Just Not Like That
WHY AM I THE WAY I am? I mentally facepalm myself as Betsy’s arms drop and she steps back. Her hands go to her lips and she rubs there. She takes a deep breath and turns back to stir the chili. I feel her pulling away from me and I’m not going to let her.
“Bets, I’m sorry,” I say coming to stand behind her at the stove. “I didn’t mean to ruin the moment.”
She shrugs. “There wasn’t any moment to ruin, no worries.”
“So, it’s like that? That kiss was awesome, like I saw unicorns and they were jizzing glitter everywhere. That’s how good it was,” I say trying to lighten the moment a little but still keep her with me. “It was the best kiss of my life because it was with you.” I tentatively put my hands on her upper arms. The moment I do she turns. Her face looks like it’s in turmoil. Like it wants to smile at me and my ridiculous self, but instead, it’s twisted in a frown.
“I won’t deny that the kiss was good, but it’s not like that with us Joe, I thought you knew that I have nothing to offer. I like you but I’m not built for what you want.” She half turns to the pot to stir while still facing me. “I’m sorry.”
“I heard you, you know,” I say because what do I have to lose at this point? “While I was asleep and feverish, I heard you say you love me.”
She nods. “Yeah, I did and I do, I love you like you’re my family. I was worried about you and I was trying to be a comfort.” I stare at her in disbelief but her face shows sincerity.
I retreat, physically and emotionally, sitting back up on the stool. Suddenly I feel bone tired and just sad. I put my head in my hand and try to shake off her rejection. Deep down, I know she’s not being truthful with me. I know she feels the same about me. The care she showed Jack was above and beyond and that was familial. How she cares for me is different. We sleep in the same bed, hold each other and go beyond friendly touching. Also, that kiss? Damn, I wasn’t the only one there and I wasn’t the one that took it up a notch. I’m willing to wait though, she’s worth it. I’ll be patient, well, as patient as I can be.
Betsy covers the pot and lowers the flame and then turns to me. “I’m going upstairs. Feel free to eat as much of the chili as you want. It should be ready in about an hour.” She turns and heads upstairs, leaving me alone in my cold kitchen. An hour later I make myself a bowl of chili and then pack up the rest and put in the fridge. I watch some movies until I can’t keep my eyes open, then drag myself up to bed. I hear her door open and close and then her pad down the stairs and out the door.
I leave my door wide open and for the first time in a long while, I pray to whatever higher power there is for her to come to me when she gets back from the theater. The past few nights have spoiled me. It’s not the same without her lovely self curled into me. When I wake in the middle of the night, I find my door closed and am all alone.
* * *
Jack comes home the next day and is mostly back to full health. He and I take it easy one more day and everything goes back to normal with Betsy. She dotes on Jack and he eats it up. Her concern for me is almost nonexistent except for her plying me with food. She makes us a huge breakfast, making sure we eat protein to keep our strength up. We have leftover chili for lunch and it’s even better today. She then pulls out all the stops and makes us meatloaf, mashed potatoes and brussels sprouts roasted with bacon and garlic. If food can heal a person then Betsy would be a great healer.
“Thanks for taking care of this loser, since I couldn’t,” Jack says. “I hope he wasn’t too big of a baby.”
“Just a little,” she says and they laugh. “You guys aren’t allowed to get sick anymore though, it’s too scary and I’m tired of soup.”
“You make some good soup though, lady,” he compliments. “I think my new favorite thing is brussels sprouts though.”
“Wait, I need to record this moment,” I say. “Jack loves a vegetable!”
“If you made vegetables like these, I would have eaten them all.” He pops one in his mouth and smiles, chewing with his mouth open.
“Bacon does make most anything palatable, even the dreaded brussels sprouts,” I add. “I think we would have had other issues if we had bacon with every meal, though.”
We help Betsy clean up and both turn in early. I’m so tired I can barely make it upstairs. This seems ridiculous because all I’ve done today is eat and nap. When I get to the top of the steps, I feel a little dizzy so I lean against the wall.
“You okay?” Betsy asks from behind me.
“No,” I say even though Betsy is asking about me feeling faint, not about our relationship. “I miss you.” As I say this, I turn to her. “It felt like we were getting closer, you know? I don’t know what to do now. I want you to curl up next to me in my bed, play with my hair, and kiss me.”
My hand goes to her braid and I twirl it around my wrist. She shakes me loose. “We are close, Joe, I don’t want that to change but I think it would be best if I stayed in my own room, Maybe I crossed a line, but I don’t want that to change our friendship.”
My shoulders drop. “Ugh, fine. Just so you know, I’ll always be your friend, no matter what happens between us. I’m a ride or die, friends to the end guy. Even if I kiss you for a while and then stop.”
Her hands go to my drooped shoulders and she pulls me into a hug. “Joe, you are the best and weirdest surprise of my life. I never thought I’d have a friend like you. We will ride or die together, and of course, we are friends to the end.”
I retreat from the hug and bring my forehead to hers. “We can be all that and be together.”
She retreats and goes into her room. I sigh and walk dejectedly to my room. I decide to text Frank since he’s an expert in women not loving him back.
Me: Hey FF, how do you handle it when someone doesn’t love you back?
FF: Seriously? Why are you such an asshole?
Me: Dude, come on. Mikey loves you back, that’s not the problem.
FF: Two weeks of silence are making me feel differently.
Me: You can be patient, you’re the most patient person I know.
FF: Coming from the least patient person, that’s not reassuring.
Me: You’ll wait for Mikey until the time is right to go get her. Then you’ll have pretty dark-haired babies for me to babysit.
FF: There’s zero chance that you will ever get to babysit my kids, just want to put that out there.
Me: Oh, Frank, you’re so cute.
FF: Oh my god, just get to the point already. Is this about Betsy?
Me: Yes, in my waning flu haze, I grew the balls to kiss her.
FF: I’m guessing your advances were unwanted?
Me: No, that’s the thing. She did this semi-lap dance for me after we’d been snuggling for days. Then I kissed her and she jumped all over me.
FF: So, what’s the issue?
Me: I brought up feelings and she shut down.
FF: Oof, sorry dude.
Me: She said she’s my friend but that is all she can manage.
FF: Hm, I’m not sure. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I need more information. Let’s talk at tomorrow’s rehearsal.
Me: Thanks, Frank. I appreciate you guys switching for me.
FF: Just don’t come if you’re going to spread it around. The last fucking thing I need in my life is your plague.
Me: Noted. I’m all clear to work so I’m sure I’m fine for you to give me a bro hug.
FF: Let’s not.
Me: That’s cool, Lia likes my bro hugs.
FF: You stay away from her with your germs!
Me: Fine, I will hold all of you at arm’s length.
FF: Like I said, don’t fucking touch me.
Me: Ooh, sexy talk.
FF: No
Me: Goodnight, Grumpy Cat.
FF: Fuck off, you overgrown puppy dog.
I put my phone down and close my eyes. Frank will know what to do. He has loved hundreds of ladies that couldn’t stand to love him back. Their loss, though. Frank acts like he hates me but he doesn’t. There’s no unrequited love in our relationship.