over Jay’s shoulder, and we exchanged concerned glances. I had no idea where to go from here. I mean, how would I explain all this to Jack? I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to just go right up to him and be all, Hey, Jack, funny story, but I stole the letter you wrote to your brother and sent it to him. Now he’s here, and, well, you’re welcome. Yeah, I could see that conversation going down like a lead balloon.

My eyes went to the clock on the wall, and I noticed it was almost time for Jack’s performance. Perhaps that was the way I could get around this. If I brought Jay into the audience, he’d be able to see Jack, have proof that he was alive from a distance, and then I could figure out where to go from there.

After a minute, Jay pulled away from his wife and turned to study me again. His eyes were a little blotchy, and his face stern. It was clear that he still didn’t trust me. I was wearing my summer dress and a loose cardigan, my battered converse on my feet. My hair was up in a dishevelled bun that I’d secured with a wooden paintbrush, in lieu of a proper hair tie. I was forever losing those things. I desperately wanted to know what he thought of me, and deep down I wanted him to like me because he was Jack’s brother and I was in love with Jack.

“How do you know my brother?” Jay asked, sitting up straight now and levelling me with his full attention. And whoa, the full attention of Jay Fields was more than a little intense. My skin was prickling slightly, and I felt like I was on trial.

I glanced away for a second and nervously scratched at my wrist. “I’m, well, I’m kind of his girlfriend.”

Jay’s eyebrow shot up, and for the first time something that resembled a smile shaped his lips. “Only kind of?”

My throat felt tight. “Well, yeah, I’m head over heels in love with him, but it’s all very new.”

Now he gave me a proper smile, and there must have been something in the way I said it that rang true, because all his suspicions melted away.

“Yeah, it looks like you are, darlin.” His eyes moved over my form. “My brother has good taste.” At this his wife elbowed him in the side, but she was smirking. “Stop flirting with your brother’s girlfriend, Jason,” she scolded playfully, and he raised his hands in surrender. “What? She’s cute. I’m just noticing that my brother has a cute girl, no harm in that.” He went quiet for a second, and some of his tension returned as he ran his hand down his face. “My brother,” he whispered to himself. “Fuck, this is crazy.”

“Would you like to see him now?” I asked gently, and his response was fervent.

“Hell, yes.”

Standing and smoothing down the skirt of my dress, I said, “Come on, then. He should be on stage right about now.”

As I led them both out of the camper and towards the tent, Jay asked, “So, you mentioned in your letter that Jack’s a performer, but you never said what kind?”

We were almost at the tent now, and I could hear Marina’s voice echoing through the sound system as she introduced Jack’s act. When we reached the side entrance, I took a deep breath and turned to face him. “I think I’ll let you see for yourself.”

Jay and Matilda stepped in ahead of me just as the music began to play and Jack made his entrance onto the stage, the flame-tipped metal wheels spinning on his bare, muscular arms. The audience cheered wildly, and I found my attention wandering to Jay as he stood there, frozen. His jaw was tight, his hands clenching into fists, and I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. His eyes blazed fiercely as his attention fixed on Jack, and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. Did he recognise him after all this time? What was he feeling right now to see his brother? A brother who for years he thought was dead but was in fact very much alive. And man, was Jack alive. As he moved about the stage, his very being practically pulsated with life and vitality.

Jay’s hand went to his mouth, emotion overtaking him, as Matilda wrapped her arms around him for support. All of a sudden, it looked like the strength went out of him, and if it weren’t for his petite wife, he might have crumpled to the floor. A wave of emotion hit me just watching him. My throat was heavy with tears, my lungs burned, and my heart beat hard and fast.

My attention wandered back to Jack, who was now spewing flames around the stage and soliciting noises of fear, awe, and excitement in his audience. He looked magnificent, so strong and fierce. And he had no idea that his brother was in the audience, his brother who up until a half hour ago had been convinced that he was dead. I was frightened of Jack discovering what I’d done, but at the same time, I knew it was the right thing. Both Jay and Jack had been mistaken about their past, and by putting myself on the line, I was reuniting them.

His act went on for about fifteen minutes, and several times throughout I saw Jay try to pull out of his wife’s arms and run towards the stage. He wanted Jack to know he was there. Fortunately, each time Matilda pulled him back and murmured in his ear, her words working to subdue his eagerness and distress.

What do I do now?

What do I do now?

The question was still echoing in my head as I began to panic, no answers forthcoming, when suddenly Jack was performing his final trick. He tilted his head back and dipped the torch deep inside his mouth before swallowing the flame. The moment the music cut out and the crowd began to cheer, Jay was pulling out of his wife’s hold and taking big, hurried strides toward that stage.

I heard him call out, “Jack! Jack!” but his voice melded into the noise of the cheers. Jack walked from one end of the stage to the other, taking a bow each time. When he rose from the final bow, he must have heard something, because his attention flickered across the audience. Then, as though in slow motion, his attention landed on Jay, who stood in the middle of an aisle, just a few feet shy of the stage. Time stood still, and my heart thundered in my ears as Jack stared at his brother, eyes dark and uncomprehending.

“Jack, it’s me. It’s Jay,” he called, but still Jack didn’t respond. A flash of anger passed over his face, his entire body coiling tight before he swung around, turning his back on his brother and disappearing through the curtains. Seeing Jack flee, Jay jumped up onto the stage quick as a flash and chased after him. Matilda and I exchanged glances before we both began moving through the audience to follow them.

I could hear Jay calling out, “Jack! Jack! Wait a minute!” We followed his voice until we were out in the back of the circus, where many of the camper vans were parked. Jay finally reached his brother and grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him. Jack spun around and glared at Jay, his eyes blacker than obsidian in the dark. The lights from inside the Spiegeltent flashed through the stained glass windows, casting the brothers in alternating shades of red, green, yellow, purple, and blue.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Jack hissed as he glared daggers at his brother.

“Let me explain,” Jay pleaded, chest heaving from the effort exerted in chasing down Jack.

“There’s nothing to explain. I have no idea how you found me or what you’re doing here, but you need to leave. I don’t want to see you.”

Jay was fumbling in his pocket, and my gut sank when I saw him retrieve my letter. “I got this letter in the mail. It told me where you were,” said Jay, right before Jack snatched the paper from him, his eyes flashing with fury as he scanned the words. He seemed confused for a moment as he put two and two together. Then he glanced to his brother, gaze flickering back and forth, brow furrowed. I was hit with the weight of a thousand bricks when suddenly Jack’s eyes landed on me. Those eyes were heavy with betrayal and accusation, and for a moment I found it difficult to breathe. He strode toward me with purpose and tossed the letters at my feet.

“How could you do this? I trusted you, Lille, I fucking trusted you!”

“Wait, Jack, listen. It’s not what you think,” I pleaded but he cut me off.

“Not what I think? So you didn’t steal this letter I wrote and send it to my brother without telling me? It just so happened to find its way to him by magic, did it?”

“No, but you have to understand, I did it all because I care for you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying help you.” Tears were streaming down my face as I moved to touch him, but he flinched away from me.

“I told you I hated him. I told you how he abandoned me, how fucked up my life was after. How in the hell could you be trying to help me by bringing him here?”

Before I spoke, Jay cut in. He was now standing right behind his brother. “I didn’t abandon you, Jack. You have it all wrong.”

Jack spun on him. “Shut the fuck up! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t even want to look at you.” He took a pained breath and shoved Jay back with both his hands. Jay took the hit without reciprocating. “Just stay the hell way from me, you selfish fuck!” His voice had become choked, and before I knew it, he was looking at me again with those pained eyes, and I felt my heart breaking, shattering into a million tiny pieces.

“You know what drew me to you from the very beginning, Lille? It wasn’t your pretty face, your big grey eyes, or your beautiful smile. It was because for the first time in my life I felt like I was looking at a person I could trust. Someone so open and without malice that they didn’t even possess the ability to betray, but I was wrong. And how wrong I was is destroying me inside.”

His words made my stomach twist and my throat tighten in agony.

“Jack, please,” I begged, trying to grab for him again, but he wouldn’t let me touch him.

“Hey, look, you need to calm down,” Jay interjected while Jack glowered at him hatefully. “I never abandoned you. Listen to me for one fucking minute, would you?”

Jack’s chest rose and fell with his anger, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he waited for Jay to finish. “Up until I got this letter, I thought you were dead. That’s what our sick fuck of an uncle told me. I should have questioned it, but I didn’t. I was only a kid. I didn’t know you were still alive until your girl sent me this letter, and still I thought it was someone playing a sick joke, but I had to find out for myself. Then I come here and I see you, and it’s really you, but you fucking hate me. You have to understand that everything you thought was true was a lie. I was told you died in that fire with our parents, Jack. That’s why I never came for you. Because if I thought there was even a single shred of a chance you’d still be alive, then I would have destroyed the entire world to find you. You’re my brother. I love you. Please understand that none of what happened was within either of our power to change.”

Jack stared at Jay, and little by little I could see the fight go out of him as he absorbed the words. He swallowed hard, and the tension left his body, only to be replaced with sheer agony. He turned away from Jay, his back broad and tanned in the darkness, shoulders moving up and down as he tried to compose himself.

“You’re lying,” he said, the words so quiet I barely heard them. “This is all a lie. You’re trying to manipulate me,” he went on, voice small and choked with emotion.

“I’m not lying, Jack,” Jay said, taking a tentative step forward until he was right behind him. I saw him notice the scarring on Jack’s shoulder, his face contorting with sympathy and pain at the sight of it. It was a reminder of the house fire, the catalyst for all they had been through.

“Don’t touch me,” Jack pleaded, right before Jay threw his arms around Jack’s shoulders and hugged him from behind. Jay held on for dear life while Jack fought the hug, straining in Jay’s arms, but Jay held firm.

“It’s the truth, Jack,” he murmured. “It’s the truth. You’re my brother, and I love you. And I swear to God, from this day on, you’ll never be alone again.”

All of a sudden, the tension left him, and Jack sagged in his brother’s arms. I could tell from the way his chest moved that he was crying. I thought Jay might be, too. I’d never witnessed such a scene before in my life, and I was completely undone by it. Two big, strong men, shattered by their pasts, so wholly ruined by it, embracing one another. Tears rolled down my face until I could taste the saltiness against my lips. When I looked at Matilda, I saw that she was crying, too.

“I’ll never let you go again,” Jay said, right before Jack turned and embraced him properly. My heart squeezed to see him do it, and even if Jack could never forgive me for what I’d done, I’d always have this memory. I’d always have the knowledge that my actions had brought two broken, hurting souls together. And perhaps by reuniting him with his brother, Jack would truly learn how to heal.

I felt soft, cool fingers touch against mine and looked down to see Matilda take my hand in hers. We both watched the brothers for a moment before she murmured gently to me, “Come on, let’s leave them alone for a little while. I’ve a feeling they’re going to have a lot to talk about.”

I nodded solemnly and allowed her to lead me away. Before I knew it, we were back at Violet’s camper, sitting on the steps and staring off into the night.

“I can’t believe their uncle would lie like that. I mean, where’s the payoff?” I said, not really expecting any answers.

Matilda took a breath and then started to speak. “I’m not sure there’s a payoff, not in the traditional sense, anyway. Jay’s told me a lot about his uncle Killian. After their parents died, he was the one who took Jay in and raised him, though his idea of raising a kid was fairly skewed. He was a professor of behavioural science and had this big important position at Harvard. But he used to get off on messing with people’s heads. He was constantly playing mind games on Jay until he’d finally had enough of it and ran away. I guess telling Jay that Jack was dead was just another one of his mind games. He got a kick out of separating them, I suppose.”

“He sounds like a sociopath,” I said, appalled by what she was telling me. By the sounds of it, just like Jack, Jay hadn’t had it so easy, either.

“That’d be about the size of it,” Matilda said, smoothing her hands over her skirt.

There was a stretch of silence before I spoke again, and this time my voice was laced with misery. “Jack hates me for what I did. I don’t think he’s going to forgive me.”

Matilda made sympathetic noises as she leaned close and put her arm around my shoulders. “No, that’s not true. What you did was incredibly brave. You sacrificed yourself in order to reunite him with his brother, and I for one am unendingly grateful to you. Family means the world to Jay, and seeing his brother again after all these years is the biggest gift anyone could ever give him. Jack will forgive you — you just need to allow him time to process everything. It’s a lot to take in.”

“Yeah,” I said, sniffling.

We were quiet for a long time. Usually I’d feel awkward being silent with someone I’d just met, but with Matilda, that wasn’t the case. In a way, she was having all the same feelings as I was right now. She just didn’t have the prospect of losing the man she loved dumped on top of it.

I was starting to feel a little less emotional when Matilda spoke again. “Jack is kind of beautiful, isn’t he?” she said, her voice awed. “I mean, Jay is, too — it’s just that Jack was always the little one. The younger brother. Now he’s bigger than Jay. Such a man, and wow, when he’s on the stage, he just shines. It’s incredible to see.”

I stared at her, curious. “You knew Jack when he was a kid?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I used to live next door to both of them before their house burned down. Jay and Jack didn’t have the best of upbringings even before all that. Their dad was a violent drunk, and they’d be left hungry a lot. I used to give them food and stuff.” She shrugged as though it was no big deal.

I mustered a smile for her. “You must have been a very kind child.”

“It wasn’t really intentional. I just liked being around them, helping them, you know. I must have made an impression, because Jay always remembered me. It’s kind of a long story, but he came back for me when he was grown.”

“Will you tell it to me?” I asked quietly. “I’d like to hear about you two. I don’t care if it’s long. It’ll take my mind off Jack.”

Matilda gave me an empathic smile, then began to recite her tale. I sat back and listened to the story of how she and Jay were reunited. A story of mystery and revenge and falling in love. It was truly exhilarating. And all the while I hoped my own love story hadn’t yet come to an end.