When I came to New York thirteen years earlier, I’d had ambition and seven hundred and forty-nine dollars to my name. My mother had tried to give me the last of what she had—a hundred forty dollars and some collector’s coins—but I wouldn’t take it. So by New York standards, I had nothing, which was easy to turn into three simple words years later from the back seat of a Porsche Cayenne.

I never glorified the first year. It sucked. They locked dumpsters at night. That was my biggest hardship. Locked dumpsters. Second only to not having money to take care of Lance.

Grappling for survival wears on a guy. It becomes the brain’s primary function. I don’t know how long it takes the average person before survival starts overriding more entertaining affairs, like the love of your life or happiness. In movies, soldiers are always in the trenches, looking at pictures of their girlfriends. I’d kept a picture of Catherine in my pocket. It turned into a ball the size of an aspirin when I woke up in a puddle.

Her picture was gone, but my one singular goal did not change.

Money.

I cut flowers in the backs of grocery stores. Worked construction. Learned to speak Spanish so I could get leads on new jobs. Finally I could afford a bike so I could courier documents and building plans.

Then Brian Cober’s dog bit Lance’s tail. The Brian Cober of Cober Trading Associates. Meanwhile, I couldn’t afford a vet. I had no power. No leverage. Nothing. I was in that dog run every morning to develop a relationship with him, not to get into a conflict. Everyone on the Street knew Cober was a cold-eyed shark who hated to lose. What they didn’t know, and I came to learn, was that he had guilt where his conscience should have been.

A conscience is a guide for living. Guilt can be bought off for a few bucks. Cober paid the vet bills and had me come in to try for a job as a runner on the floor of the Exchange. The interview was his payment. I was eager and humble. I got the job because that room and I were a match made in heaven. It reeked of what I wanted most.

Yes. Money.

I’d needed it to go back to Catherine. A lot of it. More than I could acquire without selling her memory. Earl Barrington money.

That had been thirteen years ago. Though the memory of her had faded into colorless snapshots taken by an innocent boy who no longer existed, the hunger for money hadn’t.

Years after I stopped writing her letters, she became the girl I dreamed about sometimes. Or remembered when I caught the scent of roses from a flower cart. I wondered about her from my box at the US Open, when the pop-popping of tennis balls brought Doverton back to me.

I checked her address when I bought my co-op on Central Park South, and again when I bought the place in the Le Marais.

She still lived in the Barrington mansion, and she still had the same name.

I checked once before I married Lucia, my future wife’s lipstick still smeared on my cock under my tux.

Why didn’t I call her? Why just send one last envelope with a check inside a card? Why not pick up the phone?

I told myself she didn’t want me, but the fact was, I was greedy. I was shallow. I was a shell of a man. I was a robot working eighty hours a week because… foreign markets, and money, money, money.

Which was about to change.

Ten years after his dog bit mine in the park, Brian knew it and I knew it.

The quants had gotten it wrong. The algo had found a trend and labeled it an outlier. I’d been outmaneuvered, and I was about to be the manager of an empty shell of a hedge fund.

A hedge fund’s only capital was its reputation, and ours had taken a beating. It would take years to claw back to the top. I didn’t know if I had it in me anymore.

Nella, my hipster dog walker from Brooklyn, called as I was assessing my nonexistent options. “Mr. Carmichael?”

“What?” I was annoyed. I’d hired her so I didn’t have to be bothered while I was working, and there she was…

“Lance doesn’t look good. He won’t get up.”

“What do you mean he won’t get up?”

“He’s awake, but he can’t move. I think he needs to go to the vet.”

By the time I got back to my co-op, it was too late.

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In Barrington, the factory town where I grew up, when your dog died on the couch, you got your friends up to Wild Horse Hill and you all buried the body. But what did you do in New York City?

You sat on the arm of the sofa. You watched his body’s stillness pour over the upholstery like a stain, covering the cushions, the furniture, the floor, and you, bruising the space with death and rigidity. It soaked everything. Color. Air. Muscle. Spirit. Emotion. The grip of the present seized time and perception, as the tunnels of future and past twisted closed and stranded me inside a hard candy shell.

And then I snapped out of it.

Past and future opened and I saw my life with new clarity. I put my hand on Lance’s fur and knew he wasn’t there.

“Good travels for a good boy.”

I was alone.

I covered him with a cashmere throw and called the vet, who arranged for someone to come for him.

Grief wasn’t a stranger. I’d lost my mother a few years earlier. My sadness then had been mitigated by the fact that in her last years, I’d been able to give her the life she’d always deserved. But Lance? Why did that sting more? Why did I feel as though he’d taken my identity with him?

My phone buzzed. It was one of the quants. I didn’t want to talk about failed arbitrage timing.

Then Brian buzzed. He’d want to talk about survival strategies.

I’d bought this co-op because there was a dog run around the corner.

A text from Nella. Barron’s wanted an interview. They’d photograph me in soft focus and pretend to have sympathy for my bad bets.

Ignoring all of it, I called Lucia.

“I heard, darling,” she said with an Italian accent I used to enjoy. “I’m so sorry.”

God, six words in and I could tell what a mistake this call was. She was talking about the fund crashing, and she had my money on her mind.

“Don’t worry about your payments,” I said. “They’re in a separate fund.”

“I’m not worried. You’re a good man.”

By “good man,” she meant I took care of business. She meant I was responsible. But it was too close to “good boy” and Lance’s body was still on my couch, an inflexible mass under a cashmere blanket.

I went into my home office. It was far away from the living room and it was all hard lines and impersonal touches.

“Christopher? Are you there?”

In the last five years, she was the only person I’d been close to, but she didn’t need to know this. No one needed to know. As soon as people knew, it became real. But there it was. In the tension between my foolish need to tell someone and a more foolish need to pretend my best friend was still in the house, I said it.

“Lance died.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, Christopher.”

“Yeah. Bad week.” An old checkbook sat on the spotless glass top of my desk. I flipped the pages of carbons absently.

“Will you have a service?” Lucia asked. “You can have something at the armory. Everyone will come.”

She’d come because it would be a social event, and I’d already heard she was interviewing rich men for my old position. In normal circles, this was called “dating.” I’d learned her priorities too late, and as much as they were my priorities, they disgusted me.

Money.

Maybe the fact that we shared a mutual love of money for its own sake was why I’d been suddenly repelled by her.

“No service. Not here. I just…” I just wanted to get her off the phone. “You lived with him for years. I thought you might want to know.”

“Well, thank you for telling me. Will you be at the gala tonight?”

“No. Someone just came in. I have to go.”

We hung up. No one had come in, of course. I lived alone.

I started a text message…

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…then stopped.

I had nothing, which meant nothing was holding me here. New York was fine, but it wasn’t home. Both Lance and I were from a little town one hundred twenty miles outside of nowhere.

Lance… my last connection to Barrington was gone. Had a lifeline been cut? Or an umbilical cord I didn’t need?

I’d been one kind of boy and another kind of man. I had been poor then and was disgraced now. The connections had atrophied a long time ago.

But that wasn’t true. Lance had tethered me to the boy I’d been and to the woman I’d loved. With him gone, was I still linked? Or was I stranded with no family, no attachments, no one to hurt if things went south? Loneliness hung off my ribs like a lantern. This co-op. My properties. The portfolio. Built before I’d met my ex-wife, to offer security to a woman who didn’t want me, and crashing with nothing to hold it up.

I needed time to sort it out but gave myself none.

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I tapped out an email quickly but didn’t send it. Then I spent ten minutes looking for pen and paper.

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