Chapter Nineteen
Meg strolled through the garden behind her brother’s country estate and let out a long sigh. Falcon’s Landing had always been an escape for her, a pleasure. But she’d been home for five days and she felt none of those things. Instead, when she looked around her, all she saw were reminders of Simon.
There in the corner of the garden, just beside the fountain, was where she had first met him. Up on the terrace was where he had once spun her in a dance the night she came out to Society and had been so nervous she almost couldn’t move. How many times had they whispered private little jokes and stories to each other at suppers at the table in the dining room?
And then there was her room. Once a sanctuary, all she could think of now when she laid her head on her pillows was that this was the place where Simon had come and claimed her innocence after they’d been forced to announce their engagement.
Every place she looked was him. Was them.
And it was so desperately unfair since she knew that “them” was a lie she’d told herself. Simon would never allow a “them” to exist. Not really.
In the end, she supposed she’d have to just sequester herself away. Perhaps James and Emma would allow her to build some kind of little cottage on the edge of the property, a place that would hold no memories of Simon. A place where he had never touched her.
God knew he’d probably be just as happy to be estranged. Then she wouldn’t be a constant reminder of all he had betrayed and lost.
“Your Grace?”
She turned to find Grimble coming down the path toward her. She wrinkled her brow, for the very proper butler was hardly ever seen outside the confines of the house.
“Is there something I can do for you, Grimble?” she asked, clearing her mind of all her maudlin thoughts as best she could.
“There is a bit of a problem that I fear requires addressing,” the butler said, stopping before her and shifting with discomfort. “A household issue.”
Meg nodded slowly. “I see. Well, what is it?”
“You know that caretaker cottage a few miles down the road on the property?”
Meg froze at the mention of the caretaker cottage. That was probably why Grimble was shifting so furiously now. Everyone knew what had transpired there between her and Simon. Well, they thought they knew, anyway.
“Yes, I think you know I know the spot,” Meg managed to croak out and Grimble blushed slightly. “What is it?”
“Well, Toby was going out to market earlier today and happened to take the long path through the estate. He noticed that some damage had been done to the cottage, and he feared some items inside might be missing.”
Meg folded her arms. “Grimble, I appreciate the importance of the issue, but why are you addressing this to me? It seems like something the estate staff could handle quite well on their own. Have them begin to repair the damage and take an inventory. Then write to Abernathe to let him know of the situation.”
Grimble cleared his throat. “Yes. Of course. I shall do that, but you see, you were the last person to be inside the cottage, Your Grace. And since there may be items missing, we thought it would be best if you could go and make some kind of list of anything you notice amiss.”
Meg shook her head. “I-I may have been there recently, but I couldn’t—”
She stopped herself. It was amazing how physical her reaction to this situation was. The very idea of going to the caretaker cottage again made anxious tingles run through her body. To go back there, to face that place…
Grimble was staring at her. “I do not want to cause you discomfort, Your Grace, of course. I only thought you might be able to help.”
Meg sighed. “No, you aren’t…it—it isn’t your fault, Grimble. And you are right, as the last person on the estate who was at the cottage, I might be the best judge of what is to be found there.” She stared off through the garden for a moment, trying to calm herself as she considered her options. “I could use a ride anyway. I’ll go past the cottage and have a look.”
Grimble almost sagged with relief. “Thank you, Your Grace. That would be most appreciated.”
She shook her head. “I’ll go change. Will you ask that Star be saddled for me?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Grimble said, falling into step beside her. “And I’ll have a picnic lunch prepared for you, as well.”
Meg did her best not to let out a deep sigh. Her broken heart must be very obvious, indeed, to have Grimble so forcefully pushing her to make half a day of her excursion. But perhaps he was right that it would do her some good to get away. She’d look in on the cottage, make her observations and then take a long ride.
“Very good,” she said as they entered the house and she headed for the stairs. “I’ll be down shortly.”
She moved to her chamber and rang for Fran to help her into her habit. It had been a long time since she rode and Star was her favorite mount, but despite all that, she didn’t look forward to it. Going back to the caretaker cottage felt like returning to a scene of a crime. And right now she wasn’t ready to face that, or all the feelings that still boiled inside of her that would likely never be resolved.
Simon saw the rider coming long before she arrived. He caught his breath and lifted his spyglass to his eye as he leaned against the window. Meg wore a dark blue riding habit and a jaunty hat, but when he caught a glimpse of her face, his heart sank. She looked utterly miserable.
And it was going to take a lion’s share of work to fix that.
He put the glass away and looked around. He had been in Abernathe for two days. Two days of hard work had put the caretaker cottage into good shape, ready for Meg and all his plans for her.
If she would stay, that was. If he had not done so much damage that she would turn away from any offer he made, not trusting him.
In the past, such a possibility would have perhaps put him off. But not today. Not with Meg. With Meg, he had to fight. It was what she needed, what she deserved. And perhaps for the first time in his life, it was what he wanted to do.
He wanted to earn her.
He heard her pulling up to the cottage. She said soft words to her mare. It was time.
He drew in a long breath, and walked to the door and outside to greet her.
She was staring up at the cottage but when he exited the house, that expression changed. For a brief moment he saw pure joy when she looked at him, love, desire, pleasure. But then those were wiped away. Pain slashed across her face and she brought a wall down between them that he knew he was entirely responsible for.
But he’d seen the joy. He knew there was a chance for them.
“Simon,” she breathed, taking a long step back. “I—what are you—how—?”
He moved toward her a step, careful not to crowed her but wanting, needing, to be closer. “I apologize for the subterfuge.”
Her lips parted and she stared at the cottage again. “There was never any damage to the house, was there? Nothing missing?”
He shook his head. “No. I’ve been here for some time, arranging things, readying them. James wrote ahead to Grimble to encourage him to act as I asked him to. So don’t blame him for—”
“Lying?” she interrupted, folding her arms.
He nodded. “Lying is correct, I suppose.”
“And why go to such lengths?” she asked, her voice going softer. “Why not just ride up to the house and demand I see you? As my husband, you have that right.”
He wrinkled his brow. “Do you think that is my personality, Meg? To make demands on you? To force you to feel or do something you don’t wish to do?”
“Well, you created an elaborate lie to make me do something I don’t wish to do,” she retorted.
“See me?”
Her bottom lip trembled slightly and then she shook her head. “I will be honest where you will not. I-I am happy to see you. I am always happy to see you. But I’m also…also…angry. And hurt. And I don’t want to go around and around in circles with you anymore. We’ve played that game far too long.”
“It’s not a game,” he whispered.
She shook her head slowly. “Why are you here, Simon? Why follow me when you’ve made your intentions so very clear over the past month?”
He wanted so much to bend his head, to pull away from her anger. But he wouldn’t. Not ever again. With much difficulty, he moved toward her another step and reached for her hand. As he took it, she trembled, but she didn’t back away.
“I came here because I know I have made a mess of everything, Meg. You said I didn’t fight. Actually, so did Graham…so did James. And you are all correct. My nature is to do something else entirely. But when you left London, when it was clear you were surrendering in the battle for our future, I realized that losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I know I’m late, I know I’m maybe too late. But I’ve come here to fight, Meg. Fight for you.”
Her lips parted, and he could see how much those words meant to her. But she didn’t fall into his arms. She didn’t launch into a soliloquy of her love for him. Instead she gently removed her hand from his.
“I don’t know, Simon. I just don’t know,” she whispered.
He nodded. “And that’s fine. I know for both of us. I don’t ask you to forgive me right away. I don’t ask you to make me promises. But I’m asking you to let me try. Will you do that?”
She shifted her weight, but her gaze never left his. She was struggling with what he requested, afraid she would be hurt again. In that moment, she was so entirely beautiful that he couldn’t resist. He stepped in, closing the space between them.
He tucked a finger beneath her chin and tilted her mouth toward his. He brushed his lips against hers, reveling in the kiss he had been longing for since the day she walked out of the parlor. She opened to him with a little sigh and he gently took what she offered, working hard not to get swept away by passion because he needed to be levelheaded for his plans.
At last, he drew back, seeing her confusion and her need and her pain still merged together in her tortured expression.
“Please, Meg, let me try to be the man I should have been from the beginning.”
She let out a long sigh and then she nodded. “Very well.”
“Excellent!” he said, backing away from her with great difficulty and clapping his hands together. “Then remove that picnic bag from Star’s saddle and I’ll bind her to a post for the servants to collect her.”
Meg stared at him. “How do you know there’s a picnic bundle and that—” She cut herself off with a shake of her head. “Oh, I see. You’ve arranged everything.”
“I’ve tried.” He motioned her toward the horse. “Go on then.”
She actually smiled as she did as she was told. When she removed the saddlebag, she grunted. “Good Lord, there’s enough in here for days.”
“I hope so,” he said, guiding the horse to a post near the cottage and securing her there. “That was what I asked for.”
She met his eyes briefly. “How long am I to stay out here with you?”
“As long as you agree to,” he said with a shrug. “As long as you don’t run out of clothing, which will be delivered when they come to take the horse.”
“How many servants are in on your scheme?” she asked, shaking her head.
He grinned. “Not many. Grimble, obviously, and Fran. Plus whomever they involved. But this isn’t about anyone else but us.”
She turned her face away and he frowned. She wasn’t ready to believe him yet. And that was fine. He was ready to fight now. He was actually looking forward to it. It was the first thing that had felt right in his life for years.
He slung the saddlebag over his shoulder and reached for her hand. She focused on his outstretched fingers for a moment, and he could see her mind turning. But at last she took them. He squeezed gently and then guided her out onto the path and away from the cottage into the same woods they had roamed the afternoon both their lives had changed.
But that day wasn’t the only thing he wanted Meg to remember. They had shared many a day in these woods. Many a memory that he hoped would guide her back to him.
She was silent for a while as they walked, then she let out a breath like she’d been holding it for a while. “What do you want me to do?”
He stopped in the path and turned toward her. “Nothing. You’ve been doing everything for a long time. Let me do something now. Just…be open. That’s all I have to ask.”
Her lower lip trembled. “Why now?”
“I would tell you that it’s because I love you. That it’s because I’ve loved you for a decade. That it’s because the thought of losing you actually cuts away a piece of my heart.”
Tears swelled in her eyes, and he wanted so desperately to wipe them away or make some kind of joke to diminish their power, but he didn’t. It was time to show them. Time to show her everything that was in his heart, uncomfortable or not. Withholding himself from her had nearly made him lose her. Now he had to give her everything.
“But I’m not going to tell you that,” he continued. “Because right now my words are meaningless without something more behind them. So I’m going to show you how I feel, Meg. And I only hope that it’s going to be enough.”