CHAPTER FIVE
Warm. She was warm. All the way down to her bones. And relaxed.
Jenny pondered it.
Nope. She didn’t think she’d ever been this relaxed.
In her entire life.
She didn’t move. She lay there and enjoyed the unfamiliar sensation of everything being…perfect.
Soft and warm and perfect.
Apart from the solid chest under her cheek. That wasn’t soft. The T-shirt fabric was, sure, but the body underneath? Mmm. Solid, hard muscle. And beneath that, a strong, steady heartbeat, pounding into the hollow of her palm.
Jenny’s eyes popped open.
She was lying on someone.
All that beautiful relaxation was blasted clean out of her and every nerve snapped to painful, quivering awareness.
The large frame beneath her didn’t move. Good. He was still asleep.
Because it was, without question, a man in bed with her.
The only person Jenny had had in her bed in the last three years was Kate, and as her daughter was all grown-up (she said) at five years of age, those occasions were restricted to scary thunderstorms, nightmares, and stomachaches.
Kate…
No, it was all right. Kate was at Elle’s. Thank God for small mercies. Kate wasn’t going to bounce in with her usual Saturday morning ebullience and find her mother lolling around in bed with a strange man.
Even as she thought it, Jenny knew that she wasn’t with a strange man at all. No way would she ever relax around a stranger. No way would she fall asleep in any man’s presence, unless she felt safe enough to let down her guard.
There was only one man on the planet who made her feel safe enough for that.
Derek.
What had she done?
Jenny squeezed her eyes tight.
She’d asked him to stay. She hadn’t come out and said it, but she hadn’t let him leave, either.
He’d driven her home, they’d had pizza, he’d carried her to bed…and when he’d tried to leave, like the gentleman he was, she’d refused to let him go.
He’d settled her in the bed then taken off his boots and climbed on beside her. He could have stripped them both naked and climbed on top of her, and Jenny wouldn’t have had the strength of will to resist him. But he didn’t. He hadn’t. Instead, he’d gotten comfy against the pillows, stayed on top of the covers, and dragged her into his arms.
She’d relished his hold for maybe half a minute before she fell asleep. And now, here she was. Plastered against him, her head tucked into his shoulder, with one possessive hand laid on his chest. Right over his heart.
His strong, steady heart that was not for the likes of her.
A heart that had, she registered, increased in speed.
He was awake.
Shit. What was she going to do? Shit.
She had to do something, say something, because otherwise he was going to kiss her, and then she’d be lost. With a lurch of self-loathing, Jenny knew what she had to do to shut this down.
To shut him down. For good.
But, oh, she’d didn’t want to do it.
Hating herself, Jenny slid her hand over his chest, lower, and wrapped an arm around Derek’s lean waist. She pulled him in closer as she tipped her head back and kissed the base of his throat. “Mmm,” she said. “Gabe. I didn’t hear you come in.”
Derek had been still beneath her all this time, but at Gabe’s name, somehow, he went even more still. Every muscle locked tight.
You’ve done it now, girl. Sell it.
Ignoring the panic that began to rise as her lizard brain screamed at her, danger-danger-danger, Jenny nipped at his throat again. To her surprise, Derek let her. She pressed a light kiss at the corner of his mouth.
Wasn’t he going to say something? Stop her?
His jaw tensed, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he turned his head a fraction toward her.
Jenny’s lips parted and she took in a soft breath, shifting against him.
Don’t do it. Don’t kiss him. She was supposed to be pushing him away, tearing down her dreams once and for all.
Her lower lip grazed his. Her pulse went crazy.
And still he didn’t move.
It wasn’t going to work if Derek didn’t do what she was counting on him to do: be hurt that she’d mistaken him for another man. Be disappointed in her. Be angry that she’d asked him to stay when she was involved with someone else.
Derek. Don’t let me kiss you.
He didn’t stop her. He was going to let her kiss him after all, wasn’t he?
Bluff called, Jenny drew back.
She didn’t get far.
Moving so fast it startled a gasp out of her, Derek whipped a hand around the nape of her neck and his fingers dug in. Hard. Not painful, not quite, but he wasn’t going easy, either.
“Jenny,” he said in a rough growl. “Open your eyes.”
Jenny shook her head. She couldn’t. She couldn’t.
His thumb swept along her jaw, brushed over her trembling mouth. “Open your eyes,” he said again, lower.
Jenny braced against his chest and pushed up to her forearms. She blinked down at him. “Derek?” she said, trying to sound surprised. “What are you—?”
“Quiet.”
“But I—”
He gave a single, sharp shake of his head.
Jenny was quiet. Derek’s gaze moved over her face and, damn it, her mouth trembled again. Full-on lip quiver.
His fingers at her nape flexed. “Gabe?” he said. “Gabe Sterling? Are you kidding me?”
“No, I—”
“Quiet.”
Jenny reached back and tugged at his wrist. “Make up your mind. You asked me a questi—”
Her words cut off as Derek rolled into her, catching both of her wrists in his hands and holding them beside her head.
“Derek—”
He didn’t have to tell her to be quiet again. All he did was stretch his hard body out over hers, and Jenny snapped her mouth shut. They stared at each other.
Derek broke the silence. “Want to tell me why you wake up with a man in your bed and you think it’s Gabe Sterling?”
“Not particularly.”
His dark blue eyes bored into hers.
Okay. She’d guessed that Derek would be angry. She’d counted on it. But she’d also expected him to be more hurt-angry and less…furious-angry.
“Can’t you connect the dots?” she asked. She really didn’t want to say it out loud now. Not to this Derek. To last night’s Derek, yes. This Derek? No.
“Humor me,” he gritted out.
“I’m sort of seeing him.” Ugh. She was going to hell. And somewhere in a penthouse in San Francisco where Gabe lived, the poor man probably just got hit with a queasy feeling of horror, like a perverted goose had walked over his grave.
“How ‘sort of’ are we talking here?” Derek snapped. “You two dating?”
“God, no. I don’t date. It’s a hookup.”
Nope. Wrong thing to say. Way wrong. Derek dropped more of his weight onto her. “You’re sleeping with him?”
Jenny bit her lip, gave a little shrug, and nodded.
“Since when? How long?”
“It’s none of your business, Derek.”
“No? Sure feels like my business. I’m the man lying between your thighs.”
Come on, Jenny. You can do this. Be a bitch. It’s for your own good. For his. She tipped up her chin. “You’re not there by invitation.”
Derek made a noise of frustration. “You kissed me.”
“I thought you were Gabe.” Sorry, Gabe.
“You went to bed with me.”
“I fell asleep with you. I was half-asleep still when I thought you were Gabe. He has… I gave him a key.” Good one. “I gave him a key, and when he’s in town he drops by.”
“What about Kate?”
Her eyes narrowed. A pulse of anger beat through her. “Do not even go there, Derek.”
“Too late. I’m there. What about Kate? What does she think about your hookup using your bathroom in the morning, drinking your coffee, eating breakfast at your table?”
Jenny struggled, heaving against him. He didn’t budge. “She doesn’t think anything. She doesn’t know. That’s why I gave him a key, dumbass.”
“Sterling sneaks in, gets some, sneaks out? That’s how it works?”
“Yes! That’s how it works! And it works perfectly!” She thrashed under him. “It’s the perfect solution!”
“Stop moving, Jen.” He tightened his grip. “Quit it.”
“No. I’m angry.”
Derek cracked a short, disbelieving laugh. “What the hell do you have to be angry about?”
“You! I’m angry at you. How dare you bring Kate into this? I’m a good mother. I’d never expose her to my sex life. It’s the whole point of this stupid thing with Gabe. I can’t bring another man into her life. I won’t risk her happiness.”
Derek’s expression softened but Jenny couldn’t slow down, couldn’t seem to catch her breath or get the words out fast enough.
“She’s just a little girl, Derek. She’s got so much love to give, and no defenses whatsoever because she doesn’t know how utterly shit life can be.” Jenny shoved against him. “She’ll find out soon enough, I can’t protect her forever, but not yet. Not yet. I can’t call myself a good mother if I stand by and let her get attached, let her offer all that love to someone who doesn’t care. She matters, and I can’t…I can’t have a man walk away from her again. Not like Dean did. He just left us. He left us, and I won’t let anyone else ever do that to her. I won’t.”
“Shh.” Derek released her wrists.
“You have to understand, I—”
“Shh.”
Jenny fisted his T-shirt, holding on. “Stop shushing me! I won’t be quiet, and I won’t shush.”
“It’s okay. Jen, it’s okay.” Derek eased off her and rolled to his side, curling her into him.
Jenny fought free of the covers, kicking them down to her feet, and tangled her legs with his. Her arms went around him as his locked tight around her waist.
She burrowed against him, tucking her head into his neck.
Derek stroked her hair in long, soothing sweeps. The room, which had been filled with their raised voices and her anxious, ragged panting, fell quiet. He continued to stroke her until she stopped shaking and the storm of frustration and panic that had slammed into her without warning blew itself out.
“I can’t do this with you, Derek,” she said eventually. “I… I can’t.”
“I know, baby.”
She continued, whispering into the heat of his throat, “I had a shit childhood. You must know. You were there. Then I went ahead and screwed up my adulthood. I chose the wrong guy. Now Kate has a shit father, like mine. I can’t fix that. But I am not going to be a shit mom, like mine. What I want, Derek, does not matter. Kate does. I’m sorry if you thought we could be more, but we can’t. I’m seeing Gabe. It’s on the quiet. No one knows. No one can ever know, not even Elle. It’s nothing important. It’s barely even real, it’s a…a hookup.”
Derek sighed, and pushed her gently to her back as he sat up.
Jenny’s arms spasmed around him and she had to make herself let go. She scrambled against the pillows as Derek moved to the edge of the mattress. He rubbed his hands hard over his face, then stood and grabbed his boots. He stamped them on one after the other, and turned to her.
“You’re worth more than a hookup, Jen. I get that you’re protecting Kate. I respect it. But you matter, too. Your happiness matters.”
She gave a wry half-smile and shrugged.
He watched her, face unreadable. “Does Sterling make you happy?”
“Gabe’s important to me. I like him a lot.” Not a lie. Perhaps that’s why Derek seemed to believe her.
He came to the head of the bed. Slowly, holding her gaze, he reached out and took her chin in a gentle grip, tilting up her face, like he’d done in the bar last night.
Except now, he wasn’t smiling.
It wasn’t dark and crowded.
It was the two of them, in her sun-filled bedroom, and there was nowhere to hide. Jenny tried not to lean into his touch but she wasn’t entirely successful.
His eyes sharpened as he studied her. He made a small noise in his throat and some of his frustration cleared. One of his dimples flashed in his cheek, there and gone.
What? It was all she had time to think before her wits scattered again. He bent his head. A hair’s breadth away from making contact, he stopped, hovering above her lips.
“I won’t kiss you,” he said, words vibrating over her skin. “Not even goodbye. Your kisses belong to another man right now, and I don’t share. But, Jen? If I find out you’re free again, fair warning. I won’t mess around. And I won’t let you mess me around, either. Tell me you understand. Tell me you get what I’m saying to you.”
“I get it. We’re done.” She clenched her fists.
“No, honey.” He shook his head. “Next time, you’re mine.”