8

Suz

 

 

The House the Jack Built, Bethesda, Maryland

 

 

Suz leaned back against the headrest in her car and stared at the back wall of her garage. Loneliness was the thick grey that cloaked her, making her feel cold and damp and incapable of not chattering her teeth. Alone. Now that she was going to break it off with Jack, even the friends she had made at Iniquus and the Iniquus support system would be gone from her life.

Yup, alone.

Suz realized she still had her car in gear and shifted to park. Her hand reached out for the keys; her mind was back in sunny California.

She and Jack had been dating for a year—which really worked out to about four months of physically being together because of Jack’s deployments–when Jack had proposed. And she had said no. He was a SEAL of which she was immensely proud. But because he was a SEAL she had to say no.

Suz had watched the SEALs with their families, and the warriors were excellent fathers—when they were around. Which wasn’t much. The women who married those men were strong and independent and could carry the family on their own two shoulders. Suz didn’t feel like she was that caliber of woman. She didn’t meet the SEAL-wife qualifications for endurance and bravery.

And too, Suz’s dad had weighed heavily on her heart when she thought about picking the man who would father her children. The relationship she had had with her dad was very special to her. They had been close, two peas in a pod. One day, he had a heart attack at work, fell down the stairs, and that’s what killed him instantly, blunt force trauma to the head. He was gone from her life without a moment’s notice. No time to say good bye. No time to tell him once again how precious he was to her and how deeply she loved him. Just gone and never coming back. Suz couldn’t do that to her future children. They deserved a father who was home.

She turned off the ignition and reached for her purse, wondering who had found it in her classroom after she fled, and how it had made its way back to her. She was going to have to throw it out; it smelled heavily of smoke.

Get out of the car Suz, go inside.

She pulled up on the handle and pushed her shoulder into the door.

Suz needed her dad in that moment. She wanted to put her head on his shoulder and for him to tell her that everything was okay. That her heart would someday mend from loving Jack, and she could love again.

“Oh!” Suz gasped aloud. That thought froze her in place. A stabbing brightness of pain shot through her. That any man could fill her heart like Jack did–how could that be? It seemed absolutely impossible. Yet, she knew, had known since she had first said no to Jack’s proposal, that a life as Jack’s wife while he was a SEAL was not a life she could live. Being an Iniquus operative was almost the same thing. As devastating as it was to admit, Jack would be better off in someone else’s arms. Someone who had the fortitude to send her husband off–each time knowing that might well be their final good-bye.

She couldn’t live with this level of pain. She was afraid she’d start anesthetizing her anxiety with alcohol or pharmaceuticals. She’d considered it. Yoga and meditation just weren’t strong enough antidotes for this amount of angst over this long a time. Yup, that last fear-filled drive to Suburban Hospital, to find out how badly injured Jack really was, ended it for her. Of that she was sure.

If she wasn’t going to be in a relationship with Jack, she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. She couldn’t hide out in a safe house under Iniquus protection. Their protection was part and parcel to being involved with Jack.

Suz’s eye caught on a bird flying outside the garage door. She was so glad to be home. What would her father say to her if he knew that four people had been shot dead not a hundred steps from her classroom door, and that someone had wanted to hurt one of her kids so badly that they would use C-4 to bypass the spikes that she had pushed into the flooring? Suz slammed her car door shut.

Suz wondered again which of her students had been the target. She stopped, her hand on the Volvo’s roof, her mind brought up pictures of each little face. She considered her kids and their backgrounds and none of them made much sense. . .

Moving zombie-like out of the open bay, Suz was on auto-pilot when she fobbed the doors locked. Zombie-like. She let that word roll around in her consciousness as she moved down the sidewalk. It felt like Dementors had sucked her soul right out of her mouth; her body was animated but she was absent.

Suz was so relieved that the TV crews that had been spotted here by the ISO were now gone. She guessed they figured she wouldn’t be going back to this house after Hound News outed her as a CIA operative and her cover had been blown. That was the most absurd part of this whole experience. Jack would be laughing so hard at the idea. Obviously, Lisa and Berry had never seen her at the gun range, leaning over a toilet, vomiting up her anxiety about the sound and the smell and the lethality of the weapons. CIA. Ridiculous.

Suz pushed the key into the lock and let herself in. Her house was oddly still without her pups. Someone from Iniquus would bring them back sometime before lunch. She glanced down at her watch as she moved to the couch. Soon, she thought and flopped down. She wished her sisters were with her. Suz was so far from her family and friends. They were all in California, which seemed like the ends of the Earth right now.

When Suz had turned down Jack’s marriage proposal, and he had listened to her reasons, Jack, being Jack, had developed a compromise. He would leave the SEALs–something that Suz would never have asked of him—and take a job along with Striker Rheas, a former SEAL and brother in arms, at Iniquus. Iniquus was a private military support group out of Washington DC. She would move to DC with him and wear her engagement ring on her right ring finger until she felt comfortable moving that ring to her left hand and marrying him.

“Or I decide I still can’t marry you.” The words hurt to say, and she could tell they hurt Jack to hear them.

Suz had always felt that the phrase was true “happy wife, happy life.” She also thought it was wrongly interpreted. It wasn’t up to the guy to make sure his wife was happy after the marriage. Sure, he should aim to make his spouse happy; they both should. But really, what Suz thought that phrase was all about was that everyone should marry someone who was already happy. Happy with who they were. Happy with how both people fit together, how they worked together. In other words, if they were happy going into a life-time commitment the chances for a happy life had a much better chance of happening. On the other hand, if a girl abided by the Disney princesses’ tropes that they could lead these miserable lives and suddenly some guy was going to swoop in, kiss them, and make things magical and perfect? Whew! That just seemed all kinds of wrong.

Suz believed herself to be a better person than that. A more modern person than that. She had never wanted Jack to be her knight in shining armor. Though he certainly fit the bill. She pictured Jack in his dress uniform, his shoulder brightly decorated with his ribbons of valor.

Suz lifted her hand and stared at the diamond in her engagement ring. It was clouded and had dirt packed into the prongs from her time in the woods. She let her hand drop.

Jack didn’t re-up with his unit; instead, he signed papers with Iniquus. Suz, as her part of this compromise, left all of her life-long friends and her family behind. When they arrived in Washington DC, they were both in pain. It sucked for both of them. But quickly Jack was back to jumping into hot spots and nabbing hostages from the brink of death, doing what he was trained to do. What he loved to do. And she? Read a lot of books. Took a lot of walks and hot baths. She threw herself into being the best teacher she could be for her students. Making friends here was harder than she had thought it would be.

One night at the extended-stay hotel where she was living until she found some place suitable, Suz had brought up her feelings of isolation. They were discussing some article Jack had read, and were speculating on the real chances of an actual zombie apocalypse. “According to the article,” Jack had said, “there are eight parasites that we know turn animals into zombies. There’s the drug-addicted ant slaves, and the zombie caterpillars that plant themselves, and there’s even a tape worms that ends up inside of stickleback fish that make the fish leave their schools and swim to the warmer water that is preferred by the tape worm.”

“Ew, Jack. That’s disgusting,” she said, swallowing a bite of her spaghetti with a sudden loss of appetite. “But given that, do you think it’s all that farfetched that an invasive organism would animate the dead and make those creatures want to eat our brains?”

The conversation turned into a “What would you do? Who would you want on your team?” debate. Where would they go? How would they get there? And that’s when she had started crying.

Granted, she was at a hormonal peak, with killer cramps, coupled with the knowledge that Jack had packed to go downrange into some new hot spot and was just waiting for the call to head out the door – no idea where he was going, no idea when he’d be back, just gone. And she was out of chocolate. But still. It had been embarrassing.

Jack waited for the last of her sniffles and then simply said, “You had a thought and there was a whole lot of emotional energy behind it. I bet that surprised the hell out of you.”

He was right. It had. It was a stupid thought. But then again . . .

“If there were a zombie apocalypse – enter any real-possibility disaster situation into that blank—you would grab your go-bag and go. I would be here alone. No family. Surface friends – people whom I just met. So really, would they share their last bite of food with me? What would I do? Where would I go? ‘Cause I’m really all alone.”

Jack had bundled her up in his arms and whispered against her hair. “Oh no, sweet love, I’d never put you in that position. You’re safe.” He bent to kiss her curls. “You’re part of the Iniquus family –You’re on their roster. It’s not just sentiment. It’s written into my contract. They have emergency protocol – they plan for every contingency. Trust me.” He swiveled so she could see his eyes. “You’re my priority. Okay?”

Suz tucked her head down against his chest, affirming to herself that it was a bad idea to go beyond a dating relationship with a man whose job was defined by danger; she just wasn’t emotionally strong enough. Obviously.

They were still waiting for the call for him to head out the door. And the truth was that very well could have been their last night together, so Suz made a conscious choice not to wallow. She shoved those desperation feelings down deep. She’d have plenty of time to pull them out and roll around in them after Jack took off on his assignment. In that moment, she needed Jack to see she was fine. If he was worried about her, his mind wouldn’t be on the mission – and that could prove deadly for him and his team.

“Periods suck,” she mumbled to lay the blame for her emotional outburst somewhere safe.

“They do.” He kissed the top of her head as he unwound himself from her. “Hang tight for a second. I have chocolate for you in the truck.”

Of course, he did.

Suz desperately wanted to call and talk to Jack, to listen to the reassuring warmth in his voice. But he was going to be off-limits now that she had made her decision to leave him. Suz let her eyes move around her living room. It suddenly dawned on her that she couldn’t live here anymore. She was going to have to move. Maybe even back to California, she thought, dully. This house, she had often laughed, should be called “The House that Jack Built.” His care and hard work had made it the gem that it was. It really belonged to him. How could she start a new life with a new man, living in Jack’s house? That thought made her want to sob.

When Jack came back from the mission following their zombie discussion, he invited her for a picnic. She remembered it like it was yesterday. She had worn little copper ballet slippers and a beautiful moss-colored sundress that matched her eyes and let the highlights shine their brightest in her auburn curls. The flowing skirt reached to her ankles, and Suz felt like she had stepped out of a Jane Austen novel. Jack had taken her to a park, and he was full of himself. She couldn’t put her finger on it until they had climbed out of the cab, and he pulled a backpack from the pickup’s bed.

“We’re going to play a game,” he’d said.

“What game?” Suz was on high alert. This wasn’t Jack’s normal vibe. He was. . . excited. Normally, he was very even tempered and calm; but today, his energy snapped in the air, bright and eager.

“Zombie apocalypse,” he’d said. “Remember what we were talking about before I left?”

He held the pack up for her to see.

She stared at it. It looked like a back pack. Nothing fancy or even interesting. It was grey digital camo with what looked like a solar panel clipped onto the front.

“It’s one of your birthday presents. We’re celebrating your birthday – though a few weeks late. Sorry about that.” He kissed her cheek, then made her put the pack on.

“It’s heavy,” she complained. This didn’t match her mood or her outfit. It wasn’t at all romantic. “You carry it, Jack.”

“Nope. You can do it.”

“What the heck is in here? It weighs as much as I do.”

“It’s the lightest I could make it – it’s 30lbs. I could have gone lighter, but I wanted you to have a power source, so I added that on.”

“What?” Suz was thoroughly confused.

“If you were ever in a Zombie apocalypse this is your bugout bag. You can stay happy and healthy for a week on this bag alone. And by then you could hike out of most situations. The boots make it weigh more right now, but they’ll be on your feet in an emergency.” He tapped the laces tied to the top handle, draping down the back of the pack.

“Okay, but I don’t want to be carrying it today.”

“Hang on,” he said. He went around to her back, and she could feel him tugging around. A zipper scratched closed, Jack appeared with an odd-looking phone into which, he explained, he was programming GPS coordinates that she had to follow. “First, you need to find your way to food.”

Suz was uncomfortable in the pack and ticked that Jack was hands free. But Jack was so happy that Suz did her best to be a good sport. Following the arrow indicator on the gadget, they eventually emerged from the trees at a beautiful spot overlooking a picturesque creek where a picnic blanket with pillows and a cooler filled with delicious food had been set.

They had a wonderful lunch.

“You know, I think I could handle an apocalypse if I got to have chocolate covered strawberries and moscato whenever I got hungry.” She had laughed.

He grinned and took her phone and plugged in another number. “Your next assignment is to find shelter.” They left everything from their picnic laying out which made Suz uneasy until Jack explained that he had texted one of his helpers that they were done, and he would come pick it up.

“One of them?” she asked.

Again, she was walking through the woods with the heavy pack on her back and twigs slipping into her shoes. The moscato had put her in a better mood, though. Off she went down the path following the arrow on the phone, wondering what was around the bend. Jack’s nerves were increasing, and this was so antithetical to Jack that she couldn’t help but mirror his excitement, picking up her pace and skipping along the trail.

They emerged at the edge of a neighborhood. The GPS indicated the house at the very end of a cul de sac, surrounded on three sides by nature, the neighborhood stretched out to the east.

She had turned, “Where are we, Jack?”

“Home,” he said.

“What?”

“This is your other birthday present.” He held up a key.

“But, Jack…”

“I used my Iniquus signing bonus to buy a house for you.”

He hadn’t asked her if she wanted to live there. She had had no say so. She was conflicted by emotions. It was too generous. Too sudden. Too much. “Mine?”

“Yours.”

She turned away. Hers. Not theirs. She’d be alone in that house. Jack, by contract, had to spend nights when he was on assignment up at the Iniquus barracks. Iniquus, like the military, was a lifestyle not a job. Even though he had his own apartment in the barracks, she wasn’t allowed to see it. Anyone that wasn’t employed by Iniquus was barred from their secure campus unless they had a darned good reason and an escort.

“Before you go in, I should warn you. It’s dated inside. It needs a lot of work.” Now he seemed worried. “You decide how you want it fixed up, and I’ll do that for you.”

“You look overly excited about painting walls and putting down tile.”

“I’m going to make it beautiful for you, Suz.” He brushed her hair back over her shoulders and kissed her lips, making her tingle right down to her toes.

Her concerns flew away in the breeze.

“You’re going to feel at home here. Like you belong. Ready for more?”

“More?” No. She thought she was filled to the brim and couldn’t handle more. Really, the zombie bag and the picnic were more than enough.

“You need companionship to keep your spirits up.”

Jack raised his hand over his head and the front door opened. Out waddled two little fur balls. Basset hound puppies with tiny little legs and an overabundance of ears. Jack grabbed her hand and pulled her to the porch where the pups were shuffling around, trying to find a way down the steps. Suz scooped them protectively to her chest, looking wide-eyed at Jack.

“Dick and Jane,” he said.

Her heart stuttered. “But I told you that was what I wished for on the first night we met. The night I told you that I wanted—”

“A cottage in the woods with a kitchen big enough to cook and eat as a family, a big dining room – big enough for dinner parties, lots of windows, at least two fire places—”

“And a garage,” she said.

Jack pointed to the side of the house. “And a garage.”

 

 

The cottage was perched at the edge of Matthew Henson State Park – it was a 30-minute drive to Iniquus Headquarters on a good day—not that she was allowed to go there, 10 minutes to St. Basil’s Prep, and 19 minutes to Suburban Hospital in heavy traffic with a lot of horn honking and arm flailing for people to get the heck out of her way. Though, honestly, she had only made that lone drive to Suburban this last time. Before now, two Iniquus staff had always shown up to give her a full report. One was there to help with whatever she needed help with–finishing a half-cooked dinner and storing it in the fridge, ironing the clothes that she was working on, taking care of Dick and Jane—and the other helper was there to drive her, in her own car, to the hospital so she could get there safely. Jack had said Iniquus had her on the family roster. And they were stellar about smoothing the waters and making things easy for the operatives’ families.

They won’t be taking care of me anymore. Time to stand on my own two feet.

Suz let her gaze rest on her 1940’s style rotary dial phone. She should call the hospital and see if Jack was released. Suz didn’t want him to show up here at the house. She was too fragile. She didn’t have the stamina to go through the actual breakup talk right now. She also couldn’t pretend everything was okay.

That’s when the doorbell rang.