CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
HONEY
I didn’t know what to feel, especially when he started explaining.
“It’s not what you think.”
“So what is it, exactly?”
Gavin leaned against the wall, obviously struggling with words. But I refused to let it go and refused to say anything else, even while the urge to apologize for slapping him nagged at me. Instead, I crossed my arms and waited.
“I can’t stop thinking about what happened to our marriage and how it all started like this.”
“Like this?”
“Like this. Having sex wherever and whenever we pleased. Letting lust dictate what we did, like what’s happening to us now. Letting it boil into obsession. It’s unhealthy, and not just for me.”
I got what he was saying, I really did. But the sting of being compared to his ex-wife still lingered. The problem wasn’t that I was jealous or anything like that, considering I’d never really met her and I knew their marriage was shitty.
It was the fact that it was shit and he thought our relationship, whatever this was, was similar.
My chest hurt and is was hard to take a proper breath. I resisted the urge to fist my hand on it and knock a few times. Clarity came, one so bright that it made me weak in the knees. The decision was both of ours, but I suddenly realized I desperately needed to make it first and spare everyone the embarrassment later.
So I straightened my shoulders. I took a deep breath.
“That’s the most brutally honest and insulting thing someone has ever said to me…well, aside from what the reporters used to throw out.”
He winced but nodded his head. He took a step forward, and I shook my head.
“Honey…”
“You said what you had to say, now let me have my say.”
“Okay.”
“If this is going to end up that way, then I don’t want any part of it. I have my life ahead of me, Gavin, and I’m just starting to get used to it again. If you don’t have feelings…”
“I don’t have the feelings you need.”
I looked down at his confirmation and braced myself against the invisible punch. Then I nodded. “Right. I don’t, either.” When I looked up, there was already a decided expression on my face. “So let’s just end this.”
“Honey…”
“Gavin,” I returned, my voice harsher than I intended. “Please. I don’t ever want to be compared to anyone. And this is all casual, anyway.”
Half of me expected him to protest. But the disappointment was deep when he nodded and agreed.
“Sara asked me to tell you about your meeting with her. And dinner after.”
“Right. I’m kind of tired. I’ll text her and reschedule.”
“And dinner?”
“I’m tired, Gavin. Let’s just celebrate separately today.”
“Right.”
Not wanting to face him for now, I got out of there as fast as I could, avoiding the crowd and hurrying to the parking lot to get to my car. I practically zoomed out of the lot and into the streets, thinking of home and the want to just snuggle under my blankets for comfort.
In my head, I repeated all kinds of things to assure myself: that it was for the best, that it really was all casual, and that what he said was perhaps the biggest blessing, because it allowed me to take a step back before too many feelings were developed and eventually hurt.
In my heart, I acknowledged that I was the biggest liar in the world.
*****
Time flew, and my busy schedule didn’t allow me to dwell on things too much. Perhaps it was the biggest good-luck charm in the world because it allowed me to get back on track and adjust to the life I was used to—the life of the racing world, where winning was a good thing but feeling the thrill of accomplishing something was much, much better.
Because Gavin still had a contract to fulfill with me until the end of the season, he was still always around, lurking and observing. It was his job, and I tried not to take it too personally when he hovered too close. He had the same blank expression when I first met him whenever he was around, and we still took the same car ride home before parting ways in the hallway without inviting each other to come over.
I tried not to take that personally, too.
Just because I had feelings for him didn’t mean I should spend my days moping about it, especially when he hadn’t regretted our breakup and obviously thought this was the best decision. So I focused my time on my goal to win the biggest race of the year, practicing whenever I could and learning the new techniques I wanted to add to my race. My shoulder was my biggest concern because it still stung from time to time and distracted me enough that I got worried it would end up distracting me during my biggest race, too. But I pushed back my worries, pushed back the constricting feelings whenever I looked at Gavin and worked like a horse.
Then the biggest race of my life was here, and the hype became unreal.
The day started off with me watching over my crew, who were doing double the work to check that my car was ready. I suited up and tied my hair, then wandered over to Viktor and Roger, who were the ones I knew the best. Roger looked relaxed, and a quick conversation with him determined that he really didn’t expect to win but was hoping for the best. Viktor was a different case altogether, looking so tense that he sweated too much. I gave him a smile and told him to take it easy, and he wished me luck.
Sara was in the bleachers, as she usually was during big events like this. I couldn’t spot her in the stupendously massive crowd, but I gave a thumbs-up in that general direction, anyway. Cars lined up in their spot, colorful and sleek. The race car drivers lined up beside each car, brimming with anticipation and the desire to be on top.
My heart started to beat loudly in my chest, a definitive sound that got me grinning. Without thinking, I turned my head in Gavin’s direction, knowing he was lurking near the garage as always. I spotted him standing with one of the crew members, in some kind of deep discussion.
He looked up, and our eyes met.
My heart beat for a different reason now, but I forced it back and gave him a small smile. He returned it, and it was so sincere that I just had to keep it in my memories for looking back to in the future.
The announcer interrupted our moment, the loud greeting making everyone roar in delight. Our gazes broke, and I looked back to the crowd as anticipation and nerves warred in me. The anticipation won out, hyping me up and making me realize this was it.
Time to shine.
I took a deep breath. Then I put on my helmet, got strapped in the car and waited for the start.
*****
There was a slight glitch to my shoulder that almost took away my lead, but I managed to control it enough to push through and get to the finish line—first.
First!
Like I usually did, I took my time inside the car and absorbed the moment. This particular moment was special, and I wouldn’t be alone for a while after. I took a few deep breaths, rubbed my shoulder a couple of times for good measure. Then I slid out to the crowd’s deafening roar and found that this time, there were more cheers than boos.
My stomach jumped, and my body inwardly vibrated from the energy I was feeling. It didn’t sink in yet, even while I removed my helmet and took my ponytail out. People were offering me hugs, especially my crew who’d gathered around me and said things that mixed in a blur. Then the blur disappeared as what was happening finally sank in.
I won the biggest race of the year.
The nearest person was my youngest crew member, Patrick, whose eyes were shining with excitement. I pulled him in for a hug, then pulled the others in as I finally allowed myself to squeal in delight. Some of the other contestants came over to congratulate me, and the second placer, Roger, was beaming. I couldn’t spot everyone, but those I could looked genuinely happy for me.
The cheer of the crowd started making sense. Amazed, I looked up at the chanting of my name, in awe that this was even happening to me.
“First woman to win,” Roger shouted over the din, giving me two thumbs up. “Congratulations!”
Oh, my God. He was right.
The cheers lasted a long time, and it made me giddy enough to keep grinning to the crowd until my mouth hurt from the strain. I kept waving at them, even blowing kisses and winking as I threw caution to the wind and just let myself bask in the glory of this win.
This first moment wasn’t going to be repeated, and enjoying it was the best thing there was.
There were platforms readied for the top three, and I stood on the highest one and tried not to titter as photo-ops were held. Then we were made to stand on stage, where more photos were taken with the trophy by my side. It was a pretty little thing, and my mind was already working at where I could possibly display it in the apartment. The interview that followed was a blur, and I did my best to get through it while on my high. Then it was done, and the long day finally caught up with me and had me looking around for some of the people I actually really cared about.
It was Sara I spotted first, standing patiently at the side and waiting for me. She looked as polished as always, not a hair out of place, and I knew I was pretty much the opposite with how sweaty and messy I probably looked right now. I ran to her and hugged her which was a bit awkward for her. But my reserved manager hugged me back, patting my back as she did so, making me giggle. Despite the tiredness, I was still pretty revved up, and that energy made me want to bounce up and down and celebrate some more. I already promised my crew a celebration, and we were going to be meeting up soon for dinner.
“Dinner later with everyone.”
“I’ll be there,” she promised. Her eyes gleamed. “Actually, the crew has something planned for you.”
I grinned. Then I found my eyes wandering the area as I realized that there was one person I hadn’t seen at all since the start of the race.
Despite our distance lately, I still wanted to share the news with him—to share the joy of this new step in my career. He needed to be there for dinner later, really, and I needed to express my gratitude for his constant support despite everything. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I wanted to express a lot of things. But for now, gratefulness was a good start.
And maybe a hug to bridge the gap between us. An innocent hug, if I could pull it off.
Deciding to throw subtlety to the wind, I turned to Sara. “Where’s Gavin? He needs to celebrate with us.”
To my surprise, she didn’t answer right away. I watched as her lips tightened, almost like she was displeased. I thought she was displeased with Gavin himself, and that made me wonder what he did.
“He had to go; that’s why I’m waiting for you—well, other than being your manager and being proud of you. You still need an escort.”
I tilted my head, the curiosity growing.
“So where did he go that was so important?”
“Someone came over and needed to talk with him, so it’s best to leave them alone for now.”
Her tone was tense, and I raised a brow. Now worry slid in. “And basing from your tone, you don’t like that person.”
“Absolutely.”
The suspense was killing me.
“So who is it, Sara?”
The answer wasn’t one I expected.
But it certainly was one that had shock punching me in the chest and misery following.
“His ex-wife, Tanya. She’s in town.”