Chapter 22
The Promise
Kian
Kian had waited for weeks and in that time he’d curled back inside his shell. He’d sewn the messy, shredded parts of himself back together. He’d pretty much given up hope of Katelyn ever contacting him again, which made the fact that she haunted him even worse. He was pretty damn sure that she’d been his last chance for redemption, for a future that involved someone other than himself.
It was even more astounding, then, to open his door after a series of frantic pounding and receive the missile that flung itself into his arms.
Katelyn. She was crying, no- sobbing, though he had no idea why. She cried as though her heart was breaking, clung to him like he was her last hope, a lifeline in a sea of destruction and sorrow. He’d seen grief like that before. Too many times, when he was a cop. He’d delivered news, the worst kind, and watched people crumple under the blow.
Fear built up inside of him like a rising tide.
Oh no. Please no. Katelyn was crying, shaking, wailing in his arms. Her pitiful moans of grief scorched his ears and blurred his own vision. After a long while he was able to draw back a little. He held her apart, so he could look into her face. Her eyes were nearly swollen shut and what he could see was so haunted his heart ached. She reached up and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Her skin was blotchy and puffy.
“I’m… sorry,” she gasped. She swiped at her eyes as well.
“No…” Kian coughed loudly to clear his throat. It hurt. Scratched somewhere deep in his chest. His heart felt like lead. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I’ll… I- I…”
“It’s alright. Take your time. Why don’t you come in. I’ll make us a cup of coffee or get you some water or tea. Whatever you need.” He tried to use a soothing tone of voice, like when he was as a cop and had to deliver those heart crushing messages that a loved one had been killed or injured.
Oddly enough she laughed. The sound was sharp, high pitched, not at all right. God, he hated that sound. He knew it too well. Shock. So often shock and grief went hand in hand.
Finally Katelyn nodded. She pushed the long strands of her blonde hair back behind her ears, away from her sweat dampened forehead and tear strained cheeks. A few strands stuck and she left them, oblivious to their presence.
Kian slipped an arm around her waist and guided her woodenly into the living room. His eyes dropped to her feet and he realized she wasn’t wearing shoes. It wasn’t normal. None of this was normal. She’d stayed away for a month after that fight and then, bam! She was on his doorstep, in his arms, her entire world shifted. He could already feel it, as though the axis on his also tilted wildly, out of control.
“Do you want anything?” He asked after he helped her sit down on the couch. Her haunted, red rimmed, puffy eyes strayed back to his face.
“Water. Please. Do you have any tissues?”
Did he indeed? “Probably not,” he admitted, feeling like the worst kind of human being. Who didn’t have tissues? Only some hard ass, soulless individual… “I’ll find something.”
Katelyn nodded. She brought her hands up to her face and scrubbed at her eyes. He left her, in order to give her some space. She looked like she could use a minute to try and get herself together.
In the kitchen, Kian poured a glass of water from the tap. He wished he had something better. He wished, most of all, that he could spare Katelyn from the worst of whatever she was going through. He didn’t know what the hell had happened, but whatever it was clearly wounded her deeply. He’d been there, he’d been through it. Hell, he still hadn’t come out on the other side.
An image of his wife’s face, blood dripping from the wound on her forehead, leaching down her pale skin, into sightless eyes, chilled his blood. He remembered turning around in the seat, remembered the lightning bolts of pain that shot through his body at even the small movement. He tried to drown out the vision, but it was too quick. It played straight through his mind like the worst kind of graphic horror. His son. His two year old son, who had been so full of life and light. He could tell he was dead even though his eyes were closed. The caved in side of the vehicle was crumpled all around him, over him, crushing him…
He shut out the rest of the image and barely managed to bite back a howl of pain. He’d done it then. In the car, before the sirens came, before he was ripped from his vehicle by an EMT. He’d screamed, like a wounded animal. He’d cried out over and over again, screamed the names of his family, the names of the dead. He’d begged a god he wasn’t sure if he believed in, over and over again, to somehow take him and bring them back. Of course there was no exchange of life. He’d had to live.
Sometimes it was worse than dying. Sometimes it felt that way. Sometimes he was sure he already had.
Before he returned to the living room, he ducked into the bathroom and brought out a roll of toilet paper. He set both the poor substitute for tissues and the glass of water down on the coffee table.
Katelyn had turned herself into a little ball on his leather couch. She’d pulled her knees and legs into herself and wrapped her arms around them. She looked scared, pale, lost. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, envelope her in his strength and let her lean on him, let her draw on whatever good parts of him were left. He didn’t. Instead he sat down a few feet away, on the opposite end of the couch. He wanted to give her space, time to process and time to think. He didn’t want to force her into his touch, a touch she’d made it pretty clear through her absence she didn’t want.
She slowly turned her head, as though she’d just noticed he’d come back into the room. Her lashes were soaked and they clung together in thick clumps. They looked darker, when they were wet.
“My sister died.”
The words were so matter of fact, said without hesitation, thrust into the room, into a land of terrible being, that Kian was momentarily taken aback. He leaned against the couch cushions, letting them support the burden of his weight while his head spun.
“I’m sorry… what?”
Katelyn laughed again, that horrible short burst of sound. “That’s what I thought. All it took was a few minutes. The call. Some lawyer, my sister’s lawyer just called me. One minute I was standing, the next I was on the floor. I don’t remember it happening. She said Dinah had an aneurysm. That was it. Just one day my sister is there, the next she’s not. And I didn’t even know it. I didn’t know anything was wrong. Didn’t sense one damn thing. And even now… it’s so hard to feel like it’s real. I can’t… process it.”
Fuck. He knew it was bad, but this? Katelyn didn’t deserve this. No one did. No one should have to walk through the death of their loved ones, losing them when they were so young.
“Katelyn, I…” his tongue swelled up and his mouth was suddenly stuffed full of an unrelenting thickness that refused to be swallowed. “There… aren’t any- words,” he finally forced out lamely.
“No,” she whispered, lost. Her eyes took on that spacey, faraway look, like she was already retreating inside the shell of herself. “I’ve become a mother now. At least, some kind of pseudo parent.”
That floored him. “What?” He pushed out the word on a hard rush of air, aware how utterly unintelligent and uncompassionate it sounded.
“Yes. My sister had a daughter. My niece. Of course she’s my niece… it was the lawyer calling me. I said that. God. Dinah left Isabella’s care to me. I’m her guardian. A poor substitute for her own mother, for the mother she’ll never have back. Whatever you want to call it. She’s three. She probably doesn’t even understand what happened any more than I do…”
“Katelyn…”
She held up a hand, stemming his flood of pity. Or empathy, condolences. Whatever it was, she didn’t want it. “No. I… I remember saying something to you, when we fought. I accused you of making up that story about the accident to… get laid.” She blinked hard and a fresh sheen of tears started in her red tinted blue eyes. “Jesus. How could I have said that? How could I have been so cruel?”
“No…” Kian shook his head. “Sometimes people say shit when they’re angry.”
“That doesn’t excuse it. If someone ever said something like that to me- about- Dinah… I would- I don’t know what I would do.” She turned to him, eyes begging, begging him for something he couldn’t give. She needed him. The look in her eyes made it so very damn clear. She’d stayed away because she needed him so very badly.
As badly as he needed her.
He froze when she moved closer. Her hand reached out. It was a wooden, mechanical motion. His hand rested on his lap and slowly, her palm covered it. Her hand was so damn cold and he felt the heat leave him, get sucked up into the vortex of her body.
“I’m so alone, Kian.” That little lost girl look was back. Her voice was so very small. He barely got the upper hand of the fierce desire that ripped through him. Not a sexual desire, but a desire to protect her. To fight her battles, to keep her safe from the pain and unfairness of life. “How am I supposed to replace Dinah? How am I supposed to just become a mother? I feel like my entire life has changed for the worst.”
“I know, honey,” he said softly. He lost the battle then. He gave up fighting and shifted, wrapping his arm around her thin shoulders. There was strength there too, under that fragility. She just had to find it. “I might be the worst person on earth for you right now. I might be fucked up, but I sure as hell know what you’re going through.”
“Going through,” she echoed. She turned into him and stared up, a little of the vacant space starting to fill up in those sweet blue depths. “Yes. You’ve gone through it all. I… I hung up the phone and I came over here. Despite everything, you were the first person I thought of. I need you, Kian. I need you in my life. Maybe it’s not right. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense. Who fucking cares? I’m done with trying to figure it out. My sister is… dead. She was alive and now she’s just- gone and no one has years and years to try and make up their minds or unfuck the mess they’ve made of everything. I just…”
Kian swallowed hard past the painful lump in his throat. His heart felt like a rock, slamming in his chest, pummeling his ribs over and over. “You need someone.” His voice was strained. He knew that someone couldn’t be him. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t risk tainting her life. Right now, when she was vulnerable, she didn’t know what she truly meant…
He was surprised when she pulled away and shook her head violently. Her eyes widened and some of that light that used to be there appeared. “No. No, don’t you say that! Don’t try that! Don’t back out on me now. I don’t care how fucked up you are. I don’t care what you might have done in the past. We’re here now. You and me. We’ve been here since we met each other. You’re not leaving my head or my heart. I don’t need someone. I need you. No more running. No more trying to justify it or make sense of it. I just- accept it. I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t want to be just friends or fuck buddies. I want you. All of you. All your painful parts too. Everything that you think I can’t accept. Because, guess what? I’m heading down the same road. The same road you were walking and I sure as hell need you to pull me off it. Pull me off and start a new path. A path where happiness and love still exist. You need it too. You need it just as badly. So instead of walking our own shitty, pothole filled roads, let’s just pick each other up and find a better path. Together. I’m ready. I’ll be anything you need, when you need it.”
Wow. My angel. My angel is a damn fighter. Katelyn had gone from looking lost and afraid, scared and so very uncertain, to utterly determined. She was the kind of person who didn’t hide from life, even when she wanted to. Even when it hurt a hell of a lot less to do so. She wasn’t going to let this break her. This monumental loss.
The next words out of his mouth were even more shocking. “I’ll go back to London with you. I’ll support you in anything you need.” God, those words were a promise, a promise that they both needed so very badly. He hadn’t meant to say it, but once he did, he wasn’t taking it back. There was no going back. He wanted to move forward. “I don’t believe in fate. I don’t think there’s much I do actually believe in any more, but I believe in this. You were sent to me that night. I remember opening my eyes and staring up at you, thinking you were an angel. I’ve always thought that. That’s what I call you in my head, my angel. You are everything I didn’t know I needed, exactly when I needed it.”
He waited. She blinked. The moments ticked by in hard, awkward, pain filled silence. He braced for rejection. He’d gone and shocked even himself, laid it all out there, every hope and dream he never had the courage to even think of, let alone reach out and grab.
Kian watched Katelyn’s face. His heart leapt when that light in her eyes grew even stronger. She didn’t smile and her eyes filled up with fresh tears, but he knew exactly what it was she was feeling. Or at least, he thought he did. This was so different than his experience. He’d made sure he hadn’t had anyone at all. In the process of walling himself up so tight, he’d shut everyone out. Shut out his own healing.
“You know, it’s crazy, but so is life. You can never have anything figured out. I’ve had enough bends in my roads, hurtful things, painful things, things that have taught me lessons I suppose I needed to learn. Please, if you’re going to offer this now, please let it be different. If we do this, we have to do it together. There is no bailing. We are going to have a child involved. A child, Kian. I need you to walk by my side. I need you to talk together with me and not pull away when it gets hard. God, it’s already hard. I need you, but I’ll only accept your offer if it’s true and if it’s real. I know you’re sincere, I don’t doubt that, but I need to know you’re not going to bail on me when we have a fight or when you’d rather be alone or when the hurt is too much to bear. I need to know you’ll lean on me, not rip away from me.”
Jesus. “I… Katelyn…” He scrubbed a hand hard, over his cheeks, over his own misty eyes and down again, smoothing the length of his thick black beard. “You’re right. The rest of the world might not believe it, or believe in us, but the rest of the world doesn’t usually get it. What we have is special. It means everything to both of us. I never thought I’d get a second chance. At life. At love. At a family. At anything, and here I am, an angel in my arms. It’s not going to be easy. Nothing ever is. You were right when you said this is the worst time in your life. Grief takes so much energy and time, but it does heal. You can come out on the other side of it. It’s taken me a long time to learn that it’s okay to walk with it hand in hand. That the pain doesn’t ever leave, but it does dim. The love you had for the ones you lost doesn’t ever fade. That’s what is so important to hang onto. All the good memories. Since I met you, I can actually focus on that. You are the light in my life. I swear to you, if you take this leap with me, this journey, I will stand with you. I’ll be your rock, even if you wish sometimes that I’d just get the hell out of your way and out of your hair and leave you alone.”
She blinked and those tears ripening in her eyes spilled down her pale cheeks. “I would never wish that. Ever. I… don’t know if it makes sense to say I love you, but I do. You’re right. No one will understand, but they don’t need to. Only we do. If we promise each other we’ll work at it until we either get there or it becomes so apparent that we can’t-”
“We’ll get there, Katelyn. We’ll fucking get there.” Kian couldn’t wait any longer. He pulled her into his arms, all hard, masculine strength. He slammed a hot kiss down on her mouth, not because he wanted her physically, though he did, but because he needed to seal the vow he’d just made with something. He needed to give her his everything, his body, his life, his soul. She’d have it. He pulled away, breathing heavily. “I don’t do anything halfway. We’ll make it. We’ll make it through and we’ll become a family, somehow. One day, when we’re ancient we’ll look back on this moment and we’ll wonder at the fact that we could have doubted.”
“I don’t doubt. Sometimes you just know, through everything, that you’re with the one your heart truly belongs with. You are mine, Kian. We’ll figure out what that means together.”
“Together,” he promised. He ran his hand over Katelyn’s delicate, honey hair as she leaned into him, drawing at last, on the strength he had to offer.
Their words, their vow of sorts, hung in the air between them. Together.
He’d never believed redemption was possible. Even at this point in her life, one of her most pain filled, lowest, hardest moments to walk through, she redeemed him. If that didn’t make her an angel, he didn’t know what did. She was his angel, his, and he knew that he wouldn’t let go of her ever again.
The End