I stand in front of my living room window, watching as snowflakes fall from the sky. Down below, it doesn’t look like anything is sticking, which means Dessie and I shouldn’t have any problems flying.

My season is over and so is my career if I don’t play my cards right. After I left Peyton in the hospital, breaking both our hearts, I continued to play like crap and was benched for the last game of the season. If that’s not a slap in the face, I don’t know what is.

Dessie comes into the room and turns on the Christmas tree. I study her profile through the reflection, looking hard to see if there’s a baby bump yet. The one appointment she’s had since she burst into Peyton’s room and dropped the bomb, I was out of town for. Dessie gushed on how she was able to hear the heartbeat, but never thought to record the sound for me.

I avert my eyes so she doesn’t see me looking and stare out into the city. At best, our relationship is strained. She tries. I avoid. And I’m the biggest ass for doing so. I should be happy she’s carrying my child. Babies are miracles and I know there are millions out there who struggle to get pregnant. I just don’t want her to be the one to have mine. Of course, I should have thought about that long before I ever slept with her.

“Do you think this snow is going to hamper our trip?”

I shake my head and take a sip of the whiskey I poured myself over an hour ago after I came back from meeting with my coach. He yelled. I listened. I came home and poured a drink, which is something I never do.

“I still don’t understand why your father couldn’t let us use the band’s plane,” Dessie says as she walks away. It’s probably because I never asked him. When I told my mom I’d be home for Christmas, she didn’t seem so thrilled to hear Dessie was coming with me. I have yet to tell my parents she’s pregnant and I’m not sure if Peyton told anyone. If she did, my parents are doing a damn fine job of hiding it from me.

“My luggage is packed,” she hollers from the room. I set my glass down on the table and head toward the bedroom. Since I returned from Chicago, I haven’t slept in here, opting for the guest bedroom. I don’t want Dessie to get the wrong idea. I may be here, but I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing.

“The car will be here in an hour,” I say, turning into my room. I stare into my closet. I used to look forward to going home, especially at Christmas. When I was ten, it became my favorite holiday, and now I have no desire to go at all.

“Do you want some help?” Dessie asks. She doesn’t wait for me to answer before coming in. She starts pulling clothes out of my closet, setting them on my bed. “What do you think we’ll do while we’re there?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, maybe it’d be a good time to get married since we’ll be in your hometown.”

I sit down on my bed and sigh. She’s been pushing for marriage since we flew back to Portland, reminding me her friends often comment on how she’s not engaged and now she’s pregnant, this seems like the right time.

“I’m sure Beaumont is beautiful at Christmas time.”

“It is. Listen, Dessie, I haven’t told my parents yet about the baby.”

“Why not?” she asks, sitting down next to me.

I rest my elbows on my knees and sigh. “I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “Maybe because part of me wishes it weren’t true, while the other part wishes our situations were different. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

I glance at her from over my shoulder and shake my head. “No, I don’t.”

“Well, what can I do?”

“Nothing, Dessie. They’re my demons I need to work through. I’ll finish packing so we can go.”

She stands and heads toward the door. “Everything will be okay, Noah.”

I nod and feign a smile, waiting until she’s gone before I pull out my phone and scroll through the calls I recently made. Each one is to Peyton. Each one unanswered. For all I know, she’s changed her number. There isn’t anyone I can ask though, except her. Everyone would question why, if she did, in fact, change her number, wasn’t it given to me. I have a feeling she won’t be in Beaumont for Christmas, which leaves me no choice but to dwell on the fact I screwed up big time and she’s not willing to speak to me.

Pocketing my phone, I try to focus my attention on packing. I throw a few dressy items in my bag, but most of what’s going in there are jeans and sweats. I purposely leave my suit hanging in my closet. Maybe if I don’t have it, she won’t bring up marriage again.

By the door, her three pieces of luggage sit. I try not to think I’m under packing with my one bag, but clearly I am. Dessie comes out of the bedroom with another suitcase being towed behind her.

“Are you moving in with my parents or something?”

“These are presents.”

Right, presents, for Christmas. I’ve been so caught up in my personal drama I completely forgot to buy presents.

“I picked up things for your parents, grandparents and your grandma, your sister, as well as Mack, Aubrey, Mack and Amelie.”

“Wow. I think you thought of everyone.” Except for Peyton, Elle and Quinn, but I can’t imagine she wants to buy them anything. “I suppose we should go?”

“Or we wait another half hour until the car arrives,” she suggests, laughing.

“I’ll start taking these down.”

I open the front door and use my foot to keep it open. Dessie helps pile luggage into my arms and follows me out to press the button for the elevator. “This is going to be a great trip, Noah,” she says. I nod, thankful for the high-pitched ding that sounds when the doors are about to open.

When I arrive downstairs, I set our stuff down near the doorman. “Taking a trip, Mr. Westbury?”

“Heading home for the holidays now that the season is over.”

“Ah, yes. Rough year, but the fans are confident.”

I wish I were. “Thanks. I’ll be back with the rest of our luggage. The car should be here in thirty minutes or so.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Westbury.”

Instead of the elevator, I opt for the stairs. It seems to be the only way I can get my aggression out these days since I’m not actually allowed to go boxing or tackle anyone during practice. The thought of one-on-one with Trey Miller, my left tackle, is very appealing right about now. After my shitty performance to end the season, he’d probably take me up on the opportunity to kick my ass without repercussion.

I reach my floor with very little time to spare. Dessie is pacing the hallway with the rest of her luggage sitting outside our door. “I thought you forgot me,” she says, rushing to give me a hug.

“Are you ready?” I know she is, but the alternate thought in my head would come off very snotty and the last thing I want to deal with is a pissed off Dessie. Since she broke the news of her pregnancy, she’s done everything she can to appease me, while I’ve been a miserable jerk.

The ride to the airport is done in relative quietness. It’s barely six and pitch black outside with the exception of the decorations. We’ll arrive at my parents late, far too late for us to stay up and talk. I planned it this way. Tomorrow… well, it’s another day and one I won’t be able to dodge.

As soon as we get out of the car, someone screams out my name. I’ve been trained over the years to ignore the fans. I try with this one, but he’s relentless.

“Hey, Noah, can I get a pic?” He puts his arm around me before I can even agree to the invasion. I smile and try to step away, but he pulls out a pen and scrambles in his pocket, searching for a piece of paper for me to write on.

“Here, babe,” Dessie says, handing me a half sheet out of her oversized purse.

“Thanks,” I say before turning to the guy. “What’s your name?”

“Jeff, but can you make it to my little brother? He’s in the hospital and you’re his favorite player.”

“What’s his name?”

“Leo,” he says, giving me pause.

“Leo, huh?” I can’t say the name without smiling. I wish I had contact information for Leo back in Chicago. I could certainly use his advice right about now. “Can you FaceTime him?”

Jeff’s eyes go wide. He starts to fumble with his phone. His face lights up when his brother comes on. “Leo, you’re never going to guess who I ran into at the airport.” He angles the phone so we’re both in the screen.

“Holy shit,” Leo says after he removes his oxygen mask. The way he looks reminds me of Peyton. “You’re my fave.”

“Thanks, Leo, for the support. I hope you get better, man.”

“Yeah, me too. And I hope you kick ass next year.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Jeff takes the phone and tells his brother he’ll see him later. I don’t know why I continue to watch their exchange but I do. When he hangs up, I hand him the sheet of paper I autographed and the card for my manager. “When you get a chance, call this number. It’s my manager. Tell him we met and you’re leaving word about your brother. I’d like to visit him when I get back in a week.”

“Wow, really? Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Merry Christmas, Jeff.”

“Yes, you too. I can’t thank you enough.”

“It was my pleasure.” I watch Jeff walk down toward the taxi line, waiting until he’s out of sight before I turn my attention back to Dessie and all her luggage. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. The porter took our stuff and security is ready to escort us to the first class lounge.”

I nod and fall in line behind her. Now that we’re inside the airport, both our names are called, but neither of us stops. For the past year and a half, we’ve been a high-profile couple, and the media is going to have a field day when they find out she’s pregnant.

By the time we get through the TSA checkpoint, our flight is about to board. The security guard drops us off at our gate just as first class is being called. Dessie and I walk by, listening to the murmurs of people, wondering if it is in fact us.

“What you did back there for that kid, that was very nice of you,” Dessie says once we’re situated.

“It felt like the right thing to do. I’m going to go see him next week when we get back. Maybe round up a few of the guys if they’re in town.”

“You’re going to make a great father, Noah.” I turn away from her so she doesn’t see the anger in my eyes. I want to be excited about this baby, I do, but I can’t help to think we’re doing the wrong thing by staying together for the sake of the baby. All I know is that when I get to Beaumont, my dad, Nick and I are having a long talk. I need their advice, their guidance and help. I don’t want to make a mistake I’ll regret later or make a rash decision that comes back to bite me in the ass. I have to remember, Dessie and I created this baby together, it’s just shitty luck I don’t want to be with his or her mom anymore.