CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHARLIE
SIX MONTHS LATER
I stared down the bottle of pills sitting on my desk for what felt like the millionth time. It was my new ritual: stare it down, remind it I'm the boss, take the pill, feel better. Sort of. It was all pointless, probably, and made me feel a little ridiculous whenever Rudolph caught me, but otherwise it was one tiny reminder that I was still in charge.
"I'm choosing to use you, you little shit." I pointed at the little white pill in my palm. "You don't run me. I run you."
Down it went. Off to the gym. Business as usual. My life for the last six months. The first few weeks had me wishing to go back to the desert, but once that hump cleared I felt almost new. Someone cut me off in traffic and I didn't care. Some of the Sigma Phi dicks were talking shit in the weight room, and I just walked away.
That was probably the biggest stride. Rudolph looked at me like I'd grown three heads, and then he hugged me in the middle of the gym while we were sweaty and half the student body was there. You know what? I also didn't give a shit. I hugged that mother fucker back and bought him a beer.
My shrink warned it was a long process with lots of ups and downs, but I told her I could handle that. After all, I was Charlie fucking Vermont. Look, I'll sit down and open old wounds and take a bunch of pills that change my weekend activities to iced tea and video games and I'll even go to the PTSD group she recommended once a week. That was surprisingly cathartic, sitting around with a bunch of people who saw the same fucked up shit I did and walked away to live their lives. I can do all of that. But I wouldn’t give up the Charlie Vermont ego. It's too much a part of me.
Finally, it was time to resume my late night runs to Jose's Diner for carnitas and an iced tea at two am, when I couldn't sleep because my brain was too loud. The pills toned it down, but digging up shit I'd repressed for years had a knack for swelling up without warning on occasion. Shrink said it'd get better. After the last few months, I was ready to mostly believe her.
"I was beginning to think you died!" Martha squeezed me the moment I walked in the door. "First a girlfriend to take up all your time at night and then off the map. Poof! I told Jose we needed to send out a search party and he told me to mind my own business, but you know I don't do that."
"I'm sorry it's been so long, Martha." I grabbed a menu and slid into my old booth. "I have to abstain from your margaritas and I didn't think I had it in me."
"Mijo, I'll bring you the most delicious glass of tea you've ever had in your life." She winked and left me to stare at a menu I'd memorized for no reason other than to have something to read.
The real reason I hadn’t come back was a lot more complicated. It had been months, but I still couldn't carve Ashley out of my soul and this was the first spot we met. Hell, I avoided the last two treadmills at the end of the gym.
I looked at her pictures in my phone again. I couldn't bring myself to delete them. I never called her or sent her a text after our final afternoon together because I wanted to respect her wishes, but never seeing her face again was impossible. I'd rather cut out my eyes.
"Iced tea, Martha style." A glass was set in front of me.
"What is Martha style?" The words died in my throat. Martha didn't set down the glass. It was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, with soft brown hair and bright blue eyes and a smile that could still the storm in my heart.
I had everything and nothing to say to her at once. So I just stared, slack jawed like an idiot, while my brain struggled to kickstart back into gear.
She tried to smile, but she looked like she was going to cry. Ashley tucked a strand of hair behind her hair and asked brightly, "Can I sit?"
I nodded dumbly, because there was nothing else I could say. For all I knew, she was a hallucination. Ashley told me to never talk to her again. Ashley left every single common space on campus the moment she saw me until she was no longer around at all. She turned into a ghost and evaporated from my life. How could I be staring at her right now?
"You look good." Her mouth now smiled but her eyes were still sad. "Joel's kept us up to date with your therapy and everything, said you were doing really well. I'm really glad to hear that."
"Yeah." I finally forced a word out. "It isn't the most fun I've ever had, but. I feel better."
"Good, good." She took a shaky breath.
"Look." We said in unison. And laughed a little together.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I just... wanted to say hi." She stood. "I hope you do well, Charlie."
That was enough to unclog my brain. "Wait." I jumped out of the booth and grabbed her arm. "Don't go, please. I spent the last six months with nothing but your memory. I'd love just a little longer with the real thing."
Martha floated past us. "Oh, just sit with him, Ashley. He's all you've talked about for the last two hours."
"How do you two know each other?" I asked, torn between curiosity and the knowledge that she talked about me. Ashley wanted to see me?
"She's my landlord." Ashley said, cheeks that beautiful shade of pink. "And sometimes she babysits Ella."
"You are the landlord?" I stared at Martha. "This whole time?"
"Whole time." Martha grinned. "You don't think all my money comes from serving cheap tacos to drunk college kids, do you? I own half the complexes in town. But Ashley is one of my favorite tenants and you are one of my favorite customers. So nothing will make this old lady's heart happier than to have the two of you sit down for a while."
Martha shooed us back to the booth, winked, and disappeared into the kitchen.
Ashley was still pink as a rose and very interested in her hands. I grabbed one of them and felt the wind knock out of me when she looked up and our eyes met.
"I missed you." I said earnestly. God knows if I'd ever have another chance to see her like this, and I needed every second to count. "And I'm so sorry, Ashley, that I hurt you and I scared you. I was in a terrible place when we met, just a powder keg waiting to explode. That doesn't justify anything, at all, because I really messed up. I should have gotten the help I needed a long time ago, but I really should have chased it down the moment I realized I wanted you in my life."
Tears pricked at her beautiful eyes. I wiped one of them away. "When I went to see Dr. Cole again, Rudolph made me swear I wasn't doing this to get you back, but to fix the broken shit inside. I thought he was full of it because you were all I could think about. All I still think about. But then I realized I would never get a chance to be the man I wanted to be for you until I figured out what I wanted." I paused to laugh at myself. "It sounds stupid, I know. Half my conversations now sound like I've been talking to a shrink three days a week. Side effect of all this, I guess."
Ashley smiled up at me and it was the sweetest thing I'd seen in months. "It's not stupid. That's... really wonderful, Charlie."
If I could hear her say my name every day for the rest of my life, it wouldn't be enough. Knowing I ruined that hurt more than ever with her in this booth. "I will hate myself from now until forever if I don't say this now. I love you, Ashley Johnson. I love you with every bone in my body. You are the vision that keeps me going when shit gets too dark. I don't want you to feel like you are the only reason for my being, because you're not. What you are is the most magical part of it, the beautiful sunshine in my sky, the sparkles in my ocean, the honey in my forest. I want to be a better man because someone as wonderful as you exists. You may never want to see me again and I can accept my decisions did that, but I will love you until my heart stops beating."
I held my breath as I watched her. I'd rehearsed this speech a million times in the shower and it was a million times scarier to do in person than to a shower tile. The fear was worth it, though, because I really couldn't let this moment get away. If this was my last chance to see her, I needed her to know.
The minutes ached by as her sweet mouth struggled to form words. Reality again settled on my shoulders and I knew it was time to go before I spiraled into self-destruction. She didn’t want me and I had to deal with that. I threw down a five dollar bill for the tea and slid out of the booth without another word. In my mind, this went a lot better. She cried and said she loved me, too, and we kissed and lived happily ever after.
In reality, she said nothing and I had to walk out with my head high while inside I was dying. I rested my head against my truck and tried to breathe through it, to give myself just a minute to mourn the life we could have had, but mostly to keep my stomach for emptying all over the parking lot.
"I knew those had terrible gas mileage, but there's no reason to beat it up over it." Ashley stood behind me, tears streaming down her face, body as shaky as her voice.
"What?"
"You're supposed to say something about how do I know so much about truck mileage. I don't remember exactly because I was a little drunk."
I was dying inside. This was how she wanted to say goodbye? "I knew it."
"I know it's not perfect." She said the words in a rush. I could feel the nerves radiating off her, but she never dropped my gaze. "I know it will be hard. I have my own demons, too. Everyone does, right? I'm not expecting perfect."
"What are you expecting?"
Her lower lip trembled, but she took a deep breath and steadied herself. It ate me up to know I did this to her. I caused these feelings to destroy her. All I wanted was the chance to make up for it. "I don't know, to be honest. Every time I think I know, I'm wrong. But what I do know, Charlie Vermont, is that I haven't stopped loving you since the day I drove away. I love you when I cry and I love you when I laugh and I love you when I'm angry and I love you when—“
I cut her off with a kiss. A kiss that told her how sorry I was, how devastated I was without her, how she was my entire world no matter what anyone told me. A kiss that told her I felt her love more than anything on this earth and I wanted to earn the right to have it. A kiss that was six months in the making, but, if I was honest, a lifetime more.
Ashley wrapped her arms around my neck and held tight and I knew. I knew we were going to make it.
"It's not going to be easy." I whispered. "It won't be perfect."
"I don't want perfect." She whispered back. "I just want you."