Chapter Eighteen
There were moments Shane would give anything to erase. Watching Caitlin turn on her heel and leave topped the list.
This conversation with Matt came in at a close second.
“You’re fucked,” Matt told him.
“That’s incredibly helpful,” Shane said. “And also old news.” His gaze blindly traversed the printouts stuck all over his office walls. He shared the space with the lead guy on each shift, so it wasn’t exactly personal, but he’d still miss it. And he’d yet to figure why he hadn’t kicked Matt the hell out.
“It’s not like you to get torn up over a woman,” Matt said. “Level with me. What’s going on?”
Shane sighed heavily. There was no way Matt would relent, but more than that, if Shane filled him in, maybe some of it would get back to Caitlin. Maybe Lexi would make sense of it for her. Maybe she’d hurt a little less. But he couldn’t let Matt think he wanted him to run his mouth, so he threw out a warning he fully expected to go unheeded. All to take the coward’s way out.
“Anything I say stays here,” Shane said. “Never to be repeated. Even the vaguest reference means I go straight to Lexi with the reason she had a house full of praying mantises.”
Matt snickered. “Deal.”
That Matt could find humor in having opened a jar of baby mantises in her house—or rather, that she might learn he’d helped along the situation—made Shane think he should talk to Diego instead. That man had been through hell with his divorce, so he of all people would get it, but he was also the last one who needed to hear it. He’d lost the woman he loved; Shane was walking away from his.
And fuck wherever that thought was headed. He picked at a chip on the desk rather than meet Matt’s eyes. “I have never felt this way about a woman. Not even close. She’s the most contrary person I’ve ever met. She has to argue or question everything I say. She’s…”
“Damn near perfect for you?” Matt supplied.
Shane ignored him. “And physically…” What could he even say? “We connect. It’s intense.”
“Still waiting to hear the problem,” Matt said, sounding bored.
A beep sounded throughout the building. Shane listened to dispatch until he was sure it was another station’s call, then continued. “I’ve wanted this transfer for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted her for a couple of weeks.”
Matt shrugged, kicking back in a creaky pea-soup-green chair that had an inventory sticker from the nineteen-seventies stuck to the bottom. “We don’t get to pick the moments that change our lives.”
The words dug a little deeper than Shane would readily admit, not just in terms of Caitlin, but for his dad. He responded by shoving Matt’s feet off his desk.
They hit the floor with a dull thud. Matt scowled. “You realize you’re never going to live up to this image you’ve crafted in your head, right? You won’t ever be him.”
His dad. What Shane wouldn’t give for that to be different. It would have changed so much. Too much, maybe. “You sound like my sister.”
“Jess doesn’t hold back. She wants you here.”
“I earned that transfer,” Shane said evenly, but even as the words left his mouth, he wondered. His dad’s guys had stayed in touch, and their support had been steadfast for two decades now. From the time he’d joined the FD, he’d been told he had a job in Denver if he ever wanted one.
All because of his father’s name.
For the first time in his life, he didn’t see that as a good thing. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have anything to prove.
It left him with more to prove.
“Your dad was an in,” Matt said. “I’m not saying you don’t deserve the job, and I know you’d kick ass at it, but you’ll be there because of him and you know it. We all know it. What the rest of us know that you don’t is that he’s gone.”
Shane gave Matt a sharp look. “Do I punch you now, or wait until you’re not expecting it?”
Matt held his arms wide. “Take your shot if you want it. You’ll only prove I’m getting to you.” His smile faded. “Look, you aren’t your father. It doesn’t matter how great he was, or how great you’ll be. You’re your own damn person, and if you’re worried about what he’d think, I’m guessing nothing would make him prouder than to see you make your own way in this world. Love him. Remember him. Honor him. But step the fuck out of his shadow. Things don’t grow in the dark.” He paused. “You know what every parent seems to want?”
Shane blinked. “Do you?”
Matt nodded. “I think so. You’d be horrified by how much Hallmark Channel I’m forced to watch with Lexi.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What does every parent want?”
“For their child to be happy.”
“Not much of a revelation there,” Shane said.
“Then try this one for size,” Matt said. “And try not to lie to yourself. You’ve got Denver on one side and Caitlin on the other. Let’s assume there’s no compromise and that you have to pick one. Which one are you willing to live without?”
Life without Caitlin. He’d need his memories wiped to have a chance in hell for that to happen. But he’d worked too hard and for too long to give it up now. He hadn’t done that for his family, and he couldn’t do it for her.
He had to go to Denver.
…
One week later
Now that Caitlin knew what Netflix and chill was, she was surprised to have any traffic at her grand opening, but the place was jumping. When the tenth person arrived within the first hour, Caitlin and Lexi exchanged perplexed glances. Lexi shrugged. “Maybe the word got out about the sex books.”
“That would not be ideal.” Besides, she’d stashed most of those in the back. She didn’t want to be run out of town for being the porn lady, though those dusty old volumes were yet another thing that didn’t have anything on the internet or streaming television. “But something had to have happened. Any idea what?”
Lexi reached over to scratch the head of the fluffball of a kitten Caitlin had adopted from the shelter. “My guess? People met you and like you and they want to see you succeed, so they’ve all piled in here to buy books.”
“That would be fantastic, but I have a feeling I’m going to end up putting a lot of these obscure books online.”
“Good,” Lexi said. “Go with the flow of things. That’s how you succeed. And by the way, you’re not fooling anyone with this cat’s name.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Caitlin lied.
“Lou? Really? No relation to a certain lieutenant?”
That certain lieutenant was long gone. She hadn’t seen him since the morning at the firehouse, and while she wasn’t quite okay with that, she was getting there. Kitten’s name notwithstanding. To Lexi, she said, “I’m certain they don’t share a single strand of DNA.” That much, at least, was true, if not exactly what Lexi meant.
“Good to know,” Lexi said, though her tone suggested she wasn’t buying it.
Caitlin pushed those thoughts away and rang up a stack of books for one customer, and then for two more customers after that. Before she stepped away from the register, a striking young woman with glossy dark hair approached. She seemed familiar, and Caitlin assumed from the picnic, until Lexi greeted her.
“Hey, Jess,” Lexi said. “Have you and Caitlin met?”
“No,” Jess said. “Because my brother is a moron who thinks sticking his head in the sand makes things a little less real.”
Lexi offered Caitlin a bemused look. “Jess is Shane’s sister. She’s as blunt as he is obtuse.”
“I love you already,” Caitlin said. No wonder she thought Jess looked familiar. She and Shane intensely favored each other. She wanted to ask how he was, but his name on her tongue…it was still too raw. Breaking down in front of the fifteen people currently crowding her store wouldn’t go over well.
Jess offered a warm smile. “Good, because that book you took to the fire station for Shane to read? If it’s for sale, I’d like to buy it.” Caitlin’s curiosity must have been obvious, because Jess added, “I want to give it to him for his birthday.”
“Now I love you,” Lexi said. “Without even knowing the details of this plot, I’m convinced he deserves it.”
“So he told you about that book?” Caitlin didn’t try to hide her surprise, though she did manage to shoot Lexi a dirty look. Surely Jess hadn’t heard the sordid details of Caitlin’s not-a-relationship with Shane from her brother, and Caitlin didn’t want her to hear them here. Not in front of her.
“Sort of,” Jess replied. “I saw him with it, and it didn’t exactly look his speed. I asked; he gave me a hard time.” She smiled sweetly. “I figured I’d give it back.”
Caitlin grinned. “I like how you think.”
She grabbed it out of the storage room, then let Lexi finish ringing up Jess’s purchase.
Package in hand, Jess took a step toward the door, then paused and caught Caitlin’s eye. “He’s actually going to love this book,” she said.
Caitlin swallowed the surge of memories that followed. Don’t go there. “I hope things are going well for him with the new job,” she finally said. She managed to spit out the words without her voice breaking. That was something.
Jess frowned. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I’ve never heard him sound more miserable. I thought leaving to chase a ghost was the dumbest thing he’d ever done, but he managed to outdo himself when he walked away from you.”
Oh hell. Now she was going to cry, but for what? She’d tried. He’d walked. Discussion over. “I don’t know what he told you—”
Jess offered a reassuring smile. “Nothing. But I’ve known him my entire life. He used to light up when he talked about the department. Now, that’s all you.”
“He left,” Caitlin said. She managed to keep her voice even, but the sharp edges of her emotions left her raw and twisted inside. Again.
“He and his pride will figure it out soon enough, but you didn’t hear that from me.” Jess glanced around the store. “I’m glad to see so many people supporting you. This place is a sentimental favorite around town. I think you’ll be really happy here.”
“Thanks,” Caitlin said.
Jess nodded and made her way to the door, stopping to greet a couple of people on her way out.
“For what it’s worth,” Lexi said after Jess left, “I agree with her. He really is an idiot to have walked away from you.”
Caitlin tried not to scowl, but keeping her mouth from twisting into a frown took an enormous amount of effort. She didn’t disagree. But Shane had followed his heart and ended up in Denver. She’d followed hers and landed in Dry Rock. There wasn’t a compromise there, so the fact she was irritated only irritated her more.
Put on your big girl panties and shake it off.
“Well, maybe he’s not the only one who needs convincing.” Caitlin pocketed her phone. “Can you watch the store for a few minutes?” There was no point in her sitting there glaring at the walls. Not when she could close the book on her so-called relationship with Shane, at least as far as she was concerned.
“Um, sure. Where are you going?”
“To take a selfie.”