This would be a whole lot easier if I were still the same selfish girl you met in Dustwalk.
I’d said that to Jin about another choice, on another day. Or maybe it was really about the same choice. Because I’d made this choice so many times before without knowing it. A hundred small choices on the road that had led me to this one, this final choice. Between what I wanted and what I ought to do. Between myself and my country.
When I’d chosen not to flee Fahali, to save my own skin. When I’d chosen not to let Jin die in the desert after the Nightmare bite. When I’d chosen to face down Noorsham. When I’d chosen to let Shira die. And to let Hala die. And let Sam die. And when I’d chosen to free Zaahir.
It was a choice between what I wanted to do and what I needed to do.
‘Amani.’ Ahmed spoke, glancing around the vaults, confused. ‘What’s happening?’ But Jin never took his eyes off me.
‘It is your choice, daughter of Bahadur,’ one of the Djinn said, ‘which one dies today. Or don’t choose and they both die.’
A faraway part of me knew I ought to beg and plead, to rail against fate and the whole world for bringing me here. Against the Djinn, who made humanity and then played with us like this, with their deals and their tricks that they called justice. Who were taking more from me than I ever had from them.
But I didn’t. I didn’t rage or cry as I watched Ahmed’s mouth forming words I couldn’t hear. As I saw Jin standing perfectly, impossibly still, eyes closed as the understanding of what was happening, and the pain of it, struck him. I was standing in the same stone vaults, but I was far away.
Suddenly I was standing in a crowded barn on the other side of the desert all over again. One bullet left. Two bottles. Both – I needed both of them alive. But I couldn’t cheat my way out of this one.
It was an easy choice, really. Even if it was the hardest choice I’d ever have to make. Because I wasn’t that selfish girl any more.
Ahmed was shouting something, I realised. I forced myself to focus on him, to hear him from somewhere far beyond the roaring in my mind. He was telling me to take Jin and get out.
To let him die.
Jin wasn’t saying anything. He knew me. I didn’t take my eyes off Jin as I spoke. And though my voice was barely more than a whisper, I heard it echo around the vaults. ‘Let Ahmed go,’ I said.
Jin let out the breath he’d been holding. Like it was a relief.
‘No!’ Ahmed’s voice ripped from his throat. ‘Amani.’ He was on me, his hands tight around my arms. ‘Don’t do this. It’s not worth it, there are other ways—’
‘Ahmed.’ His name came out more prayer than plea. ‘It’s done.’ The tears were coming hard and fast now, streaking down my face.
Ahmed looked shocked, his hands digging into my arms. ‘But you love him,’ he said softly. ‘You love him, and you should save him. That’s what people do with those they love, Amani – they save them.’
No, it wasn’t. Sam had taught me that. Great love stories ended in death. All stories ended in death sooner or later. Ours was ending sooner.
I could feel grief hammering at me now, like waves against a ship. Like the sandstorm tearing at the walls of the camp. ‘I’m making the choice he would have made.’ The words wouldn’t come any more. ‘The choice we all made. That we would die for you.’
‘Ahmed.’ Jin still couldn’t move, but he found his voice. ‘I would always have died protecting you. You must know that.’
Ahmed’s chest rose and fell like he was trying to catch his breath. He moved over to Jin shakily. He placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘I would’ve died for you, brother. In a heartbeat.’
‘I know,’ Jin said. ‘But you’re not going to.’ And then he embraced him. They gripped each other like they were still young boys, like they could pour every bit of strength and life they had into each other. ‘Go do something worth dying for,’ Jin said, releasing him.
The red-eyed Djinni raised his arms.
I saw the rising panic in Ahmed as he scrambled for everything he wanted to say to his brother. ‘Jin—’ He stepped forward urgently just as the Djinni brought his arms down. And just like that, Ahmed was gone, air rushing in to fill the space where he’d been. Jin’s shoulders sagged, the strength leaving him, everything he’d been holding on to for Ahmed’s sake fleeing him.
His eyes landed on me.
I closed the distance between us, Jin pulling me close to him as soon as I was within reach, until every single part of us was pressed together and I felt whatever strength I had left leave me, too.
‘I’m sorry.’ The words came out a sob into his shirt as he tightened his arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I’m sorry, too.’ He spoke into my hair, pressing his mouth close to my ear. ‘I promised to teach you how to swim. I don’t like breaking my promises.’
The laugh that came out of me was short and ugly through the sobs. But I saw Jin smile as he tilted my head back up towards him, his thumbs wiping away the tears. He smiled faintly. I knew what he was thinking. I had some saltwater in my soul after all. ‘You should go,’ he said. You shouldn’t have to watch this.
‘No.’ I’m not going to let you die alone.
He pulled me suddenly, violently forwards. There was no gentleness in that kiss. Nothing but desperation and anger and fear. Knowing it was our last.
‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’ I wasn’t sure which one of us was saying which words. Pressing them hard against each other’s mouths in the last moment we had left. I could feel tears streaming down my face. I could taste blood.
We were ripped apart. Not by hands, but by air. By a power greater than us. And I was staring at him, suddenly dragged far away from me. I watched him through tears. A blade appeared out of nowhere. It wasn’t made of iron, I realised. It was made of sand – a sharpened blade made from the desert itself. The Djinni holding it was Bahadur.
My father gazed at me with ancient, pitiless eyes. ‘You don’t have to watch this, daughter. We can send you far away.’
‘I’m staying,’ I said, never taking my eyes off Jin, trying to drink him in until the very last second. ‘Until the end.’
And then my father plunged the knife through Jin’s stomach, driving it in to the hilt. And I felt my own insides rip open.