Chapter 5
Jace
Cami, Cami, Cami.
Why the hell can’t I get Cameron Drew out of my head?
She’s been back for all of twenty-four hours and I’ve already gone crazy. Since the second I walked out of her apartment last night, I wanted to turn right around and go to her.
The only problem is that I don’t know what I want. Do I go back and hold her, apologize, and tell her I’ll never leave her side, or do I go back there and lose my shit about where the fuck she’s been over the last seven months?
I sit at my desk at the new Rebels Advocate club in the city. Me and the boys bought this place and have turned it into the next big thing. It’s been officially open for four months now and it’s so far been incredible.
There was a shit load of work to put into it and I volunteered myself to stay here full time while we got the place up and running. We’ve hired a whole heap of staff and have had to iron out a few kinks, but after putting the effort in, it’s really starting to pay off.
We’ve had so many inquiries and new members joining that I’ve had to put on a third administrator to help keep things running with all the paperwork that comes along with each new member.
The joy of that is with everything up and running, I can finally start reducing the hours I put in here and get back to my home club. I mean, I love this new club, but this isn’t where my clients are. It’s not where my friends are, and it takes a fucking hour to get here each morning.
Though, it came at a good time. The new Rebels Advocate has kept me so busy over the last few months that it was able to keep my mind off a certain woman… well, for the most part, it has. Don’t get me wrong, every time I stepped away from my desk, she was right there, so I did my best to bury myself under a mountain of work, and it’s paid off.
We have a handful of trainers who the boys and I have handpicked due to their skills in MMA and their experience as trainers. We have some new fighters who have the potential to make it in the MMA world, but time will tell with that. We have the regular personal trainers who have put together a killer schedule for group classes which have so far been really popular, and we have a constant string of new faces walking through the door.
Though, what’s best is when those people walk through the door for the first time, getting to see the look of astonishment on their faces as they take it all in. I mean, Rebels Advocate is not your regular gym. It’s fucking epic and the second you walk in, that fact is crystal clear.
When you walk in, you can feel the family vibe, though it’s not as strong as the vibe you get from the original Rebels Advocate, but it will come with time.
It’s past eight at night when I pack everything up and get out of here. The doors don’t close until eleven, but a few of the trainers will be staying late and freeing my night up.
I say a quick goodbye and make sure they have everything sorted for the night before heading out the door.
As I sit in my truck and drive the hour back home, I find myself desperate to go to her, but I can’t, so instead, I pull into The Dark Room.
As I walk through the door, I find Rylee working behind the bar so I start making my way over there. I resist saying anything about the fact that she’s eight months pregnant and should be sitting down, rather than working a bar, but no matter what I say, or Cole for that matter, she’s going to do what she wants to do.
Rylee and I have had a bit of a strained relationship lately. At first, she blamed me for Cami leaving, and to be honest, I blame myself too, but the longer she was gone, the less angry Rylee became with me and the more she became with Cami. Now, we’re just about on the same page, though, she’ll never forgive me for breaking Cami’s heart.
“What are you doing here?” she questions as I drop into the bar stool before her.
“Drowning in my sorrows” I grunt.
Rylee reaches under the bar and pulls out a glass before filling it up and sliding it in front of me. “Yeah,” she says with a sigh. “She came to see me today.”
I look up and raise an eyebrow. “How’d that go?”
“Not great,” she says as she busily goes about her bar. “I could have been a bit nicer.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Oh?” she grunts as she looks up at me. “You’ve seen her already?”
“Yeah, she came by Rebels yesterday looking for Cole and well… I couldn’t help but be an ass. I had my niece with me and she thought she was mine. I didn’t correct her,” I explain. “I let her think I’d had a kid.”
“Shit, Jace,” she says with a sigh. “Were you trying to tear her heart out and squish it?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a shrug. “I was just so pissed off with her.”
“I can imagine,” she says. “Why was she looking for Cole?”
“Some dickhead was squatting in her apartment. She got home to find him there and couldn’t get him out,” I explain. “You should have seen it, he absolutely trashed her place.”
Rylee presses her lips together as she leans forward on her bar. “So, you’re telling me, after flying home from wherever the hell she’s been, she found a squatter, her place was trashed, you’ve yelled at her, she thinks you’ve got a kid, and I’ve been a bitch?”
I cringe. I hadn’t quite thought of it that way. “Here,” I say, sliding my empty glass back across the bar towards her. “Give me a few more of these.”
“Why?” she questions with furrowed brows as she takes the glass and begins refilling it.
“I need a reason not to drive over there tonight,” I explain before digging in my pocket for my phone and giving her that as well. “You better take this too.”
She slides the glass back across to me and grabs my phone off the bar. “In that case, drink up.” I do as I’m told but she doesn’t take her eyes off me. “I know I’m angry at her right now and it may seem like I don’t give a shit, but you better stay away from her, because I swear to God, Jace, if you break her heart again, I’m going to break you.”
“Staying away from her is not that easy,” I tell her.
“I swear, Jace,” she repeats. “I’ll break you.”
I hold up both my hands in surrender. “Alright,” I say. “I’ll stay away.”
Her eyes study me for a moment before finally deciding she must like what she sees. “Here,” she says before sliding a shot glass filled with who the fuck knows across the bar. “You better drink this. Cami’s had a shitty time and the last thing she needs is you barging through her door.”
“Agreed,” I grunt before taking the shot and throwing it down. Ahhh. Bourbon, my old friend.
The night goes on just like that. Rylee busily tends to her bar while continuously pouring drinks down my throat in her attempts to keep my ass glued to the seat. She tells me all about her pregnancy and I do my best to listen in to all the gory details. It doesn’t go unnoticed that this is probably all the shit she should have been telling Cami over the past few months, but I sit and listen. After all, had it not been for my actions, Cami would have been here.
It must be past midnight when a familiar voice clears beside me. “What the fuck is going on here?”
I turn towards the sound and find my best friend, Luke, hovering beside the bar, watching me and Rylee in amusement. “What the fuck is going on with you?” I throw back at him.
“Shit,” he grunts before looking up at Rylee. “How much has he drunk?”
Rylee pulls out the nearly empty bottle of bourbon and places it down before me. “I needed to keep him away from Cami,” she explains.
“Jesus,” Luke groans. “Thanks for calling. I wouldn’t want him driving like this.”
Rylee nods. “Yep, just get him out of here before he throws up all over my bar.”
“You got it,” Luke laughs before hoisting me up to my feet.
“I want to stay,” I tell Luke. “Rylee was just explaining something about eating her placenta.”
“Ugh,” Luke grunts in disgust before turning back to Rylee with a questioning look. “What the fuck is he talking about?”
She shrugs her shoulders and grins at him, enjoying the way he cringes in distaste. “I saw it on the Kardashians.”
Luke shakes his head in exasperation and Rylee chuckles to herself. He says bye and I turn to Rylee with a salute. “See you ‘round,” I say giggling at the joke as I look down at her round stomach. “It’s been a pleasure.”
She rolls her eyes and allows Luke to pull me away. “How ya going, man?” I say as he leads me out the door.
“You tell me,” he grunts. “I was in bed with my woman when Rylee called to drive your drunk ass home.”
“Oh, so…. not good then?” I question.
He shakes his head as we reach his truck and get ourselves in. “What’s going on with you?” he questions. “You’ve been an ass all day and now you’re fucked up.”
“Cami’s back,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I know,” he grunts. “Lex has been with her all night. That’s no excuse to start acting like a dickhead.”
“I yelled at her.”
“Ok…,” he says slowly.
“I’m going to yell at her again.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he groans. “You’re not going to yell at her. You’re going to move the fuck on.”
“Move on,” I scoff. Does this fucker not know who he’s talking about? “If I was going to move on, I would have done it two fucking years ago. Cami is not a girl you move on from.”
“Right, then go and be with her. You know, if she’ll have you after the hell you put her through.”
“I can’t,” I demand. I mean, he fucking knows this.
“Why the fuck not?” he argues. “You’re being an idiot. Either be with her and be happy or forget about her and let her move on. Stop doing this in between bullshit. You’re both fucking miserable.”
I want to argue and say that I’m not miserable, just to be a stubborn asshole, but he’s right. I’ve been miserable for two fucking years. I sit in silence, looking out the window. If only things were different, I would have had my girl right by my side.
“I don’t get it, man,” Luke says, breaking the silence. “What’s holding you back?”
“I’m no good for her. She deserves better.”
“Come on,” he groans. “Not this bullshit again.”
“You don’t fucking get it,” I snap.
“What’s there not to get?” he demands. “You’re throwing something away that could be fucking great.”
“Don’t you think I get that?” I tell him. “I’m a fucking monster. She doesn’t need me in her life fucking things up.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
I shake my head. I can’t talk about. I can’t admit to my best friend what kind of man I am. He’ll never think the same of me. I’m supposed to be this worthy soldier, but I’m nothing but a fraud. A fucking dangerous, unpredictable, fraud.
I can’t let him know that three years ago I beat my father to within an inch of his life. I put him in a fucking coma for two months. My loving father. He didn’t do a damn thing to deserve it. One minute I was fine, talking about mom’s birthday with him over the grill, the next thing I know, I’m holding him down, beating the ever-loving shit out of him.
I fucking blanked out and three years later, it’s still happening. I haven’t wanted to label it and admit that I have a problem, but my gut is telling me it’s PTSD. I know I need to get help, but something is always pulling me back.
Since then, it happens every few weeks, though luckily, I haven’t hurt anyone since my father, or well, I haven’t that I know of. Maybe it was a once off or maybe it’s happening all the time and I just have no fucking idea. Either way, it terrifies me.
So how could a man like me be around a woman like Cami?
What if that had been her? What if I was too close to her and lost my shit?
What if I hurt her?
I could never be with her. I could never risk her safety or her life like that.
Luke and I sit in silence the rest of the way home. He doesn’t try to bring up Cami again and I’m thankful. I don’t want to yell at him again when all he’s looking out for is both of our happiness. I know I should tell him, but I just can’t.
Luke has been through way too much and has suffered his own trauma. He doesn’t need to deal with this shit too.
He pulls up at my place and I go to get out. “Thanks,” I murmur.
“Yeah,” he grunts. “Go sleep it off. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
I nod, and with that, he pulls out of my drive and disappears.
I make my way inside, feeling like absolute shit. I’m fucking tired and all I want to do is lose myself in Cami. I collapse down onto my bed, wishing there was some kind of way to change things. That I could magically click my fingers and everything would be ok. I’d have my girl by my side and she’d have everything she ever wanted, but I know it will never happen.
So, for now, I close my eyes and imagine she’s here, just like I do every other fucking night.