No more thinking. A month passes faster than I ever imagined it could.

John and I settle into a routine fairly quickly. He’s not my patient, but he lets me guide him through yoga every morning. His jaw clenches when an Amazon delivery with six sets of sweats, a 12-pack of boxer briefs, a bunch of weights, resistance bands, and a small all-in-one gym arrives. But I often come home to find the workout mix I made him blasting rap on his Beats headphones, while he lifts more weight than recommended.

Cooking is new, but he’s taken over my kitchen, making recipes we both like and adding meat at the end to his plate. He’s not the first meat-eater I’ve been with, but he is the most respectful. Never mixing it in the same pans or making recipes with chicken broth, or any of the other million things that can come between couples on opposite sides of the vegan line.

Which makes the fact that he’s dominated me every single night that much more curious. John is a man made up of contradictions. Tender and mean. Serving and dominant. Proud and humble. 100% clear on his now and a total blank on his then. I don’t know what to make of him, and I wonder if he knows himself.

Or if his mystery frustrates him as much as it does me.

Everything about us feels so fragile, but our co-habitation is shockingly strong.

Weekday mornings, I go to work while he goes outside, no matter the weather. I’m still not quite sure what he’s doing out there, but I often imagine him taking long, meditative walks to the “Walking” playlist I made for him. Communing with nature like Walt Whitman, before he comes home to listen to a lot of gangsta rap while working out on the sad little home gym we set up in my living room.

“Doctor Dunhill? Doctor Dunhill?”

A voice rips me away from my thoughts and back to the real world. The one not filled with the crazy sexy mystery that is my John Doe.

I look up from Ronnie Greenwell’s chart to find one of the peds nurses at the door of the office I’m allowed to use when my attending is making rounds. “Veronica Greenwell’s mother is here. She’s asking to talk to you.”

I start. “Do you mean Dr. Higgson? She’s doing rounds, but if Caren has more questions…”

“No, she’s already met with Dr. Higgson, but now she’s asking to speak with you directly.”

I look back at Ronnie’s chart, then close it before standing.

“Okay,” I say softly. Not wanting to speak with Ronnie’s mother. Deeply aware I’m a three-year fellowship away from becoming an official Pediatric Oncologist. But knowing I can’t turn down her request.

“Okay,” I agree again. Then I get to my feet and take a deep breath.

* * *

The house smells amazing when I walk into the apartment that night; the very opposite of a hospital. As usual, John’s finishing up his workout in the corner, so instead of bothering him, I go straight to the kitchen and find a curry simmering on the stovetop.

“Indian food?” I ask a few minutes later when he joins me in the kitchen; Meek Mill’s “Ima Boss” bleeding out of the the black-and-gray Beats around his neck. “Is that new?”

“Yeah, Indian food is new,” he tells me, pressing a kiss into my temple. “But the recipe sounded good and you had all the ingredients.”

“Thanks to Amazon,” I grumble, thinking of the first time I discovered that unlike L.A., most grocery stores in West Virginia don’t carry garam masala.

“Speaking of that…you got a package delivered. But it ain’t from Amazon.”

My eyes go to the rather large box waiting for me like a specter on the coffee table. I sigh, wishing it had come any day but today.

“You want to talk about it?” he asks.

“My day or the box?” I answer with a tired smile.

“Either,” he answers back, hooking the cast behind my back, and caressing my face with the side of his knuckles.

“Not really,” I admit. Because it’s the truth. Because I don’t feel like recounting my day or my past to him tonight.

He studies me for a moment, shrewd eyes gauging. But in the end, he presses another kiss to my temple and says, “All right, I’m gonna go take a shower before dinner.”

As soon as he’s gone, I go over to the box. I don’t even bother to read the return label. It’s from Sandy. Of course it is. Inside I find the usual: a Hermés Birkin, which I will never actually wear on my person; a new special phone with a post-it reading “same number” attached; a couple of shoe boxes, most likely filled with the kind of heels a real doctor wouldn’t wear outside a TV show.

After a few minutes of fishing things out, I throw everything but the new special phone back in the box and go through the monthly routine. Print out the label from my laptop. Tape it to the box with the same industrial-sized roll of packing tape I’ve been using for years. But this month, instead of putting the package by the door, I take it all the way downstairs and throw it into the trunk of my car.

“How many times do I have to ask you to stop sending me these boxes?” I text Sandy after I close the trunk.

“Eight more days,” is all she texts back.

When I get back to the apartment, John’s already out of the shower, and he’s got our plates set up on the same coffee table where the box Sandy sent me used to be. I can feel his curious gaze on me as I go over to the small wine rack sitting on the kitchen counter. Since it’s Friday, and I don’t have to work the next day, I pick out a white to go along with this week’s beer.

We’ve established that beer is “old” to John. So I’ve been trying a variety of beers from Pabst to Bud to see if anything sparks a memory.

But so far, the only thing we’ve really established is that John likes beer and doesn’t “understand” wine.

He squints at the Stella Artois I set in front of him, takes a swig, and says, “That’s new. But I don’t like it as much as the Yuengling from last week.”

“Okay,” I say, trying but failing to keep the irritation out of my tone as I take a sip of my wine.

He continues to watch me instead of eating. And after a moment, he says, “Got something to say, Doc?”

“No,” I answer, picking up my plate. “You’re just…I don’t know, frustrating sometimes.”

Another long silence, and I’m deeply aware I’m the only one eating during it. Finally he says, “I’m frustrating you?”

No, he’s actually the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. The best part of a shitty day. But of course I don’t say that. Of course, I let the old Nitra take a hold of me and snap, “You just don’t seem to be putting any effort into finding out who you really are. Hell, I think you’ve searched harder for vegan recipes than clues about your past this last month.”

A dark look flashes across his face. And in an instant, I’m brought back to the episode on the eighth floor. When it looked like he would kill our neuro res because of something he triggered in John’s past.

But he doesn’t say anything. Just sits there, as if waiting for me to go on.

So I take another sip of wine, washing down the food before I say, “I mean, let’s face it. You’re a very good-looking guy. The chances of you not have a girlfriend are like zero to—”

“I could say the same about you, Doc. I’m still trying to figure out how a pretty gal like yourself ain’t already taken.”

The lazy smile’s back, and now it’s my turn to study him. To wonder what he’s really thinking about this line of conversation.

“You know what? I’m tired and I’ve had a really long day. Do you mind if we just watch a movie or something instead of talking?”

A beat. Then, “Sure, Doc. Whatever you want.”

What I want is to not talk for a while. Or think. So I get up and pop Sweeney Todd into the player, and we finish our dinner, letting Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter do all the talking and singing. I clear our plates when we’re done eating, and only come back to the living room because it’s easier than having a conversation about going to bed early.

I settle onto the other half of the couch and keep trying not to think. Maybe it works. The next thing I know, John is waking me with a tender kiss pressed to the side of my head.

I’m no longer on the other side of the couch, and my head is in his lap. A familiar position at this point, because I’ve been falling asleep during our nightly musical wind down a lot this week.

Fatigue. That’s a sign of depression, I think to myself. And I have to wonder if all of this: the sleepiness, the unorthodox relationship, the sudden sadness about leaving West Virginia, are latent signs of a grief I’d thought I was dealing with by upending my life to go to med school. My past and my present have been colliding a lot this week and apparently it’s exhausting me.

“C’mon, Doc,” he says, interrupting my thoughts about Chanel. “Let’s go to bed.”

When we get to the bedroom, I go straight to my long unused pajama drawer.

“You looking to get punished tonight, Doc?” he asks my back as I strip out of my scrubs and bra.

I don’t answer, just reach for the t-shirt I pulled out. But before I can put it on, he’s behind me, hard erection pressed into my back. Reminding me of how fast he can move now that he’s no longer using his cane.

“How do you think this is going to end, Doc?” he asks, voice low and mean.

“I don’t know, John,” I answer, purposefully stressing the name I’ve been forbidden to use. “With me sleeping on the couch because I’m too tired and bitchy to do this with you right now?”

“You tired, Doc?” A hand finds my breast, stroking it, bringing it to life. “You don’t feel too tired to me. And as for the bitchiness, I got some ideas about how to handle that.”

His hand drops from my breast and slips inside my underwear, fingers working me. I bite my lips, determined not to respond, determined to stay angry for reasons I can’t quite explain. But his touch is magic, and soon I feel my tightly held tension slipping away, my resistance weakening as my body becomes softer and softer.

“You had a bad day, Doc?” he asks, voice thick in my ear. “You need me to do the doctoring tonight? Make you feel better?”

I nod. Silently, helplessly, having no idea that’s what I needed until he said the words out loud.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” he informs me. “I’m going to put you under me. Punish you for this pajama move you just tried to pull. Then we’re going to talk about whatever the hell is bothering you, because I just now decided we ain’t going to be one of those couples who go to bed mad.”

Oh God, his touch is melting me. Making even the hardest parts of my heart feel softer. But there must be a little bit of bitchy Nitra left inside, because I answer. “We’re not a couple. I’m leaving next week. We’re just—”

I cut off when I’m suddenly spun around and all but shoved toward the bed.

The next thing I know, my back’s hitting the mattress and he’s on top of me. Using his weight to hold me down.

His erection pushes against me as he reaches across to the nightstand, and even though I’m still wearing panties, I can feel him inside my slit. Hard as stone.

Same as his expression as he rears back, holding my gaze while he puts on the condom.

Same as his voice when he pulls aside my panties and roughly pushes himself into me.

“Say that again,” he growls, voice guttural with unchecked anger.

It’s an unfair command. Because as soon as I open my mouth to point out all our truths: that we’re not an official couple, that I’ll be leaving soon, that neither of us really knows who the other is—he devours my words with an angry kiss.

I end up moaning against his lips as he slams my arms above my head and holds them there with his good hand, grinding into me with coarse strokes. So good. So good. I cry out, reveling in the way his lean hips feel between my legs. Loving how he makes me forget. About Chanel. About Ronnie.

None of that matters as he fucks me into the bed.

He’s so rough in his take down, dominating me completely in just a few moves, but I soon realize this isn’t the punishment.

No, the punishment is when he pulls out, then eases back into me. But this time, he doesn’t move. Just kisses me. Lazy as a Sunday morning, even though it’s Friday night.

“What are you doing?” I demand, nipping at his lips. “C’mon. C’mon!”

But he doesn’t come on. Not until my entire body cools down, but still doesn’t completely forget the fire he started to build up inside me.

“If we’re not going to—” I begin in a huff.

Only to have him start moving inside me again.

So good. So good. Until he stops. Again.

“What the…” I try to squirm under him, try to initiate the movement he’s refusing me. But it’s no use. He’s too heavy.

So we lie there. Until I once again begin to cool down. Only to have him once again start lazily fucking me. Hard enough to feel pleasurable, but not so hard I actually come.

When he stops the third time, I scream out in frustration, tugging on my hands, “Just let me up, if you’re not going to—!”

“Oh, I’m going to, Doc,” he says, slamming my hands right back down on the bed. “I just need an update on our relationship status before I do.”

I bare my teeth at him. “I don’t even have a Facebook page.”

My angry protest only seems to amuse him even more. “Then humor me, Doc. Answer these questions for me. What would you do if the both of us walked out of this apartment together? Would you claim me as your man? Let people know you were my lady?”

“Claim who?” I all but spit back in his face, hating him in that moment for forcing this conversation after the second longest day of my life. “You don’t have a name, or a social security number, or anything else that proves any of this is real. Most the time I don’t call you anything, because there is literally nothing to call you.”

He goes still above me, his face colder than I’ve ever seen it. “You think this ain’t real, Doc? You think we ain’t something just because I don’t have a name?”

He jerks into me, punctuating his next question with a dragging thrust. “Well, what is this you’re feeling between your legs? Who’s nameless dick are you about to come all over because you can’t help yourself? Can’t keep yourself from feeling for me the same shit I’m feeling for you? How many times I got to make you come before you admit no matter where you go, you fucking belong to me. How long’s that going take? How long?”

This time he doesn’t stop. This time the orgasm he’s been holding back from me rushes through me. Lighting up and then blowing out my entire nervous system, as the pent up pleasure finally has its release.

He gives me what I want. Which is why I really don’t understand what comes next. Me screaming filthy words as the orgasm threatens to shut down my central nervous system. Me babbling apologies for how I acted, for the insensitive things I said.

Then me moving beneath him. Begging him, “Please come, baby. I want to feel you. Please...”

His forehead rests down on mine. “No, Doc,” he says, continuing to hold back. “I love you so fucking much. I don’t want to come in you if you don’t feel the same. I can’t. I can’t…”

His words get loss in an aching groan. And I can tell holding back like this is hurting him. That he’s in pain. Because of me.

I don’t owe him my heart. Or my love. I’m leaving in less than a week. The truth is, it would be wiser to draw back, to try to wean ourselves off each other so it doesn’t hurt so bad when I get on the plane to California.

I think all of that. But out loud I say, “Baby, you know I love you. I’m a doctor and you were a patient, but you’re here with me in my bed. Obviously, I love you. It’s making me crazy!”

My words do what my body and pleas couldn’t. He comes hard above me, his whole body involuntarily shuddering as I murmur, “I’m sorry. So sorry for confusing you even more with the way I acted tonight. I love you. Love you so much, baby.”