Chapter Twenty-six
“Ryan?” Jake opened the bedroom door to find his son asleep on top of the comforter in his practice sweat suit, his hoodie pulled over his head and his ears plugged with his earbuds. His arm was flopped over Moose, who was asleep, amid an open laptop, textbooks, and school papers.
“Ryan!” Jake said, louder. He was still in his suit jacket, breathless. He’d raced home, but traffic had been terrible. He approached the bed, but only Moose woke up, thumping his tail on the comforter and raising his head slightly.
Jake sat down on the edge of the bed, gave the dog a quick pat, and tugged one of the earbuds from Ryan’s ear. “Ryan, wake up.”
“Dad?” Ryan’s eyelids fluttered, and Jake rubbed his arm, in the cottony sweatshirt.
“How are you doing, pal? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Ryan answered, weakly.
“Why don’t you wake up? We need to talk.”
“Leave me alone. Can’t I sleep?” Ryan’s eyes closed again.
“No, we need to talk.” Jake rubbed his arm again, to get him going. “Why didn’t you go to Western Civ? Your mom found out from the Parent Portal that you missed your test.”
“Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’ll tell her that I was throwing up again.”
“No, you can’t do that. Because I told her that I saw you during lunch and you seemed fine.”
“What?” Ryan frowned, opening his eyes. He rose sleepily and propped himself on his elbow. “Why did you do that? She never had to know.”
“I didn’t tell her. Amy did. Mom called my office.”
“Oh no.” Ryan rubbed his face, leaving reddish streaks, and sat up.
“Why didn’t you go to class? You said you were going to.”
“I was going to.” Ryan met Jake’s eye, pained. “I went to my locker and got my books, and I was about to go in, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the pictures and that night, and now someone’s blackmailing us. It’s just so bad. It just keeps getting worse and worse.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” Jake squeezed him on the shoulder. “I know, it’s a lot to deal with, but that’s why you have to let me deal with it.”
“What happened with the blackmailer guy?”
“It’s all in order. I have the money and I’m giving it to him tomorrow.”
Ryan’s eyes flared in alarm. “Dad, be careful. Are you meeting him somewhere? He could have a gun.”
“He’s coming to my office, and I’m in no personal danger.” Jake squeezed his arm again. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. You have to do your thing at school. You can’t be missing these classes. It’s not good for you and it’s too hard to explain. You went to practice, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I screwed up there, too.” Ryan shook his head. “I sucked so bad. It’s like I forgot how to shoot.”
“Oh no.” Jake’s heart went out to him. It killed him to think that his son was getting so derailed. “It’ll come back. You’re just upset now, is all.”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m going to start next game. It’s a shit show.”
“Watch your language,” Jake heard himself saying, out of an impulse to control something, somewhere, to hold a line against chaos, but misplaced. “It’s okay.”
“No, you’re right.” Ryan slipped off his hood and rubbed his hair front and back. “I gotta man up. Coach is starting to look at me funny, and Dr. Dave’s all up in my grille.”
“Dr. Dave? What does he have to say?”
“He thinks I’m depressed.”
“Did he say that?”
“No, but I can tell. He hints around.”
“You’re not depressed.”
“I know that. I told him that.” Ryan shook his head. “If he knew what was going on, believe me, he’d understand.”
“Yes he would. But he can’t know what’s going on.”
“I know that, Dad.” Ryan hit a key on his open laptop and the screen came to life, showing the front page of the local newspaper. “I was reading about Kathleen and her mom. The mom got her a job at this IT company where she’s a web designer, and they seem really close.” Ryan scrolled down, so a photo of Kathleen appeared next to one of her mother. “They’re both really pretty, aren’t they? They have the same smiles and eyes, like the shape is the same.” Ryan pointed at the photos. “See what I mean? I think they had a hard life. Janine Mae told me Kathleen’s mom and dad got divorced last year, and there was a big custody trial over her, that’s why the mom moved here from Seattle.”
“Ryan, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be thinking about her, so much.”
“This is the company where they worked.” Ryan scrolled down to a group photo. “So many people liked her and her mom. They interviewed them in the paper, you should see the stuff they said. They were super tight and they were always laughing, and the people they work with put up their own money for the reward and the company matched it, even this little company of, like twenty-five people, they put in their own money—”
“Ryan, stop.” Jake glanced at the laptop. “I don’t want you to keep researching her online.”
“I know, but I can’t help it, Dad. I try not to, but I just can’t help it. It’s all anybody at school’s talking about.” Tears brimmed in Ryan’s eyes, which were bloodshot. “Janine Mae was crying in school, Dad. She was crying about her best friend from the track team, who I killed. What if she found out it was me? She would hate me, I hate me—” Ryan’s voice broke, and Jake leaned over and gave him a hug.
“Ryan, no, don’t. I know it’s hard now, but it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this together.”
“Dad, I don’t know, it’s like she’s always on my mind. I keep thinking about her, like that blackmailer said, like she’s my destiny or something.”
“No, no, don’t think that way. She’s not your destiny.” Jake felt his chest seize. “That guy was just making up those texts. He was trying to get to you. Don’t let him get to you.”
“No, but some of the stuff he said, it’s true.” Ryan pulled away, his expression anguished. “Like when he said that you can’t get away from me, I feel like that. I feel like I can’t get away from her.”
Jake felt terrified for him. “No, you just feel guilty. You’re a good person and you feel guilty. But that feeling will diminish in time.”
“No, no, I don’t think it will. It’s only getting worse, Dad.”
“Don’t say that!” Jake said, urgent. “If you keep saying things like that, you’ll make it true, and it doesn’t have to be true, not at all.”
“But I’m obsessed with her, obsessed.” Ryan shook his head in bewilderment. “Like no matter what, I’m thinking about her, and like, we’re studying that if you tell yourself not to think about something, the more it makes you think about it. That’s why I couldn’t go to Western Civ. I was walking to the door and I started to get so freaked, and I saw Caleb, and, he said, ‘What’s the matter with you, dude?’ He knew right away. I mean, I couldn’t get in control.”
“Caleb?” Jake asked, worried. “You didn’t tell him anything, did you? Wasn’t he the guy who sold you the dope?”
“The weed? Yes, right.” Ryan’s expression changed suddenly, as if a mask came over his unguarded features and he seemed to catch himself.
“Ryan? Did you tell him?”
“No, no, no way.” Ryan shook his head in a newly jittery way, and Jake could see he was hiding something.
“What? What happened? You’re a terrible liar, Ryan. I can see it all over your face. Did you tell him something? Anything?” Jake tried to control his fear, but it was impossible. “If you did, tell me now and we can deal with it. Don’t hide it from me. We’re in this together.”
“I didn’t tell him anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I didn’t say anything, not a word!” Ryan raised his voice, but Jake could see that he was protesting too much.
“Then what is it? What’s bothering you?”
“We smoked up, that’s all, Dad. I’m sorry—”
“You got high at school?” Jake asked, appalled.
“Yes, I’m sorry.” Ryan raked his hair back with a shaking hand. “Caleb told me it would help me mellow out for practice, and it really did. It did. It got me back in control.”
“No!” Jake practically cried out, feeling suddenly like everything was circling the drain. “Ryan, I did this to help you. It defeats the whole purpose if you start to fall apart. If you start to cut classes. If you start getting high. That’s not you. That never was and never can be—”
“I know, Dad, I know, I’m sorry—”
“You can’t do this to yourself, you can’t.” Jake found himself grabbing the open American Pageant textbook and smacking the page, so loudly that Moose woke up, blinking. “Ryan, this is what you need to think about. This is what you need to focus on. Your schoolwork. Your game. Yourself.” Jake picked up the laptop. “Not this. Not Kathleen Lindstrom. Not her mother. Not how nice they were.” Jake was about to put down the laptop when he glanced at the screen, and did a double-take. The group photo that had been on the screen was larger, because he must have hit a button when he picked up the laptop. The enlargement enabled him to see something in the company photo he hadn’t seen before. He looked closer and couldn’t believe his eyes.
“Dad? What is it?”
“Nothing,” Jake answered, but he was lying through his teeth. He set the laptop on the bed and struggled for emotional control. In the back row of the group photo stood a line of employees, and on the end, half-hidden by the row in front of him, was a face that Jake recognized instantly.
It was Lewis Deaner.