It’s been thirty days since my life changed. No, I’m not talking about the accident. I’m talking about Noah telling me he’s in love with me and subsequently walking out the door to chase the woman carrying his baby. And in some twisted form of irony, this all happens in one freaking day, and I’m never given a chance to tell him how I feel or to say the words that were sitting on the tip of my tongue. Never mind the fact I couldn’t chase him because of my mangled body and broken heart after he whispered in my ear he was sorry. He couldn’t even be bothered to see if I was awake before he pushed me aside for Dessie.

She’s pregnant. I get it. The baby comes first. But at what expense, your own happiness? Mine? I’m selfish because for one brief moment I thought I had my best friend back. I thought I was going to have the man of my dreams and we’d ride off into the sunset with our families cheering us on. When in reality, it’s likely my accident that caused him to profess his love for me. The fear of losing someone can do that to a person.

Over the past month, everyone has asked how I’m doing. Fine. It’s always the answer. I have nothing else to say. I’m cooped up. If I’m not in bed, I’m in a wheelchair. And my heart is broken. No one will ever know or understand the pain Noah Westbury has caused me. He gave me a glimmer of hope, only to rip it away and hand it to Dessie.

“Good morning,” Jenna, my nurse says as she comes through my door, pushing a wheelchair, with an orderly right behind her. Normally, patients would leave intensive care, but my parents wanted the privacy so they paid who knows how much to keep me here. I don’t mind because I do love my nurse. She’s spent ample time in here, telling me about my first night and how she took care of me, waiting until my dad arrived. I’ll be forever grateful to her, for staying by my side so I wasn’t alone. “Are you dressed?” she asks.

“Yes, my mom and sister had the dubious task of helping me this morning. What’s going on? Is it time to leave?”

“Not quite, but we’re going to take you over to orthopedics and they’re going swap out your casts.”

“What? Are you serious? I’ll be able to bend my arm and leg?”

She nods happily.

“Oh thank God. I’ll be able to have a little independence.”

Jenna lowers my bed and helps me move down so Bob, the orderly, can pick me up. The drawback to intensive care is that the rooms are small and it’s hard to maneuver. As soon as I’m in the chair, Bob, who happens to be a former linebacker from Ohio State, pushes me down the hall. The nurses we pass tell me they want to sign my new cast when I come back. I look down at my thigh-high one now and try to make out the names.

When Betty Paige and Eden visited, they both decorated my casts with different drawings. Eden drew a water scene with a surfer. It was a guy and I teased her, asking her if he was her boyfriend. She turned red and my uncle Jimmy muttered something about a bloody bloke. Paige drew an elaborate garden scene with roses and vines weaving in and out of everyone’s signatures. I’m sad to be losing the artwork, but happy that the cast will be gone.

And finally, I get to choose my own colors. No more pink. When the physician’s assistant asks me what I want, I tell him black on the bottom because it’ll match most of the leggings I’ll be living in until it’s off, and blue for my arm.

When I’m done, only Bob is there to get me. Unfortunately, I still have to ride in the wheelchair. I haven’t used my legs in almost six weeks and won’t even be able to attempt doing so until I can get the cast off my arm, which according to the doctors won’t be for another six weeks or so. “Let’s detour for lunch,” I suggest.

“Now, Miss Peyton, are you trying to get me into trouble?”

“I am,” I tell him, laughing. This isn’t the first time we’ve done this. In fact, anytime I have to leave my room, I request Bob take me. We bonded over our love of apple pie and eating nachos on Sunday while we watch the games.

Bob does what I ask and takes us down to the cafeteria. I’ve become a regular here, using this as an excuse to get out of my room as much as possible. The day Dr. Colby gave me the okay to move around, I’ve been bugging my family to get me out of my room. My mom all but freaked out though, afraid I’d catch an infection or something, but my chest is healed, if not still sore. I’m not sure the pain I feel there will ever subside.

“Hey Peyton, I see you conned Bob into bringing you down for lunch.”

“It doesn’t take much when I promise him some pie,” I tell Susie, who hands me a tray. I set it on my lap and point to the things I want, making sure I have two of each item. Bob never picks up food he wants to eat. I think it goes against some hospital code or something, so I make sure to double up. I have no idea what he actually likes to eat, aside from nachos. Unless of course he’s only eating those to appease me, which could very well be the case.

I tell the cashier to put everything on my tab, aka, my hospital bill, which I have no doubt has exceeded seven digits by now. I know my parents are looking forward to discharge day. No more taking turns sleeping in my room and living out of a hotel.

“So who do you think will win the Super Bowl?” I ask Bob, in between bites of chicken and some pasta dish we picked up.

“Patriots. The goat is just too good.”

“Hmm, you’re probably right. You know he’s one of the lowest paid QB’s in the league.”

“That’s because he cares about this team and keeps restructuring his contract so the Pats can spend money elsewhere,” Bob says. Our first Sunday of football watching, he told me he was injured his senior year and couldn’t recover in time for the Scouting Combine. His degree is in communications, but it’s rather difficult to get a job as a broadcaster when he has nothing to show for himself where his career is concerned.

“I’m getting sprung any day now. Are you going to miss me?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. Since meeting you I’ve gained fifteen pounds.” For a minute I think he’s serious until he starts laughing so hard, people around us are staring. “I’m only kidding. Yeah, I’m going to miss you. You’re fun to hang out with. When are you getting discharged?”

“I don’t know. I imagine any day now that my casts have been changed. I feel like I’m living here permanently.”

“Back to L.A.?”

“My parents don’t actually live in L.A. but on the outskirts, and I’ve never called it my home. We have a house on the beach, it’s pretty cool, but it takes forever to get anywhere, so I normally hang out at home.”

“Except you’ll be going to rehab with the best therapist in the country.”

When Bob met Xander, his eyes bugged out. Bob went on and on about how amazing and sought after my uncle is. “Only because he’s my uncle.”

“Your dad would’ve paid for him.”

“Probably.”

Bob and I finish up and he takes me back to my room. He helps me get settled and promises to come by before his shift ends. This is when the depression settles in. It’s when I’m alone my thoughts run rampant about what Noah’s doing right now. Part of me is happy we haven’t spoken, but the emotional part is hurt and pissed off. He owes me an explanation, yet I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I think if he were to tell me he chose Dessie, I’d lose it. He’s right to be with her if she’s having his baby.

But, feeling this way doesn’t help the darkness stay away, and this is the only time I can let my emotions out. The tears come easily, hot streams down my face. I don’t bother to wipe them away until I’ve had a good cry. This is a daily occurrence for me. I hate it, but I can’t stop it. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I move in with my parents and can’t hide from them.

“Knock, knock.”

“Just a sec.” I scramble to wipe my face, knowing it’ll be no use. I turn over, onto my back, surprised to see Ben standing in my doorway. “Ben! Hey, what’re you doing here?”

“Well, I’m the lucky one who gets to deliver you some news.” Ben chooses to sit on the edge of my bed as opposed to the chair. Not that I blame him. I’ve heard enough about that stupid hard plastic chair to last me a lifetime.

“What’s that?”

“Tomorrow, you’re out of here!” He throws his hands up in the air.

“No way… wait, why are you telling me?”

“Well, it seems your mom and sister are packing up your room, and your dad is making the necessary arrangements to fly us back to California.”

“Well, this is great.” I try to smile, but by the look on his face, I’m not fooling anyone.

“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m in love with someone who doesn’t or can’t love me back,” I blurt out, only to feel a bit of relief. Maybe talking about Noah is the right thing to do.

“Noah?”

I nod. “He told me he loves me but he’s with Dessie and I don’t understand, except I do because she’s pregnant, but if you love someone…”

“You’re supposed to set them free or whatever. I know how you feel, Peyton. Believe me, I really do.”

“Because you love my sister?”

His eyes go wide, nodding slowly. It’s not like any of us haven’t figured it out, except for Elle. She seems to be blind or completely obtuse when it comes to Ben. It stinks because we love Ben, and we want them together.

I scoot over and invite Ben to sit next to me. He does, stretching his long legs out in front of him. Even sitting like this, I feel like a shrimp next to him. “Your sister is seeing someone. I don’t know who because she won’t tell me.”

“How do you know?”

“When I’m here, visiting you, she’ll leave me for a bit, upwards to an hour or so. At first, I thought she was visiting you, but that wasn’t the case. She’s hiding her phone too, being secretive.”

“Elle hasn’t really visited much since I’ve been awake. Quinn says she’s nervous around me, that the accident freaked her out.”

“You guys have that weird twin thing going on, she probably felt some of your pain.”

I hadn’t thought about of it that way, but he’s probably right, but it’s not an excuse to avoid me. I’m her sister. I need her.

“So Noah, huh? For how long?”

I sigh and lean into my pillow. “For as long as I can remember. I don’t know when it started or when the childhood crush turned into stupid adult feelings, but… always. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore though because Dessie’s pregnant and he went back to Portland with her.”

“He may still come around.” Ben’s hopeful. It’s a nice attribute.

“Not with a baby. Noah grew up not knowing his real father. He would never do that to his own child. I can’t compete with a tiny human. I won’t.”

“Sounds like we’re in the same boat, sharing the same paddle and going nowhere.”

I rest my head on his shoulder and he places his hand in mine. For as long as I’ve known Ben, I always thought he and my sister would end up together. At least for them, there’s still hope.