Chapter 28
Lilly
“What do you mean you don’t want me going back to work?” I felt anger making me hot, and Bolt’s stance, his feet planted wide, meant he clearly thought he was in control. He could not have been further from the truth.
“I just think it would be better if you let it go, Lilly. You don’t need the money, and being exposed to all those people—there’s no telling what kind of bugs you could bring back to Jinx.”
“Oh, now don’t go there. You think there aren’t any virus-carrying gentlemen at your country club, or the grocery, or the restaurant where we go all the time? Those places are infested with things, and since when are you afraid of a little bug?”
I knew he was digging deep for a reason to keep me at home. It wasn’t that I totally disagreed with him, but he was making the decision for me, and that I resented. I’d been working all my life, and while it might not have been a glamorous career, at least it was mine and I had it to fall back on.
Bolt ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Let’s talk about a compromise, shall we? How about a different career? Maybe something you could do from home? You’re a graphic designer. Why not go freelance and put your talents on the open market?”
That was dirty pool. He knew I’d love nothing better, but now that he’d suggested it, it would let him win the argument if I agreed. That wasn’t going to happen. “I know what you want, Bolt Symington. You want to control me.”
I saw the words hit him like a razor had slashed his face. Control was exactly what he hated the most, and I’d just used the word. He threw a small vase on the foyer table across the room, and it shattered onto the tile. It hadn’t come close to me, but his anger was shooting sparks across the room all the same.
“That’s what you think of me, after all this time?” he shouted.
I heard a bedroom door shut upstairs and Mary’s soothing voice cooing to the baby. Mrs. Polk was busily slamming pots around on the counter. I knew they were listening to every word but wanted to appear otherwise.
“You’re making a spectacle of yourself. Calm down.” I turned my back and walked toward the family room. He grabbed my arm and pulled me upstairs into our room and slammed the door.
“Sit down and listen to me,” he ordered, his voice tight. “What is it that makes you think I want to control you? That’s not me, and you know it.”
“You want things your own way!” I accused him.
“That’s what you call control? You silly woman—it just means that I want more of what we have. I want more time with you, with Jinx, and I want us to behave like a family. That’s not control—that’s protecting what is most precious to me.”
I wanted so badly to throw a comment about his father at him, but even I knew when to stop. His black eyes were blazing and his chest heaving with angry gasps. “You don’t own me, Bolt.” I held out my hand. “You see a ring on that finger?”
His face melted. “Is that what this is all about? Oh my god, Lilly. I would marry you in an hour if you’d have me. Don’t you know that? What do you think all this is about?” He held out his arms to include the bedroom and the baby’s room.
“I didn’t say that.” I was choking on my own words. My heart was ripping in half. I was fighting with the person I loved most in the world besides our son, and I was trying to win! What the hell was the matter with me? I knew. I was scared. I was scared because of what I didn’t know. There were those black gaps in the timeline when he was gone and cut me out of his life entirely. I couldn’t live in those gaps—and I couldn’t expose Jinx to that kind of uncertainty. I wanted stability. I wanted someone who wouldn’t leave me.
The truth hit me in the face. I was afraid of being abandoned, the same way my parents had climbed on that plane, never to come back. They left without saying goodbye, and I’d waved to them and wished them to have a wonderful time. I’d driven them to the airport—to their own deaths!
That was when I realized why Natalie hated me. She blamed me. She blamed me for sending our parents on their way and for being strong and stepping up when they didn’t come back. That was her job, but she’d been weak. By my stepping in, I’d kept her from dealing with her grief in a healthy way and from taking the responsibility for the both of us. I’d challenged the natural order of things. Little sisters don’t take charge. No wonder she was always searching for a way to destroy herself! She didn’t see her place in the natural order of things because I’d stolen those opportunities from her!
Sweet Jesus, it was all coming to me now. I sank onto the bed, the waves of realization sweeping over me. I was literally gasping for air at the enormity of it all, and Bolt stood there, his face concerned at my reaction. I imagine I looked like I was having a heart attack. His posture changed instantly, and he came to me, putting his arm around me as I collapsed into a crying heap.
“My God, Lilly, don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? Is this hormones or something? All I want is you and the baby and for the three of us to be happy together. You know I’ll give you everything you want.”
I heard his words, and they galvanized me. “I want my own life,” I growled, emerging from my sobbing with the awareness that I was done with worrying about Natalie. I was done worrying whether she might self-destruct. I wanted my own life back.
But Bolt didn’t hear it that way. How could he? He wasn’t privy to my inner thoughts, my aha realizations. All he heard was that I wanted a separate life.
He stood up, pacing the room with that now-familiar gesture of frustration as he ran his fingers through his blue-black hair. “OK, Lilly. Have it your way. Have your life,” he burst out, slamming the door as he left the room. I heard his car screaming down the drive and then down the road. He was gone. I was alone. I’d gotten what I’d asked for, and it hadn’t even been what I wanted. How the hell had I gotten there?