CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
HOLLY
Since that night, I had tried to avoid any mention of him, which I found to be difficult once I began looking.
I found his picture on the latest cover of People, just staring out at me from the magazine racks while I waited with Anna to pay for my daily pint of ice cream at the grocery store. The cashier had seen the look of shock as I pulled the magazine from its spot on the wire display, and she gave me a cheerful nod.
“He’s gorgeous, right?” she said, gushing appropriately over the picture.
Brandon’s hair had been straightened and I assumed blown out by a professional, and with his bristly chin tilted under, bright blue eyes stared up under his lowered brows with the intensity of a wolf.
“His eyes aren’t really that bright,” I said with a polite smile, while I played back a memory of that very chin grazing along the inside of my thigh.
Another night, flipping through channels, I stumbled on a repeat episode of The Tonight Show and just so happened to find myself staring at an interview of Brandon from sometime over the summer. He and Jimmy Fallon talked like old friends sharing a beer at a BBQ, and the thought popped into my head that, Jesus Christ, he might actually hang out with him.
I had turned the TV off with little desire to torture myself further and realized that there was no escaping him. Even my normal routine of going to Reade’s had become contaminated. I guess I should have expected that to an extent, but I didn’t expect for Bill or Jessie to gaze at me sadly, as though I were the one that got away from them. Scott even insisted on continuing to give me my lavender Earl Grey on the house, saying that Brandon would have wanted it that way, as though the guy had ceased to exist.
And in a way, he had. He had stopped coming to the bookstore, according to Bill and his family who asked with concern if I had seen him lately. Bill told me it wasn’t like him to disappear without warning, and according to Jessie, others around town hadn’t seen him either. They had worried me enough to pass by his house, just to see if his car was at least in the driveway, and it goes without saying that I had found the driveway empty. I allowed myself a moment to be troubled by his disappearing act, but only a moment, and I went back to the difficult task of forgetting him.
For all intents and purposes, it shouldn’t have been all that difficult. Aside from the mentions of him at Reade’s, it was almost as though he had never happened. My compadres had resorted to never bringing him up—ever. Not a mention, not a single word. I guess they assumed it would be too painful for me to be reminded of what I lost—what I gave up—but to go on as though he never was proved to be almost as difficult as forgetting about him.
But at least life brought with it some distractions. Anna provided a daily retreat from my mental torment, Esther provided her usual banter, and Liz …
Well, Liz was something else entirely.
Liz had perplexed me with some pretty mysterious behavior. Late work nights, shifty conversation, and too many phone calls locked away in her bedroom. I was growing more and more suspicious, with my mind leaning towards something romantic, and that particular night was no exception as she ran into the house after work, her heels clicking across the floor and down the hallway to her room. Not a word was spoken to either of us, and Anna and I glanced at each other, wearing the same perplexed expression over our fourth rousing game of Candy Land.
“What, nothing happened today? No new patients with halitosis?” I called after her suspiciously. Anna glanced up at me from the board game, and I shrugged at her before spinning the wheel. “Darn, looks like you win again, kiddo.”
A knock on the front door startled us both as Anna’s figure crossed the finish line to the Candy Castle. Assuming it was Esther, because who else would it be, I got up from the floor, ignoring the popping in my knees, and without bothering to look through the window, I threw the door open.
“And what the hell do you want?” I asked with a laugh as the door swung open. “O-oh, my God, I thought you were someone else. Um—Esther. I thought you were Esther.”
I leaned my weight against the door frame, immediately putting the pieces of that particular puzzle together with ease. “So, Liz was the other woman, huh?” I asked, stepping aside to grant Ben and his bouquet of flowers passage into the house.
He gritted his teeth and knitted his brows together in worry. “Is this weird for you? Because I can wait outside.”
I considered the question for a moment, placing a hand on my hip. The short answer was that, yes, it was incredibly weird and I was planning on having a nice chat with my sister the second I was able to. But there were grey areas, and that was what prevented me from feeling weird enough to send him out into the cold.
Just then, a gussied-up Liz appeared by my side with a grin plastered on her face. Right there in front of me, the two of them squished their lips together for a pain-staking second and Liz invited him in. She took the flowers from him and sauntered her way into the kitchen. I hastily excused myself and followed her while Anna squealed Ben’s name. Apparently, she had been aware of this pairing before I even had a clue.
“So, you and Benny, huh,” I said casually.
She sighed, still wearing her smile. “Okay, I know I owe you an explanation, but I didn’t want to say anything because you’re, um—you know, going through a breakup—”
It was the first time anybody had alluded to Brandon since that night. I swallowed hard with a deep breath, eyeing the refrigerator and imagining the beautiful box of wine inside.
“Can’t be a breakup when we were never together,” I mumbled, and then shook my head at the absurdity of the situation, putting myself back on track. “Wait, that’s why you didn’t say anything? Not the fact that I’ve, you know, seen him naked?”
Her face screwed up, as though she had just taken a big bite out of a lemon. “Well, that was weird in the beginning but it doesn’t bother me anymore. He never felt anything for you.”
“Oh, well, that’s wonderful,” I quipped. “Wait, how long has this been going on?”
“Um, well, let me think.” She counted on her fingers, whispering the numbers as she went. “Two weeks, I think?”
My mouth dropped, doing the math quickly in my head. “Ben and I ended things two weeks ago,” I said flatly. I grabbed a plastic cup and went to the fridge for some wine.
She shrugged, twisting her lips. She looked a touch shameful, but not enough to end things, and I couldn’t blame her for that. “When you guys broke it off, he called me pretty much right away and told me how he felt.”
Ben stuck his head in the kitchen. “Babe, my mom made the reservations for six and it’s already a quarter to.” He glanced at me. “Um, are we good here?”
Liz’s eyes were also on me, and dammit, I felt like some wine drinking circus freak show; “Step right up and see the woman who can’t hold onto a man to save her life!” But the longer they stared, biting the inside of their cheeks, it dawned on me that they wanted my blessing and at first, I wasn’t so sure I could give it to them. I mean, why would I even want to watch these two people blossom into something perfect, and something I couldn’t seem to maintain for myself?
But then with a reluctant clarity, I remembered how much Liz had done for me all of those months, and never once asked for anything in return. I remembered her years of being single, and how lonely she must have been before I landed on her doorstep. She deserved her own happiness, and she had obviously found it with Ben.
After a few moments, I nodded my approval and told him that, yeah, we were good. As though they had been holding their breath, they both sighed heavily and smiled. Not at me, but at each other, and I caught the glimmer in their eyes. The little sparkle I was so familiar with.
They were in love, and my heart ached with a cocktail of jealousy and sadness.
Goddammit, I miss Brandon.