Shelley
You know how they say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle in life?
Well, fuck that, and if anyone says it to my face, then ‘do no harm’ rules or not, I’ll throat punch them and magic their mouth shut. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, my pregnancy gets accelerated during my turning into a vampire and a couple of days later I go into labour at my best friend’s wedding.
One minute I was moaning about having to wear the equivalent of a marquee—I mean my dress looked big enough to hold the wedding reception underneath it, glamorous I was not—the next my best friend ran in front of us in wolf mode having become a were and then she forgot herself and changed back, appearing starkers in front of everyone. It was hilarious. Well, until I thought I’d peed myself and then she got the last laugh by pointing out my waters had broken.
Then do you know what she did?
Left me to go boink her new husband.
Yes, her mother-in-law came to help, and yes my own husband was there, but what sort of bestie did that? Then again, her husband had also had a period of nakedness until someone passed him a robe and, well, I could see why she was distracted. Plus, she just escaped having to marry a madman.
Still. I was having a baby.
“Oh my God, I’m having a baby.”
“Not now!” Yelled Theo. “It’s not coming now is it? Only I’m waiting for the taxi to come to take us home.”
I’d decided on a home birth. I had a midwife at the Caves where I’d been turned who would come to make sure everything went to plan.
“Theo.” I shouted at my husband who was running around the wedding reception like some kind of demented rooster, his head darting about as he questioned other guests. I watched as he collected unused napkins from every table.
“Theo!” I yelled louder, even though I knew with his vampire hearing he could hear me anyway.
He ran over.
“What are you doing?”
He pushed his dark hair back off his face. “They say towels and hot water don’t they? There aren’t any towels but there are napkins. I can grab a bottle of Evian too.”
Staring at him I rolled my eyes. “I’m not giving birth to a frikkin Barbie Doll. There’s a large melon coming out. The napkins will only be any use for you to wipe your sweating brow on if you don’t get a grip. Now, Theo. What is wrong with the fact you have ordered a taxi?”
He paused for a moment. “Erm, early hours of Saturday morning it costs double and there is a lack of available cabs?”
I went to grab my temple in frustration from his idiocy, but a contraction chose that moment to decide to sweep over me.
“Holy fucking Christ.” I took some deep breaths.
For crying out loud. I’d only had my last period pains a couple of months ago, then the pain of the turning this week, and now I was having these agonising labour pains.
I felt a hand stroking down my arm. “Breathe, darling. It’s okay. Just a little pain.”
God I would put laxatives in his O-neg when I’d had this child.
“Theo. I’ll see you at home. You take the cab if you want. Idiot.” I whizzed off. How do you forget you can travel at high speed? That was the first indication of the escalating panic levels of one Theodore Robert Landry.
“You alright, lovey?” My mother-in-law followed me into the living room.
“I’m in labour, Mary. Just need to phone Janice at the clinic and get her here.”
“Oh, I’ll do that for you. You get laid down on the sofa. Oooh, how exciting, my first grandchild is coming.” Mary went to pick up the phone and her hand passed through it. “Ooops, I think I expended too much energy watching Magic Mike this afternoon on DVD. I was trying to perfect that ‘Pony’ dance like his soon-to-be-ex-wife did. You know, just in case Channing’s looking for a new woman.”
Mary was a ghost, having been drained by Theo when he was first turned. It was a subject we tried not to dwell on. We therefore had a ghost perpetually in her late-thirties living with us and she’d just begun realising the freedoms that came from not living in the early 1900’s.
“Go rest, Mary, because I will need you later.”
“To care for the baby? I’m great with them. I was a natural with Theo you know? One reason my ghost heart was heavy when I realised he’d killed me.”
Theo whizzed in at that moment, banging his head on the door frame, then laying sprawled across the living room floor. “Yes, to care for the baby.” I replied. “The one right there.” I kicked him with my shoe and he groaned so I figured he was still conscious.
Picking up my mobile phone I called the clinic, and once I knew Janice was on her way, I sat back, resting on the sofa for a while and breathing through a few contractions. Theo sat at the side of me and as I noted the look of worry on his face, my mood just calmed. The guy loved me, he loved our baby, and he wanted us to be safe and well.
I took his hand in mine. “I love you, Theo Landry.”
“I love you too, Mrs Theo Landry.”
“What have I told you about that old-fashioned crap?”
“I’m 127. Bite me.”
That made me giggle. Looked like I was teaching Theo a thing or two about sass.
“Sorry, I’ve been moody. I’m just a little scared. I’ve not had a baby before.”
“Don’t worry, I’m used to your moods.” He patted my arm. “And this is about my hundredth baby.”
I shot back away from him. “What the what now?”
“This.” He pointed at my stomach. “I think.” He nodded his head. “Yes, I’m almost positive this is about the hundredth birth.”
My jaw went tight. “You. Have. Had. One. Hundred. Children?”
“Well, not me personally. The mother’s obviously. Oh you do crack me up.”
“And where are all these offspring?” I was going to drain the bastard in a minute. Not once had he mentioned previously having children.
“Offspring?” Theo’s brow creased. “They’re not my offspring. They are the babies I delivered while I was an Obstetrician in the 1960’s.”
I took a deep breath.
“Of course medicine was a lot different then, but still I shall offer my expertise to Janice.”
As my next contraction hit I used my vampire strength to its full capacity to crush his fingers hard. “Or maybe you could just be quiet and let me get on with the childbirth, my loving husband?”
“Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.” He extracted his fingers as I let go. “I thought you were sorry for being mean?”
Tilting my head, I smiled at him, possibly reminiscent of the Joker in Batman. “I’m trying, but it’s the hormones.”
The doorbell rang. “Ah, I shall go get that. It will be the midwife.” He rushed off, still stretching out his recently crushed fingers.
Janice poked her head around the door. She was a small woman with a dark-brown bob, and she wore glasses. “How are you doing there?”
Theo walked past her and sat back down beside me on the sofa. “Well, my head is hurting from hitting the door frame earlier, and my fingers are hurting from where Shelley crushed them, but other than that, I’m doing okay.”
“She meant me, douche canoe.” I yelled as yet another contraction hit.
Janice smiled at me with a bemused look. “Gotta love the husbands. Now, don’t worry, Theo, we’re a team and we’re going to get that baby out safely. How far apart are the contractions, Shelley?”
“Every three minutes.”
“Right, let’s get you upstairs onto the bed and get everything prepared. You doing this without pain relief?”
“Well, that was the plan, but I might yet throw him out.” I glared at my husband.
“She’s going to use magic just before the birth to assist our daughter on her way. Her mother helped her to construct a spell.”
“Oh yes, we have that on the birth plan. Okay, Theo, why don’t you get your wife a glass of water? I’ll take a tea, and then you get whatever you need.”
“Common sense.” I mumbled under my breath.
“I can hear you.” Theo said. “Excuse me, Janice. Could I have a little word with you outside?”
She looked at me, cocking an eyebrow, and then turned to Theo. “Sure, sweetheart. Only a minute though, I need to concentrate on your wife. Shelley, can you change into this gown for me while we’re gone?”
“Sure.” I said as she followed him outside.
Theo took care to make sure I couldn’t hear despite my vampire hearing. It was a shame for him that he appeared to have forgotten I was part-witch. I made a hand swipe motion and a vision of Theo talking to the midwife appeared in front of me.
“Could you please phone an exorcist? I have the means to pay for one to travel here expeditiously.”
Janice leaned in closer to him. “You’ve lost me, Theo. Why do we need an exorcist?”
He gestured to the room. “Well, clearly, Shelley has been possessed. We were out at a wedding when she went into labour. I didn’t know all of the guests. One of them must have been an evil entity as Shelley has most definitely been taken over by something malevolent. I was an obstetrician for a while and never did I come across such evil.”
“Your wife is acting perfectly normal for someone in childbirth.”
His eyes widened.
“She is?”
“Yes, so shall we get back up to her before she begins to give birth without us and then you’ll really know what evil looks like.” She placed a hand on his arm. “Stay calm, focus on your wife and baby, and soon this will all be over and you’ll have your baby girl.”
“And then my wife will be back to her nicer self.”
“With sleep deprivation and sore nipples?” Janice cackled with laughter. “Oh, Theo. You’ve a lot to learn for someone so old.”
I wiped the vision away and quickly changed into my gown before stroking at my stomach. “Hey there, baby girl. Not long now and you’re gonna be here.”
Then an almighty wave of pain spliced across my stomach. I felt like I was being sliced in two. My breath came in short gasps and I knew there wasn’t much further to go. As the pain receded, I said a few magic enchantments. A haze came over the bottom half of my body and when the next pain came, it was considerably lessened.
I laid back, pulled my knees up and pushed.
“Oh my God, she’s crowning.” Janice rushed back to my side. “Theo. Business end.”
I closed my eyes and pushed once more.
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.”
My daughter was checked quickly and then placed into my arms.
“Theo. Will you get that little baby hat from the top drawer? I don’t want her to lose any heat from her head.”
Theo brought the cute little hat over and placed it on our daughter’s head. He reached down and kissed my forehead and then ran a finger over our baby girl’s cheek.
“Well done, Mummy.” Janice said. “And congratulations, Daddy. All normal checks have been carried out. Obviously, given her heritage, it’s hard to know what to expect from her in the future, but she seems just fine.”
Then our daughter opened her eyes. “Oh look, Theo. She has the normal blue eyes that a human baby has.
“Hello, Charlene. I’m your mummy and this is your daddy.”
Charlene blinked. Her eyes went red and then she blinked again and green reptilian eyes stared at me. “Oh my God,” I squealed.
Thank God for vampire speed, otherwise my newborn daughter would have been on the floor.
“I thought you had to be given your sea powers?” Theo frowned. “Your dad passed yours onto you.”
I swear to God our daughter gave a little smile.
“That looks like a smile, but it’s actually wind.” Janice said. I wasn’t convinced.
“Theo, I’ve got a feeling our daughter will be very unique.” I stared at her. “Right, baby?”