CHAPTER 13
Being apart was different this time. Before had felt like kicking heroin cold turkey, this time was like assimilating back into society after being stranded on an island. Instead of being hypersensitive and shaking through the night, I was numb. Nothing made sense. I went through the motions. I phoned it in.
Dr. Washburn had helped me get enrolled in classes in absentia, so that all I had to do was show up on the first day of classes. Trey and Braden were loud. They were busy, and they made a natural disaster of the living room, slinging books onto every surface, screaming at video games. The kitchen looked like a peanut butter and jelly factory exploded. There were towels everywhere, and sneakers, and girls’ purses. And there was laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.
It was the most depressing time of my life.
I spent half of my time in class or locked away in my room. The other half I spent in the new MMA gym I’d joined the day after classes started, thanks to the generosity of my wonderful parents. I hadn’t told anyone else about the classes. It was my little secret, and I didn’t want to share it, especially since my main reason for joining was to feel close to Kage.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the discussion I’d had with his therapist. Was I really bad for his mental health? Did he really secretly want to be with Vanessa Hale? At first, I couldn’t believe it. She had to have been lying. But when I called Kage to get him to confirm or deny it, he didn’t answer my calls. I thought back to the day I left, and the fact that he had been conspicuously absent. He hadn’t even cared enough to be there to say goodbye. At the time, I’d thought watching me leave was too difficult for him, but now I wasn’t so sure. The circumstantial evidence was piling up, and it did not look good.
On the second Monday back at school, Braden and I went shopping for groceries. It was our Monday night ritual, and we always went late so that we didn’t have to stand in line or dodge people in the aisles. All we ever had to worry about was the occasional floor waxer, or a group of stoners on a munchies run.
I dragged my depressed ass up to the checkout, ready to get the hell out of there. I wanted to get home and watch some porn to take my mind off of Kage, which always served to remind me of him anyway. One of the mags on the stand at the grocery store checkout caught my eye. Not because I usually read those things, but because I recognized the couple on the cover a little too well.
Vanessa Hale Gets Cozy with UFC Fighter Boyfriend, the headline read. But even without the bold letters to draw my attention, there was no way was I going to miss that body or those warm, dark eyes. It was Kage pictured there, his fingers intertwined with Vanessa’s more delicate ones. There was a diamond ring on her left ring finger.
In a daze, I pulled a copy of the magazine out of the rack and added it to the pile of groceries on the conveyor belt. Braden eyed me suspiciously.
“I’m not paying for that,” he said.
“Would you rather I broke your arm?” I countered in a low voice that was much more menacing than my own. “Because that can be arranged.”
Braden did pay for it, and after we had loaded the groceries into the trunk of the Acura, I slid into the passenger seat with the magazine and flipped through until I found what I was looking for. An enormous photo of Kage and Vanessa spanned two pages halfway through the magazine, like a centerfold without the entertainment factor.
It was a photo taken at the same time as the cover photo, but from a slightly different angle. They had been caught coming out of some obscenely fancy restaurant, smiling into each other’s eyes. The photo was shot at the perfect moment, and in such gut-wrenching high definition you could practically see their hands swinging as they walked toward the camera. And the glint of light as it reflected off the rock on her finger.
God, how could they do this to me?
It made me sick to see Kage looking at Vanessa that way, like he actually loved her. I wanted to hurl the magazine out the window. Hell, I wanted to make Braden turn the car around and go back to the store, and to rip every one of the offending gossip rags off the shelves and burn them in the middle of the grocery store aisles. I wanted to burn Vegas to the ground. The whole United States. The world, even. Nuke the fucker, like my heart had just been nuked.
“What’s with you?” Braden asked cautiously as he put away the groceries. All I could do was lean on the counter and stare at that heartbreaking image. The full story was included on the following two pages, and I read silently, my horror growing exponentially with every word.
The on-again, off-again couple, who have been engaged since sometime in August, declined comment when asked to provide a wedding date. But they did share a romantic kiss for the cameras.
There was an inset photo on the right side of the article. Kage dipping Vanessa low and kissing her thoroughly with those lips that were supposed to be mine. I wondered if he tasted as good to her as he did to me. I wondered if her knees went weak like mine always did. I wondered if they were truly in love.
Vanessa Hale made her mark as a Victoria’s Secret model before moving on to the big screen. Her small-but-memorable debut role as the sexy neighbor in this year’s When the Wind Blows earned her high marks with critics and moviegoers alike, and she can be seen early next year in her first starring role as Linda Barrett in the highly-anticipated remake of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Michael Kage is a lucky man. Not only because he’s engaged to one of the hottest new starlets in Hollywood, but because he’s just signed a coveted six-figure contract with the UFC. Kage will be testing his mettle against Cristiano Diaz on Saturday. Kage, who hit the celebrity radar when he finished his first UFC fight in under one minute, debuted this month at #2 on our Top Ten Sexiest Athletes list.
This is one hot couple to watch.
“Earth to Jamie. Come in, Jamie.” Braden, in a rare sensitive moment, put a hand on my shoulder. “Dude, are you okay? You haven’t even opened the Pop Tarts yet. I think that’s like a world record or something.” He waved the box in front of me. “It’s brown sugar, your favorite.”
“Fuck Pop Tarts,” I said. “And fuck Michael Kage. I hope Diaz submits him in ten seconds. I hope he armbars the shit out of him.”
Trey had wandered into the kitchen by that time, and he stared at me like I was an impostor. “What’s going on with you, Jamie? I’ve never seen you like this. So… un-laid back.”
“Yeah?” I looked up and gave him what felt like a really evil smile. “You think I’m some goody-goody? Some little fuckboy? Is that what you think?” I stood up and threw the box of Pop Tarts across the room with all my might, crushing it against the wall beside the stove and knocking over the butcher knife block and the spice rack. Knives and spice bottles clattered into the sink.
“What the fuck, man?” Braden cried, rushing to rescue the spices from being ruined in the water standing in two days’ worth of dirty dishes.
“I’m sorry.” Shaking, feeling unmanly for taking out my aggression on a package of breakfast pastries, I clenched my fists at my side and turned away from my friends. “It was either that box or someone’s face.”
As Braden dried the spices off with paper towels, Trey approached me with caution. I could feel him moving in behind me. “Come into the living room and sit down, Jamie,” he coaxed, like I was some rabid animal who needs to be tricked back in its cage. “Let’s talk about what’s bothering you. You’re freaking us out a little bit, you know? Maybe if we know what’s bothering you, we can help.”
Trey. Ever the peacekeeper. I hated to tell him, but there was no way anyone could help me. Not when I couldn’t even tell anyone the truth.
Here I was worrying for a week about Kage possibly committing suicide, and there he was cheesing it up for the cameras with his bride-to-be.
I followed Trey out of the kitchen, but I grabbed the magazine on the way out. I hated the thing, so why was I hanging onto it like it was some lifeline?
“I need to get laid,” I said as we plopped down onto the sectional. I clutched the magazine against my chest. “I need to find a girl.”
Why was I saying that? I didn’t want to get laid, and I didn’t want a girl. I wanted Kage, who was currently off the market and not answering my calls or texts.
Trey laughed mildly. “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and predict that it would be hard for you to convince a girl to go out with you in your current mood.”
“I don’t really mean that, anyway,” I admitted. “I’m just… I’m so fucking mad I can’t see straight. I’m so stupid.” A whimper escaped before I composed myself with a deep breath. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’m just gonna go to my room and stand on a chair. Do you have an extra belt?”
Trey let out another laugh, but it was strained. “Jeez, Jamie. Don’t even kid around about something like that.” He reached out and worked the magazine slowly out of my grasp. I eventually let it go.
Braden sat down on the sofa and stared over Trey’s shoulder at the magazine. “What is it about this thing that’s got you so worked up?” He teased, “When I got you into watching MMA, I didn’t know you were gonna get this obsessed with it. What’s the matter, you don’t like The Machine?”
“Don’t call him that,” I said quietly. “He doesn’t like it.”
“What?” Braden asked with a laugh.
“Nothing.” I searched my brain for a way out of the conversation, or at least a way to spin it, because there was no way I could be honest. Not even with my best friends. It would feel like a betrayal, which is funny, considering I’d just been betrayed in the worst way. But I would never have sold Kage out. Not only as a matter of integrity, but because it would have negated everything I’d sacrificed up to that point. He’d made it to the UFC with his reputation intact, but now… Well, I guess I just didn’t know how badly it would hurt to see him succeed.
“You’re lying to your two best friends, Jamie.” Trey ducked his head to catch my eye, and I reluctantly dragged my gaze up to meet his.
“I fucked her,” I told them. Because it was a way to give them an idea of how I was feeling without blowing the big secret.
Trey froze, staring at me. Braden’s eyebrows drew together, and he asked, “Who?” Because it was just too inconceivable to imagine me being with a movie star, right? Little did my friends know that the whole truth was even more unbelievable than that.
“Vanessa Hale. She and I were, you know… together.”
“Like together together?” This from Braden, who apparently still couldn’t wrap his head around the concept.
Trey still didn’t speak or move.
“Did I stutter?” I jabbed my finger at the cover of the magazine Trey was still holding. “I was with Vanessa Hale. Over the summer. We had a thing.”
Suddenly, Trey started laughing and rocked back on the sofa. “Okay, you actually had me going there for a minute.”
My face was like stone, waiting for them to take me seriously.
“But she is one hot babe, though, right?” Braden tugged on the magazine in Trey’s hand and took another look at the picture. “I heard she’s doing a topless scene. They said it on this entertainment blog. Not that I read those things, but you know how you end up on the wrong side of the internet if you’re not careful.”
“Stay away from the free porn and the peer-to-peer pirating sites and you’ll do just fine,” Trey suggested. “I never end up on the wrong side of the internet. And I never get viruses like you do.”
It was all too clear that neither one of them believed me, and even through my sadness that managed to piss me off. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and flipped to my photo gallery. Then I scrolled to a selfie of Vanessa and me, taken in the gym of the Alcazar during one of Kage’s practice sessions.
They stared at it for a long, stunned moment. After a while, Braden smirked at me. “Good try, buddy. Anyone can ask to take a selfie with a celebrity. They do it all the time. I have one with that guy who played the cop on that TV show from a few years ago. What was it called?”
I pulled my phone back and scrolled through my gallery again. Found several shots I’d taken the morning after the slumber party that changed my life. Vanessa and I were lying on Kage’s bed, twisted up in the rumpled sheets. All of the photos were of our faces, but I chose one that revealed enough to make it obvious we were in a bed. I held it up to them, praying I didn’t inadvertently scroll over to the next shot, because Kage was in that one with us.
Braden and Trey stared at the photo like they couldn’t trust their eyes. Like I was perpetrating some elaborate Photoshop hoax on them.
They still didn’t believe me.
At that point, I was determined to prove the truth of my half-lie, so I stupidly showed them Vanessa’s number on my cell phone. I’d never actually called it, but we had traded numbers.
Before I could fathom just how diabolical Braden could be, he’d grabbed my phone, hit the call button, and put it on speaker. I lunged for it, but it was too late.
“Jamie? What time is it?” Vanessa answered in a sleepy voice. There was a squeak and a shuffling sound, and I imagined her rolling over in bed to check the time. “Is everything okay?”
Silence as everyone stared around at each other. “Um… Sorry, Vanessa. I butt-dialed you. Everything is fine. Just go back to sleep.” My voice broke, and I know she heard it.
“Jamie…” She sighed my name. Took a deep breath and let it out. “You must have seen one of the write-ups. I know this is hard for you. I’m sorry. Mikey wants—”
“Is he there?” I heard myself ask. It sounded like someone else’s voice from far away.
“Jamie—”
“Is. He. There.” I ground out the words more like a threat than a question.
“Of course not. He’s at training camp. His next fight is Saturday, you know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“You wouldn’t answer your phone, you silly goose.” Her words were playful, but her tone was somber. She genuinely felt bad for me.
“Yeah, right.”
Now, listening to Vanessa’s too-calm voice, knowing she had a ring on her finger, everything was coming together in a way that did the most damage to my ego. I’d been snoozing. All of this had been going on right under my nose, and I’d been so stupid, so naive. I’d trusted him, even with the late nights and the mysterious trips. Four days in New York I hadn’t even questioned. What a fucking chump.
After a long pause, she asked, “Do I need to come down there? I’m in L.A. working on a movie, but they’re not shooting any of my scenes tomorrow. I could catch a plane in the morning.”
That’s all I needed. Consolation from the woman who stole the love of my fucking life. I hacked out something that I hoped could be taken for a laugh, but was actually closer to a sob. “Wonder what your fiancé would have to say about that.”
“You know good and well what would happen. He’d beat your ass.” She laughed softly. “But I won’t tell him if you won’t. Remember what happened the last time you made him jealous?”
I snatched the phone off the coffee table and clicked off before she could finish. No reason for my friends to know anything about my gay summer affair now that it was over for good. If we’d still been together, it might have been different, but I wasn’t about to out the two of us after the fact.
A couple of seconds later, the phone started ringing. Vanessa calling back. I hit ignore. She tried back once more, but I hit ignore again. Then the phone was silent.
My friends were sitting on the sofa in shock. Braden rubbed his palms up and down the tops of his thighs, and Trey had his hand over his mouth. Finally, Braden spoke.
“You sneaky bastard. That’s who you’ve been pining away for? No fucking wonder. When were you going to tell us?”
“Never,” I said simply. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I just want you to call her back and tell her to come down here,” Trey said. “So we can meet her.”
“Not happening.” I tucked my phone into the pocket of my jeans and hurried down the hall to my bedroom. I heard footsteps behind me, saw Trey’s shadow on the wall as he followed me in. I tried to close the door before he could enter, but he stopped it with his hand.
“Talk to me, man.” He stood in the dim light with his hands on his hips, his lips drawn into a thin line. “We can’t help you if you won’t let us.”
I let out a high-pitched laugh, and I could feel myself teetering on the verge of confessing everything. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? What would they say if they knew everything? They’d probably kick me out of the house, or at the very least look at me differently.
“You can’t help me,” I said. “No one can. I’m about as fucked as I can be.”
“Jamie, there are other fish in the sea. I know that’s a cliche, but it’s true. You can’t let one chick destroy you. She was talking about cheating on her boyfriend with you, for Christ’s sake. Do you want to be involved with someone like that? If she’ll cheat on him, she’ll cheat on you.”
“Don’t call him that. Don’t call him her boyfriend, because I don’t think I can stand it.” Somehow fiancé sounded better. Less personal. Because he was my boyfriend.
Mine.
“Fiancé,” Trey amended, looking puzzled. “But it’s really irrelevant what anybody calls the guy. He’s a schmuck anyway, because she’s going to cheat on him. Cheaters cheat.”
“Nobody cheats on Michael Kage,” I said darkly. “He’s not a schmuck. He’s perfect.”
Trey scoffed. “Come on, Jamie. Don’t sell yourself short.”
I dove onto the bed and buried my face in the pillow, breathing in the April fresh scent of fabric softener. It was so frustrating that Trey didn’t understand what was really going on, and dammit, I couldn’t tell him. He and I were carrying on two different conversations. We might as well not even be talking.
“Hey, man,” Braden said from the doorway. “Uh, we’re here for you or whatever, you know?”
I nearly laughed at his discomfort. Braden trying to be sensitive was like Genghis Khan trying to be merciful. It went against the laws of everything that was. And still, it touched me. My friends had my back, and they were proving that to me. If everything else fell apart, and it looked like that was exactly what was happening, at least I had them in my corner.
That Friday, Braden cornered me coming out of the hall bathroom Trey and I shared. “Hey, man. We’re all going out to the Collegiate tonight. Get dressed and come with us.”
I was already shaking my head before he’d finished. “I’m just gonna hang around here and get some homework done. Thanks for asking, though.”
“Thanks for asking?” He stared at me in disbelief. “Thanks for asking? Who are you, Miss Manners? Get your fucking skinny jeans on and let’s go.”
That made me laugh despite myself. “You want me to wear skinny jeans? You must be desperate.”
“I am,” he admitted. “Desperate to get my friend out of the house before he rots.”
“You don’t think I should wear my workout clothes to the club?”
“Hey, it’s fine with me. But I think you should at least change your shirt.”
I sniffed my armpit and grimaced. “Probably, yeah.”
“Did you just get back from a run?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied. I’d actually had a Judo class, but Braden didn’t need to know that.
“Well, go on and get in the shower,” he said. “We want to get to the club early enough to get a good table.”
“But my homework,” I tried again.
“Dude, you do homework every night. At this point the homework is doing you. Now get your fucking pansy ass in the shower and get ready. The girls will be here in thirty minutes.”
“Girls?”
“Yeah, girls.” Braden popped me on the side of my head like I was an old radio with dodgy reception. “You remember those, right? Members of the opposite sex. Miranda and Layla, to be exact.”
I made a face. “Why has Layla been spending so much time over here?”
Brandon looked flustered. “Yeah, about that. We had a bet going about how long it would take you to notice.”
“That’s bullshit. You don’t have a bet.” I pushed past Braden and out into the hall. When I entered my room, I felt him close behind me.
“Okay, we don’t have an actual bet,” he admitted, leaning on my desk and flipping idly through the pages of one of my books. “Look Jamie. You need to forget about that model chick. We’re worried about you.”
“It must really be bad if the almighty Braden is worried about someone besides himself.” I said in an acid tone. When Braden only stared at me unperturbed, I flopped down onto my bed. “Besides, that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me, so don’t presume to know everything, okay?”
Braden’s eyebrows came together in confusion. “Layla told us about going to be with you for your mom’s surgery, but she said everything was fine now.”
“Yeah, my mom is doing great.”
“Then what the fuck?” Braden gestured around the room with a sweep of his arm. “Why are you in here all time? Why does it look so neat in here? It’s like you became Howard Hughes over the summer. You don’t have any bottles of pee stored around here, do you?” He opened my closet door.
“Hey, get out of there.” I jumped up off the bed and made it over to the closet in three strides, slamming the door closed. There wasn’t anything in there that I wouldn’t want him to see. My sparring gloves, shin guards, head gear, and mouth guard were hidden away in the trunk of my car. The only other incriminating things were my phone and my laptop, which were littered with pictures of Kage. But living a private second life had me constantly on guard, terrified that I was inadvertently going to give my secrets away.
In reality, there was probably only one actual threat: Layla. That was the real reason I was concerned about her being around all the time. Because of one lousy night, she knew everything. God forbid she ever got the urge to run her mouth. Funny thing was, I didn’t even care so much anymore for myself. I’d been with a guy. So fucking what? I had nothing to lose if anyone found out about it. But Kage? He had everything to lose. And even though he’d stabbed me in the heart, I still couldn’t out him. I wanted to hate him.
I ran my thumb idly over the tattoo on my arm, feeling the raised skin, wanting to cry. Who the hell gets a tattoo of their boyfriend’s initials, and then immediately dumps him? Couldn’t we have at least gotten a few good months out of the tattoos before thinking about going and having them removed?
Braden backed away from the closet door with his hands up. “Calm down, killer. I’m not going through your things. I was just messing around. For real, though, you need to at least let some light in here.” He snatched the cord and opened my mini blinds. “Well, there’s not much light right now, since it’s night time, but you get the idea. Now get in the shower.”
“Fine. If you’re gonna bug the shit out of me, I’ll go.” I crowded Braden out of my room, grabbed a towel from the hall closet, and got in the shower.
What could it hurt, anyway? It would probably do me good to get out for one night. Lord knows holing up in my room for weeks hadn’t helped.