Dahlia

I woke up the next morning feeling like the night before had been a complete fairytale. We had danced for what had been almost an hour before it was time to watch the bride and groom cut the cake. And after that, we just kept dancing and talking. By the time the car had deposited me at my front door, I felt like we had only been on three dates combined, even though we both remained firmly in denial that there was any romance between us. But as I made my way to my kitchen for something to calm my stomach, which was rolling from the hangover, I couldn’t help but acknowledge the obvious connection between the two of us.

I was into him. Oh God, I was so into him. I was entirely beyond the part of the beginning where being around him made me nervous and wanted to hurl. No. At this point, I felt like I needed to be around him. As I started the pot for coffee, I could practically feel myself craving him. I refilled my cup of water and went to sit in front of my laptop at the counter, pulling it open. I checked my email and then Facebook, practically humming to myself.

God, Chet make me feel so freaking free.

Just as I started scrolling through my newsfeed, I heard the telltale sound of a Skype call coming in. I froze, then my heart started fluttering at the site of James’ thumbnail. Crap. I had promised to talk to him yesterday before the wedding, but I had been so caught up in finding a dress that I ended up forgetting all about it. He must have been waiting for me. My already rolling stomach was lurching by the time I answered the call.

His image filled my screen. I blinked at the site of his messy hair, the bags under his eyes telling me he hadn’t slept at all the night before. He was upset with me. I could tell. “Hey.” I took a generous gulp of my water.

He looked at me, but then furrowed his brow and ducked his head, looking closer. “What the heck happened to you?”

I glanced at my image, and my eyes widened as I saw what he was talking about. I had been so tired the night before coming back from that wedding that I hadn’t washed my face or anything and had simply gone straight to bed. My hair, which had been so nicely curled the night before was now a complete matted mane on top of my head, my eye makeup had morphed into black circles around my eyes, and the lipstick I was wearing had smudged all the way onto my cheek.

I gulped at him. “It was a crazy night.”

He set his jaw, folding his hands in front of his face. “I thought you said you weren’t going to stay out late.”

I was starting to believe that it was impossible for the two of us to have a conversation without it turning into some kind of fight. “What’s the big deal?”

If he had answered my question and been honest with me, if he had told me how upset he was that I had been blowing him off since the move, if he had tried to open up to me about how he was feeling about the relocation, if he could bite his pride down long enough to just tell me he missed me, maybe that conversation would have gone differently.

But no. Instead, he said, “Nothing. I’m just worried you’ll be too tired for work.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “It’s a Sunday.”

“Did you go to church?”

My eyes widened. “Gosh, Mom. Sorry, but no.”

He shook his head. The obvious disappointment on his face made me want to throw my computer.

“You’re just upset that I didn’t call you.”

“No. I don’t care.”

I glowered at him, my eyes tearing up. I hated how, no matter what I was feeling, he could bring me all the way back down to his, sad, depressed frame of mind. “Are you so selfish that you can’t open up to me?”

“Are you so self-centered that you think everything, even how I chose to deal with my own feelings is about you?”

My eyes widened. “You can’t be serious. I’ve dated you for three years. How dare you tell me your feelings have nothing to do with me.”

He rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Dahlia. Why are you such a drama queen?”

“Why do you choose to talk to me like I’m a child?” My face was red hot with anger.

“Because you act like one.”

In that moment, I couldn’t do it anymore. No. Better still, I wouldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t going to continue to sacrifice my happiness so that James could feel comfortable. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted someone I felt like I could talk to and someone I felt could talk to me. I wanted an actual partner, not a do-gooder who saw me as a childish charity case. “You know what, I’m done.”

He froze at that. His face didn’t change, but I could tell that he was tearing up. “What?” His voice sounded heavy.

A lump lodged itself in my throat. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. This was the most significant jump in my personal life I had made in almost a decade. I had always gone for the safe option, the obvious choice. “Yes.” I managed to say.

I shut the laptop before he could say anything else.

For the first time…

I felt….

Free…

***

I had been lying in bed for the rest of that morning watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians, eating as many carbs as I could get my hands on to ward off the hangover pain, trying my best not to think about James, when Chet called me. He sent me a car to take me back up to his grandfather’s ranch. He wanted to take his horse out for a run and wanted me to come with him.

An hour later, I had pulled my hair back into a braid, broken out the cowboy boots (for the first time in my life) and was standing in the late afternoon sun, staring at the most beautiful beast I had ever seen. The horse had a dark red coat with black hair. It looked like a rock star in its dressing and was incredibly well-behaved, just standing there stock still like some kind of stoic being.

“All right. You ready to go?” Chet came out of the barn and stalked towards me, his hands brandishing a set of gloves.

My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him, tall and strong in those cowboy boots, that flannel t-shirt, and those dark jeans. I could see his bulge through the jeans, especially with the way his belt cut in. I bit my lip, my mind wandering, thinking wild thoughts about what it might feel like to touch him. But even as those thoughts crossed my mind, they were intercepted by thoughts of James. The break-up was still fresh in my mind. I mean, this was a man I had known for several years, who had been my partner for three of them. It was hard just to let him go without feeling at least a little out of sorts.

“Yes,” I said as I watched him tighten the saddle.

He stepped up to the horse’s head.

“What’s her name?” I asked. I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like the kind of thing people said in situations like that.

Chet chuckled. “Jackie.”

I smiled. “Like Jackie Kennedy.”

He shook his head, a mischievous look in his eye. “No. Like Jackie Chan.”

I furrowed my brow. I didn’t like that look on his face. What did he know that I didn’t know? “What does that mean?”

“She’s fast as hell.”

I pursed my lips, a lump building in my throat. “You know I’ve never been on one of these things before,” I said, hoping he would catch a hint and go easy on me. Or, better yet, forgo the whole operation altogether.

He shrugged. “Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He stepped up to her head and started petting her under her chin.

I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him touching her like that, his strong strokes, the way that his forearms tensed up in the process. I liked it. The two of them standing there together. This kind of unspoken connection between them made my heart stir. “Are you sure?”

He stopped what he was doing to shoot me an exasperated look. “Look, there’s nothing to worry about with Jackie. She was a crazy gal as a pony, but she’s been domesticated for a long time. We know each other well. She would never do anything to hurt me, and I would never let her do anything to hurt you.”

I liked the idea of him protecting me like that. I nodded. “Sure. Okay.”

“Now, I fully expect that before the winter you are completely independent at riding.”

I laughed at this. “Okay well, then I guess I’m gonna have to pass. I was game when I thought this was going to be leisure…” I feigned walking away, taking a few steps back from him, but he grabbed my wrist.

I froze. The touch was so commanding, and yet, so intimate at the same time. It sent electric shocks up my spine. In that moment, I wanted to jump on him right then and there, but I stopped myself. This entire day, or past couple of weeks, was just too good to be true. I didn’t want to fool myself into thinking there was something there that wasn’t really.

He locked eyes with me. “We should go while there’s still sunlight.”

I hated the way my stomach turned at the idea of sitting on top of that horse, but I had to keep it all to myself. I was not going to be that one sissy who couldn’t even manage riding horseback behind Chet. As he grabbed the reins, his forearms flexing in the process, and hoisted his tight body onto the back of that gorgeous horse, I couldn’t help but wonder who else he had taken out like this.

But I shook that thought from my mind, trying not to let myself read too much into anything. The fact of the matter was that I had a sneaking suspicion that my courage to break up with James had something to do with Chet, but I had to get that out of my head. Breaking up with James was the right thing to do. It was the bravest thing I had done in a long time.

He reached down to me, and I grabbed his hand, my face contorted into a poker face as I settled in behind him, trying my best not to show my struggle. Once I was up there, I kept my lips pursed, sucking in as much air as I could while not exposing the fact that I was completely out of breath.

Once I had done that, I glanced around me, feeling accomplished that I had gotten up there. From that height, I could see surprisingly far. I narrowed my eyes at the sight of the sun begins its descent behind the distant hills; the crimson color that splashed across the sky; a distant lake with its waters glistening in the light. “Wow,” I murmured. I wrapped my hands around his torso, another thing I assumed people were supposed to do in this situation.

“Hold on.” At that, he snapped the reins, and the horse launched into a trot.

I clenched my teeth in the beginning, but soon got used to the swaying motion as we left the barn and started on a dirt path that wound through a wooded area, just off the end of the grandfather’s lawn. “So,” I said. I wanted to make conversation to distract myself from thinking about how dependent we were on this horse not going berserk and throwing us off of it. “Have you always had Jackie?”

He nodded.

I dug my chin into his back, fully enjoying the woodsy scent of his body. I couldn’t ignore how comfortable I felt around him. It all seemed so natural.

“I got her when I was thirteen. My grandpa thought we could train her together.”

I glanced around me, gazing up at the green canopy above, how the sun slipped through the leaves, casting a reddish, emerald glow on everything. I loved the smell of the dirt and wood. I could get used to this. “That’s nice. Were you close to him?”

“Yeah. At first. I got on better with him than my dad. They didn’t like each other really.”

“Why didn’t they like each other?” I didn’t mean to pry, but I felt like I had gotten an all-access ticket to inside the head of one of the most eligible bachelors in the country.

“My grandfather had his ranch. My dad had the team. They just didn’t really see eye to eye about it, I guess. When my dad decided not to take over running the ranch and to have the team full time, my grandfather saw it as some sort of rejection, I guess. And then he died.”

The horse had started to slow.

“Your grandfather?”

“Well, both are… dead now.”

I nodded. The death of his father was one of those things that pervaded the thoughts of everyone that worked for the Cowboys. It was very much a public situation, a public grief. I couldn’t help but wonder what that must have been like for him. “If you could make that decision; the ranch or the team, what would you pick?”

He scoffed, a nervous laugh coming out of his mouth.

We stopped.

He turned ever so slightly so that he was almost facing me head on. I leaned forward. We were inches apart. I felt drawn to him as if he held me down on this earth and not gravity.

“I’d never thought about it.”

I looked right at his lips, which were slightly parted. He was so close. And I wanted him so bad. “So, think about it now.”

He chuckled, his hand finding its way to my knee.

My skin felt hot under his touch.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I have no idea what I would have wanted.” He gazed up at the sky as I tighten my grip on him, his hand lightly stroking my knee. “I guess I would have liked both. I never saw myself as a replica of my grandfather or my father. That’s what the problem was.”

I nodded. “I never knew my father.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Really.”

“Yeah.” I hadn’t talked about this with anyone in a long time. It was hard to connect with the people I worked with when they were always my competition in a way. I guess this was the first place that I could allow myself to settle. And I couldn’t help but settle with Chet. “He was a lawyer when I was growing up, really distant. Then when I was 12, he died.”

He frowned, taking a hand off my knee and taking my hand instead. “That must have been so hard. I know what I’m going through now, and I can’t imagine going through it as a kid.”

I nodded. “What are you going through?” I wanted to be close to him.

He shook his head, his gaze cast down. “I guess, they’re just all of these questions I have now that I never thought to ask. And now I can’t.” Then, as if shutting a door. He sat up straight, clearing his throat. “Well, we were never that close anyway. I always just did what he wanted to ward off the fights.”

“Well, you don’t have to do that anymore.”

He cleared his throat. “That’s true. But I’m lost.” He gazed right at me. “You’re the only thing that I’m sure about now.”

I was breathless, had no idea what to say. Then, as if releasing me from my obligation, he kissed me. He wrapped one strong arm around me and pressed his lips onto mine. My head spun as we sat there in the middle of the forest embracing each other. Our lips danced together as his grip grew stronger and stronger around me. My heart thudded in my chest, goosebumps spouting on the back of my neck as he clutched the back of my head.

I held onto him as tight as I could, my womanhood engorged with desire. I wanted him, oh God I wanted him. But as I ran a hand through his grey-streaked hair, a thought blasted to mind: could I really have sex with him? I had never done it before. When I was younger, it was because I never had a boyfriend and then I started dating James, who made me promise that we could wait until marriage. And now, I was in my late twenties and still a virgin. My virginity was not really something I coveted particularly close, but now that it had been so long, I felt strange just getting rid of it like that.

My toes curled in my boots as he kissed my neck, his breath hot on my skin. “Let’s get off this horse.” He muttered.

But I cleared my throat, pulling away. “I think we should stay on.”

He kept kissing me, making this decision harder and harder. “I know you want me too.”

But I pushed him away, pulling back. When he saw the look on my face, he stopped for good. “Is everything okay?”

I nodded. “I just…”

Then his eyes widened as if remembering something. “James?”

I shook my head. “I broke up with him.”

“Then what?”

“I just,” I bit my lip, releasing what I was about to say was tantamount to a rejection. “I just don’t think I’m ready.”

I wasn’t sure how he’d react if I told him I was a virgin, what he’d do. I was worried he wouldn’t want me anymore. If this were all about sex, he’d probably rather hook up with someone more experienced. If it weren’t, it shouldn’t matter.

I guess, I just wasn’t ready to find out which it was.