Chapter Fifteen
Becky woke to her dog nuzzling her face. “Jiggy.” The dog’s sweet warmth cleared the nightmare she’d been having, but damn, she hurt all over from Cade tackling her. Logan had been right that she’d tighten up in the middle of the night. Turning her head, she saw the empty space next to her. “He’s out on the porch, isn’t he?”
Jiggy didn’t answer.
She couldn’t feel abandoned, though. Logan had taken care of her. He had brought her home, settled Pricilla and Pam, and then Logan had taken her in the hot bath. He just held her there, letting the water ease her sore muscles. After that, he’d tucked her into bed and held her until she’d slept.
Forcing herself to her feet, she took the two Advil waiting for her. Becky wrapped a blanket around herself then stopped at the door to her baby’s room. She eased it open. Pam and Pricilla slept on the bed and Sophie slept in her crib.
Jiggy went to the dog bed beneath Sophie’s crib.
Becky left the door ajar and headed out to the porch.
“Becky?” Logan cut her off before she got two steps outside. “What do you need?”
The moonlight spilled over him, illuminating his stark bones and empty eyes. She hated his torment. “Just you.”
He glanced at the door, his jaw clamping with iron determination. “All right, let’s go to bed.”
She touched his face. “You’d do it, wouldn’t you?”
“What?” His gaze stayed locked on that door.
“Force yourself through the door. For me.”
“It’s okay, I can do it.”
She believed he could. That he’d done it many times before and no one noticed. He’d learned to cope with his symptoms and find a way to live, but not to heal his heart. “I don’t want to go inside. I just want your arms around me.”
Finally, he dragged his gaze to hers. “It’s cold. You’ll be more comfortable in bed.”
She shook her head, then winced at a stab of pain. “Not if you’re suffering. Please, Logan, let me stay out here with you. I already took the Advil you left for me, I just…you said if I ever needed you to hold me, you would. I need that.” She hadn’t meant to beg him, but it was the truth.
His jaw softened. “I’ll hold you.” He led her to the chair, sat, and eased her onto his lap so she rested against his steady heartbeat.
The nightmare weighed on her, and she blurted out, “Dylan called me a whore when I told him I was pregnant. He said I tried to trap him. So did his parents. In the hallway of the courthouse, they screamed at me that I was a gold-digging whore.”
His muscles flexed and swelled. “You’re not a whore.”
“I know that logically, but words have a strange power. They dig in deep, burrow where we can’t see them and release a slow poison that taints our lives.” She took a breath and added, “Like our first kiss. It was wonderful, the best kiss I’d ever experienced, but when I realized I was losing control, Dylan and his parents’ words echoed in my head.”
He leaned his face to hers. “There was nothing wrong about that, baby. Nothing. All I saw and felt was a beautiful, sweet woman trusting me enough to give her pleasure.” He kissed her hair. “You never hold back with me now, do you?”
How could she not have fallen in love with him? “No. When you touch me, I feel safe, sexy, and whole.” Like right now in his arms. Before she lost her train of thought, she went on, “Logan, that man and your father called Pam a whore. That’s going to sink deep and fester. She needs you to help her excise that.”
He recoiled. “Me?”
“You’re her big brother. She’s adored you forever. Promise me you’ll talk to her. Don’t let that word burrow too deep inside your sister’s heart.”
Logan eyes softened. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Good.” She rested her head on his chest.
He stroked her hair. “Did you come out here because you were worrying about Pam?”
“I woke, you were gone and…” What did she tell him? “I missed you. I guess having me in bed with you doesn’t ease your nightmares anymore.” Logan had told her that he had fewer nightmares when she slept with him, and if he did have one, having her close enough to pull her into his arms calmed him.
Logan stared into her eyes. “That’s not it. I—shit.” He rubbed his hand over his face.
“What? You can tell me.”
“Every time I went to sleep, I was right back in Afghanistan in a remote village, reliving the moment when I forced myself to go through the door of a tiny mud house, even though black dread filled every goddamned cell in my body. But I had a job to do, so I did it. I went through that door.”
Becky sucked in her breath.
“Only this time in my nightmare, it wasn’t eight young girls, a man, his wife, and a tiny baby that I found dead. It was you and Sophie dead. I got there too late.”
He’d suffered something awful beyond her ability to truly understand. “They were murdered?”
“The family was running an underground school for girls. The Taliban killed them all, even the baby.”
That was why he came outside and had to sometimes force himself to go through a door.
“They were dead..” He looked into her eyes. “I snapped that day. I’d heard the term red rage before, but the moment I saw that dead baby, that’s exactly what filled my mind. Hunt and I—”
“Who is Hunt?”
“Another Marine, Hunter Reece. He works for Once a Marine, too. We quickly picked up the trail of those baby killers and…ended them. Some of it I don’t remember, or maybe I just don’t want to remember it.”
She shivered at the utter ice in him. He was retreating, pulling back inside himself and could she blame him? God, what he’d seen. And what he’d probably done to the killers in his rage…that couldn’t be an easy thing to remember. She stayed quiet, unsure if he realized how much he’d told her. Instead, she pressed her palm against his, and laced their fingers together.
“It was worse in the nightmare tonight, seeing yours and Sophie’s faces like that.” He rubbed his thumb over her hand. “I jerked awake and needed you so damned bad I broke into a sweat trying to keep from touching you.”
“You’ve pulled me into your arms other nights, so why not tonight?” She couldn’t change what he’d lived through, but she could keep him from being alone when he hurt because of it now.
“You’re sore and need your rest. I didn’t want to wake you.” He pulled his fingers from hers, tried to press her head down. “I won’t use you like that.”
But he would make himself go through the door for her, even when it caused him anxiety? He’d come to her rescue without a second’s hesitation at the rodeo. But she couldn’t comfort him when he needed care? Fierce emotion boiled in her. Logan had been alone too long. No one had fought for him, no one had held him. Yet he’d been strong and smart enough to find a therapist to help him cope with the PTSD, and now he was building a camp to reach other veterans who’d felt as alone as he had.
And he was still alone with no one to help him heal his heart. Until now.
“You don’t get to do that. You don’t.”
Startled, he pulled his head back. “Do what?”
“Hold back when you need me. Earlier you said I don’t hold back with you anymore. But you should have woken me, told me you needed me.”
His eyes caught the moonlight and glittered. “And then what, Becky? Tell you to spread your legs because I needed you so bad I felt like I was dying? That I needed to prove we’re both still alive? That I need to be so deep inside your body I could feel your heart beating? Ask that of you when you just got knocked around by a bastard, because I wasn’t there to protect you? Is that what you’re telling me I should have done?”
She glared at him. “Yes.”
The sharp lines of his face throbbing with anger melted into utter confusion. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. You wouldn’t hurt me. You’d be gentle because I’d need that right now and together we would find comfort and pleasure. I know this because you are the man I not only trust with my heart and body—”
Fear rode into his eyes and set up camp, leeching away the beautiful green and leaving behind a sickly shade.
She refused to back down. He needed to know that she cared. “You are the man I love. I didn’t know what real love for a man was until you.”
He sucked in a tortured breath, then shook his head, trying to deny her words.
Catching hold of his face, she knew Logan would look at her, because he was too strong a man, too honorable to do anything else. This was the man who didn’t want to go through the door that hellish day so long ago in Afghanistan, but he’d done that, too.
With her eyes locked on his, she told him her absolute truth. “I love you.”
His warm hand covered hers, while his gaze undulated with regret. “People don’t love me. Not like that.”
He believed that, and her throat ached. “I do.” Before he could object, or try to sooth her feelings, she added softly, “I’m here for you as long as you want me.”
…
Want her?
He didn’t think he could breathe without her and that terrified him.
God, she gave him everything. Logan hadn’t ever had this. Was it real? Could he trust it? A part of him held back.
A part of him always held back.
While Becky exposed her heart and offered him her body.
Rising, he carried her to his room, eased the door closed, and settled her on the sheets. The moonlight streamed in, showing him his beautiful girl. Her honey blond hair spread around her face, brown eyes on him.
Only him.
With her good arm, she reached to shove her panties down.
He caught her hand, his chest inflating at her love. “No.” His cock disagreed, but the rest of Logan meant it. “You’re what I need. Sex will wait until you’re feeling better.” Easing onto the bed, he turned her to her side and put a pillow beneath her injured arm. The cut wasn’t that bad, but Logan needed to take care of her. It felt…right.
“I want to. I love it when you’re inside me.”
She was going to kill him saying things like that. His cock twitched hard against her soft bottom, but he wasn’t taking any chances that could hurt her. All he needed was this—his wife in his arms. He wanted to share a part of him with her. “Becky.”
“Hmm?”
She was going soft and fluid. The Advil was working and exhaustion was pulling her under. Would she remember what he told her? “After I came to live at the ranch, I didn’t fit anywhere. Didn’t belong. I knew that this spot of land would be mine one day so I came here to escape. In those days, I had a little fort I built where the house is now.”
“I wish I’d seen it, a special place that was all yours. That’s why this land is so important to you, and why it’s been your touchstone when the PTSD rears up. It’s your safe place.”
She always did that, heard what he said and understood it as best as another person could. Made him feel seen and heard. Worthy. He slipped his hand beneath her tank to her belly. That connection with her soothed the ragged edge of his memories. “Yes.”
“Did you ever visit your mom?”
Barren emptiness opened in his chest. “The custody agreement required she visit me on the ranch. She couldn’t take me anywhere. She came a few times, but she left. Usually when I was asleep.” He’d wake and she’d be gone again.
Becky twisted her head, her eyes on him. “That’s cruel.”
Here it was, the truth he’d never said out loud. “I learned to stop needing anyone. It was easier. Alone is easier.” He was trying to give Becky a reason not to walk away when the contract ended.
Tell her you care, that what you’re feeling for her must be love.
But he couldn’t. “I’m trying to change, to learn how to be with you.”
She turned away, settling into sleep, while Logan hated himself for holding back. Deep down, he couldn’t help but admit the truth to himself. His mother hadn’t been able to commit—not to her husband or her son.
Was he just like her?
…
Becky opened the door and barely repressed a groan. “Kendra.” Fifth time in the last ten days the woman had dropped by. She was on Becky’s last nerve. “What’s up?”
Without waiting for an invitation, the other woman walked in. “I’ve brought by a few things from the house for Pricilla.” Kendra went to the table and held out a bag. “Brian really wants you to come home. He’s misses you.”
Resigned, Becky dropped into a chair by Pricilla. Kendra was working closely with Brian on photographing the ranch for new shots on the Knight Ranch website. And somehow, she’d ended up being Brian’s messenger girl, too.
Probably because Abby refused to get involved. From what Becky heard, she had told her father that he was wrong and it was his job to man up and apologize. Brian, evidently, didn’t like that advice. Which meant Becky got a steady dose of Kendra in her home.
But just because Kendra irritated Becky like a rash, didn’t mean she was wrong. “Maybe you should talk to him.” Her mother-in-law had dug in, not budging. So far, the standoff had lasted ten days. Pricilla had even cancelled the barbeque, which was telling. That woman loved a party. But the family was too fractured to even pretend unity.
Pricilla shook her head. “He wants to talk to me, he can come over here. Pam and I are waiting for an apology.”
Kendra shot a helpless gaze at Becky. “This can’t go on. Aren’t you guys cramped living in this house?”
“We manage.” She didn’t mind; she’d loved the family feeling and Sophie was thriving. They’d moved the double bed into the third bedroom that used to be Logan’s office.
Pricilla smiled at Becky then said, “Kendra, I know you’re trying to help, but this is between me and my husband.”
Kendra sighed. “You’re right. That’s exactly what I told Brian, but he keeps finding reasons to send me over here and try to talk to you and Pam into coming home.” She shook her head. “My dad’s the same way. Their pride prevents them from saying sorry, you know?”
“I’ve always made the first move and gone the extra mile, but he crossed the line saying Pam acted like a whore. If I don’t stand up for my daughter now, then I’d hate myself forever.” Pricilla stirred her cup of coffee.
Becky was trying to think of the least offensive way to tell Kendra it was time to go when the front door opened, spilling in Logan and a bubbling Pam. “Mom, you have to see the new horse! She’s gorgeous. Logan and I worked with… Oh, hi Kendra.”
Logan put his hands on Becky’s shoulders. “After we get your allergy shot today, you can ride her if you like. She’s gentle.”
“You’ll love her, Becky.” Pam practically danced.
Becky couldn’t help but smile. Logan was taking Pam with him to work on his camp and Pam absorbed the attention. “I can’t wait.”
“Come on, Becky, we need to get to your appointment.” Logan leaned down to the baby. “Are you coming with us, half pint?”
Sophie held out her arms.
Logan laughed and lifted her high over his head, making her giggle.
“You won’t be laughing when she throws up on you,” Becky said as she grabbed her purse and the diaper bag. “We’ll walk you out, Kendra.”
“I’m going to stay a few more minutes.”
She hesitated, trying to think of a polite way to tell her to get out and leave them alone.
“It’s fine, let’s go.” Logan held the door for Becky.
Once they were in the truck, she blurted, “Don’t you think it’s odd that Kendra is so involved in this fight between your dad and Pricilla?”
He glanced over, surprise etching into his face. “You’re mad?”
“Not mad. Just tired of her being underfoot. She makes me uneasy. Kendra didn’t need to stay there when we left.” Becky had been trying to steer her out. “It’s not her family.”
“She’s there for Pricilla, not me. Don’t let her get to you.”
Frustrated, she shut up, but all she could think about was that Logan’s birthday was just weeks away—the deadline on their marriage. Would Logan want Becky and Sophie to stay?
He took her hand. “Let’s take advantage of our live-in babysitters and go out tonight.”
He was changing the subject, but they could both use a night out. “Sure, where?”
“I rented a suite at a hotel. How does room service and champagne in a hot tub sound?”
“You already planned it?” Hope surged in her; this wasn’t just to appease her. Maybe he wanted to talk about their future.
“Oh, I have plans…” Logan shot her a sinful grin. “…to keep you naked, well fed, and sexually satisfied until we are forced to return to my house crammed full of people.”
“Will you be naked, too?”
“And hard.”
She lifted her chin. “A naked and hard cowboy, hmm, that has real possibilities.”
Logan’s phone rang. He glanced at the number, then he answered it through the truck’s Bluetooth. “Adam, what’s up?”
A deep voice replied. “I need you in Houston. A laboratory there had a security breech, we’ve been hired to find it and you’re closest.”
“I’m on leave.”
The man drew a deep breath. “We’re all putting in twelve-hour days. This is a quick job, twenty-four to thirty-six hours max.”
Logan looked over at her. “I’m sort of involved in something.”
“Aside from the camp?” Adam’s voice lost the irritated distraction.
“Yes.”
Her stomach plunged as she realized he wasn’t going to tell Adam about her. Why? Was she some kind of dirty little secret?
“Is it so important that you can’t get away for a day or two?”
Logan’s hesitation filled the cab.
Becky put her hand on his arm. “Go,” she mouthed.
“I’ll do it. Send the intel. I’ll go over it when I get home.”
“Sienna has booked your flight, you leave tonight.” The call disconnected.
“That was your boss?” She stared out the windshield as Logan pulled in and parked in front of the medical building.
“Yes, Adam Waters. Sienna Lorrey is his administrative assistant.”
“They don’t know we’re married?”
He looked over at her. “Not their business.”
“But they know about the camp.”
He frowned at her. “Yes. That’s not the same thing. Look, if you don’t want me to go, I’ll call him back.”
The camp was his true passion and he’d been straight up honest with her about it. “No, it’s fine.” Her insecurity was dragging her right back into being the woman she didn’t want to be. She couldn’t make Logan love her and want to tell people about her. Or support her when she wanted Kendra out of her house. She reached for the door.
Logan caught her hand. “While I’m gone, stay close to home. Dylan’s still out there.”
“He hasn’t done anything since the tire incident.” Focusing on that was easier than thinking about their relationship. “Once he found out I was married to you, he backed off.”
“Don’t take chances.” His eyes softened. “I’m sorry about tonight. I really wanted to spend time alone with you. We’ll do it when I get back.”