CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

BRANDON

Every ounce of my body and heart told me to run after her, but my mind kept a more powerful hold on me and I watched her from my office window, getting into her sister’s car. I watched through the stained glass as her face crumpled, hands tangling in the unruly hair I myself had tousled not hours before, and my fists clenched at my sides at the sight. After the countless tears I had seen her shed, I never wanted to be the cause, but there it was and it was nearly enough to send me into a craze, destroying everything within arm’s reach.

I didn’t bother staring as they pulled away, fearing that the pain could actually get worse if I had. I turned and sat in the chair at my desk and eyed the stack of my books on the desk, and I stared until I saw them as the enemy. My life’s work that had in one way or another managed to be the destruction of not one relationship but two.

Julia flickered into my mind as I stared beyond the pile of books and into a past life. I saw the late night conversations we had shared over countless cups of coffee, talking about our shared dream of finding ourselves on the shelves of bookstores everywhere. I saw the wall of our Brooklyn apartment; plastered with the countless rejection letters we together accrued. The shared disappointment and dreams had kept us moving forward, kept us happy, but then came the letter of acceptance that should have made us both excited, and instead left one of us dragging through a dangerous swamp of jealousy.

My fingers turned white under the strain of my clenching fists, reminding myself of that final argument that sent the engagement ring into my chest. Julia, the woman I had committed myself to for over ten years, had left me at the beginning of my rise to fame with an empty house and a list of wedding guests and caterers to call. All because she had allowed her jealousy to brew into a soul-consuming hatred.

I reminded myself of how much I hated her for it. How I had sworn to whatever deity would listen that I would never put myself into that position again. This career left no room for real, honest-to-God love. I had convinced myself of that all those years ago, and what the hell had made me think it could be any different with Holly?

People like you don’t fall in love with people like me. Her words echoed through my brain, accompanied by that little voice, whispering, “Another me, another life,” and I saw red.

A rampage of regrettable thoughts bulldozed through my teetering mind. If I had simply kept my distance after I found myself absurdly enchanted at first sight, none of this would have happened. I never would have felt the need to hide myself, I never would have set myself back in my current work, and I never would have veered off my path of perpetual solitude. I could have spared myself the pain and torment of landing in the very position I had feared.

But I never would have known what it was like to look into her eyes, to be inside her, and know exactly how it feels to be complete.

Yes, but if I had never known her, I never would have known how fucking empty I am without her.

A flurry of sorrow-fueled rage was sent forth through my fingertips as I shoved the entire stack of books over onto the floor with a clatter that vibrated through the floorboards. My path of destruction brought my hands to the laptop next. I lifted it, shakily gripping the aluminum casing with fury sending waves of tension through my biceps, and I was ready to smash it down onto the desk’s surface to destroy everything I had been working on, until I stopped myself with a single thought: Florida.

And just like that, my mind was made up, and I pulled my cell phone from my pocket.

Before calling my father, I hit Nick’s number.

“Why the hell are you calling me?” Nick asked immediately. “Aren’t you busy getting laid or something?”

His crude comment reminded me that I had texted him earlier, gushing like a teenager before embarking on my grocery store excursion with Holly. At the sound of his words, I could feel the softness of her thighs pressed on either side of my hips and her hands against my back, her nails clawing at my skin and holding on for dear life as our breath came in and out in time with each other.

Nothing in my life had ever made me feel more whole than that first time.

My eyes welled up at the thought, and I sniffed back the onset of emotion at Nick’s innocently upsetting comment.

“Yeah, well, let’s just say that ship has sailed.”

“Oh, for crying out loud, what did you do?” Nick groaned. I could see him rolling his eyes at the now-predictable twists and turns of my life.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, willing myself to go on with the conversation. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just calling to let you know I’m going to Florida for a while to stay with my parents and work on the book without any distractions.”

“Jesus, are you okay?”

Ignoring him, I said, “I need someone to watch the house, okay? I’ll pay you and Ashley to look after things here.”

Nick sighed, and I could see him ruffling the hair on his head the way he might pet a dog if his wife would permit him to have one. “Oh, come on. You know you don’t have to—”

“Well, whatever,” I blurted, not in the mood to negotiate. “I’ll take Tolkien with me so that you don’t have to worry about her.”

“How long are you going to be away? You have—let me see …” Nick flew into business mode and I heard buttons being pressed, undoubtedly flipping through my itinerary over the next few months. “You have that interview with The Fantasy Gazette in the middle of the month, but that’s a Skype thing, so that’s no problem. But next month, in mid-February, you have that anniversary party.”

“I don’t know if I’ll make it,” I said plainly.

Nick sighed his irritation as my agent/manager, but with desperation to be a good friend, he said, “Well, try. It’s a big deal.” I pictured him pushing his glasses onto his nose. “So, uh, again I ask, how long do you plan on being away?”

“Haven’t decided yet,” I replied shortly, pushing my hair back.

I wished I could have seen Nick’s reaction while he was silent. The only sound through the phone speaker was his breathing and the distant sound of little girls laughing. His kids, I thought with a weak smile. The kids that called me Uncle. Kids that would have treated my own like their cousins.

My kids …

I held my eyes shut, and taught myself again how to breathe. 

He finally spoke. “Dude, Brandon, if you need to talk …”

I bit my lip to prevent it from trembling. “I’m good, man. Seriously. I just need to get out of here for a while. Focus on what’s important, you know?”

Nick sighed again. “Yeah, if that’s what you need.”

I hung up the phone with a “I’ll let you know when I get there,” and immediately called my parents to inform them that—ready or not—I was on my way within the next twenty-four hours. My father answered and while I expected excitement, the news was received with concern. I guess, with all of those times I had turned down their offer for escape, they had never expected me to one day take them up on it.

“What’s going on, kid?” Dad asked in a hushed voice. I heard a door close, and imagined that he was hiding from my mom’s invasive ears. “Did something happen with your girlfriend?” 

“Uh, yeah, well … We just broke up,” I muttered, my voice struggling on the words.

“Oh, jeez, I’m sorry, son. How are you holding up?” Dad said in his deep, soothing tone.

The little boy in me couldn’t fight it any longer and I began to cry softly, the tears making new paths through the scruff on my face. “Not great,” I whispered, giving up any hope of behaving as a man’s man, and I allowed myself to succumb to my feelings with the comfort of my father on the other line. “I fucked up, Dad. I hid some stuff from her, and …”

“What kind of stuff?” he pried gently.

Without seeing any reason to continue the Holly Hoax any longer, I indulged my father with the tale of the relationship that never was, starting from the very beginning when a little girl ran into my leg. He gave me his full attention, only interrupting periodically to bellow at my mother that he would be out when he was good and ready. With my head in my hand, I let the memories flow freely along with my tears, reliving every moment when I could have just told her the truth. The outcome might not have been any different, I realized, remembering how insistent she was that she wasn’t adequate enough to be with a person like me—whatever that meant.

But what could have been spared was my heart, and when I verbalized this thought to my father, he scoffed and said, “Is that really what you want, though?”

To spare my heart would have meant to have never experienced her in any possible way, and as my most vital organ reminded me that it was still somehow beating, albeit painfully, I replied, “No.”

“I didn’t think so,” Dad said, and I could tell he was smiling. “Hey, you think there’s any chance of getting back together? That can happen, you know.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this time, Dad. She was pretty upset.”

He sighed sadly. “Well, you’re a smart kid. Maybe you’ll think of a way to fix it.”

I had to wonder if he was disappointed. I imagined my parents wishing for a wedding to fawn over, a daughter-in-law to fall in love with, and grandchildren to worship. And since I hadn’t held up on my end of that unspoken bargain, I pictured myself to be the biggest failure in their eyes, despite single-handedly supporting them in their golden years. They never said it, but they never had to; because without the dance recitals, sonogram pictures, and bridal showers to talk about with the shuffleboard crew, what good was I?

Not surprisingly, Dad didn’t bother commenting any further on the breakup. What else was there to say? “Of course, you’re welcome to come down, Brandon. You know that. We’ll get the guest room ready for you. Oh, and by the way, son, let’s not tell your mother that you haven’t been with Holly this whole time, okay? Not sure if she’d let Birdy live through that.” He paused, and chuckled. “On second thought, maybe …”

“I’ll get the shovel,” I managed to joke, only able to twitch the very beginnings of a smile.

After hanging up, I wondered what he would tell my mother. I could just see her, wringing her hands with worry over how I was going to get myself through this one, but then thanking the Lord that I had the sense to come down to them before doing anything drastic. She could dote on me and make certain that I was treating myself right during the difficult time. Hell, I was finding that I almost looked forward to the constant home-cooked meals and the company—but, I reminded myself, I could have had that full-time with Holly had I just opened my goddamn mouth earlier when I should have.

Or if I had just been a normal fucking person, I thought angrily to myself, shutting off the phone before heading down the hall to pack my things.