After the failed conversation with my dad, I walk down the street deep in thought. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I feel unsettled and lost and I feel this way all the time. There is not or has not been a time in my life when I didn’t feel like this. Except. Except when I am with Him. Chip. When I am with him, I feel…. well everything. I don’t need to have a direction, because he does, and I simply want to follow him. When I am with him I never want to be anywhere else.
But, I do run from him every chance I get. It’s not because I don’t want what he can give me. It’s because I want it too much and I am five years older than him. What will people think? My family is the prominent family in this small town. And for me to be frolicking around with a teenager basically and doing…well the things we would be doing…. I just…. I can’t.
Deep in thought about what I want versus what I can’t have, I run into a brick wall. Or at least it feels like one from the hard way it pushes me back. When hands reach out to break my fall and a deep voice tells me to “Walk with your head up little dove”, my body begins to quake, and my heart tries to leap out of my chest. My traitorous body knows when the one I crave is near and it demands I answer.
Looking up into his beautiful haunting eyes I try to turn from him but find myself clinging to him and I start bawling. I have no clue why, right at this moment I let out all the emotions I have been holding in. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that I do.
“Dove are you ok? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?” He asks. And with each question his voice gets harder and harder, making me cry even more. To finally have someone who cares enough about me and are willing to fight for me is foreign. But it feels so fucking good. I am unable to respond with my mouth, therefore forcing me to simply cling to him harder and hoping he hears what I cannot say, ‘Please don’t let me go’.
“My dove. You need me to hold you, don’t you?” It’s Not really a question, but I find myself nodding anyway.
“As happy as that makes me dove, you have to say it. You have been running from me for a long time now. If you want me to finally make you mine and show you what that means, you will need to say it. Tell me you want me. Want us and all that it entails.”
When everything he is asking of me starts to sink in I begin to pull back but don’t get far. He grabs my wrists.
“Not anymore dove. Stop running from me. From us. Fuck what everyone else thinks. How much good has it done you this far? What has being YOU gotten you besides a fucked up reputation and a bunch of mooching ass, fake ass friends. Is that what you think of yourself? Do you think that is all you deserve out of life? Are you going to give up and be who they want you to be? Or are you finally going to take your life back?”
My initial response is resistance. I try to wrench my wrists out of his hands, but his hold on me is so tight there is no going anywhere. Both, figuratively and physically. I beat at his chest, crying and sobbing because everything he said is everything I have been thinking. To hear someone else say it hurts and frees me at the same time. But am I strong enough for it?
“You don’t have to be strong enough baby. That is my job. Give me what I want, and I will stand between you and everything.”
Tired. Emotionally drained and defeated, I ask. “What do you want from me, Chip?”
“Your surrender.” I look into his eyes and all I see is desire and love. No recusals, disgust, indifference, or any other negative thing I am used to being confronted with from everyone else. He sees….me. How can I possibly run from that anymore?
The truth is… for the past three months he has been there whenever I have needed him. Even when I didn’t ask him to be. He has even saved me from me.
After the club incident, I was feeling angry with myself for even going. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because I was putting my family’s reputation at risk. Thus, putting myself in the line of fire again and I felt stupid. I started looking for something to latch onto to make me feel…something…anything and when I saw Rosalind walking down the street I chose her. I mean, why not? She is new here and within a few weeks she manages to snag Max’s attention, which thoroughly pisses me off. Especially, since the last person he was with was me and I spent all this time making myself believe I left such an impression on him he was pining.
Of course, I knew it wasn’t true. But it was all I had. So, when I saw her walking down the street I went after her. Out of the blue in comes Chip. He singlehandedly takes me in hand, lets me have it without any inflection in his voice, and before I realize what is happening, I am apologizing to her.
I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me a better person. Or at least, to want to be one.
I look up at him and decide right then I want to try. I want to be happy, and to be loved and cared for. I don’t want to be lost or to have to find my way on my own.
I take a deep breath and let it out. Here goes nothing.
“I want it, Chip. I want it all. Make me yours.”