Jamie
I had always loved Christmas Eve Mass. As a kid, I had looked forward to it. Excitement and joy radiated off people in waves that night. For one night, for that one hour, people came together to celebrate the birth of Christ and did not stress about the presents that had yet to be wrapped. People smiled more, laughed easily, and let their guard down. And that was truly a Christmas miracle.
As I waited for the lector to give the final announcements, I looked out over the congregation. The usual electric buzz was in the air. The kids in attendance were getting antsy as it was getting closer and closer to Santa’s arrival. My gaze drifted over to the second pew and found my family, which included Eva. After our conversation the other night in the parking lot and then later through text, I didn’t think she would come to Mass tonight, want to breathe the same air as me. But there she was looking so damned beautiful that it took my breath away. I foolishly allowed myself to stare at her as she kept her eyes averted, as she looked at everything and everyone else but me, like she had for the duration of the Mass. Not once had she looked in my direction.
As soon as Mass ended and I was finished shaking hands as parishioners left the church, I went to greet my family. But as I came upon them I saw Eva talking to that dickhead Justin, his sister Katherine, and her husband Brian. I wanted to be sick, and the nausea only intensified when I heard Eva laugh at something Justin had said. Katherine was the first to spot me and like usual, she shook my hand and told me that she had enjoyed the Mass, all the while patting her expansive belly. “Not too much longer now, Katherine,” I said, trying to keep my eyes on the pregnant woman in front of me.
“Nope, a few more weeks, God-willing,” Katherine said. She was a kind woman and devoted to her church. She also gave off a totally different vibe than her brother. For whatever reason, I didn’t like Justin. There was something about him I just didn’t trust.
“Great to see you again, Father. I thought I would tag along with my sister and her husband tonight to celebrate Christmas Eve Mass.” On the surface, Justin was probably a good match for Eva. He seemed to be close with his sister, was intelligent, and decent enough looking, but the thought of Justin laying a finger or any body part of his on Eva made me see fucking red.
“I had no idea you had a stepsister, Father. What a coincidence that my brother is dating her!” Katherine said.
They were officially dating? I knew they had gone out for coffee but had there been other dates? Had they slept together? I looked over at Eva, who was at that moment staring at Justin and giving him the death stare. She didn’t look happy but Justin didn’t seem to notice, and that’s when I saw Justin’s hand drift to the small of her back. She flinched at his touch. The sight gave me hope.
“Yes, small world,” I said, forcing a smile that was painful to give.
Nate waved me over and I was thankful for the reprieve, though I hadn’t had a real conversation with him since my little freakout in the garage when his words had hit way too close to home for my liking. Out of earshot from everyone Nate said, “Take a long hard look at that. Sear that image into your brain if you have to.”
“What?” I asked.
“It may not be with her coworker, but at some point Eva is going to meet someone and will want a family,” Nate said, nodding at Eva and Justin.
“I want her happy, Nate. And if being with Justin is what will make her happy, make her smile, then I would never stop it . . . because I can’t stop it.”
“Does she look happy to you?” Nate asked. Nate didn’t stick around for an answer. He went over and retrieved his wife, who was at the moment saying her goodbyes to Marcia and my dad. Eva was next, and I watched her hug each member of my family, including her mother. That sight surprised me and warmed my heart. From the looks of it, their relationship was growing stronger and hopefully into something that would bring them both the peace they deserved. It was while I was smiling to myself, at the realization that God had facilitated that reunion because nothing else could have brought forth such a miracle when I felt someone watching me.
I looked over to find my dad studying me and suddenly I felt very exposed. As if he had caught a glimpse of something that no one was supposed to witness. Like a coward, I looked away. It was while I was trying to regain my composure when I overheard Justin ask Eva if she needed a ride home. I was overjoyed to hear her tell him no. But the motherfucker didn’t quit and proceeded to offer to walk her home. For the second time tonight she looked at me, though briefly, and then placed her attention back on Justin. The smile I saw her give him was strained, along with the words she uttered. I could tell by the expression on her face, her furrowed brow, the way she wrung her hands that she didn’t want to accept his offer, but in the end she did. Eva hugged and kissed my dad goodbye. When she got to me, she simply gave me a sad smile. I was forced to watch Justin help Eva into her coat and walk out of the church with his hand at the small of her back.
“Is everything alright, son?”
My dad wasn’t a dumb man. He was astute, quick and could read people like no one I had ever seen. He could also smell bullshit a mile away, but it didn’t prevent me from lying to him.
“Everything’s fine. So like usual I’ll be over after the last Mass tomorrow. What can I bring to dinner?”
I could feel him analyzing me, and now I knew exactly what it felt like to be in a courtroom with my dad. And it fucking sucked. “Just our favorite Irish ale. We’ll take care of the rest,” my dad said with a smile. His smile didn’t fool me. Those wheels in his head were still turning. My dad zipped up his coat and started to turn away from me. I thought I was home free; that was until he spun back around and said, “If you need to talk . . . about anything . . . I’m here, you know?”
A part of me wanted to take him up on his offer and bare my soul to him. Because I knew he wouldn’t judge me. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to Eva. This was our secret, our burden to bear. And it was pointless to disclose to our parents what we had done, what we both felt if it was now over. No good would come of it. “I know. Thanks, Dad,” I said, giving him a hug. He gave me a slap on the back to end the embrace, threw on his wool hat, and left with his wife on his arm.
I watched Marcia and my dad walk down the aisle toward the front doors. I stared with an intensity that came out of nowhere and observed Marcia putting her head on my dad’s shoulder just as they reached the vestibule. My heart pounded against my rib cage as they stopped so my dad could help Marcia adjust her hat and scarf. My breath left me when I saw my dad lean in and kiss his wife sweetly on the forehead before finally exiting out the church doors.
Standing there, now alone in my church, on one of the holiest nights of the year I surrendered and acknowledged the truth. I might be a priest, but I was in love with Eva, and I wanted what my dad and Marcia just showed me. I wanted to be able to walk freely with Eva on my arm. I wanted to protect her, ensure that she was wearing her scarf and hat. I wanted to be able to brush a chaste kiss across her forehead and get lost in the warmth of her smile.
I just had to pray that I wasn’t too late.
Eva
“So what time are you heading to the shore tomorrow?”
I heard Justin’s voice, but it seemed so far away. No, it wasn’t his voice that seemed beyond my reach. It was me. My head and heart were still at St. Bede’s Church. My thoughts still with the man who had given me a sad, knowing smile right before I had left with Justin.
Justin.
“Um . . . early. I’m already packed, so I plan to leave first thing,” I said.
I picked up the pace as we crossed the narrow cobblestone street. I couldn’t wait to get home, and I absolutely couldn’t wait to have Justin’s hand off my lower back. His hand felt wrong there. He felt wrong. The last thing I had wanted was for him to walk me home, especially after the other night in my office. Intentionally trying to discourage me from wanting to be made partner and questioning my ability to take on the challenge had really pissed me off. But what had made the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention was the way he had looked at me throughout our dinner in my office, especially when he had mentioned Jamie and spoke about priests in general. It wasn’t like he had been probing for something. But it was as if he already knew about Jamie and me, and that was the only reason I had eventually told Justin that he could escort me home. Because in doing so, it would send Justin the message that nothing existed between my stepbrother and me.
Luckily, it was only a short walk to my house, and I could already see the large wreath with the bright red bow hanging on my front door from this distance. “Won’t you get lonely? Being at the shore in the dead of winter all by yourself?” he asked. I didn’t detect concern in his voice, but curiosity and some other emotion that gave me goosebumps for all the wrong reasons.
“No. I like the quiet and I did just see and spend Christmas Eve with my family, so they understand.”
“They seem quite close. Has it been difficult to try to find out where your place is in a family that is already so intact?”
I didn’t know if it was Justin’s strange question or the way he said it, with a tone that seemed smug, but it made me want to punch him in his pretty little face. Thankfully, we were right outside my house. “No, they have all been great. My mother, David, Nate, Liz, Jamie . . . they have been so . . .”
“Ah yes, Jamie. You know, I was meaning to ask you. Is he okay? He seemed a little angry after Mass.”
I didn’t like him talking about Jamie nor did I appreciate the provocative tone he had just used. And there it was again. Suspicion flamed behind those probing eyes of his. Although Justin didn’t deserve a response, I gave him one just to shut him the fuck up. “Jamie seemed angry? I didn’t pick that up back there at the church.” I didn’t feel the need to elaborate, and I thought that was for the best. “Well, this is me,” I said, nodding at my front door. “Thanks for walking me home.”
Not waiting for a response or an awkward goodbye, I eagerly climbed my front stoop only to feel him grab my hand and halt my ascent. “I would really love to take you to dinner when you get back from the shore. We already know that we work well together. I think it’s time we find out if we can move that relationship outside the office walls,” he said. That man who had asked me to coffee, the man who had asked me in his best boy next door voice and practically got giddy when I had accepted did not stand before me now. No, this was an entirely different man completely. And I didn’t care for him.
I forced a smile and tore my hand away as gently as I could without making a scene. “I’ll see you at the office,” I said. His eyes darkened as his lips curled to form a hideous smile. My fight-or-flight reflex kicked in for some reason, causing me to dig my keys out of my coat pocket in record time. “Good night, Justin,” I said, opening my door as fast as I could.
I heard him chuckle from behind and then he said, “Merry Christmas.”
I reciprocated by slamming the door in his face and engaging the deadbolt.