Chapter Ten

Vargas held still and continued softly running his hand up and down Seth’s back. A minute passed. Then another.

Eventually Seth’s body relaxed against him. “He’s in prison.”

Vargas offered another gentle caress. “He is.”

“He won’t get out.”

“He won’t.”

“Okay.”

Vargas waited for any sign that Seth needed space, that he needed him to back off, but this was the first time he’d ever held him like that, and he didn’t want to let go.

Not then.

Not ever.

The realization hit him with such intensity that he had to force the thought from his mind. Seth needed him right then.

Seth drew in a long breath and sat up. “I’m okay now.” He reached for the tablet on his lap like he was going to pick out a movie. Instead he said, “I was thinking. When I’m done with my PT, maybe I should take a self-defense class.”

“That sounds like a great idea.” Vargas hesitated. “But it wasn’t your fault that he took you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah.” Seth looked to him. “I know.” He picked up the iPad and silently examined the selection of movies. Vargas wasn’t sure Seth was paying attention to what was on the screen until he snickered. “You’ve got the entire first season of Queer as Folk on here.”

“I may have watched it a few times.”

“Oh man, I bought the DVDs when I was in high school. Every week when my parents were at bible study, I’d put it on and watch until the minute they got back. I had the sex scenes memorized.”

Vargas shook his head. “You and I had very different teenage years.”

Seth returned the tablet to his lap. “Why do you say that?”

“I never even saw two men kiss until I was nineteen.”

“Really? Who was the first guy you were with?”

He hesitated, unsure if this conversation was a good idea right then.

Seth nudged him in the side. “Please just talk to me like a normal person. You’ve always done that.”

Vargas gave a nod. “It was my mom’s next-door neighbor.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He was a real estate agent. I was home for the summer from college, and he paid me to clean his pool. One day when he came home early from work, he changed out of his suit into swim trunks and sat in a lounge chair by the pool, watching me work. I knew right away what he wanted with me, and it was a hell of a rush knowing a guy was into me like that. I’d never experienced anything like it before. It wasn’t long and he had his hand down his shorts, touching himself, staring me down as I kept on cleaning the pool. Less than an hour later, I was on that chair with him, his dick in my mouth.”

Seth grinned at him. “That sounds like the setup to some cheesy porn.”

Vargas laughed. “Yeah, it does.”

Seth intently watched him, waiting for him to go on.

“Shitty thing, though, the guy was married. He’s still married to her. He’s got three kids, several grandkids now. He still lives in the same house next to my mom.” Vargas paused and considered that. “I see him sometimes when I visit her. Man, he always looks miserable. He’ll spot me across the lawn and just stare at me with this dismal longing. I feel bad for him, but mostly all I can think is… that could’ve been me. If I hadn’t wanted to accept who I was, if I’d ended up married to a woman, my life would be completely different, and I probably would’ve hurt a lot of innocent people along the way.”

“Is that why you opened the Haven?”

He didn’t want to talk about the club like that. Not with Seth. He gestured to the iPad. “Let’s watch something.”

“Okay.” Seth picked up the device and browsed the collection. Several swipes across the screen later, he said, “Can I ask you another question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you have any brothers and sisters?”

“I did. A couple of years after my mom had me, she delivered twins. Both boys. But they were born too early. They didn’t live long.”

“God, I’m sorry. That’s awful.”

“Yeah. Especially for my mom. I think losing those babies broke a part of her that—” He stopped. What the hell was he thinking?

“That would never heal?” Seth offered.

“Maybe heal isn’t the right word.”

“Maybe it is.”

Before Vargas could say anything to that, Seth asked, “Do you remember your brothers?”

“No. I was only two at the time.”

Seth nodded. “My little sister died when we were kids. She had a heart defect. They couldn’t fix it.”

“I’m sorry. She’s the one in the picture in the living room?”

“Yeah.”

“She liked unicorns?”

He bobbed his head again and gave Vargas an appreciative glance. “They were hers. After she died, I hid them in a box in the attic. A few years ago, I snuck in when my parents were gone so I could get them. I knew they’d never let me have the unicorns if I told them why I was there.”

“That completely sucks you had to do it that way.”

He shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but that was a lie to lessen the pain. Vargas feared that Seth was getting skilled at that act.

“She was so sweet. Back then, she was the only one I could really be myself around. We played together all the time. I had a train set, and we’d sit her dolls on top of the cars and pretend they were on parade floats. Sometimes we’d put them in gowns and walk them along the banister on the second floor like they were on a runway. She never made me feel like I was a freak for what I liked or how I acted. She was the one person in my life that I knew without a doubt loved me just the way I was. After she died, my parents hated me even more.”

He snorted as if that were funny. “That was long before I ever told them I was gay. I guess they knew before I did, and they thought they’d get proactive with their homophobia. I thought after I was gone for a while they’d miss me and see how wrong they were. I’ve tried to go visit them a couple of times, tried to say and do what I thought would please my dad, but it’s always a disaster.”

And he’d ended up living on the streets because of those pricks. Vargas wanted to track them down and give them a piece of his mind for everything they’d done to Seth, everything they’d made him go through on his own.

“You deserved better. A hell of a lot better.”

“I always figured if those were the parents I had to have to get my sister, then it was worth it. Besides, I found a better family than them. When I first met Toby, he and I just clicked. We were both trying to stay clean and get off the streets. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him. Or Ryder and Georgia. Once I moved in next to them, I felt like I had a real family.”

Vargas wanted to tell Seth that he’d never be alone again. He wanted to hold him and make promises that he wasn’t sure he could even find the words for.

Just then Charlie returned and got on the bed to lie beside Seth again. Seth stroked his fur. “My sister used to beg our parents for a dog. Constantly. For one of her birthdays, they got her a stuffed dog instead. They didn’t get how much that would disappoint her. She cried all that night. But starting the next morning, she dragged that little dog everywhere with her. One day when I was really missing her, I went to the animal shelter and got Charlie. He was just a puppy, this excited ball of energy, and I knew she would’ve loved him.”

“Her stuffed dog was named Charlie?”

Seth turned his head in surprise. “It was.”

“What was her name?”

“Victoria.”

“That’s pretty.”

“I used to think if I ever had a daughter, I’d name her that.”

“You want kids?”

He shrugged. “I used to think about it sometimes. About the ways I’d be different than them with my kids.”

“What changed?”

He said nothing for a moment, then, “Everything.”

“Seth, you’re going to make a great father. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Don’t give them that power.”

“Yeah. I know.” He refocused on the iPad. “How about this one?” He handed over the device and pointed to a movie. A comedy.

“Sounds good.” Reluctantly Vargas clicked to start the film.

Five minutes in, Seth spoke again. “Vargas?”

“Yeah?”

“Was it okay that I kissed you?”

Vargas tapped the screen to pause the movie. “It was more than okay. It was perfect.”

That got him a smile. Seth settled into the pillows and pointed at the iPad. “Press play.”

Vargas started the movie again. A few minutes later, he got up the courage and asked, “Seth, would it be okay if I held your hand?”

Seth turned to look up at him and nodded. He held out his hand, and Vargas laced their fingers together.

Halfway through the movie, Seth’s head landed on Vargas’s shoulder, and a slight huff of air blew across his chest with each exhale. Despite the stiff shoulders and knot in his lower back, Vargas stayed perfectly still as he let the movie play to the end. When it was over, he shut the iPad off and remained motionless. He really should’ve been headed back to the couch, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

Seth still had his hand in his, and during the last half of the movie, Seth had turned his entire body inward so the side of his face was pressed along Vargas’s upper arm. His lips were parted, a relaxed, contented expression on his face. Vargas’s chest grew tight with each detail he took in.

There was no denying it any longer. This wasn’t just about a kiss. Or anything more. This wasn’t even about being what Seth needed or helping him get over any fears of intimacy.

This wasn’t merely about friendship either.

It hadn’t been for some time. Vargas had been fooling himself to think otherwise.

The way he wanted to be there for Seth, to protect him, comfort him, to touch him and be with him like in his dreams, it was all more than what he felt for the other men who’d been kidnapped from his club. He’d do anything he could to help the others, but with Seth, it was different.

God help him. It was completely different.

He was in love with Seth.

Vargas dropped his head back to the headboard behind him and whispered to the ceiling. “Fuck.”