I don’t know why I said yes. Having dinner at Connor’s house would be considered a bad idea, to any other person but me. But I was curious. I wanted to know what my house looked like. I wanted to see if a woman had been inside. If the car I had seen after I returned from Nashville was a figment of my imagination.

When I showed up he walked out of my old gate, to my car door. He opened it and smiled. I saw everything my friends had talked about. His waist was even more narrow, his shoulders more swollen than the last time I saw him. He had a sheen of sweat on his brow.

"What have you been doing?" I glanced over his shoulder, through the open gate, into my old backyard.

"Grilling. Do kabobs sound okay?" His voice was so casual, like we were friends now, or still together. Not a mess of two exes taking walks, holding hands, sleeping with other people. Or, at least I was anyway. I needed to find out if he was.

"Yeah, that's fine." I followed him into my old yard. His dog, our dog, ran up to me and I crouched down to pet him.

"I'll grab you a drink. Head on out back to the deck."

I stood up and walked through the yard, taking in the scenery. He had planted new plants. I peeked into the window that led to the backyard. I was greeted by more greenery. Potted plants. So he was buying them for himself too this past spring.

I always killed them, but I couldn't stop buying them when I lived here. I wanted to start over every spring. I had this hope I could keep something alive.

I had been sitting in the backyard for just a moment when Connor came back, a glass of red, pinkish liquid in his hand.

"What’s that?" I pointed to the glass and watched him set it in front of me on the patio table.

"Cape-codder."

I reached forward and took the glass. "I hope you don't care, Kate is coming by to join us." I needed a crutch. He knew it.

"Afraid to be alone with me?" He smiled and walked to the grill.

"Maybe," I said to his back, now facing me. It was going to be so damn awkward. I could tell already.

When Kate showed up, I was half lit. She gave me a knowing smirk and maybe rolled her eyes. I couldn't tell. We settled into the same kind of easy banter we always enjoyed. Connor made fun of Kate. I played referee.

Later, the conversation entered into dangerous territory. "It's not like you have both been celibate since you broke up," Kate mocked. She knew what I had been up to, and I felt bad. From what I heard, Connor hadn't been out at all. He had been staying home, or at the gym. Working odd and long hours. There was still the mystery of the car though. Maybe he could shed some light on that.

Connor wore a smirk when I met his eyes.

My face went red. No blush, just anger. "Who have you slept with?" I narrowed my eyes. I didn't have a right to know. I had slept with someone new, more than one someone new. He knew it. Everyone knew it. I felt a sick sadness. A betrayal that I had no right to own. He swore he loved me and now I was learning he had slept with someone new? "What's her name?" I asked. I could see Kate squirm in her seat.

"Doesn't matter." Connor was still smiling, swirling his Jack and Coke.

"Is it someone I know?" Who did I know that Connor would go out and find?

"Yes. It is."

I racked my brain. Connor never looked at other women while we were together. His eyes were only for me, even through the years we barely spoke. I didn't expect him to continue to only look my way after I left him, but maybe some part of me hoped he had. I wanted him to wait for me but I couldn't promise I would come back. I was transported back in time. To the year we met. I always wanted what I couldn't have. Had he moved on? Was this a dinner to tell me he was dating someone new?

"Are you with her? This girl?"

"No. I only want you. You know that." His smile was gone, his dark eyes were almost black.

"But you've been with someone else. Doesn't sound like it." I had some nerve, giving him shit for sleeping with someone after all that I had done. But I wasn't the one claiming to still be in love. I told him I had fallen out of love with him when I left. The vodka made me spiteful. I thought of the last time I had vodka, Wade and his hands, his musical voice. I had thrown away the shirt I stole when I got back to Missouri.

"I needed someone to distract me. I only want you and I've been going about this the wrong way. I should have remembered who you are. I want you to be jealous. Are you jealous?"

Kate stood up. "Okay, I should go. This is very, very awkward for me."

I waved at her, distracted, my only thought on who Connor slept with. "Do I know her? Tell me that."

"Yes, I said that." He laughed. He always made fun of me for repeating myself when I was drunk.

I pulled out my phone and tapped on the Facebook app. I didn't know what I was looking for. Maybe a face would catch my eye, jog my memory. Connor didn't have Facebook. If it was someone I knew, maybe I was friends with her. A name popped into my head. A bad name. A bad penny. I grabbed the drink in front of me and downed it. "You've got to be kidding me.” I said it out loud, not to Connor maybe, just to get the words out.

"What?"

"Penny? Why does she always have to put her hands on what I have? And isn't she married?"

"Yes, she is. They are splitting up." He stirred his drink again, and we simmered in the silence. "And you don't have me. You gave me away, for him."

He didn’t seem mad when he said it. More amused, knowing he had me. I’d fallen right into his trap. I couldn’t believe it. "Was it in our bed?"

"Yes."

I felt a warmth move through me, a slow rolling of rage and possession. It was my house. He was mine. That bed was mine, we bought it together. He was mine. She wouldn’t have him. No.

I fucked Connor that night, on the patio table, inside on the deep-freezer, in our old bed. I wish I could say we made love, we fell back together, but that would be a lie. The truth was that I didn’t want another woman touching him. I didn’t want another woman pulling him from me. I didn’t want to lose him. I realized it that night, but I wasn’t ready for him to know.